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March 5, 2005
SHAFT ISSAC HAYES
Yea, the guy must be having a relapse from all the joints he smoked. We got enough Presidents that sparked up to start a band and call them the Doobie Brothers. Shit I forgot, that name is already taken.
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Yea, yea, couldn't it wait, I was just about to start the show?
Sorry Tribe, it was important after all LOL.
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?" I think this kid should make the Dean's list LOL
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
My Corn consultant has been rolling the old corn silk lately. One day I am gonna find where he has it hidden and invite everyone over for a bon fire 8-)
There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party, then he had a bright idea. When the hostess answered the door, she found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on. "What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the hostess. "A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!" I bet she found that hard to swallow.
A man walking on a beach saw a bottle, picked it up, rubbed it, and poof a genie came out (not another Genie joke) and said "Master I will give you two wishes." The man thought for a while and said "I wish I could be hard all the time and get all the ass I want." The genie said "Your wish is my command." and poof the man turned into a toilet. That's it time to flush this crap.
"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."
Pretty bad ones this time. Whatcha think pukes?
Technical Terms Explained Aussie Kiss: Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under. Beaver Leaver: or Vagina Decliner. A homosexual. Beer Coat: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning. BOBFOC: Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch. Bone of Contention: A hard-on that causes an argument. E.g. one that arises when a man is watching Olympic beach volleyball on TV with his girlfriend. Budgie's Tongue: or Small Man In A Boat, or Tongue Punch bag. The female erection. Double Bass: A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her Budgie's Tongue with the other. The position is similar to that used when playing a double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different. Hand-to-Gland Combat: A vigorous masturbation session. Monkey Bath: A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: ... "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!". Sperm Wail: or Spuphemism. A verbal outburst during the male orgasm. 2-Bagger: Someone that you'd need 2 paper bags to have sex with. 1 to cover their head, and 1 to cover yours, in case their bag falls off. Titanic: A lady who goes down first time out. Todger Dodger: A lesbian. X-Piles: Unwanted visitors from Uranus. Hymen Horny: A teen age occupational hazard
Do You Know Where Your Nuts Are Today?
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. It was only because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic that the other residents tolerated her, and in fact some of the male patients actually joined in. One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Crazy Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "Stop!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around her pocketbook and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper, and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and Ethel sped away down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Willie popped out in front of her and shouted "Stop! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him. Willie nodded and said, "Carry on, Missy." As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Charlie stepped out in front of her, stark naked, and I might add with a sizable erection. "Oh good grief," cried Ethel, "not the Breathalyzer again!"
JANUARY 14--Fate Patterson. The 39-year-old Arkansas jogging enthusiast was arrested this week and charged with indecent exposure after cops watched him run, naked from the waist down, past their patrol car. Patterson's bust came after months of citizen complaints that some kook was taking naked late-night runs. When Patterson ignored police warnings to stop Monday night, he was corralled with the aid of one of those handy Taser devices, according to the West Memphis Police arrest report. It is unclear why Patterson chose to run nude. I'll bet the lack of clothes surely helped his sprint times.
Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
In the 60s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog. Lie down on the couch and I'll examine you. I can't, I'm not allowed on the furniture.
This Weeks Planter's Award
What can I say LMAO
A rich man and a poor man were sitting in a bar late one night. They were talking about different things and then the poor man asked the rich man what he bought his wife for her birthday. "I got her a brand new Mercedes Benz and a 24-karat diamond ring," says the rich man. The poor man, a bit puzzled, asked, "Why the hell did you get her both?" The rich man replied, "I got her both so if she doesn't like the ring, she can drive her new car back to the jeweler's to exchange it. So... What did YOU buy for YOUR wife?" The poor man said, "I bought her a pair of flip-flops and a dildo." Obviously confused, the rich man asked why he chose those items. The poor man replied, "Because if she doesn't like the flip-flops, she can go fuck herself!"
Good Ole Religion
Perfect by Proxy
A preacher was really hitting his stride one Sunday, Delivering a sermon on sin. "Is there anyone here who is without SIN?" he shouted, glowering at the congregation. Embarrassed parishioners stirred nervously in their seats, but no one stood. Feeling he really had them this time, the preacher said, "Is there anyone here who thinks he or she is PERFECT?" One small man, seated next to a rather imposing woman, rose nervously to his feet. "So, Brother Jones, you think YOU are PERFECT?" Cowering, the man replied, "No, Reverend, I'm just standing in for my wife's first husband. That Bastard had to be PERFECT!" LOL
You Got Your Nerve
"The nerve endings, said St. Peter. "How many will I put in her hands?" "How many did we put in Adam?", asked The Lord. "Two hundred, O Mighty One", replied St. Peter. "Then we shall do the same for this woman," said The Lord. "How many nerve endings should we put in woman's genitals", inquired St. Peter. "How many did we put in Adam?", asked The Lord. "Four hundred and twenty, O Mighty One", replied St. Peter. "Of course, we did want Adam to have a means of receiving extra pleasure in his life, didn't we? Do the same for woman", said The Lord. "Yes, O Great Lord", said St. Peter. "No, wait.", said The Lord. "Screw it, give her ten thousand, I want her to scream out my name!..."
The hookers were having a slow day with tricks and decided that they would all go out for lunch. One of them said, "If we all go at the same time, our Madam will be angry if there is no one here to service any customers that show up. What should we do?" Another hooker came up with a solution and proceeded to write a sign to place on the front door. The sign read: "Out To Lunch. Go Fuck Yourself."
A guy was watching the game, drinking a few beers and popping beer nuts into his mouth, when his wife began yelling at him. He turned his head toward her and accidentally popped a beer nut into his ear. Both him and his wife tried and tried but neither could get it out. All right she said, lets get you to the hospital. As they walked outside their daughter and her boyfriend walked up and she asked, where are you and dad going. The mother said, "We're off to the hospital, your father has a beer nut caught in his ear." The boyfriend then asked, before you go can I try to dislodge it. The boyfriend then stuck two fingers up the fathers nose and told him to blow. The father blew and out popped the beer nut. The mother then asked the father, our daughters boyfriend is so intelligent, what do you think he'll be when he grows up. The father replied, by the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.
Miss Mackie answers your question about life and sex.
Last issue's questions, choices and results were: You have a coworker who does everything in his power to discredit you with your boss. He calls attention to your every mistake and gossips behind your back. Do you:
a: Feed him ExLax when you know he will be in a meeting with the boss for hours. 50.00% b: Hire a heroin addicted transvestite with open sores and bleeding gums to meet him at the office as his lunch date. 27.78% c: For the next 3 months send him a daily package and include such items as cat shit, road kill and used tampons. 22.22%
The winner of last issue's Miss Mackie poll is "a" with 50.00% of the votes.
It's a shitty job but someone has to do it with answer a as the winner of the poll
PRICELESS
I'd Like to Get In Your Shorts
Bubba and Billy Bob were sitting on the tailgates of their pick-ups shooting the breeze. Bubba asks Billy Bob, "If I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz out fishin an' made love to your wife, and she got pregnant, would dat make us kin?" Billy Bob scratched his head for a bit then said, "I don't think so, but it shore would make us even!"
A cop pulls a guy over for weaving across two lanes of traffic. He walks up to the drivers window and asks, "You drinkin'?" The driver said, "Why are you buying?"
Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets? So he could run his fingers through his hair!
Girl: Do you believe in puppy love? Boy: I tried it once, but their assholes are too small.
Q: Why are hunters so great lovers in bed? A: Because they go deep into the bush, shoot twice and eat everything they shoot!
A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Why? Are my eyes bulging?"
What's the best date to bring on a picnic? One who will arch her back so your balls don't get grass-stained.
I'll Bank On That A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him"BUT, they are sperm samples???", "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
Well then we will give you time to change it.
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Today's Flash Features Two features today If you are not returned to this spot use the bookmark menu on the left and select Kewl Flash link.
Blondes, Ya Gotta Luv em
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There were three women, a brunette, a red head, and a blonde who were trying to break the world record for fastest time to swim across the English Channel doing only the breaststroke. The brunette shows up on the other side 48 hours later. "Congratulations!" everyone shouts. 2 hours after the brunette shows up, the red head appears. "Good try" everyone shouts to her. Two weeks later, the blonde shows up. When everyone asked her what happened, she replied, "I don't mean to sound like a poor sport, but I think the other two women were using their arms."
A blonde lady motorist was two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?" "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?" "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be delivered to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you fifty dollars for your trouble." "I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went. Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of the crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you fifty dollars o take these chimpanzees to the zoo." "Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money left over so we went to the movies!"
Blonde, Brunett, and Redhead Mating Calls Just so you Brunettes and Reds don't feel left out LOL
Q: What is a blonde's mating call? A: I am so fucking drunk! Q: What is a brunette's mating call? A: Has that damn blonde left yet! Q: What is a redhead's mating call? A: (Snap fingers and say) NEXT!
A blonde carpenter was fixing up some wooden window frames on a 50-story building. He was using an electric saw and accidentally cut one of his ears off. A guy was walking along the street below him so he called out, ''Hey, you on the street, can you see my ear down there?'' The guy on the street picks up an ear saying, ''Is this it?'' ''No,'' was the reply from the blonde carpenter, ''mine had a pencil behind it.''
Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle? A: They are fucked when they're on their back.
Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common? A: They both have a black box
Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde? A: Butter is difficult to spread.
Just When You Thought You Were Safe
JANUARY 21--The Oklahoma judge who was forced from the bench last year for using a penis pump in court (among other really gross acts) was charged yesterday with indecent exposure for his judicial indiscretions. Donald Thompson, 58, entered a not guilty plea yesterday to three felony counts during an appearance in Creek County District Court, where he worked until resigning last August. According to the below yucky probable cause affidavit, Thompson exposed himself during three separate 2003 cases (two of which were murder trials). For example, on May 13, while he was presiding over State v. Kurt Arnold Vomberg (who was accused of killing his girlfriend's 21-month-old daughter), Thompson loudly pumped himself up. Two court employees told investigators that they saw Thompson attach the suction device to his penis, while five jurors reported hearing whooshing sounds, which they thought were coming from either a bicycle pump, blood pressure cuff, or an air cushion on the judge's chair. Another case of the short arm of the law LOL
Austin Gullette. The 45-year-old Louisiana man was arrested Monday night for pig fornication (technically known as a "crime against nature" in the bayou). According to Ouachita Parish Sheriff's deputies, Gullette's own sister caught him violating her animal, a 125-pound Vietnamese potbelly named PePie. She was alerted to the crime by the sound of squealing, which apparently emanated from the pig. If convicted of the felony count, Gullette faces a maximum of five years in prison. I think it would be a good idea he not admit what got him arrested LOL.
Signs, Signs, Everywhere a Sign
A guy walks up to a beautiful girl in a supper market says excess me but I lost my girl friend last night would you mind standing here and talking to me for a few minutes? The girl replies I guess but I don't see how it would help any, The guy says "Well you see, every time I meet a beautiful woman with boobs like yours my girl friend appears out of nowhere.
I Know Nice Art When I See It
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Today' Funny Audio
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"LEAVE NO HUMAN BEHIND" LIFE
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I did something really stupid. My wife chewed me out for it. So I apologized, and we made up. However, from time to time, she mentions what I had done. "Honey," I finally said one day, "why do you keep bringing that up? I thought your policy was 'forgive and forget.'" "It is," she said. "I just don't want you to forget that I've forgiven and forgotten." Grrrrr I just can not break her wall.
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"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something."
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Stress is when you wake up screaming, and you realize you weren't asleep.
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If you've ended up in hell with someone, and you're still mad at them, where do you tell them to go?
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I hope you all had a good time Tribe. See you next issue.
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