Bill The Chief Campfire Comedy
April 18, 2004 Let this site load and maximize please. AOL CACHES SITES YOU VISIT. Click the refresh button if you see a page over a week old.
Hey that's Pablo Picasso's work. Look who's talking anyway. Who are you fugitives from a handkerchief trying to impress with the berets?
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KEWL FLASH This Weeks Funny Videos Popcorn, soda, blunts, and rubbers not included. People Please, It has come to my attention that the rubber machine in both johns has been broken into several times. Someone has been blowing them up and making balloon bunnies. Easter is over so give me a break.
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If laughs are what you seek, Split right now, take a leak
CAUSE IT'S
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Damn I hate this time of the year. I just had to drain the last pennies in my bank account to try to satisfy the blood suckers at the IRS. I told them that I could not pay it all or pay for last years taxes either. I explained that I had to use all my money to fill up my tank on my Ford Escort. You think they would understand? I got this in the mail and to tell you the truth I was hoping all you kind people out there would help by sending in your donations.
You know I could swear you guys have a faint Mexican accent. I want to see all the green cards right now!!!!
Internal Revenue Service Department of the Treasury Washington, DC 20001 Enclosed is my 2003 Form 1040, together with payment. Please take note of the attached article from USA Today archives. In the article, you will note that the Pentagon paid $171.50 each for hammers and NASA paid $600.00 each for toilet seats. Please find enclosed in this package four toilet seats (value $2,400.00) and six hammers (value $1,029.00). This is in payment for my total tax due of $3,429.00. Out of a sense of patriotic duty, and to assist in the political purification of our government, I am also enclosing a 1.5 inch Phillips head screw, for which HUD duly recorded and approved a purchase value of $22.00, as my contribution to fulfill the Presidential Election Fund option on Form 1040. It has been a pleasure to pay my taxes this year, and I look forward to paying them again next year in accordance with officially established government values. Sincerely, Another satisfied taxpayer Janette White LMAO ~~~~(8oD
This looks like some of my Dad's stuff but he didn't leave me with any of this COOL STUFF. Nah he had it sold in and estate sale to pay for the funeral and my brother bought it all up before I got there.
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A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, Anytime you're ready, Father of Four." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am sorry about the shortage on premium rotten corn. You guys have picked it over pretty darn good. I am proud of you too because we made sure that the IRS only gets the bottom of the wagon. I just want to let you know though that you need to hide those store bought teeth or they will take them too.
This Weeks Government Surplus Crap, er Crop. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother taught her son to go to the bathroom by the numbers. "1. Open your fly. 2. Take out your equipment. 3. Pull back the skin 4. Do your business. 5. Let the skin forward. 6. Stow your equipment. 7. Close your fly." She checked on him often to make sure he had learned his lesson, and each time heard him through the outhouse door saying, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. 7." She was pleased with his progress until that day when she passed the bathroom door and heard, "3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5."
I wonder if this author was writing about himself. Surely anyone that would write this crap never was educated enough to count correctly. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A duck walks into a bar, steps up to the bartender and says, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, mystified, replies, "No, of course we don't got any grapes, Mac. This is a bar." The duck, without missing a beat, tips his hat and leaves. The next day, the duck again enters the same bar, waddles up and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, feeling not just a little annoyed, responds, "I told you yesterday, we ain't got any grapes. What does this look like, a grocery store?!" Undaunted, the duck leaves. The next day, the duck is again seen entering this same bar. He again walks up and again asks, "Got any grapes?" By this time, the bartender is REALLY pissed off. He bends over and growls, "Look, duck, I told you, we ain't got no grapes! And if you EVER come in here again asking for grapes, I'M GONNA NAIL YOUR FEET TO THE FLOOR!!!" Unperturbed, the duck saunters out. The next day, the duck again returns, and again waddles up the bar. He asks, "Got any nails?" The bartender, perplexed, replies, "No, of course I ain't got no nails." "Good, "the duck replies, "GOT ANY GRAPES?"
You know I think this poor duck was misunderstood. He probably just wanted a bottle of wine. You know, pass me the grapes? Some people just don't understand animals. This bartender most likely was one of them.
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Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform well went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Zeb's time; so, Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell, from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning, Zeb noticed that Brewster's bell had not rung at all!! Zeb went to investigate. All the other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a- ringing! The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. BUT, to Zeb's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation. The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Piece Prize but also the Pullet Surprise.
This author sure knows his eggs. He lays enough of them. OK slime balls do what you're paid for. What do you think of this garbage.
You guys are getting fat. Have you been raiding the chicken coop?
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Do you know where your nuts are?
A man is strolling past the
mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting. Unfortunately, his watch has
stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a
patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence. Calling out to the patient, the
man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?" The patient calls back, "One
moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short
stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling
out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical. With a compass, the patient
locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of
the shadow cast by the stick. Withdrawing a slide rule from
his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up
all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now
precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it
is." The man can't help but be
impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly. Before he leaves, he says to
the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do
you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no
shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd
just look at my watch." ~~~~(8oD ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years. The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump. The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms. Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs. The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor. To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
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I've been
feeling down for so long that I finally decided to go see my shrink
She asked me a
few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a
few minutes with a puzzled look on her face. I hate when this kind of shit happens.
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There is a new sport at the summer Olympics. I would like to introduce you too our proud athletes that are going to compete in the "LOW BAR" competition It will be tough to beat our Aussie friends though because this is a traditional "Down Under" sport.. Let's give our youngsters a nice send off with a cheer. USA! USA! USA!
There once was a young Hindu gent who said to a lass as he went: "though I'm of lower caste you're a fine piece of ass
and you my dear must pay the rent"
A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for social security. After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and comeback later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," & she processed his social security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have gotten disability too
An
attractive woman turned to the man in the business suit behind her
in the elevator. "Excuse me," she asked, "but are you Donald Trump?"
LOL
Two nuns were riding a two person bike down a road. The head nun was in the front and the nun in training was in the back. When they went over a bump, the first nun heard the nun in training moan then giggle. "Are you okay?" asked the head nun. "Fine." And they continued. Then they went over another bump and the nun in training moaned and giggled again. "Are you sure you're okay? Is there a problem with your seat?" And the nun in training replied; "What seat?"
An embarrassed young woman was farting
uncontrollably when her date was due to arrive. She was an
accomplished pianist so to drown the noise she offered the play the
Storm Scene from the William Tell Overture. LOL . | |||
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THE RED, THE WHITE, THE BLUE
WOW I was looking at some of the new shareware programs out there and found one called Homeland Security Threat Monitor. The Homeland Security Threat Monitor runs in your Windows system tray and displays the current color-coded terrorism threat level, as determined by the U.S. Department of Homeland Security. Now isn't that just exactly what we need? A governmental mood ring for a PC.
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* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Bush approved of a new method of testing ready-to-eat meat for the potentially lethal Listeria bacteria found in factories. According to the legislation, ready-to-eat meat will have to pass standardized tests as part of Bush's "leave no hot dog behind," campaign.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * The late Takuji Yamashita will be admitted to the bar posthumously, almost a century after being denied based on his race in 1902. The only other dead person in the United States practicing law is Senator Strom Thurmond.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * There once was a gal named Lewinsky Who played on a flute like Stravinsky 'Twas "Hail to the Chief" On this flute made of beef That stole the front page from Kaczynski.
El Nino storms are affecting trade with Asian countries. A freighter bound for Long Beach Calif. with a cargo of yo-yos got caught in a particularly violent storm. It sank 65 times.
Scientists at Rutgers University have released a study identifying the three phases of love. They are: lust, attraction and subpoena.
Fortean Times reports that a British supermarket worker's underwear spontaneously combusted. Luckily it was edible underwear, so the clerk ended up with cherries jubilee.
AT&T announced last week it will lay off up to 8,000 employees. Ever conscious of its image, the company is promoting the layoffs as a new feature called job forwarding. LOL
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Blondes, Ya gotta luv em.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE BRIDE Just a few days after the wedding, the two blissful newlyweds switch off the lights and crawl under the sheets. Turning amorously towards his new blonde bride, he tenderly informs her that tonight he wants a hand job instead of the full deal. She, still being very naive not to mention blonde, had not a clue what a "hand job" was. So, she climbs out of bed, puts on her robe and heads for the phone to call mom. "Mom," she says, "my new hubby wants a hand job and I don't know what he means?" "Oh, Honey," says her mother, "that's real simple. Just grab his thing, and shake it like you were trying to get ketchup out of a bottle." "Gee, Mom, that's easy enough," she replies. So she hangs up the phone, goes back to the bedroom, removes her robe and crawls back into the sack. She snuggles up to her husband, grabs his thing firmly with one hand and starts pounding the head with the other. ouch LOL ~~~~(8oD
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Once upon a time, there was a blonde who had six young boys, all of whom she named 'Jimmy'. One day, her aunt asked, "Why did you name all of these boys 'Jimmy'?" The blonde said, "So I can keep track of 'em." The aunt gave her a wild look. "So you can keep track of 'em? How the heck can you do that when they're all named 'Jimmy'?" The blonde looked at her aunt, shrugged and said, "No problem, I just call them by their last names."
JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE ALL CUDDLY AND SAFE
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
The Los Angeles Board of Education has OK'd a plan to equip school police cars with guns. The plan works on a tier system: Police at elementary schools will carry supersoakers, junior high patrols will carry paint guns, and shotguns will be used at high schools.
BORDEAUX, France (Reuters) - A
French judge was placed under official investigation for "sexual
exposure" in a courtroom, prosecutors said, after a newspaper
reported the judge masturbated while a lawyer pleaded her case. (All
rise, the honorable Pepe Le Pieu presiding...)
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If you call me it is a sure bet that i am getting my winkie wet I can't pick up the phone while she's down on my bone but she will soon give me head set!
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Three kids were sitting on a front porch one day after school. The first one looked down into a driveway and saw a bright red Corvette. "Some day I'm gonna be a lawyer so I can buy me one of those Corvettes," he said. The second kid looked over at the driveway next to the Corvette and saw a brand new Ferrarri. "I'm gonna be a doctor," he said, "so I can get me a fast Ferrarri." The third kid looked over at the other two and replied, "I'm gonna learn how to suck dick when I grow up." The other two's jaws dropped. "That's what my sister does, and she owns both of those cars."
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Bad case of the crabs LOL
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 Anyone for some Hiney?
Something to think about.
If a bra is an upper topper titty flopper stopper, and a jock strap
is a lower decker pecker checker, and a roll of toilet tissue is a
super duper doody pooper scooper,
Pet his buns for the gee SPOT
This section has been discontinued.
THIS IS THE CHIEF TALKING MEN. Man your stations and be ready to fire when you see the pink of their.........
REACH OVER AND GIVE THAT BOOTY A PAT FOR THE MEN'S LOCKER This section has been discontinued.
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TODAY'S CLEAN CARTOON Use the browser back to return here.
LINKS Use you browser back button to return here or hold your shift key down when you click the link or right click and open in new window. That will open the link in it's own separate page and you can just click the x and you are right back here. LOL tell the chicken what you want. Hillarious look at building your own computer. Good one for the novices too. Cool fight, Long film clip so be prepared for a wait. Really Cool Seinfeld and Superman site. Check it out.
Always look below here :-) to the end.
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