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March 28, 2005
Mama Told me Not To Come Three Dog Night
Sorry hemorrhoids, the amenities are for management only. Now get back to work.
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| Banner Month Tribe
I guess with the record number of visits and .gov hits we got this month it was only a matter of time before we had a distinguished guest pay us a visit LOL.
One thing I learned from the visit yesterday from the Easter Bunny is a cute little tail sure attracts a lot of attention.
Actual Cybersex Log Long but funny
Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of Cybersex. Then again, maybe he does.... Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like? Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like? Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Wal-Mart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner. It's smells funny. Sweetheart: I want you! Would you like to screw me? Wellhung: OK Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge. Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat. Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest. Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling. Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly. Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly. Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing. Wellhung: My hands suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry. Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive. Wellhung: I'll pay for it. Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder. Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors? Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly... I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you. Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp. Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me. Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat! Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear. Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm. Sweetheart: What? Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really. Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse. Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop. Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing you hard tool. Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee! Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take of my panties! Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you... ummm... wait a minute. Sweetheart: What's the matter? Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking! Sweetheart: Are you OK? Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit! I'm turning all red. Sweetheart: Can I help? Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups? Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink. Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better. Sweetheart: Come back to me lover. Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now. Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you. Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom? Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall. Wellhung: I found it. Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly Wellhung: Me too. Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately our naked bodies pressing each other. Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts. Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses? Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table. Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby! Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom. Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover! Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid. Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return. Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh! Sweetheart: What's the matter now? Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way. Sweetheart: Mmmm, yes. Come on. Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know...thing... in your... you know...woman's thing. Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it! Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here. Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now! Wellhung: I'm flaccid. Sweetheart: What? Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection. Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around, an incredulous look on my face. Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener is all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong. Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse. Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles. Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes. Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face. Sweetheart: Go to hell! I'm logging off, you loser! Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh nooooo! Sweetheart: Bye!!! Told ya it was long or in this case Wellhung
NO SPEEKA DA ENGLAIS A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives........." "Hey, coola down lady," said the man.......... "Who talkin' abouta sexa?..... I'm a justa tellin' my frienda, how to spella 'Mississippi!".
Our Corn Consultant had a run in with the Revenuers and lost some of his finest smoking crop. He was not quite up to doing this weeks corn so I bribed him with a newer issue (circa 1970) of a Sears and Roebuck catalogue. I didn't have the heart to tell him he will have to wade through K-Mart/Martha Stewart home collection to get his favorite brand of chawin tabaccy.
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for Whom the Tells bowled.
Well at least the author of this joke struck out on something geeeez.
A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
With crap like this we should all pitch in and provide the author of this joke a year's supply of laxatives!!!!
Two flies buzzing around see a female fly sitting on a dog poo. One fly says to the other: "She's real nice, I'm gonna have her". The other fly says "no way, she's far too good for you".\ Nah, the first fly says, I'm telling you she's mine, I got the perfect chat up line, I bet you it works. Ok, give it a go, I gotta see this. So he buzzes down and sits on a nugget next to her and says "Excuse me, is this stool taken?" Hey, hold on with that laxative order. We need to double it.
Boy the Corn Consultant must have been sitting in the outhouse fumes too long on this issue. Whatcha think little pukes?
A man in his 50's buys a beautiful pair of shoes on his way home from work. When he gets home he asks his wife if she notices anything different about him. She says no. At bed time he gets completely naked except for his new shoes and again asks his wife if she notices anything different about him. She says well let's see you've got the same old useless cock hanging limp as usual. He says look at where it's "pointing". I bought new shoes! His wife then says "you should have bought a new hat!
Do You Know Where Your Nuts Are Today?
A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient." This one should have made the corn field.
Cleanup In Aisle Six Kentucky clod caught on tape abusing helpless athletic shoes. knucklehead Grady Wallace from Kentucky made a recent visit to Covington's Value City, a cleanup in the shoe aisle was necessary. According to the below police report, Wallace was hit with a felony criminal mischief charge for marking of all those innocent Reeboks and Nike shoes. The damp and damaged goods were valued at about $1000 by a store manager. Now we have shoe abuse to add to the records LOL
The best thing about having dementia is that you get to meet new people every day!
Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you.
This Weeks Planter's Award
Leave it someone to gum up the works LOL
A man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh." "Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen. Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen."
Good Ole Religion
"The Brothel"
Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad." Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jewish are fallin' victim to temptation as well." Then they see a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying.
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father." The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever He walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied, well hung, Male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God...."
A teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And, once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em. Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots." Her trial starts next month.
Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions. The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know.... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist" The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know.... Double Income, No Kids." The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know... Rich, Urban, Biker." They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?" She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know.... Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
Miss Mackie answers your question about life and sex.
Last issue's questions, choices and results were: While it's a dream come true to have a girlfriend that wants sex twice a day, in the past few months she has gotten fat, stopped shaving her legs and her breath smells. The universal male trick of imagining her as a beautiful babe has not worked and you simply can't get a hard on. Do you:
A. Conjure up an image of having sex with Janet Reno. Your girlfriend will look like Pamela Anderson after that nightmare. 33.33% B. Give her subtle hints that she has let herself go: squeal and grunt like a pig during sex and tell her swine is the buzz word of the day. 29.63% C. Get a jumbo plastic garbage bag and ask her to play the new sex scenario game: Oh look I found a dead body in the trash! 37.04%
The winner of last issue's Miss Mackie poll is "C" with 37.04% of the votes. Since most men prefer using garbage bags it can only mean that you men have been trained well on how to take out garbage.
PRICELESS
I'd Like to Get In Your Shorts
You can encapsulate a marriage in four words. If a fellow gets married, but finds a temptation elsewhere, hears about it from his wife when she finds out, and finds himself served with papers, you can sum up the experience as: Hitched, Itched, Bitched, Ditched.
Q: Why do woman get their belly buttons pierced? A: So they have a place to hang a air freshener!
I like Kids. But I don't think I could eat a whole one.
Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a whore? A: A fucking know it all.
Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores? "101 Ways to Wok Your Dog" Yum, bet they are good with rice noodles.
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb ? None. The invisible hand does it.
How can you tell if a redneck is married? There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.
you might be a redneck if your a member of the KKK and you can't spell it either.
Definition of a Gynecologist: Spreader of old wives tails
BLACK BOOK
A guy comes up to another at a bar and asks:
YEP IT'S TIME FOR A NICE COLD STIFF ONE ON ICE. DRINK UP MEN.
AND ONE FOR THE LADIES LOL INTERMISSION TIME Take time out to join our members.
Be sure to visit great comedy sites at the end and on the home page to give the Campfire a boost. You know it's kinda like the monkeys do. I pick your fleas you pick mine :-)
Today's Flash Features Two features today If you are not returned to this spot use the bookmark menu on the left and select Kewl Flash link.
Blondes, Ya Gotta Luv em
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Three blondes went to Heaven on the same day and showed up at the pearly gates. St. Peter looked them over and said, "Well, before you can enter the gates you have to answer one simple question, to show you know something about why you're here." The first blonde stepped up to the gates, and St. Peter said, "Now, explain to me, what is Easter?" The woman replied, "Oh, that's easy. That's the holiday in November, when everybody gets together to give thanks, and eats turkey, and..." "Wrong," replied St. Peter, "You'll have to wait." He turned to the second blonde and said, "What is Easter?" The second blonde replied, "I know, Easter is about Jesus. In December, when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate His birthday." St. Peter shook his head in disgust at the second woman and sighed. He turned to the third blonde and said, "You look a little smarter than the other two... Now, WHAT IS EASTER?" The third blonde smiled and said, "I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that takes place in the spring. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper, and He was deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. Then the Romans took Him to be crucified and stabbed Him in the side, made Him wear a crown of thorns, and crucified Him. He died, and was buried in a cave sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiled and nodded. The blonde continued, "And every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out, and if He sees His shadow there will be six more weeks of winter." St. Peter fainted...
The Divorce
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean, what is the foundation of this case?" "Oh, it's made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He asked, "Well, do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." Exasperated, he tried again, "Please, is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, no, I don't want a divorce." she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He says he can't communicate with me."
It's with great tragedy that I report my blonde next door neighbour tried to kill her toy poodle. She tried putting batteries in it.
Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory? A: Proof-reading.
Q. Why do blondes get confused in the ladies room? A. They have to pull their own pants down.
Just When You Thought You Were Safe
Texas A woman calmly walked into a grocery store and headed straight for the meat counter. When she saw that no one was looking, she shoved a chicken up her jumper and walked out of the store. A police officer stopped her and the woman turned around with a shocked looked on her face. She swore the chicken had fallen from the sky and landed in her arms. The woman stuck with her story until police showed her the surveillance video of her theft. I have heard of Chicken little saying the sky is falling but never Chicken little falling out of the sky LOL.
Syracuse, NY A group of men arrived in a pizza shop one evening demanding cash and pizza. The group was only gone for a mere twenty minutes before returning to the shop. They were not back for more money, rather they were back to complain that the pizza they had received was quite undercooked. Lucky for them, police who had responded to the robbery were quite content to arrest them back at the shop.
Signs, Signs, Everywhere a Sign
BIRD'S NEST PEE SOUP
Two worms live together on a golf course. The first worm says, "What kind of day is it?" The other worm says, "You know, I don't know, but I was thinking of going up and checking it out." The first worm says, "That's a good idea. Why don't you do that."
So the second worm starts on his way up through the dirt.
At the same time, two lady golfers are walking along the fairway.
Her friend says, "Well, it's very early. There's nobody
else here The first lady says, "You think so? Right here?" Her friend says, "Yeah."
She agrees to do it. She pulls down her skivvies, and
lifts up She lets fly, and forget it, he gets drenched. He's dripping wet as he goes back down through the dirt. He goes up to the first worm, and he's soaking wet. The first worm looks at him and says, "Oh, it's raining, huh?"
The second worm says, "Not only is it raining, but it's
raining so
I Know Nice Art When I See It
I HAVE HEARD OF BRA SIZES OF A, B AND D ETC. BUT, I HAVE NEVER SEEN A Z-BRA UNTIL NOW. :-)
gee SPOT Ladies this is for you. Use the button for the gee Spot. Sorry this has been discontinued.
MEN'S LOCKER
THIS IS THE CHIEF TALKING MEN. Man your stations and be ready to fire when you see the pink of their.........
For the Men's Locker use the button. Sorry this has been discontinued.
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Today' Funny Audio
VISIT THE CHILI PAGE FOR SOME CLASSIC LAUGHS
Today's Cartoon by Fitz
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or from the Campfire Collection
KEWL LINKS
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Cooking with Lesbians LEZ BEANS LOL strong language http://homepage.mac.com/rishey/iMovieTheater74.html
Sleepy Baby LOL http://nl.hallmark.be/ecards/nl_airhorn_nl.swf
Play Neva Shut ha ha http://www.nevashut.com/game/flash.asp
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The messages below are approved by the Chief and paid for by selling the book "Ethics for Dummies" to Tom Delay.
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Deb's Newsletter (jokes, links, variety)
Kick up your feet and put your problems behind you cause darlin' it's
time to ROCK AND ROLL! Web site issues.
Two of the Tribe members have another great comedy site.
YOUR CAMPFIRE GOT SOME AWARDS TRIBE. I THANK ALL OF YOU FOR YOUR PARTICIPATION. WITHOUT YOU WE WOULD NOT HAVE A REASON TO BE HERE.
Click to View The Campfire Awards
You can help this site stay alive by donating, thank you.
Undertakers have announced that when Michael Jackson dies,he will be melted down to make plastic toys,so kids can play with him for a change.
"LEAVE NO HUMAN BEHIND" LIFE
****** I hate it when I am broke and the old lady has all the cash. Yesterday some people were going around the neighborhood asking for donations for a new community swimming pool. A nice well built young lady (actually a jaw dropper LOL) came to our door and asked if I would like to donate to the pool. My wife saw me searching frantically in vain for money to give the luscious thing some cash. Not finding any I turned to her and said: "Do we have anything to donate to the pool fund?" She glared at me and said: "Sure grab a glass and give her some water. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.........
******
It's scary when you get up in the morning and start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
******
I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for men
my age, but they haven't made one called "Abs of beer." ******
God grant me the senility to forget the people I
never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference. ******
An eminent teacher and thinker once expressed his philosophy of life: "When it all boils done to the essence of truth," the philosopher said, "one must live by a dog's rule of life": "If you can't eat it or screw it...PISS ON IT!"
Not One Shred of Evidence Supports the Notion That Life is Serious.
I hope you all had a good time Tribe. See you next issue. The End
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