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Feb 13, 2005
You hemorrhoids, the song is called "Rapture." I realize she is hard to understand but hey, she's blonde and believes in Martians eating cars, bars and guitars so what do you expect? I wonder where she got her smoke.
Now is this a touch of early rap or what? Eat your heart out Snoop.
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KEWL FLASH Two new movies this week
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CAMPFIRE AUDIO One Funny Audio this week
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| With the increase in membership I have had to hire a public relations person that can bridge the gap between all stereotypes. I hope you welcome her, him, ah, ah. I'll get back with ya on this.
In response to President Bush's Federal "No Child Left Behind Act" (NCLB), it is proposed that students will have to pass a test to be promoted to the next grade level. In the hope that this proposal will be uniformly adopted by all of the states as well as North Carolina, the new test will be called the Federal Arithmetic and Reading Test, or FART. All students who cannot pass a FART in the second grade will be re-tested in Grades 3, 4, and 5 until they are capable of passing a FART score of 80%. If a student does not successfully FART by grade 5, that student shall be placed in a separate English program known as the Special Mastery Elective for Learning Language, or SMELL. If, with this increased SMELL program, the student cannot pass the required FART test, he or she can still graduate to middle school by taking another one-semester course in Comprehensive Reading and Arithmetic Preparation, or CRAP. If by age fourteen the student cannot FART, SMELL, or CRAP, he or she can earn promotion in an intensive one-week seminar known as the Preparatory Reading for Unprepared Nationally Exempted Students, or PRUNES. It is the opinion of the Department of Instruction for Public Schools (DIPS) that an intensive week of PRUNES will enable any student to FART, SMELL, or CRAP. This revised provision of the student component of the House Bill 101 should help "clear the air" as part of the "No School Left Standing" Act.
A Newfie decides to travel across Canada to see the Pacific Ocean. When he gets to Nanaimo, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job. He walks into the MacMillan-Bloedel office and fills out an application as an 'experienced' logger. It's his lucky day. They just happen to be looking for someone. But first, the bush foreman takes him for a ride in the bush in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows. The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree. "See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains." The Newfie promptly answers, "It's a Sitka spruce and contains 383 board feet of lumber." The foreman is impressed. He puts the truck in motion and stops again about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger door window. and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class. "It's a Douglas fir and has 690 board feet." says the Newfie. Now the foreman is really impressed. The Newfie has answered quickly and got the answers right without even using a calculator! One more test. They drive a little farther down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window. "And what about that one?" Before the foreman finishes pointing, he Newfie says, "A Yellow cedar, 242 board feet." The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office. He's a little pissed off because he thinks that the Newfie is smarter than he. As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks the Newfie to step outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "See that tree over there. I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree. "The foreman thinks to himself, "Idiot! How does he know which is the front of the tree? "When the Newfie reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white X on the trunk. He runs back to the foreman and hands him the chalk. "That is the front of the tree," the Newfie states, cocksure. The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, "How in the hell do you know that's the front of the tree?" The Newfie looks down at this feet, while moving the toe of his left boot clockwise in the gravel, replies, "Cuz someone took a Shit BEHIND it." He got the job !
My Corn consultant dipped into some vintage sour mash. I hope he gets on the wagon pretty soon.
A man was out walking a dog, and a woman stopped to admire the animal. "What's your dog's name?" she asked. "Herpes," replied the dog's owner." How....odd," said the woman. "Why Herpes?" "Because he won't heel."
I am not going to stand for this crap too long.
Murder at Safeway Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed. A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure that went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying a single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed. A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife into the local Safeway grocery store. There he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings was captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband. And that is why the next day in the newspaper, the headlines declared "ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY"
That's it zip I'm done.
I think the author of this one has been sparking up the greenery to much. What do you pukes think?
A prisoner escapes from his California prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and starts kissing her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. If he wants to go all the way, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you" To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too.
LONDON (Feb. 8) - A Welsh rugby fan cut off his own testicles to celebrate Wales beating England at rugby, the Daily Mirror reported Tuesday. Geoff Huish, 26, was so convinced England would win Saturday's match he told fellow drinkers at a social club, "If Wales win I'll cut my balls off," the paper said. Friends at the club in Caerphilly, south Wales, thought he was joking. But after the game Huish went home, severed his testicles with a knife, and walked 200 yards back to the bar with the testicles to show the shocked drinkers what he had done. Huish was taken to hospital where he remained in serious condition, the paper said. Wales's 11-9 victory over England at the Millennium Stadium in Cardiff was their first home win over England in 12 years.
Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. No one has gotten it right. A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met this guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing, so much her dream guy she believed him to be just that! She fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister. Question: What is her motive in killing her sister? (Give this some thought before you scroll down) [scroll down] v v v v v v Answer: She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly. If you didn't answer the question correctly good for you. If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off of my email list unless that will tick you off, then I'll just be extra nice to you from now on. :)
This Weeks Planter's Award
Instructions on how to clean your toilet 1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. 2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse". 6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off. 9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean. Sincerely, The Dog
The preacher's Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies". Toward the end of the service, He asked his congregation, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. This time about 80 percent held up their hands. He then repeated his question again. All responded, except one small elderly lady. "Mrs.Jones?" inquired the preacher, "are you not willing to forgive your enemies? "I don't have any," she replied smiling sweetly. "Mrs. Jones, That is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-three." she replied. "Oh Mrs. Jones, what a blessing and a lesson to us all you are. Would you please come down in front of this congregation and tell us all how a person can live ninety-three years and not have an enemy in the world?" Mrs. Jones tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches!" LOL
A Preacher looks down on his Congregation and says "All I see before me are Sinners, now I want all of you that's been a'he'in and a'she'in to get out of my Church, and I want all you who've been a'she'in and a'she'in to get out of my Church, and then I want all you who've been a'he'in and a'he'in to leave my Church. As the Preacher looks on what is left of his Congregation all that's left is one little boy, the Preacher smiles at the lad and says "Of all my Flock you are the only one without sin, and boy says " No Sir, I was just waiting 'til ya got to a'me'in and a'me'in and I was goin"..........
Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom. "Suzy wants to go out to my car. She's really hot," one boy said. "I'm really nervous. I know I'll goof up!" "Take it easy," his friend assured him. "All you gotta do is compliment her. Chicks love to be complemented. You'll have her in the palm of your hand." About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black eye. "Shit, man! What happened to you?!" his buddy asked. "I took your advice." "Didn't you compliment her?" "Sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that for such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that. After a while I started feeling her tits, and I told her that for such large breasts they sure were firm. She liked that, too." "It sounds like you were doing great," his friend said. "Well," the other answered, "that's when everything went wrong. I got her dress up and her panties off, and I tried to think of another compliment." "What did you say?" "For such a large crack, it doesn't stink much."
Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl standing in front of his bed. "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?.. and who are you?" he asked. "This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven." "WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die.. I'm too young." said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately." "It's not that easy", said St. Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You can choose on your own..." Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return as a hen." Harry replied. And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But man, now "he" felt like the rear end was gonna blow.. then along came the rooster. "Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it feel?" "Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up." "Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before??" "No, how do I do that?" Harry asked. "Cluck twice, and then you push all you can." Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop' and an egg was on the ground. "Wow" Harry said "that felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: "Harry, for Gods sake wake up, you're shitting all over the bed!"
Jet Powered Motorcycle LOL
Miss Mackie answers your question about life and sex.
Last issues question, choices and results were: Your wife dresses in baggy tee shirts and jeans around the house. When she goes out with her friends she puts on very low cut revealing blouses and short tight skirts. You know guys are all over her. Do you: a: Put a bumper sticker on her car that says "Honk if you have vaginal odor". 22.86% b: While protecting your genitals ask if she's been gaining weight lately. 20.00% c: Buy yourself a gold tooth, silver tipped cane and leopard print suit and make yourself some money off the bitch. 57.14%
The winner of last issue's Miss Mackie poll is "c" with 57.14% of the votes. Looks like we have a clear cut winner. Most men think of themselves as Percy the Pimp.
Q. How do you tell that you have a high sperm count? A. Your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.
Q. Why are electric trains like women's breasts? A. They were designed for kids, but the father usually winds up playing with them.
Q. What do soy beans and vibrators have in common? A. They are both meat substitutes.
Q. What do a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist have in common? A. They can both smell it, but they can't eat it.
Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine? A. You can drop your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later.
Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock? A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
Q. What's the worst thing you can say to a man who complains that his wife is frigid? A. "No, she isn't!"
The Lone Ranger And Tonto The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding on the range one day. The two came to a stop, where Tonto jumped off his horse and put his head on the ground to listen to see if anyone was coming. After a few seconds he rose and said "Buffalo come." The Lone Ranger was amazed and proclaimed "Damn you Indians are smart, how the hell did you know there were buffaloes coming?" Tonto replied, "Face sticky."
Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water.
Yep, it's time to skedaddle to shore for INTERMISSION TIME Take time out to join our members.
Be sure to visit great comedy sites at the end and give the Campfire a boost. You know it's kinda like the DOGS DO. I Check out your ass your check out mine LOL.
Two features today If you are not returned to this spot use the bookmark menu on the left and select Kewl Flash link.
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"Did you hear what happened?" Jim asked when he saw me walking down the hallway at work. "Hear what" I asked, my curiosity peaked. "The regional vice president died this morning!" "What?!" I asked, totally stunned. "What happened?" Jim began explaining. "Everyone was gone except his secretary. You know the one." "Boy do I. She's that young blonde babe." "Yeah that's the one. Turns out she isn't too smart, though." "What do you mean?" I asked. "He kept yelling at her to 'call 911'. She just stood there waiting for him to give her the rest of the phone number."
A
blonde was so stupid she threw a donut out because it had a hole in the
middle.
Q: Why did the blonde snort Nutra-Sweet? A: She thought it was diet coke.
Q: Why did the blonde take two hits of acid? A: She wanted to go on a round trip.
Q. What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket? A. A rebel without a clue.
A blonde goes into a bar. The bartender asks her what she would like, and she replies, "Bring me a beer." The bartender then asks, "Anheuser-Busch?" To which she replies, "Fine thanks, and how's your cock?"
Two brunettes and a blonde are attempting to fix a roof. While they are on the roof, a herd of cattle run by and knock down the ladder and leave a big pile of shit behind. The two brunettes decide to make the blonde check how deep the shit is so they can jump down. So the blonde jumps down and yells, "It's only ankle deep." So the two brunettes jump down and scream, "What are you talking about?! It's up to our heads!" And the blonde replies, "Well, I jumped in head first."
Belgium A man in Belgium was arrested because police suspected that he had robbed a jewelry store. The man swore he did not do it. When the police asked if he had an alibi, he explained that he had been busy breaking into a school at the same time. Police dropped the jewelry store charges and instead arrested him for breaking into the school.
Kidnappers abducted Gildo Santos near his factory in a suburb of Sao Paulo and demanded $690,000 for ransom. Santos, however, escaped. The next day, Santos got a phone call asking for $11,500 to defray the cost of the abduction. After negotiating a 50 percent reduction, Santos called police, when the abductors showed up to collect payment.
Arizona A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies and other events. One day, a middle-aged woman called to inquire if they could kill her husband. She was sentenced to four and a half years.
Two little old ladies had been very long-time close friends. But being old-fashioned, and needing nursing care, each went to a nursing home of her own respective religion. It was not long before Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, so one day she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend. When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs, and kisses. Mrs. Murphy said "Don't be holdin' back, Esther. How do you like it here?" Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and the nurses. Then, with a twinkle in her eye, she said, "But the best thing is that I now have a boyfriend." Mrs. Murphy said, "Now isn't that wonderful! Tell me all about it." Mrs. Cohen said, "After lunch we go up to my room and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on the top, and then on the bottom, and then we sing Jewish songs." Mrs. Murphy said, "For sure it's a blessing. I'm so glad for you Esther. Mrs. Cohen said, "And how is it with you, Mary? Mrs. Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility, and that she also had a boyfriend. Mrs. Cohen said, "Good for you! So what do you do?" "We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me down below." Mrs. Cohen said, "Yes? And then...?" Mrs. Murphy said, "Well, since we don't know any Jewish songs, we fuck.
Ladies this is for you. Use the button for the gee Spot. Sorry this has been discontinued.
THIS IS THE CHIEF TALKING MEN. Man your stations and be ready to fire when you see the pink of their.........
For the Men's Locker use the button. Sorry this has been discontinued.
I laughed my ass off on one of these Some videos can be lengthy. Please let them load or go to the next one. If you close the clip and don't return to this spot use the side menu and select "Funny Clips."
JUST ONE EYE
VISIT THE CHILI PAGE FOR SOME CLASSIC LAUGHS
Today's Cartoon by Fitz
Use your browser back button to return here or hold your shift key down when you click the link, or right click and select "open in new window." That will open the link in it's own separate page where you can just click the x and you are right back here. Learn about the National Budget using Oreo Cookies Duirwaigh Gallery- Very nice art work and presentation What doesn't make this guy horny? LOL
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Ah, the troubles of man
"LEAVE NO HUMAN BEHIND" New Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice is on a tour of all our European allies. That should be the shortest trip on the books for a Secretary of State.
My wife and I were lying in bed one evening last week; she was reading a Steven King book, and I was reading an article in Reader's Digest about Animal Husbandry. I told her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?" She didn't even look up from her book and said "prove it." Damn, I had to think about that one for a little bit. She can be so sarcastic.
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A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist hopes they are.
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If you've ended up in hell with someone, and you're still mad at them, where do you tell them to go?
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Shrink-to-fit jeans are spewing out of the garment industry into your local department stores for the spring. I think you would save money by snatching up the old stock of large regular jeans because most people have a grow-to-fit asses anyway.
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Did you ever stop to think that if Pilgrims had of killed cats instead of Turkeys for dinner we would be having pussy for Thanksgiving dinner. Sounds good to me.....
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Why is a pap smear called a pap smear? ******
I hope you all had a good time Tribe. See you next issue.
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