Jan 18, 2005 If you use AOL and think this page is old go back to the opening page and hit the refresh button or better yet use Internet Explorer to view this site.
NO, actually the song is from the sixties so it brings back memories of the PAYOLA scandals from that decade involving Dick Clark and Alan Freed among others. Seems we have DJ's spinning songs like "Leave no Ethics Behind" for PAYOLA now.
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on my face visit our guestbook here or in the menu. Make Sure you visit all our sites using the menu buttons above or here. Lady Linx | Cactus Chuckles | Campfire Classies | Game Room
KEWL FLASH Two new movies this week
CAMPFIRE CINEMA Two new videos this week
CAMPFIRE AUDIO One Funny Audio this week
Popcorn, soda, and a 40 million dollar panty raid not included.
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If laughs are what you seek, Split right now, take a leak
CAUSE IT'S
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| yippeeeeee after 2004 OVER TWO BILLION SOLD
How's that for starting off this year with a plop? LOL
On a related note: One extreme in the big burger business is represented by Denny's Beer Barrel Pub in Clearfield, Pennsylvania, which offers several varieties of "large" for the extreme burger enthusiast: a
And to top that..... In January 2005, a 100-pound woman became the first person to win the Denny's Beer Barrel Pub challenge when 19-year-old Kate Stelnick of Princeton, New Jersey, downed a six-pound Denny's "96er" hamburger and five pounds of fixins' in 2 hours and 54 minutes, just shy of the three-hour time limit. For her trouble, Ms. Stelnick got a special certificate, a T-shirt, and other prizes, as well as having her tab for the $23.95 burger picked up by the house. She also received a life time membership to Roto-Rooter, a free case of Liquid Plumber, and a CD full of brain emulsifying melodies from the 129db band "Manowar" so she can drown out the sound of her arteries slamming shut.
Last Year's news created some very exciting headlines. These are actual headlines from 2004. Crack Found on Governor's Daughter Imagine that! I wonder who the lucky guy was. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says No, shit? Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Get em all and why wait until they step in the street? Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? Only if I miss a spot. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over I figured these guys were into bestiality anyway. Miners Refuse to Work after Death No-good-for-nothin' lazy sons-a-bitches! Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant See if that works any better than a fair trial! War Dims Hope for Peace I can see where it might have that effect! If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A while You think? Sounds like a Bushism to me. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures As opposed to what? Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide They may be on to something but, don't let it leak. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge Give the guy a break. One zap is good enough. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Just how fat do they need them to be? Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft tro da bum out and make em walk home. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Taste like chicken. Just pick the hairs out. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy That was really giving of himself! Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half Chainsaw Massacre all over again! Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors Boy, are they tall!
And the winner is.... Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead nuff said!
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. "Herman, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!" She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Herman, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!" Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Herman, that emerald necklace you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money! Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Herman, remember that blow job I promised you? ...... Here it comes!"
My Corn consultant really picked a terrible crop this issue. He must have a still out there somewhere.
There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college and, upon graduation, became priests. Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of these two who would become the next Pope. In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen. The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!! Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?" After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola. Oh boy, the stomach acid is bubbling.
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! "Everything had been SO incredible"!! "You know," he said," you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? " "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye." Ok, anyone that likes this crap say "Eye"......
The Corn Consultant's job is in jeopardy.
Eminem's tour of Ireland is to go ahead despite concerns over a sickening attitude to women, appallingly obscene language, an irresponsible attitude to sex and violence, and, of course, the booze. Eminem said that, despite these shocking traits, he would wait and "judge the Irish for himself."
Jones took his nymphomaniac wife to the doctor for treatment. "This is one hot potato of a lady, doctor." he said. "Maybe you can do something for her? She goes for any man, and I get very jealous." "We'll see," the doctor said. He directed Mrs. Jones into his examining room, closed the door behind him and told her to undress. Then he told her to get up onto the examining table on her stomach. The moment he touched her ass, she began to moan and squirm. It was to much for him to resist, so he stripped, climbed up on top of her shoving his big dick in her hot juicy love pit and began pumping away. Jones suddenly heard moans and groans coming form the examination room. Unable to control himself, he pushed open the door, to be confronted by the doctor astride his wife just slamming and banging away, giving her a good workout. "Doctor, what are you doing?" he asked. The flustered doctor said, "Oh, it's you, Jones? I'm only taking your wife's temperature!" Jones opened his switchblade knife, and began to hone it on his sleeve very deliberately. "Doc," he said, "when you take that thing out, it better have numbers on it!"
The anxious wife is watching her husband fish in a bucket of water in the middle of the living room. "I'd take him to a psychiatrist," she says. "But we need the fish."
Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass" The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let have a look". "Fuck me!!" says the doctor " what could have made a hole as big as that?" The Patient replies: I've been fucked by an elephant". The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous". The patient replies: "He fingered me first". LOL
Your standard of living improves when you go camping. Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens. You have jacked up your home to look for a dog. You have a relative living in your garage. Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer. There is a belch on your answering machine greeting. You have rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode. None of the tires on your van are the same size. You hold the hood of your car with your head while you work on it. Your idea of getting lucky is passing the emissions test. Your town put the new garbage truck in the Christmas parade. Your local beauty salon also fixes cars. Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet. You've ever slow danced in the Waffle House. Starting your car involves popping the hood. Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays. You whistle at women in church. You've been in a fistfight at a yard sale. You carry a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach the kids in the backseat. If you've ever fixed a broken coil primary wire on a car with a safety pin off your date's bra strap, and didn't think the date was unusual. If you've got a matching set of salad bowls that all say "cool whip" on them. If you take the Christmas lights on the front porch down in November, and only long enough to get them working again. You've ever used duct tape to repair dental work. You've unstopped a sink with a shotgun. Your will states your wife can't touch your money 'til she's fourteen. You have to pass through a metal detector to get to a family reunion. Your coffee table is also a cooler! Your mailing address includes the word "holler". The first time you ever saw your wife in lingerie, you had to pay a cover charge. You've sold a car to settle a bar tab. The best sofa you ever had came out of a Chevrolet. You've ever used your bathtub as a punch bowl. If you have ever been accused of lying through your tooth. If you have ever used a barstool as a walker.
DON'T MESS WITH THE MUSICIANS There was a feud between the Pastor and the Choir Director of the Southern Baptist Church. It seems the first hint of trouble came when the Pastor preached on: "Dedicating Yourselves to Service" and the Choir Director chose to sing: "I Shall Not Be Moved." Trying to believe it was a coincidence, the Pastor put the incident behind him. The next Sunday he preached on: "Giving." Afterwards, the choir squirmed as the director led them in the hymn: "Jesus Paid It All." By this time, the Pastor was losing his temper. Sunday morning attendance swelled as the tension between the two built. A large crowd showed up the next week to hear his sermon on "The Sin of Gossiping." Would you believe the Choir Director selected the song: "I Love To Tell The Story?" There was no turning back. The following Sunday the Pastor told the congregation that unless something changed, he was considering resignation. The entire church gasped when the Choir Director led them in: "Why Not Tonight" Truthfully, no one was surprised when the Pastor resigned a week later, explaining that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was leading him away. The Choir Director could not resist: "What A Friend We Have In Jesus."
The husband had just finished his book "Baptist Male Promise Keeper." He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!" I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair? His wife replied, "The Funeral Director."
A couple is watching ''Who Wants To Be a Millionaire.'' The husband winks and says, ''Honey, let's go upstairs...'' The wife says, “no”. The husband asks again, and again she says no. The husband asks, ''Is that your final answer?'' The wife says yes! The husband says, ‘‘well, can I phone a friend?''
For sure
Miss Mackie answers your question about life and sex.
Last issues question, choices and results were: Your in-laws just won't leave you alone! Your husband works long hours, and you are frequently home alone when they drop by to ask nosy questions, criticize your housekeeping or remind you of other women your husband should have married. Do you:
a: Inform them you have a vaginal infection, and would they like to see? 39.53% b: Take them on a hike through the woods, making sure to bring some shovels and tarp? 37.21% c: Tell them your life story using power point presentations? 23.26%
The winner of last issue's Miss Mackie poll is "a" with 39.53% of the votes. Since "a" won the majority I think we should open up a Campfire bakery with all the excess yeast out there.
This week's question is for you men, or if you ladies want to answer for your ole man fine. Just don't tell anyone because someone just might think you qualify for Sergeant of Arms at your local NOW chapter. Oh what the hell, you ladies deserve a little chuckle too, so go ahead and take the poll.
Cosmopolitan and other fashion and beauty magazines have scores of relationship quizzes each month. They just make you think you need to use feminine hygiene spray. Take the Miss Mackie's dating quiz, it's the ultimate test, and is foolproof so help me God. Take the Miss Mackie Dating Quiz here
did you hear about the gay Australian? he was stuck in Sidney all night!!
Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train Americans to stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
Did you know the government is releasing a new stamp dedicated to prostitution? It's 32 cents . . . but if you lick it, it's a dollar.
What do public speaking and oral sex have in common? One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.
Did you hear that AT&T bought Hoover vacuum and their new motto is "Reach out and suck someone?"
Q. What did the worm say to the caterpillar? A. Who'd you have to fuck to get that fur coat!
A redneck is driving 'round the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck under my truck. He's still wriggling what should I do?'' "In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker agrees and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush." "So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped. "The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing."
Yep it's
INTERMISSION TIME Take time out to join our members.
Be sure to visit great comedy sites at the end and give the Campfire a boost. You know it's kinda like the DOGS DO. I Check out your ass your check out mine LOL.
Two features today If you are not returned to this spot use the bookmark menu on the left and select Kewl Flash link.
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A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor. "No, from skipping," replied the blonde.
Q: Why do blondes have bruises around their belly-buttons? A: Because blonde guys aren't too smart either.
Have you heard about the blonde that went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?
Or the blonde that got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?
What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievement? An IN-BODY experience!
Why do blondes wear red lipstick? Because red means "Stop, wrong hole."
A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun, they just don't remember who with.
So you Brunettes don't always feel left out LOL. What's the difference between a garbage bag and a brunette? The garbage bag get taken out regularly!!
One day a guy with premature ejaculation problems went to a doctor. The doctor said, "Whenever you feel the urge to ejaculate, startle yourself." So he went out and bought a starter pistol. When he got home, his wife was naked in bed, ready for him. So they got in the 69 position and started at it. Soon he felt the urge to cum, so he fired the pistol. The next day he went to the doctor. The doctor asked him how it went. He said, "Not too good doc. My wife bit off three inches of my dick, shit in my face, and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands up."
International File in Uttoxeter, England where Michael Watkins walked into a grocery store, flashed a knife and demanded money. The cashier would hear none of it and grabbed the nearest weapon, a big squeeze bottle of salad dressing, which she squirted all over him. She continued to spray him until our walking Caesar salad gave up and headed out the door. The cops were called and they were literally able to follow the trail of salad dressing along the pavement to a nearby side street where they found him trying to clean himself up. He's under arrest.
From Lexington, North Carolina, Teresa Jackson's boyfriend was in jail and Teresa hatched a plan for getting him out. She went down to the jail with a mini blowtorch in her purse. While she was waiting for the guards to bring her boyfriend from the cell, she began melting a corner of the plexiglass that separates visitors from inmates. Unfortunately, this produced a large volume of noxious smoke, which attracted the attention of the other guards. She's under arrest.
An old couple was short of cash, so the husband decided to send his wife out, on the game, to earn some extra money. The old girl was gone for 4 days and she came home looking exhausted and put $149.50 on the table. Her indignant husband said: "Which miserable sob gave you 50 cents?" She replied: "They all did."
Ladies this is for you. Use the button for the gee Spot. Sorry this has been discontinued.
THIS IS THE CHIEF TALKING MEN. Man your stations and be ready to fire when you see the pink of their.........
For the Men's Locker use the button. Sorry this has been discontinued.
Some videos can be lengthy. Please let them load or go to the next one. If you close the clip and don't return to this spot use the side menu and select "Funny Clips."
GEORGE CARLIN If you close the clip and don't return to this spot use the side menu and select "Funny Clips."
VISIT THE CHILI PAGE FOR SOME CLASSIC LAUGHS
Today's Cartoon by Fitz
Use you browser back button to return here or hold your shift key down when you click the link or right click and open in new window. That will open the link in it's own separate page and you can just click the x and you are right back here.
One of the Campfire Members has shared some nice blinkies of all the states and I thought I would share them with anyone that would like them. Thank you IDA. Ok guys, bet your can't concentrate and beat this game. Some really cool cars and some pimped out mobiles LOL interesting graphical flash explanation of the tsunami from tipyconoe
The messages below are approved by the Chief and paid for by selling Mac Ipods to Helen Keller.
One of the best mailing list for all your computer needs. http://www.billthechief.com/linkssub.htm ~~~~~ Jokes updated every two weeks
Two of the Tribe members have another great comedy site. Please visit and support them.
YOUR CAMPFIRE GOT SOME AWARDS TRIBE. I THANK ALL OF YOU FOR YOUR PARTICIPATION. WITHOUT YOU WE WOULD NOT HAVE A REASON TO BE HERE.
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"LEAVE NO HUMAN BEHIND"
We recently had our anniversary and I told my wife that the first time I met her I wanted to screw here really bad. She didn't even look up from her book and said "Well, you succeeded." What kinda shit is that? Grrrrrrrrrr
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I found the neatest way to make my wife a more careful and defensive driver. I pointed out that if she's ever in an accident, the paper's gonna print her real age.
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Why is it that we are repulsed by the mention of some types of food? Take for instance boiled tongue. Yuck, now who would want to eat anything out of a cow's mouth? But, you will sit down and have three fried eggs NO PROBLEMO.
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Marriage is an institution where two people come together to jointly solve the problems they never had before they got married.
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Oh yea, it's getting close to that time of the year. I fired up the old Turbo Tax to see what's new with the tax laws and my computer immediately puked. Damn, it took me two days of begging it to please light up.
If Congress can pay farmers not to raise crops, why can't we pay Congress not to raise taxes?
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Doing your own income tax return is a lot like a do-it-yourself mugging.
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Did you ever notice? When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells: "THEIRS."
I hope you all had a good time Tribe. See you next issue.
I guess this might be a reason you never stand under a tree during a storm. AWESOME.......
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