If the music fails to start right
click on the page and refresh.
You can jump back to the music player to turn it on
or off by using the "Page Bookmarks" menu on the left and selecting
the "Music Player" link. You can then return to the place on the
page your were at by hitting the browser back button.
Popcorn, soda, and get out of
jail free cards not included.
However they can be obtained for a $100,000
donation.
If
laughs are what you seek,
Split
right now, take a leak
CAUSE IT'S
Boy what a New Years. Parties, booze,
family, etc. Everything was good but, somewhere along the
way we lost poor Scottie the Dog. We thought he had run
away but, after the recent snow melt we found him. He never could handle the booze.
The stiff one gulped one too many stiff
ones.
NEW RULES FOR 2006
New Rule:
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's
a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because
you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know
what the captain of the football team is doing these days:
mowing my lawn.
New Rule:
Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window
unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked
that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili.
Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to
contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it were
a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
New Rule:
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better
description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule:
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men
care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay,
we're done.
New Rule:
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole
aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without
that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a
soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over
ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf
grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot,
gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one
Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," oooh, you are a huge
asshole.
New Rule:
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it,
doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of
your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The
last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to
God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're
just high.
New Rule:
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of
Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the
poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next,
competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that.
It's called "The O'Reilly FACTOR."
New Rule:
If you're going to insist on making movies based on
crappy, old television shows, then you have to give
everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's
playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason
something was a television show in the first place is the
idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule:
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and
graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and
having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's
the white people version of looting.
New Rule:
and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint
like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell
if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a
fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just
want to wash my hands.
New Rule:
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know
in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine.
He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first
place.
Tennessee's "Crack Tax" has brought in
nearly $2 million dollars in state revenue. Basically,
drug dealers are supposed to pay taxes on illegal drugs
and alcohol. They pay confidentially, and when they do,
they get a stamp. If they're caught without the stamp,
they'll be prosecuted for not only selling drugs, but for
not paying their taxes too.
Didn't we already know the only thing
the Government was worried about was not getting their cut
of the action? LOL
A woman from Chicago and another from
the East coast were seated side by side on an airplane.
The woman from Chicago, being friendly
and all, said:
"So, where are you from?"
The East coast woman said, "From a place
where they know better than to use a preposition at the
end of a sentence."
The woman from Chicago sat quietly for a
few moments
and then replied:
"So, where are you
from, bitch?"
Never Question a
Drunk
a woman was shopping at her local
supermarket where she selected:
a half gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee,
and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the
conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her
watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk
calmly stated,
"You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this
proclamation, but she was intrigued by the man's
intuition, since she was indeed single. she looked at her
six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual
about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk
to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she
said "well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. but
how on earth did you know that?
The drunk replied, "cause yooous ugly"
Our Corn Consultant
"New Mint Flavored
Birth Control Pill"
The Cadbury's Candy Co. and Merck Drug
Co. have combined to market the new mint flavored birth
control pill that women may take immediately before sex.
The Pill will be distributed by the
large major drug store chains and Wal-Mart's Pharmacies.
They're going to be called....
"Pre-dick-a-mints."
Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch
company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products
and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches,
decided to market compasses for pioneers traveling west.
It turned out that although their watches were of finest
quality, their compasses were so bad that people often
ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This,
of course, is the origin of the expression:
"He who has a Tates is lost!"
The author of this joke
needs a Tates of his own medicine so we will never see or
hear of him again.
After years of raising donkeys, an old
farmer discovered that one was unusually intelligent.
Remembering stories of horses learning to add and subtract
by stomping their hooves, and knowing that this donkey was
so much smarter than any horse, he went one step further
and taught him to multiply and divide, as well.
The farmer was positive that the public
would pay to see this amazing donkey, so he sold his farm
and went on the road, renting booths at fairs to show off
the animal's mental prowess.
Unfortunately, he could never find
customers who wanted to see his donkey perform. It seems
he learned the hard way that nobody
likes a smart ass.
Correction damn it.
Nobody likes sick jokes.
That's it!!! You butt
plugs are fired. Pick up your walking papers, or in your
case rolling papers.
grrrrrr, I quit.
Our corn consultant was in rare form
this week, eh pukes?
TOP TEN THINGS MEN
WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP WITH A VAGINA FOR A DAY...
10.
Immediately go shopping for zucchini and
cucumbers.
9.
Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour
and a half.
8.
See if they could finally do the splits.
7.
See if it's truly possible to launch a ping
pong ball 20 feet.
6.
Cross their legs without rearranging their
crotch.
5.
Get picked up in a bar in less than 10
minutes ... BEFORE closing time.
4.
Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still
be ready for more without sleeping first.
3.
Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam
and ask to have it recorded on video.
2.
Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for
breasts too.
1.
Finally find that damned G-spot.
This Weeks Technology
Report
Microsoft has been rolling out a lot of
updates lately. I never do automatic automatic updates. I
like to check them out first to see what they involve. I
have found out the hard way a few times that some of the
updates can cause a lot of lost time trying to figure out
why your computer is puking. The programs you rely heavily
on start a rebellion and you are the one that suffers
collateral mental damage as a result of a sadistic Microsoft
experiment.
Do You Know Where Your Nuts Are Today?
Psychotic Nursery
Rhyme
Twinkle, Twinkle little knife,
Adept you are at taking life,
I love the glitter as you slash,
People who are carrying cash!
This Week's
Psychology Lesson:
Psychosis:
A severe mental disorder. Often involves
disorganization of total personality. For those lacking in
personality, it's not much of a problem. Or for those who
work in corporate management, the disorganization can be
countered by a really good on-the-ball type of secretary
or administrative assistant (better known as "ass
kisser").
Psychotic:
A person suffering from a psychosis. Not
anything like a mad despot bent on world conquest.
PING PONG
ANYONE?
A 20 year old man came into the ER with a
hardened mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend
were fooling around with concrete mix, then his boyfriend had
the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel ?!!.
The concrete then hardened (no shit!?), causing constipation
and pain. Under general anesthesia and surgery, a perfect
concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed along with a
ping pong ball. (Boy don't we live sheltered lives)
Science and Technology
Review
New IQ Test to see how you
should spend the rest of your day.
There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush.
By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he
successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the
purchase is done.
Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair
of sunglasses, how should he express himself?
Think about it first before scrolling down for the
answer.
Answer:
He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a
pair of sunglasses"
If you got this wrong - please turn off your computer
and call it a day.
When I took the test I immediately shut down my
computer. I still have a headache from pounding my head on
the desk.
This Weeks Planter's Award
Well hell, you would go nutty too if everywhere
you went you had to put up with sidewalks that were built to
close to your ass.
A guy is driving around Tennessee and he
sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog For
Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells
him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees
a Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
Yes, I do," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says,
"Well, I discovered that I could talk
when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government,
so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all
they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in
rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured
a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most
valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me
out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided
to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do
some undercover security wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings
and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had mess
of puppies and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and
asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why
on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any
of that shit."
An ugly woman walks into a shop with her
two kids.
The shopkeeper inquired, "Are these your
children?"
The woman answered, "Why yes they are."
The shopkeeper then asks "Are they
twins"?
The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7.
Why? Do you think they look alike?"
"No", he replies" I
just can't believe you got laid twice"!
(8o
Give me Some of
That Old Time Religion.
There once lived a
man of the cloth
who jerked off to
the writings of Roth
thus did he repent
with his eyes
heaven-bent:
"At least my
hand's sin wasn't sloth!"
Three Italian Nuns In
Heaven
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.
He says "Sisters, you all led such
wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go
back to earth and be anyone you want to be."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia
Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna;"
and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara
Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he
says.
"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm
sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of
her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
He reads the paper and starts laughing.
He hands it back to her and says....
"No sister, the paper says it was the
'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
The line forms in
Cairo.
(8o
Room key in heaven
Three girls died and were brought to the
gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted
by St. Peter and his obedient angel.
St. Peter asked the girls, "Before
entering you must answer this simple question."
"Which is ...?", they replied in unison.
"Have you been a good girl ?", he asked
the first girl.
"Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin
before I got married and was still virgin even after I got
married."
"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel,
give this girl... the golden key."
"Have you been a good girl?", he asked
the second girl.
"Oh, quite good", she said. "I was a
virgin before I got married but was not after I got
married."
"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel,
give this girl... the silver key."
"Have you been a good girl?", he asked
the third girl.
"Oh no, not at all", she said. "I
practically have sex with every guy I met before and after
I got married. Anywhere, anytime."
"Very good", said St. Peter.
"Angel, give this
girl... my room key."
Mother F**ker
Amber, A 16 year old Catholic girl goes
to confession.
Amber: I
called a boy a mother fucker last night.
Priest: Why
did you do that?
Amber: He
kissed me.
The priest bent over and kissed her.
Priest:
like that?
Amber: yes.
Priest: Is
that why you called him a mother fucker?
Amber: No,
then he grabbed me butt.
The priest grabbed her butt.
Priest:
like this?
Amber: yes.
Priest: Is
that why you called him a mother fucker?
Amber: no,
then he pulled my pants down.
The priest then pulled her pants down.
Priest:
like this?
Amber: yes.
Priest: Is
that why you called him a mother fucker?
Amber: No,
then he took off my panties, and put his you know what in
my you know where.
The priest took off her panties, and put
his you know what in her you know where.
Priest:
Like this?
Amber: yes
Priest: Is
that why you called him a mother fucker?
Amber: no
Priest:
then why did you call him a mother fucker?
Amber: He
had herpes!
Priest:That MOTHER FUCKER!
Father Murphy walks into a pub in
Donegal, and says to the first man he meets,
"Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there
against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man,
"Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's
reply.
"Then stand over there against the
wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole
and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.
The priest said, "I don't believe this.
You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go
to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I
thought you were getting a group together to go right now
Two Priests are in a Vatican bathroom
using the urinals. One of them looks at the other
one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it. He
turns to the other Priest and says,
"I believe you're supposed to put that
patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."
The other one replies,
"It's working just fine. I'm down to 2
butts a day."
A man placed some flowers on the grave
of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his
car when his attention was diverted to another man
kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with
profound intensity and kept repeating, Why did you have to
die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said,
"Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief,
but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen
before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A
parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect
himself, then replied,
"My wife's first
husband."
Cajun Logic Sells
Insurance
Beoudreaux's first military assignment
was to a military induction center, and, because he was a
good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new
recruits about the government benefits; especially the GI
insurance to which they were entitled to buy.
Before long the Captain in charge of the
induction center began noticing that Beaudreaux was
getting a 99% sign up for the top GI insurance.
This was odd, because it would cost
these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for
their higher coverage than what the government was already
granting.
The Captain decided that he would not
ask Beaudreaux about his selling techniques but that he
would sit in the back of the room and observe Boudreaux's
sales pitch.
Beaudreaux stood up before his latest
group of inductees and stated, "If you have da normal GI
insurance and go to Iraq and get killed; da government
pays your beneficiary $6,000. If you take out da
supplemental GI insurance (which cost you only $30.00 a
month); the government has to
pay your beneficiary $200,000. "NOW,"
Beaudreaux concluded, "Which bunch do you think dey gonna
send to Iraq first?"
An 80 year old woman was arrested for
shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her,
"What did you steal?"
She replied: "A can of peaches."
The judge asked her why she had stolen
them and
she replied: "I was hungry."
The judge then asked her how many
peaches were in the can.
She replied: "6."
The judge then said, "I will give you 6
days in jail."
Before the judge could actually
pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and
asked the judge if he could say something.
He said, "What is it?"
The husband said, "She also stole a can
of peas."
Miss Mackie will be out in a
few days. She has a long special she is doing so you can check
back on this page or visit the main page to catch her newest
column in a few days.
Miss Mackie is now a feature on the
main page so you can get to her columns at any time.
Okra News by Miss Mackie
"Mackie Mayhem"
PRICELESS
I'd Like to Get In Your Shorts
Federal health officials here in America
are looking into reports that anti-impotence drugs like
Viagra and Cialis can cause eye
damage.
Let me tell you something... If you're
poking yourself in the eye, you're taking way too many!
Jay Leno
What is the most intelligent animal in the
world?
The dog
It will walk up to anything and smell it. If he
can't eat it or mate with it, he will piss on it!
Mike returned home late and found a
naked man with a hard-on in his wife's bedroom closet.
"Hey, what the fuck are you doing in
there?"
"I'm riding a bus."
"That's a fucking stupid thing to say!"
"Well, that's a fucking stupid thing to
ask!"
Some guy is claiming that a tonic of
beer and urine will improve your garden.
Come on, if that was true, wouldn't frat
houses be like tropical rain forests?
The young immigrant couple had just left
the courthouse after being sworn in as American citizens.
"It is wonderful," the husband
exclaimed. "We are American citizens at last! Do you know
what this means to us my dear wife?"
"Yes, you male chauvinist pig," his wife
replied.
"Tonight, you cook dinner and I get on
top!"
A guy walks up to a girl in a bar and
says "Hey, baby...want to sit on my face?"
She says "Why would I? Is your nose
bigger then your dick?"
Q: What do
Michael Jackson and caviar have in common?
A: They
both come on little crackers.
Q. What
does an old woman have between her breasts that a young
woman doesn't?
A. Belly
button lint.
A man and woman were having marital
problems so they went to see a marriage counselor.
The counselor, in an attempt to find
some common ground from which to begin his analysis said,
"Tell me about anything the two of you have in common."
The husband spoke up and said, "Well,
neither one of us sucks dicks."
(8o
IN THE NEWS
Parrot lifts lid on
woman's affair
From correspondents in London
January 17, 2006
A TALKATIVE parrot was being blamed for
the break-up of a couple's relationship after squawking
the name of the woman's secret lover, British newspapers
reported today.
Ziggy, an eight-year-old African grey,
prompted a confession from 25-year-old call centre worker
Suzy Collins that she was having a four-month fling with a
former colleague when the pet blurted out: "Gary, I love
you."
The bird had previously said "Hiya,
Gary" when Collins' mobile phone rang and made kissing
noises when the name was mentioned on radio or television
but its owner, Chris Taylor, from Leeds, northern England,
laughed it off.
But the computer programmer – who bought
the bird as a chick and named it after singer David
Bowie's alter ego, Ziggy Stardust – said the penny dropped
when the couple were snuggled up on the sofa before
Christmas.
"We were watching telly when Ziggy
blurted out, 'I love you, Gary' in Suzy's voice. I started
laughing but when I looked at Suzy, I could tell something
was up. Her face was like beetroot and she started to
cry," the 30-year-old said.
The Australian AFP
INTERMISSION TIME
Time to run down and
slug down a brew at Wanda's Pub and Grub.
Be sure to visit great comedy sites at the end and
on the home page to give the Campfire a
boost. You know it's kinda like apes do. I pick your fleas and you pick
mine.
Let's switch you say,
before you gag, And what revenge, Your on the rag!
Author unknown
.
A blonde heard that milk baths would
make her beautiful. She Left a note for her milkman to
leave 15 gallons of milk.
When the Milkman read the note, he felt
there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5
gallons so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the
milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of
milk. Did you mean gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm
going to fill my Bathtub up with milk and take a milk
bath.
The milkman asked, "Do you want it
pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my
tits, I can splash it in my eyes.
(8o
A blind man finds his way to a barstool
and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he
yells to the Bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde
joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely
quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him
says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only
fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five
things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 180-pound blonde
woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is
blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde
and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do
you really wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second,
shakes his head, and declares,
"Nah.......... Not if I'm gonna have to
explain it five times."
Tennessee mechanical
engineers
Bubba and Ray (Tennessee mechanical
engineers) were standing at the base of a flagpole,
looking up.
A blonde woman walked by and asked what
they were doing.
We're supposed to find the height of the
flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse,
loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she
took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement,
announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a
blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the
length!"
I thought blondes could judge
the length of any pole just by sitting on it. She must have
been a virgin.
A blonde and a brunette were discussing
their boyfriends:
Brunette: Last night I had *three*
orgasms in a row!
Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had
over ten.
Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was
that good.
Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you
meant with one guy.
Where do you look for blonds'
obituaries?
Under "Home Improvements."
Did you hear about the blond prisoner
who was found in his cell with half a dozen bumps on his
head?
He tried to hang himself with a bungee
cord.
Did you hear about the blond that was
arrested for damaging department store property?
She was disassembling the escalator to
take to the cashier (She'll buy anything marked down!)
Q. What's
the difference between a blonde and a pair of sun glasses?
A. The sun
glasses sit higher on your face.
Birth Control
There were three gals who were getting
married and all met at the marriage counselor's office to
discuss the options of having or not having a baby right
away.
There were two city gals and one farm
gal.
The counselor asked them if they planned
on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile.
They all agreed that they had discussed this with their
potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile.
Well the counselor asked the first gal
what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer
was, the rhythm method. That will work said the counselor
if you keep a good record.
He asked the second gal what system she
planned on using. I plan on using birth control pills she
said. Again he said, yes that will work as long as you
don't forget to take them.
He then asked the farm girl what system
she was planning on using. Her answer was , The pail and
saucer, method. After a short delay, he again told her
that should also work.
He asked them all to come back in one
year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were
going.
They all met again one year later and
the two city gals were pregnant. Only the farm gal was
slim and trim yet.
Well the counselor asked the first gal
what method she used and what went wrong. She replied that
she used the rhythm method but somehow got her notes mixed
up and, well here I am, going to have a baby.
He asked the second city gal what method
she used and she replied,the birth control pill but we
were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with
me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby.
He turns to the farm gal and told her
that I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail and
saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue
what the pail and saucer method is. Will you explain it to
me as I see it has worked well for you.
She replied, Well we make love standing
up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he
stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making
love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as
saucers, I kick the pail out from under him.
Ornery Grandmas
three old ornery grandmas were sitting
on a bench outside a nursing home. About then an old man
walked by, and one of the grandmas says,
"we bet we can tell how old you are."
the old man said, "there's no way you
can guess it."
One of the ornery grandmas said, "Sure
we can! just drop your under shorts and we can tell your
exact age." he did.
The grandmas stared at him for a while
and then they all piped up and said "you're 84 years old!"
The old man was stunned. "amazing! how
did you guess that?"
The ornery old grandmas laughed ...
slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear. all
three happily yelled in unison,
"you told us yesterday.
I'll tell you, women
never stop being sneaky even when they get old. This is a
never ending battle guys so keep your guard and pants
up. Use the barter system. You want it, pay for it.
(8o
Just When You Thought You Were
Safe
Jan 16, 12:25 PM (ET)
WILLIAMSPORT, Pa. (AP) - Polly want a
burglar? A pet parrot attacked a man who broke into its
owner's apartment, and the bite and blood marks helped
police identify a suspect.
The blue and gold macaw hybrid named
Sunshine attacked Michael L. Deeter, 44, after he broke
into the apartment, police said. Sunshine had blood on its
beak and Deeter had marks on his hand consistent with
those made by a parrot.
Deeter, of Williamsport, told police the
bird bit him very hard after he entered James Erb's
apartment and he still had the marks to prove it when he
was arrested, authorities said. He allegedly got away with
about $100 and a camcorder.
The crime-fighting bird also helped
pinpoint the time of the break-in at 3 p.m. Saturday, when
a neighbor heard it making a commotion.
Deeter became a suspect when police
learned he had called Erb around 1 p.m. Saturday and
learned he would be leaving for work. He confessed to
breaking the glass in the door to get into the apartment,
but said he was too drunk to remember anything else but
his encounter with the bird, police said.
Deeter was arraigned on charges of
burglary, criminal trespass, theft and criminal mischief
and taken to the county jail in lieu of $25,000 bail.
As for the bird, Sunshine did not come
away unscathed - all but one of its large tail feathers
had been pulled out.
SPRINGFIELD, Ore. (AP) - Police say a
robbery suspect held up a diner on Monday, went back for
seconds on Wednesday and wound up shooting himself in the
foot.
Police say they arrested Clayton Everett
Teman, 23, who was hospitalized. A bullet had gone through
his foot.
Springfield police Detective Tom Rappe
said the robber encountered the same clerk in both
stickups, and told her the second time he wanted more.
"He was a little upset due to the amount
of money he got the first time, so he went back hoping to
get more," said Springfield police Detective Tom Rappe.
As he left the diner, police said, the
robber ran through a parking lot and fired several rounds
from a handgun, hitting himself once.
Police said they weren't sure why he
fired the gun, but said they suspected he was using
methamphetamine.
SOUTH ORANGE, N.J. (AP) - Applications
sent by Seton Hall University to prospective students
overseas unwittingly contained a toll-free number offering
the opportunity to chat with "hot, horny girls."
The Catholic university, founded in
1856, said it accidentally transposed numbers in
admissions application sent to possibly tens of thousands
of applicants.
"Spark up your days and nights with
stimulating talk," the recording says. It then refers
callers to a second 800 number, a phone-sex line selling
conversations with "students, housewives and working
girls" for 99 cents to $2.99 a minute.
Seton Hall spokesman Thomas White told
the Star-Ledger of Newark for Thursday's newspapers that
the error was in both the online and print applications,
and may have been present for several years.
"I'm surprised that we didn't catch it
before now," White said. "This was a very unfortunate
typo, and we apologize to any of our international
applicants who were affected by this."
The phone number was supposed to connect
students with World Education Services, a New York-based
firm that screens international academic credentials.
As of Thursday morning, the university
was in the process of removing all the references online,
although nothing could be done about print applications
already mailed out.
World Education Services is phasing out
its 800 number and refers students to its Web site.
Similar typos have caused embarrassment
for other institutions recently. Last year motorists
looking for special license plates were accidentally sent
by brochures and the Web site of New Jersey's Motor
Vehicle Commission to a phone-sex line. In December,
seniors calling a toll-free number to ask questions about
Medicare were directed to a similar service due to a
misprint in 20,000 letters sent by insurer Humana.
Signs, Signs, Everywhere a Sign
Aren't you happy? I know I am.
I wonder if this guy is still alive?
Not so fast. One must
savor the view first.
In convertibles she
was quite brash,
When she put her
feet up on the dash.
As a trucker drove
by,
Her bare crotch
caught his eye,
And four people
were killed in the crash.
Jethro walks into his bedroom with a
sheep under his arm and says:
"Dahlin, this is the pig y'all keep
accusing me of having sex with when you have a headache."
His old lady is lying in bed and
replies:
"I think you'll find that's a sheep, you
idiot."
I Know Nice Art When I See It
gee SPOT
Ladies this is for you.
Use the button for the gee Spot.
Sorry this has been discontinued.
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THIS
IS THE CHIEF TALKING MEN.
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your stations and be ready to fire when you see the pink of
their.........
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