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April 23, 2005 I am sure a lot of you in the United States breathed a sigh of relief this past weekend knowing your government is hard at work raking in your cash :-(.
The Tax Man The Beetles
Sorry gumballs, you are illegal so be thankful you get the nice glass domed house to live in. By the way who has been stealing the coins out of the basement?
(shhhhhh...One good way to get rid of them is to sell em off. Ah...good ole gumball slave trade.)
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| I normally do taxes for several people each year but I couldn't even get mine done right. What a mucking fess. I struggled with them for two weeks because I had some special situations this year. I even called the IRS and they were a little confused on how to handle my situation LOL. I finally gave up and took them to a pro and he had to get some help from a manager and phone calls. I thought the government was making it eaiser to pick my pocket grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr........ I wonder if they are outsourcing their tax service too.
The Government has just announced a new tsunami and earthquake warning system.
I sure do love modern technology. What will they think of next? I want one of those.
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
AL GORE: I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the chickens right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road! I will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them.
GEORGE W. BUSH SR.: I don't believe we need to get the chickens across the road. I say give the road to the chickens and let them decide. The government needs to let go of strangling the chickens so they can get across the road.
SENATOR LIEBERMAN: I believe that every chicken has the right to worship their God in their own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey and no chicken should be denied the right to cross the road in their own way.
DICK CHENEY: Chickens are big-time because they have wings. They could fly if they wanted to. Chickens don't want to cross the road. They don't need help crossing the road. In fact, I'm not interested in crossing the road myself. Wait, there's oil you say .....where is this road?
RALPH NADER: Chickens are misled into believing there is a road by the evil tire makers. Chickens aren't ignorant, but our society pays tire makers to create the need for these roads and then lures chickens into believing there is an advantage to crossing them. Down with the roads, up with chickens.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it--the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by "chicken"? Could you define "chicken" please?
GEORGE BUSH JR.: I don't think I should have to answer that question because I'm not wired for sound at this time.
DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping nerve gas on the chicken.
VINNIE BARBARINO: Whut?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released XPChicken service pack 10, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook; and Henhouse Explorer is an inextricable part of XPChicken.
EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one? I didn't. I Sucked the marrow out of the bones LOL.
One day an old lady went to the doctors because she had an itch in her crotch. She told the doctor her problem and he said, "You have the crabs." She informed the doctor that it could not be the crabs because she was an eighty year old virgin. She went to another doctor and explained her problem to him. The doctor said, "You probably have the crabs." "No" she said, "I am an eighty year old virgin. " Frustrated, she went to a third doctor. She said, "Doctor can you help me? I have an itch in my crotch. Don't tell me that it is the crabs because I am an eighty year old virgin. It cannot be the crabs." The doctor said, Jump on the table and let's have a look." After examining the doctor proclaimed, "Ma'am, your right, you do not have the crabs, this cherry is so old, you have fruit flies."
TAX TIME The only thing that has not yet been taxed is the penis. This is due to the fact that - 70% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, - 13% of the time it is pissed off, - 12% of the time it is hard up, and - 5% of the time it's in the hole. It has two dependents, but they're nuts. Issues still under consideration are as follows: 1. Are there penalties for early withdrawal? 2. Do multiple partners count as a corporation? 3. Are condoms deductible as work clothes? Effective January 1, 2005, penises will be taxed according to size. The brackets are as follows: 10"-12" Luxury Tax 8"-9" Pole Tax 6"-7" Privilege Tax 4"-5" Nuisance Tax Note: Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!
Our Corn consultant not only had trouble with the revenuers on tax day when they took most of his primo crop but, he has yet to learn that they also outsourced some of the cultivation to Jamaica for a piece of the pie. I wonder if he will still be smiling when I give him the news.....
Two men were sitting at the top floor of the Empire State Building. One man says to the other.. "You know, if you jump out the window here, the force of the wind will blow you back in through the window on the 90th floor.." The other man says "fuck off, you're jokin aren't u?" The 1st man says "No, here.. I'll prove it" so he stands on the window ledge and jumps out.. and comes back in thru the 90th floor window.. The 2nd man says.. "That was just a one off" So he does it again.. and comes thru on the 90th floor.. runs back up and says "See, im telling the truth" The 2nd man says "Wow, im gonna do it then" he stands on the window ledge, jumps out and falls to his death. The barman says to the first man.. "You know, you're a asshole when you're drunk superman"
The author of this must have had a little to much himself.
GRITS & GAS Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living in West Virginia out on a farm up in the hills. Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole. Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road? He must be smart 'cause he's a college gradjyate." So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him, "Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it." The young'n tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the shit all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole.." Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree. All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite ... shooting the outhouse into the air. BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite ... spreading shit all over the farm. WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole..... Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma, are you all right??!!" As she pulls up her panties she says... "Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen!!!!
Boy the corn consultant needs to stop spending so much time in the outhouse fumes and smokin up his profit.
A young women visited her eye doctor complaining of failing eyesight. The doctor sat her in front of a standard eye chart. Doctor: "Can you read the bottom line?" Girl: "No." Doctor: "Can you read the center line?" Girl: "No." Doctor: "Can you read the large top line?" Girl: "No." Doctor (getting frustrated): "Can you even see the chart?" Girl: "No." The doctor is clearly frustrated and whips his penis out of his pants. Doctor: "Can you see this?" Girl: "Of course!" Doctor: "Well, there's your problem - you're cock-eyed!"
Do You Know Where Your Nuts Are Today?
Robot sex dolls The sex androids developed by aircraft mechanic Michael Harriman from Nuremberg have 'hearts' that beat harder during sex. They also breathe harder and have internal heaters to raise the body temperature - but their feet stay cold "just like in real life", according to Harriman. He said: "They are almost impossible to distinguish from the real thing, but I am still developing improvements and I will only be happy when what I have is better than the real thing." The dolls sold under the Andy brand name are on offer for £4,000 each for the basic model, with extra charges for adaptations like extra large breasts. WOW... interchangeable parts. Watch out ladies ha ha. Underneath the silicon skin, developed for use in medical surgery, is an electronic heart that beats faster during sex. The model can also be made to move by remote control, wiggling her hips under the bedclothes and making other suggestive movements - all at the touch of a button. Hey guys another remote for ya's. Is this a dream LOL. Harriman said his design was an improvement on the popular 'real dolls' sold in the USA. Nah, think I will stick with the tried
and true but, I can sure use this as leverage specially if they are
cheaper than the real thing LMAO
Money burnt in microwave oven A woman who hid money in microwave ended up having the cash burnt. The woman, 80, from Tongzhou district, Beijing, used microwave but forgot about the 20,000 yuan she hid in inside. The local bank exchanged most of the burnt money, but she still lost around 5000 yuan.
Nuts Will Bid on Anything WELLINGTON (Reuters) - A cigarette smoked in the dying seconds before New Zealand smoke-free laws came into effect last year is set to fetch more than NZ$7,500 ($5,400) in an Internet auction. The butt, witnessed as smoked at 11:59 p.m. on Dec. 9 by the owners of an Auckland bar, has exceeded its NZ$1 reserve price by NZ$7,574 on New Zealand-based Internet web auction site TradeMe (www.trademe.co.nz). It costs about NZ$10 to buy a packet of cigarettes in New Zealand. The successful bidder when the auction closes Thursday will also get a certificate of authenticity and a mounted display case. The partially smoked cigarette was described on the Web site as a "priceless Kiwiana collector's item." New Zealand extended its smoke-free laws on Dec. 10, 2004, to ban smoking in most indoor venues, sparking complaints from smokers and bar and cafe owners. Next time my ole lady tells me to dump my ashtray I will pull this story out and show her how I am only keeping them until I can find the right buyer LOL.
This Weeks Planter's Award
I like Georgia Boiled Peanuts but I'll pass on these LOL
The Dog's Convention Before they were allowed to enter Then came in the bitch dog The doggies got excited That's why you'll often see today,
Good Ole Religion
"Holy Shit!!!"
A young preacher was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a man who died with no family or friends. The funeral was held way back in the country and the young preacher got lost on the way. When he arrived an hour late, he saw a backhoe and crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. The workmen were eating lunch. The diligent pastor went to the open grave to find the vault lid in place, but still he poured out his heart and preached an impassioned and lengthy service. Returning to his car, the young preacher felt that he had done his duty and he would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of his tardiness. As he got into his car, he overheard one of the workers talking in a very serious voice to another worker: "You know, I been puttin' in septic tanks for 20 years, and I ain't never seen nothin' like that before. Sorta gives a whole new meanin' to the term "Holy Shit........."
A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?" he asked. "No, Father. Just a little gas," Sister Susan explained. A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight. "Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?" he asked again. "Oh no, Father. Just a little gas," she replied again. A couple of months later the priest noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent. He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, "Cute little fart."
Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe." So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen. The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe. So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?" He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."
One night, a torrential rain soaked West Virginia. The next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes. Mrs. Olson was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Lena, waiting for help to come. Lena noticed a baseball cap floating near the house, and then she saw it float far out into the front yard then float back to the house. It kept floating away from the house then back towards the house. Her curiosity got the best of her so she asked Mrs. Olson, "Do you see dat dere's a baseball cap a floatin' away from the house, den back again?" Mrs. Olson >said, "Oh yeah, dat's my husban, I tole dat jackass he wus gonna cut dat grass today come Hell or high water.
A professor from the Washington State University was doing a test on children, so he brought in a bunch of first graders then he gave each of them a lifesaver all the kids got the same colour at the same time. Red=Cherry Green=Lime Orange=Orange Yellow=Lemon Then he gave them all a honey flavored one after a while all the children couldn't figure it out so the professor gives them a hint "This is something your mommy might call your daddy" Then one little girl looked at the professor and the other children in horror then she yells "Spit them out they're assholes"
Miss Mackie answers your question about life and sex.
Last issue's questions, choices and results were: You are a middle aged woman who has parts of yourself that keep moving when the rest of you has stopped. In addition to that you are pre menopausal, your breasts sag, and you've developed a bad case of adult acne on your ass. You would like the companionship of a man and would like to date. Do you?
A. Place and ad in the newspaper: "Beer taster needed. Free samples!" Then take off your panties. 44.1% B. Become a volunteer at a men's shelter. Hold your nose and then take off your panties. 20.6% C. Buy a pair of dark sunglasses, join a support group for blind persons. Then take off your panties. 35.3%
The winner of last issue's Miss Mackie poll is "A" with 44.1% of the votes. Ah my favorite too.....A brew and a screw.
PRICELESS
I'd Like to Get In Your Shorts
The Internal Revenue Service said Thursday a record number of Americans paid their taxes online this year. The system still has a few bugs. They haven't yet figured out a way to get the shirt off your back through the telephone wire. Argus Hamilton
"What's the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? Well, for one thing, a taxidermist only takes your skin." Mark Twain
Why do women close their eyes during sex ? They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
What's the definition of a computer nerd? A man who knows 4,560 ways to have sex, but doesn't know any girls.
What's the difference between your job and your wife? Your job will still suck in 5 years!
Q: Have you heard about the new radio station in town? A: It's called WPMS... every month they give you three weeks of the blues and then one week of rag time.
Q. What do the vacuum "dirt devil" and Viagra have in common? A. They both put the power of an upright in the palm of your hand...
What do you call a quickie? No sooner spread than done
A private eye is showing Stanley movies of Mrs. Stanley in bed with other men. on the beach, at football game during halftime and all kinds of crazy places doing just about everything. After viewing all this Stanley says, “I refuse to believe it!” The private eye rather mortified says, “What --- you think I rigged the evidence?” Stanley says, “No, of course not. I just can’t believe my wife could be so much fun.”
TIME TO HEAD FOR THE NEAREST SNACK STAND AND GRAB SOME OF YOUR FAVORITE SNACKS TO MUNCH ON.
INTERMISSION TIME Take time out to join our members.
Be sure to visit great comedy sites at the end and on the home page to give the Campfire a boost. You know it's kinda like the monkeys do. I pick your fleas you pick mine :-)
Today's Flash Features Two features today If you are not returned to this spot use the bookmark menu on the left and select Kewl Flash link.
Blondes, Ya Gotta Luv em
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METALLURGIST - A man who can look at a platinum blonde and tell whether she is virgin metal or a common ore.
Joe's wife, who is blonde, came running up to him in the driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy! Joe didn't know why she was jumping for joy, but thought, what the heck and starting jumping up and down along with her. When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!" Joe said "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about." She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told Joe that she was pregnant! he was ecstatic! They had been trying for a while, so he grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!" Then, she said "Oh, honey, there's more. Joe asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, Joe Asked her how she knew. She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin- pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"
Q .. What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A .. A blonde parade.
Q .. How does a blond know if she's on her way home or on her way to work? A .. She opens her lunch box to see if there is anything in it.
Q .. What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear? A .. Data transfer.
Q .. Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back? A .. From crawling across the street when the sign said "don't walk".
A blonde is on board a small two- seater plane when suddenly the pilot dies. Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio. "Mayday, Mayday! My pilot just died!" she screams. Ground control receives her call for help and answers back: "Don't worry, madam. I'll talk you down, just do as I say. First, I need you to give me your height and position." "I'm 5 foot 2 and sitting in the front seat!"
Just When You Thought You Were Safe
Apr 20, 1:20 PM (ET) MIAMI (Reuters) - Fed up with his troublesome car, a Florida man fired five rounds from a semi-automatic pistol into the hood of the 1994 Chrysler LeBaron. "I'm putting my car out of its misery," 64-year-old John McGivney said after the incident outside an apartment building in Lauderdale-By-The-Sea, according to a police report that listed the car as "deceased." McGivney surrendered to police, was jailed on a firearms charge on Friday and released on bond a day later. He told them the car had been giving him trouble for years. "I think every guy in the universe has wanted to do it," the South Florida Sun-Sentinel on Wednesday quoted McGivney as saying. "It was worth every damn minute in that jail."
STERLING, Va. (AP) - There are bank robbers. There are cross-dressers. A suspect being sought apparently fits both descriptions. The Loudoun County Sheriff's Office said Wednesday it is looking for a robber who walked into the Washington First Bank on Tuesday, handed a note to a teller and implied he had a weapon. Investigators described the suspect as a 6-foot-3 man - wearing a flowery dress, a dark wig and white gloves. He was also carrying a purse at the time of the robbery. But the purse was empty on the way out, because despite passing a note to the teller and implying he had a weapon, the robber left without taking any cash.
Signs, Signs, Everywhere a Sign
Read My Lips
While waiting for the presidential press conference to begin, the reporter approached a man standing alone in a corner. "So," said the journalist, "have you heard the latest joke about President?" The man pinned him with a steely gaze, "Before you tell it, I must inform you that I work for the White House." "Thanks for the warning," rejoined the reporter. "I'll tell it slowly for you then."
I Know Nice Art When I See It
I like a tight rack. Eight ball in your corner pocket
Hey the moms gotta get in on the fun too :-)
Willie or won't he?
Bob and Bill were sitting in a bar, and Bob was looking really down in the dumps. "What’s the matter?" Bill asked. "I don’t get it," Bob sighed. "The dating scene is so confusing. There are so many damn people you have to please. Like this one woman, she liked me, her mom liked me, but her father hated me. Then there was this other woman, both of her parents really liked me, but SHE didn’t like me. And then there was this woman I met last night. She absolutely loved me, her parents seemed to really like me too, BUT her husband couldn’t stand me!".
gee SPOT Ladies this is for you. Use the button for the gee Spot. Sorry this has been discontinued.
MEN'S LOCKER
THIS IS THE CHIEF TALKING MEN. Man your stations and be ready to fire when you see the pink of their.........
For the Men's Locker use the button. Sorry this has been discontinued.
Today's Funny Videos Some videos can be lengthy. Please let them load or go to the next one. If you close the clip and don't return to this spot use the side menu and select "Funny Clips."
Today' Funny Audio
VISIT THE CHILI PAGE FOR SOME CLASSIC LAUGHS
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KEWL LINKS
Use your browser back button to return here or hold your shift key down when you click the link, or right click and select "open in new window." That will open the link in it's own separate page where you can just click the x and you are right back here.
Always Evolving. A brand New Campfire Feature for your enjoyment. Campfire Syndicated Kizash Flash Collection http://billthechief.kizash.com/iframe.php
The Chalk Guy, Amazing sidewalk art http://gprime.net/images/sidewalkchalkguy/
The messages below are approved by the Chief and paid for by selling a truck load of abaci to the TAX MAN.
One of the best mailing list for all your computer needs. The LINKS http://www.billthechief.com/linkssub.htm ~~~~~ Jokes updated every two weeks, say Bill The Chief sent you.
~~~~~
Two of the Tribe members have another great comedy site.
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"LEAVE NO HUMAN BEHIND" LIFE
****** Most men will admit that they fall quickly asleep after having sex. That's because they've been up half the night begging for it. ******
I'm getting into swing dancing but, not on purpose. You see some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.
******
Below is a genuine email send out to staff at an unnamed company. ------ To: All Staff Subject: Copier Please, please please please please - I am begging - keep any and all paper clips away from the copier! We have had two service calls in the last few days removing paper clips, staples and a binder clip from the innards of the copier. PLEASE be really really really really careful around the copier. Especially the document handler, which seems to suck clits like a vacuum cleaner. Thanks for your help. YOU'RE WELCOME, ANYTIME LOL
******
I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
******
My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs. She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!" "What's the matter?" I asked. "There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight." "That'll teach them!" I replied.
******
Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
Not One Shred of Evidence Supports the Notion That Life is Serious.
I hope you all had a good time Tribe. See you next issue. The End
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