I better get me a new calculator. I tried to plug
a trillion into mine and it told me to get fucked and spewed out a
bunch of 9999999999999999999999999999999999999999s
ADULT WARNING
New visitors, if you like what you see
sign up now so you don't miss
anything. The only mail you will
get is notification of any new issue.
Psychologist have come up with a
sure fire way to test male babies for homosexual tendencies. This will
help parents to prepare their children for adult life.
If your child does this then you
either have to get your milk tested or start saving money for acting
lessons. That way you can start lining him up for auditions in future
episodes of Brokeback Mountain.
There is a sequel to Brokeback Mountain coming out.
It's set in Dodge City and it's called BunSmoke.
Oh hell, while we are talking
technology I think everyone should take a quick look at how busy
billthechief.com makes your computer.
After your hands become coated with grease, your
nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least
accessible corner.
Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy
signal.
Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because
you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you
were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works
every time).
Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the
telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know
increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine
won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional
to the reach.
Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest
from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your
boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is
cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they
will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing
face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness
and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are
talking about.
Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like,
they will stop making it.
JACKSONVILLE, Fla. -- Jacksonville police want to
know how sex toys and romantic goods were stolen during a weekend
convention.
Investigators say over $1,500 worth of items were
taken from a conference room at a downtown hotel during the
Southeastern Erotic Cultural Conference.
Three women who were vendors told police that
someone took two pairs of leather and metal bondage suspension cuffs,
a 28-inch-long leather whip, bath salts, rainbow pot holders and an
electrical stimulation device.
Police say the theft happened between 6:00pm
Saturday and just after 2:00am Sunday.
The theft was discovered when a security guard found
the conference room open and a broken key in its lock.
The conference, which ended Sunday, included an
erotic art show, classes, a performance art show and a leather pride
party.
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is
Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this
way:
I am the head of the family, so call me the
"President"
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we
call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will
call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about
what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying,
so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely
soiled his diaper. So, the little boy goes to his parent's room and
finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the
nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and
sees his father in bed with the nanny screwing her brains out. He
gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his
father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own
words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, the "President" is screwing
the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are
being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope
you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest
date story ever, first date or not!!!
We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.
This just tells you how tough it is to be single
nowadays.
This was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno.
Jay went into the audience to find the most
embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.
The winner described her worst first date
experience.
There was absolutely no question as to why her tale
took the prize!
She said it was midwinter...snowing and quite
cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt
Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight).
They were strangers, after all, and truly had never
met before.
The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until
they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down
the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not
have had that extra latte.
They were about an hour away from anywhere with a
rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she
try to hold it, which she did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow
going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop
and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his
car.
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the
car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't
have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to
steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching
for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from
peeking.
All she could think about was the relief she felt
despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon
finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.
As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady
discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.
Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as
she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal.
It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new
problem due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor
of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking
so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and
in need of some assistance!"
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself
with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he
burst out laughing.
She too, got the giggles and when they finally
managed to compose themselves,
they assessed her dilemma.
Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they
also were faced with a real problem.
Both agreed it would take something hot to free her
chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had
gotten her into the predicament in the first place,
both quickly realized that there was only one way to
get her free.
So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date
proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the
Tonight Show prize hands down...
or perhaps that should be "pants down."..
And you thought your first date was embarrassing.
Jay Leno's comment ..
"This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off"
Our Corn Consultant
"This Story not Worth a Plugged
Nickel"
A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited
her gynecologist.
"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing
me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange..."
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom
in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I
looked down, the water was full of pennies."
"I see."
"That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and,
plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl."
"That night," she went on, "I went again,
plink-plink-plink, and there were dimes and this morning there were
quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!," she implored,
"I'm scared out of my wits!"
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her
shoulder.
"There, there, it's nothing to be scared about."
"You're simply going through the change of life!
I think the author of this should go
through a change of life too and head down to the neighborhood sex
change clinic and forfeit his gonads.
A Pirate walks into a bar with a giant ship wheel in
his pants he order his drink when the bartender brings the drink he
asks
"you know you have a ship wheel in your pants
right?"
The Pirate shakes his head and downs his drink and
orders a new one this time when the bartender bring him his drink he
asks
"why do you have a ship wheel in your pants?"
the Pirate replies:
" Arrrrr Matey It's drivin me nuts."
Jokes like this are enough to drive me
nuts.
A Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire
him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said.
"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Cajun says, "Dat is easy."
And proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make
nine," says the Cajun.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second
question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks
up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.
"Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth
do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree,
and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to
actually have to hire this Cajun, so he says, "All right, last
question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks
up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree
and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if
you think that represents a hundred!"
The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at
the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by
each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and
a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."
"So, when I start?"
Start right now by throwing the
person that wrote this and the Cajun to the gators.
A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting
to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started
circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The
farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his
bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.
That joke was udderly ridiculous.
What do you think, Pukes?
Hormone Hostage
Warning Guide / Table
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the
month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very
life into his own hands!
This is a handy guide that should be as common as a
driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or
significant other!!
Warning Level
If you ask this:
DANGEROUS:
What's for dinner?
SAFER:
Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST:
Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE:
Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS:
Are you wearing that?
SAFER:
Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST:
WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE:
Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS:
What are you so worked up about?
SAFER:
What did I do wrong?
SAFEST:
Here's fifty dollars
ULTRA SAFE:
Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS:
Should you be eating that?
SAFER:
You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST:
Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE:
Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS:
What did you do all day?
SAFER:
I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST:
I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE:
Here, have some more chocolate.
13 Things
PMS Stands For:
1. Pass My
Shotgun
2. Psychotic
Mood Shift
3. Perpetual
Munching Spree
4. Puffy
Mid-Section
5. People Make
me Sick
6. Provide Me
with Sweets
7. Pardon My
Sobbing
8. Pimples May
Surface
9. Pass My
Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood
Syndrome
11. Plainly;
Men Suck
12. Pack My
Stuff
13. Potential
Murder Suspect
Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is
it true they's suin' them cigarette companies fer causin' people to
git cancer?"
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suin' them fast food restaurants
fer makin' them fat an' cloggin' their arteries with all them burgers
an' fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"
"Sure is, Bubba."
"And that lady sued McDonald's for millions when she
was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"
"Yep."
"And that football player sued that university when
he gradiated and still couldn't read?"
"That's right," said the lawyer. "But why are you
asking?"
"Well, I was jus thinkin' . . . What I want to know
is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I fucked?"
More Technology in Review:
If you don't see the figures below you need
flash.
Do You Know Where
Your Nuts Are Today?
Meditating
at work can sooth the savage beast.
HOW TO TELL IF YOU NEED TO
MEDITATE AT WORK
When a co-worker comes in a little too happy singing
"good morning" to everyone and you think, "Somebody needs to slap the
shit out of her"..
You need to meditate at work.
When someone comes in and announces, "office meeting
in 5
minutes," and you think, "what the fuck do they want
now?"
You need to meditate at work.
When your computer is mysteriously turned off and
you want to say, which one of you sons of bitch turned off my
computer?"
You need to meditate at work.
When you and a co-worker are discussing something,
and a third person comes in and says, "well at my last office...," and
you want to throw a stapler at him.
You need to meditate at work.
When you hear a co-worker call your name and the
first thing that crosses your mind is, "what the hell does she want
now?" and you try to hide underneath your desk.
You need to meditate at work.
When you are asked to stay late and help do someone
else's work and the first thing that pops in your head is, "both of
y'all can kiss my ass.
You need to meditate at work.
When you're in the elevator and it stops to pick up
someone who stood for five minutes waiting for the darn thing only to
go DOWN one floor, and you say "that lazy son-of-a-bitch.
You need to meditate at work.
When you take some vacation time and come back to
find a mountain of paperwork sitting on your desk because no one else
would do it and youthink, "sorry ass mutha fuckers".
You need to meditate at work.
If you have ever thought about poisoning, choking,
punching, slapping or flattening someone's tires that you work with.
You need to meditate at work.
If you avoid saying more than hello or how are you
doing to someone because you know it's going to lead to their life
story.
You need to meditate at work.
If you know all the words that have been bleeped
out.
You need to meditate at work!
LET US ALL ASSUME THE FULL LOTUS
POSITION.
This Week's
Psychology Lesson:
Delusion: A
false, firm belief held by someone, in spite of strong evidence to the
contrary. Sort of how you find bald people who take the hair from one
of the sides of their head and comb it over the top. Then they tell
themselves and others that they aren't losing their hair.
Demented:
Mentally ill, insane. For example, someone who paints with feces and
then wonders why the public doesn't want to fund it with their tax
dollars.
What's the difference between a psychologist and a
magician?
A psychologist pulls habits out of rats!
This Weeks Planter's Award
At
least he keeps a pretty good beat to the music LOL.
A large automobile company recently bought land in
South America and built a factory. They hired several cannibals as it
was expanding quickly and couldn't find enough normal workers.
"You are all part of our team now", said the Human
Resources representative during the welcoming briefing.
"You get all the usual benefits and you can go to
the canteen on the ground floor for something to eat, but please don't
eat any of our other employees".
The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their foreman remarked,
"You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with
your work. However, one of our repair techs has
disappeared.. Do any of you know what happened to
him?"
The cannibals all shook their heads. "No".
After the foreman had left, the leader of the
cannibals said to the others,
"Which one of you idiots ate the technician?"
A hand rose hesitantly.
"You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks
we've been eating
visiting CEOs, executives, plant managers and other
high paid salary workers and no one noticed anything. But, NOOOooo,
you had to go and eat someone who actually makes the company money by
working!"
A little boy blows up his balloon and starts
flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him
to stop it as he's liable to break something. The boy continues.
"Johnny!" mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going
to break something."
He stops and eventually mom leaves for a short trip
to the store. Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one
last flick and it lands in the toilet.
Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries
gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in
time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished she looks down and
can't believe what she's seeing. Diarrhea everywhere! She's not sure
what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor.
The doctor is baffled as she describes the
situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine
everything. When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets
down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally,
he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be
and POP! The balloon explodes and diarrhea is everywhere. On him, the
walls, etc.
Doctor! Doctor! Are you alright?" she asks.
He says, "I've been in this business for over 30
years, and this is the first time I've ever seen a fart!"
(8o
Give me Some of
That Old Time Religion.
A Sunday school pupil in Utah
Liked to play with himself in his
pew. Ta-
bernacular rite
was profaned when he'd cite:
". . . Leviticus, Numbers, then
Deut--AAAHHHHHH!"
I was listening to a lady who called a radio pastor.
The pastor was a wise, grandfatherly gentleman who has that calm
reassuring voice that can melt all fear. The lady, who was obviously
crying, said, "Pastor, I was born blind, and I've been blind all my
life. I don't mind being blind but I have some well meaning friends
who tell me that if I had more faith I could be healed."
The pastor asked her, "Tell me, do you carry one of
those white canes?"
"Yes I do," she replied.
"Then the next time someone says that hit them over
the head with the cane," He said. "Then tell them, 'If you had more
faith that wouldn't hurt!'
Grandma's Boyfriend
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one
day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma
was dusting, he looked up and said,
"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now
that Grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied,
"Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my
bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel
good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my
boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was
terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture
in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV
hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he
hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma
home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom
bangin' her boyfriend."
Adam & Eve
Adam is walking down a beach, lamenting about how
lonely he is... "DAMN I'm lonely!" when suddenly the clouds part,
lightning flashes, and the voice of God booms down "ADAM..."
"Yes Lord?"
"Do you want... a woman?"
"Sure!" so suddenly, there appeared a beautiful
woman... Adam was so happy and smitten! They messed around a bit,
touching, when suddenly the primal urge overpowered them and they had
intercourse... After they were done, Eve asked Adam to go down on
her...
"Are you crazy? Not with that 'stuff' in there! Go
wash it out!" So Eve ran down into the ocean and commenced the
cleansing... Suddenly the clouds patted, lightning flashed, and the
voice of God boomed out, louder than before...
"ADAM!!!"
"Y-yes Lord?"
"How do you expect me to get that smell out of the
fish now???
A Rabbi and a priest shared a compartment on a
train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I
know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... Have
you actually ever tasted it?"
The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have,
on the odd occasion."
Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He
asked, "Your religion, too... I know you're supposed to be celibate.
But...."
The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going
to ask. I have succumbed once or twice."
There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped
around the newspaper he was reading and said,
"Better than pork, isn't it?"
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She is chatting
to St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the
most awful bloodcurdling screams.
"Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "what is
happening?"
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "It's only
someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the
wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but
carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more
bloodcurdling screams.
"Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "now what is
happening?"
"Not to worry," says St.Peter, "they are just having
their head drilled to fit the halo."
Shaking her head, the old lady says, "I can't do
this. I'm off down to hell."
"You can't go there," says St. Peter, "You'll be
raped and sodomized."
"Sure" says the old lady, "but I've already got the
holes for that!"
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly
departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was
diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity
and kept repeating, Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't
wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of
pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so
deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then
replied,
"My wife's first husband."
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala
event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage
of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom
approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem
to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just
serious by nature." "The young lady looked at his awards and
decorations and said,
"It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a
lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a
conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and
enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious
manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you
don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied,
"1955."
She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to
chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex
since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she
proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, and panting for
breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,
"Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in
his matter-of-fact voice,
"I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
Little Johnny is blowing up his balloon and starts
flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him
to stop it as he's liable to break something.
The boy continues. "Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it
off. You're going to break something." He stops and eventually Mom
leaves for a short trip to the store.
Little Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He
gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet.
His Mom comes in and while putting away the
groceries gets the urge. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time
and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished she looks down and can't
believe what she's seeing. Diarrhea everywhere! She's not sure what
this big brown thing is in the toilet, so she calls her doctor.
The doctor is baffled as she describes the
situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine
everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he
gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing.
Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it
might be and POP! The balloon explodes and diarrhea is everywhere. On
him, the walls, etc.
"Doctor! Doctor! Are you alright?" she asks.
He says, "I've been in this business for over 30
years, and this is the first time I've ever seen a fart!"
Miss Mackie is now a feature on the
main page so
you can get to her columns at any time.
PRICELESS
I'd Like to Get In
Your Shorts
Man: "Can I buy you a
whiskey?"
Lady: "No you can't,
whiskey is bad for my legs"
Man: "That's a shame,
do they swell?"
Lady: "No, they open!"
(Give her a double)
LITTLE SALLY: Mommy, I
just found out that our neighbor's son has a penis like a peanut!
MOM: You mean it's
small?
LITTLE SALLY: No it's
salty!!!
I just got an email from a Japanese company
promising "Better Erections".
Turns out they're selling voting machines.
The National Transportation Safety Board is
recommending that airlines weigh the passengers as they get on to make
sure flights are not too heavy.
That's when you know our nation is getting too
heavy. When our big butts are capable of making jet aircrafts fall
from the sky.
You thought it was embarrassing when they slap that
weight limit exceeded' sticker on your luggage! Wait until they're
putting them on your ass!
Jay Leno
The most recent survey on women showed that 10
percent of the men interviewed liked women with thin legs. Another 15
percent preferred muscular legs. The rest liked
something in between.
Dick Cheney: "Hello,
Texas Rangers, this is Dick Cheney . . . I just shot a lawyer!"
Texas Rangers: "Sorry,
Mr Cheney, but this is the weekend. All state offices are closed. You
won't be able to collect the bounty until Monday."
Q: What's the
difference between a penis and a prick?
A: A penis is fun, sexy
and satisfying.....
A prick is the guy who owns it.
Lecturing a class of coeds on the anatomical
intricacies of the male reproductive organ, the exasperated professor
finally declared,
"I don't know why you girls can't grasp this
subject. You've had it pounded into you all semester."
(8o
How many perverts does it take to put in a light
bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to
get it out.
IN THE NEWS
OSLO, Norway (AP) -- It almost seemed like a miracle
to Haldis Gundersen when she turned on her kitchen faucet this weekend
and found the water had turned into beer.
Two flights down, employees and customers at the Big
Tower Bar were horrified when water poured out of the beer taps.
By an improbable feat of clumsy plumbing, someone at
the bar in Kristiandsund, western Norway, had accidentally hooked the
beer hoses to the water pipes for Gundersen's apartment.
"We had settled down for a cozy Saturday evening,
had a nice dinner, and I was just going to clean up a little,"
Gundersen, 50, told The Associated Press by telephone Monday. "I
turned on the kitchen faucet and beer came out."
However, Gundersen said the beer was flat and not
tempting, even in a country where a half-liter (pint) can cost about
25 kroner ($3.75) in grocery stores.
Per Egil Myrvang, of the local beer distributor,
said he helped bartenders reconnect the pipes by telephone.
"The water and beer pipes do touch each other, but
you have to be really creative to connect them together," he told
local newspapers.
Gundersen joked about having the pub send up free
beer for her next party.
"But maybe it would be easier if they just invited
me down for a beer," she said.
Now this is what you literally
call "Drinks on the house."
I need to take care of one of my
special computer customers. Go grab a cold one and meet me back here.
Don't wait on me though because my customer may need to have a hard
drive inserted into her box.
Be sure
to visit great comedy sites at the end and on the
home page to give the
Campfire a boost. You know it's kinda like apes do. I pick your fleas
and you pick mine.
"Hey John, that sure is a spiffy looking outfit you
have on. Lime colored trousers, puffed sleeves, lavender shirt, a puce
ascot etc. Who dressed you, Richard Simmons?"
"Oh, my wife, that ditzy blonde!!!," John replies.
"Your wife?" queries the first guy.
"Yea. I saw an ad in the paper for Cox's Men's
Store. They were having a great sale on seersucker suits. So I told
her, go to Cox's and buy me one of those seersucker suits. So what
does she do?
She goes to Sears and buys me cocksucker suit."
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super
Wal-Mart Shopping Center and slightly rolled down the car windows to
make sure my Collie Pup had fresh air.
He was stretched full-out on the back seat and I
wanted to impress upon him that he must remain there. I walked to the
curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
"Now you stay. Do you hear me?"
"Stay! Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young
lady, gave me a strange look and said,
"Why don't you just put it in park?"
Jack's Phone Number
Blonde Caller: "Can you
give me the telephone number for Jack?" Operator: "I'm sorry, I don't
understand who you are talking about". Blond Caller: "On page 1
section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug
the fax machine from the AC Wall Socket and Telephone Jack before
cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Decker wasn't the brightest guy in the world, and
his coworkers were continually ribbing him at the factory. One in
particular, Gus, would greet him each morning and precipitate this
exchange:
"Say, Decker, you seen Ben?"
"Ben, who?"
"Ben' down and kiss my ass!"
Tired of falling for the same joke day after day,
Decker confided in his more worldly brother, who said, "Listen. Next
time you see this guy, ask him if he's seen Eileen. He'll ask, 'Eileen
who?' and you say, 'I lean over and you kiss my ass!'"
Memorizing his lines, Decker went to the work early
to wait for Gus. As soon as the bully arrived, Decker ran over.
"Hey Gus, you seen Eileen?"
"No," Gus answered, "she ran off with Ben."
Decker frowned. "Ben who?"
Yep, you guessed it. Decker was
blonde.
How can you tell whether or not a blonde owns a
vibrator?
She has chipped teeth.
A Blonde Easter
Three blondes went to Heaven on the same day and
showed up at the pearly gates. St. Peter looked them over and said,
"Well, before you can enter the gates, you have to answer one simple
question to show you know something about why you're here."
The first blonde stepped up to the gates and St.
Peter said, "Now, explain to me, what is Easter"?
The woman replied, "Oh, that's easy. That's the
holiday in November when everybody gets together to give thanks and
eats turkey and..."
"Wrong," replied St. Peter, "You'll have to wait."
He turned to the second blonde and said, "What is
Easter"?
The second blonde replied, "I know, Easter is about
Jesus. In December, when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents and
celebrate His birthday."
St. Peter shook his head in disgust at the second
woman and sighed. He turned to the third blonde and said, "You look a
little smarter than the other two. Now, what is Easter"?
The third blonde smiled and said, "I know what
Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that takes place in the
Spring. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and He
was deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples.
Then the Romans took Him to be crucified and stabbed Him in the side,
made Him wear a crown of thorns, and crucified Him. He died and was
buried in a cave sealed off by a large boulder."
St. Peter smiled and nodded.
The blonde continued, "And every year the boulder is
moved aside so that Jesus can come out and if He sees His shadow,
there will be six more weeks of winter."
Turn off the Jukebox using the
controls to hear the Flash. You can start the songs back up by when
you return.
Use the back button to return here.
(8o
Just When You
Thought You Were Safe
Protesters assault officials with
manure
Monday, March 13, 2006 - Bangor Daily News
ELLSWORTH - Two masked protesters disrupted an
informational meeting Saturday at City Hall and attacked two state
agriculture officials with cow manure. No one was seriously injured,
and the pair of assailants escaped.
State veterinarian Dr. Don Hoenig and Shelley Doak,
director of animal industry for the Maine Department of Agriculture,
were winding up a meeting with local farmers when the attack occurred.
The two protesters entered the upstairs auditorium
at City Hall dressed in black, wearing caricature masks and carrying
"manure pies," a mixture of manure and wood shavings in aluminum pie
tins.
They threw the manure at the two officials with
enough force that the spray also struck several of the attendees,
including a reporter for a weekly paper, and spattered against walls.
The two left the auditorium and escaped through the
front door of City Hall, pursued by at least one of the meeting
organizers. They fled through the City Hall parking lot toward Main
Street and then disappeared.
The meeting had been arranged to discuss proposed
legislation that would authorize the state's agriculture department to
develop rules for a livestock identification and tracking program.
Although the discussion had been sometimes heated
during the session, it had been, for the most part, civil, until then.
Meeting organizers were upset with the attack and
feared that it might undo the good the conversation had achieved.
Organizer Lore Lipvich of Mariaville said she was appalled by the
action.
"We're trying to work this through so everybody
benefits," Lipvich said. "This is not the message we were trying to
send."
The attack ended the meeting, but Doak and Hoenig
remained for a while cleaning themselves off with paper towels and
continued to discuss the identification issue with farmers.
Hoenig said he would insist on a police presence for
future meetings on this issue.
Police searched the area but were not able to find
the attackers. While some witnesses thought the manure came from a
horse, the police report referred to the substance as cow manure.
The case remains under investigation.
Texas Trooper
Two men were driving through Texas when they got
pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up and taps his
nightstick on the window. The driver rolls down the window and
"WHACK," the cop smacks him in the head with his nightstick.
"What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.
"You're in Texas, son," the trooper answered. "When
we pull you over in Texas, you better have your license ready by the
time we get to your car."
"I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm not from
around here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's
clean and gives the guy his license back. The trooper then walks
around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger
rolls down the window and "WHACK," the trooper smacks him on the head
with the nightstick.
"What did you do that for?" the passenger demands.
"Just making your wish come true," replied the
trooper.
"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.
"Because I know your type," the trooper says, "two
miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish
that asshole would've tried that shit with me!' "
Signs, Signs,
Everywhere a Sign
DON'T BE WITHOUT ONE!
The self-styled seducer from Texas
Thought he'd score more hot babes
with a Lexus.
All he got was a slap,
Plus a fierce dose of clap
And two painful swift kicks to
the plexus.
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has
screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was
considered an occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the
first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be
able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper
about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who
knows sign language. The Godfather asks the bookkeeper:
"Where is the $10 million bucks you embezzled from
me?"
The attorney, using sign language, asks the
bookkeeper where the $10 million dollars is hidden.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you
are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he
doesn't know what you're talking about."
That's when the Godfather ! pulls out a 9 mm pistol,
puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him
again!"
The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you
for sure if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money
is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's
backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he
say?"
The attorney replies:
"He says you don't have the balls
to pull the trigger."
I Know Nice Art
When I See It
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like
he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is
broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He
couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended
yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy... "Mrs. O'Conner's breast,
and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
gee SPOT
Ladies this is for you.
Use the button for the gee Spot.
Adult Content.
Sorry this has been discontinued.
MEN'S LOCKER
THIS IS THE CHIEF
TALKING MEN.
Man your stations and
be ready to fire when you see the pink of their.........
For the Men's Locker
use the button.
Adult Content.
Sorry this has been discontinued.
Turn off the Jukebox using the
controls to hear the features below. You can start the songs back up
by when you return.
One Thursday Anne says, "There's this thing, when I
go down on my John, his balls are always cold." "Funny you should say
that", says Mary. "my Franks balls are always cold too".
"EWWWWWWWWWW" says Nancy,
"that's disgusting. How can you both do that?"
So her friends tell Nancy that the blow job is the
best way to keep her man from straying. The following Thursday Anne
and Mary are in the restaurant waiting for their friend to arrive. In
walks Nancy with a huge black eye.
"What the heck happened to you"? ask her two
friends.
"Mike hit me". came the reply. Why? ask the girls.
"I don't know", says Nancy,
"I was giving him the blow job like you told me to
and all I said was your balls aren't cold like Frank and Johns!"
******
Discovery Channel
A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special
about an African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When males reach a certain age, a string is tied
around the penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the
weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of
the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, "How about we try
the African string-and-weight procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight
to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How
is our little tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he
replied.
"Wow, you've grown to 12 inches??"
"No...it's turned black."
******
An army Major visiting the sick soldiers, went to
one private and asked, "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic
syphilis, Sir." "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with
the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the
front, Sir." "Good man," said the Major.
He went to the next bed, "What's your problem,
Soldier?" "Chronic piles, Sir." "What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir." "Good man," barked the Major.
He moved to the next bed, "What's your problem,
Soldier?" "Chronic gum disease, Sir" "What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?"
"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir!"
******
******
"LEAVE NO HUMAN BEHIND"
LIFE
******
My wife left me...
I don't understand. After the last child left the
nest and we were looking at retirement, she told me we had to cut back
on expenses, I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker
maybe a 12 pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the
other day she came home from grocery shopping and when I looked at the
receipt and saw $45 in makeup. I said, "Wait a minute I've given up
beer and you haven't given up anything!"
She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look
pretty for you."
I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"
I don't think she is going to
come back.
******
Maharishi Phucknuckel's Guide to
Zen
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not
walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either,
just fuck off and leave me alone.
The journey of a thousand miles
begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if
you're going to steal your neighbor's milk and newspaper, that's the
time to do it.
Sex is like air. It only becomes
really important when you aren't getting any.
Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't
be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Remember, no-one is listening until
you fart.
Never forget that you are unique, like everyone
else.
Never test the depth of the water
with both feet.
If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or
alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
Before you judge someone, you should
walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a
mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.
Give a man a fish and he will eat
for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink
beer all day.
Have you ever lent someone $20 and never seen that
person again? It was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth, you don't
have to remember anything.
Some days we are the flies; some days we are the
windscreen.
Don't worry; it only seems kinky the
first time.
Good judgment comes from experience, experience
comes from bad judgment.
The quickest way to double
your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
There are two theories about how to
win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your
lips are moving.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Experience is something you don't get until just
after you need it.
When we are born we are naked, wet,
hungry, and we get smacked on our ass. From there on in, life gets
worse.
The most wasted day of all is one in which we have
not laughed.
Remember not to forget that which
you do not need to know.
******
Tom DeLay gets to collect over a million dollars in
congressional pension money.
That's what is great about Congress!
It's the only place in the world where the robbers
get to keep the money.
Jay Leno
******
Neologisms
Once again, The Washington Post has published the
winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers
are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the
person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted
(adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to
give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to
attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.),
impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.),
describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in
your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk
with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.),
olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.)
emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a
steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a
rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a
humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the
formal, dignified bearing adopted by Proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a
Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a
person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism
(n.), (back by popular demand): The belief
that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof
and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an
opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked
readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
