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River of Dreams
by
Billy Joel
Please support the artist
Nah I have a problem with sleep walking and sometimes end up there by mistake. By the way you guys might be in for a little raise soon so shhhh.
Hey Little Creeps, if the money don't shut you up I have someone that will.
Take care of my light work Missy.
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Popcorn, soda, and
midnight prophylactics not included.
If
laughs are what you seek,
Split
right now, take a leak
CAUSE IT'S
Ah summer is here and the time is right for watching hard bodies on the beach. The bathing suits seem to be getting skimpier and skimpier each summer. Sometimes I wonder why they bother wearing one at all.
Don't you just love it though?
(8o
Piss Off Biatch!
There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this. You got to love the way this old guy handled it.
An older man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said,
"Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said,
"You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked,
"Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
The doctor's office erupted in laughter.
One day about a month ago, the President of the US was looking for a call girl.
He found three such girls in a local lounge, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.
To the blonde he said,
"I am the President of the United States.
Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?"
She replied, $200."
To the brunette he asked the same question. Her reply was $100.
He then asked the redhead. Her reply was,
"Mr. President, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my panties as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times, and keep it rising like the gas prices, keep me warmer than it is in my apartment and screw me the way you do the public, then believe me, Mr. President,
it isn't going to cost you a damn cent."
Missy has had a tiring day at the office and is now on her way home. She gets on the train at Penn station and, as usual, is dismayed to find it packed. Everyone is squashed together like sardines.
But this time, things get worse.
During the next 10 minutes, she becomes more and more aware of the man standing behind her - so much so that when the train reaches the first stop, she turns to him and without attracting other passengers' attention, says,
"I can feel something hard rubbing against my backside. Please remove it."
The man quietly replies,
"There's no need to get panicky. I got paid today and what you feel is a roll of $50 bills in my pocket."
Jill replies,
"So are you telling me that between Penn Station and this first stop, your salary doubled?"
Our Corn Consultant is seeing the fruits of his labor go up in smoke. There has been so little rain some of his crops are drying up. Rather than waste them he decided to pick some and smoke it early. So today's crop is not what you call primo shit. Maybe he should invite us all to a controlled field burning.
A man went into a clothing store and asked "Can I have a pair of wooden pants?"
he tried them on. he didn’t like them because they gave slivers.
So he asked the lady
"Do you have any steel pants."
The lady gave him steel pants.
He didn’t like them because in the summer it will make him hot and in the winter it will make me cold.
The man took them off and asked
"can I have some glass pants?"
The lady handed him glass pants.
He came out to see how he looked and the lady said
"When you asked for the wooden pants I thought you were weird.
When you asked for the steel pants I thought you were crazy
but when you asked for the glass
I could clearly see your nuts!"
See I told you this was not going to be a primo crop.
The person that wrote this needs some rubber pants. So the shit can bounce back on them and spare us the agony.
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big bowl of oatmeal," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy, "but why have you only ordered beer all evening?"
The third piggy says
"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"
Quick someone give the author of this joke a couple of buckets of beer so he can piss off and go home.
If this crap gets any worse I just might take up drinking.
What do you little pukes think of this crop?
Doctor Backs Picking Your Nose And Eating It
Picking your nose and eating it is one of the best ways to stay healthy, according to a top Austrian doctor.
Innsbruck-based lung specialist Prof Dr Friedrich Bischinger said people who pick their noses with their fingers were healthy, happier and probably better in tune with their bodies.
He says society should adopt a new approach to nose-picking and encourage children to take it up.
Dr Bischinger said: "With the finger you can get to places you just can't reach with a handkerchief, keeping your nose far cleaner.
"And eating the dry remains of what you pull out is a great way of strengthening the body's immune system.
"Medically it makes great sense and is a perfectly natural thing to do. In terms of the immune system the nose is a filter in which a great deal of bacteria are collected, and when this mixture arrives in the intestines it works just like a medicine.
"Modern medicine is constantly trying to do the same thing through far more complicated methods, people who pick their nose and eat it get a natural boost to their immune system for free."
He pointed out that children happily pick their noses, yet by the time they have become adults they have stopped under pressure from a society that has branded it disgusting and anti social.
He said: "I would recommend a new approach where children are encouraged to pick their nose. It is a completely natural response and medically a good idea as well."
And he pointed out that if anyone was really worried about what their neighbor was thinking, they could still enjoy picking their nose in private if they still wanted to get the benefits it offered.
Do You Know Where Your Nuts Are Today?
This week's
psychology lesson:
Dementia: Loss or serious impairment of mental powers. The most common form of dementia is the type that is induced by binge-drinking. Fortunately, most alcohol-induced acts of stupidity, by way of dementia, aren't recalled by the person the next day. Unfortunately, he will often be reminded by a friend or by the police officer knocking at his door.
They live and walk among us.
Nuts in the Neighborhood:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the "Deer Crossing" sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer were being hit by cars," and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.
This one was from Kingman, KS.
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
And he was a Kansas City chef!
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham, Ala.
The stoplight on the corner buzzes, when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on Earth are blind people doing driving?"
She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a 'bunch at Texas Instruments.
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself, and for the life of her, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office, no less.
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle, and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know, I already got that side."
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi.
And they walk among us ... and REPRODUCE...
One day I went hunting with a friend of mine. He wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed, however he was a good shot. You could always count on him to hit the target
Well this one day we had walked and walked for a long time not seeing the signs of any game.
Then just as I was beginning to think all was lost for the day we crested a hill and spotted this beautiful woman sitting on a rock.
Considering we hadn't seen a thing to shoot at, and being totally aroused by her beauty.....I asked her if she was game.
She said YES!
My hunting partner SHOT her
Needless to say we don't hunt together anymore.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
This Weeks Planter's Award
A Native American walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee".
The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up". He gets the Native American a tall mug of coffee, and the Native American drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.
The next morning the Native American returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee". The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto. Were still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was that all about, anyway?"
The Native American smiles and proudly says, "Me in training for upper management. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the shit, and disappear for the rest of the day
(8o
Good Ole Religion
There was a young woman from Crewe
Who said as the Bishop withdrew
The Vicar is slicker
and quicker and thicker
and 12 inches longer than you
Husband: "But you're suppose to love me no matter what."
Wife: "Gee, you must have me confused with Jesus."
Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:
It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!
The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said: "This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."
Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left...... It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Woman'
Close-to-complete Ideology and Religion Shit List
Taoism: Shit happens.
Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens."
Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
Zen Buddhism: Shit is, and is not.
Zen Buddhism #2: What is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Islam #2: If shit happens, kill the person responsible.
Islam #3: If shit happens, blame Israel.
Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.
Presbyterian: This shit was bound to happen.
Episcopalian: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.
Methodist: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it.
Congregationalist: Shit that happens to one person is just as good as shit that happens to another.
Unitarian: Shit that happens to one person is just as bad as shit that happens to another.
Lutheran: If shit happens, don't talk about it.
Fundamentalism: If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen!)
Fundamentalism #2: If shit happens to a televangelist, it's okay.
Fundamentalism #3: Shit must be born again.
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work.
Seventh Day Adventism: No shit shall happen on Saturday.
Creationism: God made all shit.
Secular Humanism: Shit evolves.
Christian Science: When shit happens, don't call a doctor - pray!
Christian Science #2: Shit happening is all in your mind.
Unitarianism: Come let us reason together about this shit.
Quakers: Let us not fight over this shit.
Utopianism: This shit does not stink.
Darwinism: This shit was once food.
Capitalism: That's MY shit.
Communism: It's everybody's shit.
Feminism: Men are shit.
Chauvinism: We may be shit, but you can't live without us...
Commercialism: Let's package this shit.
Impressionism: From a distance, shit looks like a garden.
Idolism: Let's bronze this shit.
Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit IS.
Existentialism #2: What is shit, anyway?
Stoicism: This shit is good for me.
Hedonism: There is nothing like a good shit happening!
Mormonism: God sent us this shit.
Mormonism #2: This shit is going to happen again.
Wiccan: An it harm none, let shit happen.
Scientology: If shit happens, see "Dianetics", p.157.
Jehovah's Witnesses #2: May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our shit?
Jehovah's Witnesses #3: Shit has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall survive its happening.
Moonies: Only really happy shit happens.
Hare Krishna: Shit happens, rama rama.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!
Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half on the time.
Church of SubGenius: BoB shits.
Practical: Deal with shit one day at a time.
Agnostic: Shit might have happened; then again, maybe not.
Agnostic #2: Did someone shit?
Agnostic #3: What is this shit?
Satanism: SNEPPAH TIHS.
Atheism: What shit?
Atheism #2: I can't believe this shit!
Nihilism: No shit
And of course we must add...Alcoholics Anonymous: Shit happens-one day at a time!
I think it's all a bunch of doo doo.
A drunken man who reeked of alcohol sat across on subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his top coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," then returned to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father, I was just reading here that the Pope does."
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.
He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.
She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."
"No, I wouldn't," he said.
She said, "I sell tampons."
With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"
For Wad It's Worth
An accountant gets home late one night and his wife says,
Where the hell have you been?"
He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill on his penis?"
Well, one, I like to watch my money grow," he began!
Two, once in a while, I like to play with my money!
Three, I like how money feels in my hand!
And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!!!
(8o
Passing on a few summertime tips.
1. Keep your dentures, hip brace, diapers, and wig in the freezer when not in use.
2. Heat is a manifestation of infrared radiation, the low-frequency part of the electromagnetic spectrum that is emitted by aliens. To prevent exposure to these Venusian mind-control waves, wrap head in tinfoil.
3. If you leave pets in the car with the windows rolled up, be sure to stop by the parking lot every 30 minutes or so to baste them.
Okra News by Miss Mackie
The Miss Mackie
column is for entertainment purposes only. In no way does the author
claim to offer any sane advice. Any reader who actually follows Miss
Mackie's advice shall be legally deemed a dumb ass.
Miss Mackie is on vacation and will return next issue.
PRICELESS
I'd Like to Get In Your Shorts
First young woman: "Did anything exciting happen with your blind date last night?"
Second woman: "Yeah, his guide dog bit me.
Getting old is soooo hard at times.
Yesterday I got My Preparation 'H' mixed up with Poli-Grip.
Now, I walk funny, but - my gums don't itch!
Joan says to her husband. “ I’d like my cousin Joe to visit one weekend and paint a picture of us making love.” He is an artist you know.
Her husband says; “Oh, does he do still life?”
Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A: Beat it - we're closed.
Q. What do you call a man with no arms or legs that can swim across a pool?
A. Clever Dick
Q. Why did the leper crash his car?
A. He left his foot on the accelerator.
Q. Why did the ref call a penalty during the Leper Hockey game?
A. Because there was a face off in the corner.
Q. What do you do if you come upon a tiger in the jungle?
A. Wipe him off, apologize and RUN!
(8o
IN THE NEWS
Berlusconi's fat becomes soap
A bar of soap reportedly made from fat pumped from Italian PM Silvio Berlusconi has gone on display.
Artist Gianni Motti claims he made the soap made from fat from Berlusconi's liposuction operation.
It is part of an art exhibition in Basel, Switzerland, where anyone wishing to wash their hands with Berlusconi can buy it for £10,000.
The artist who put the soap on display, Gianni Motti, 47, claims to have acquired the fat from an employee of an elite plastic surgery clinic in Lugano in Switzerland.
Motti said: "Berlusconi had face lifting and liposuction operations in a clinic in Lugano, where I have good connections that provided me with some of the fat. It was jelly-like and it stunk horribly, like butter gone off or old chip pan oil."
According to Motti, the artwork called Mani Pulite (Clean Hands) expresses opposition to corruption and mafia structures in Italy, as well as his personal opinion of Berlusconi's policies.
He said: "I came up with the idea because soap is made of pig fat, and I thought how much more appropriate it would be if people washed their hands using a piece of Berlusconi."
I wonder how much Rove Soap on a Rope would get.
(8o
Yep it's that time to get up, stretch and haul your ass off the refrigerator for a cool one.
Be sure to visit great comedy sites at the end and
on the home page to give the Campfire a
boost. You know it's kinda like the monkeys do. I pick your fleas you
pick mine :-)
Today's Flash
Features
Two features today
If you are not returned to this
spot use the bookmark menu on the left and select Kewl Flash link.
There once was a girl from Aboritzwith
Who used to take flour to the mill to bake crisps with,
But the miller's son Jack,
laid her flat on her back,
and united the organs they pissed with.
Blondes, Ya Gotta Luv em
.
Why do insurance companies give you a break on your premiums if you ride around with two blondes in the back seat?
Rear seat airbags.
(8o
Two Blondes were discussing a news article concerning gasoline fumes causing impotence in the male.
"Aren't you worried about Tommy's new job at the gas station? said Alice Those fumes could cause him to lose the lead in his pencil."
"Doesn't matter." giggled Rachel.
"He doesn't do all my writing anyway."
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who got a pair of waterskis?
A: She's still looking for a lake with a slope.
Q: Why don't blondes like to breast feed their children?
A: Because it hurts when they boil their nipples.
Q: Why can't blondes pass their driving tests?
A: Because every time the car stops they jump in the back seat.
Q: Why was the Blonde's brain the size of a pea after exercising?
A: It bulked up.
Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
A: I dont know, and neither does she.
A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks.
He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up so surprise me!"
He did just that. For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale
Nobody has seen or heard from him since.
Just When You Thought You Were
Safe
GLYNN COUNTY, GA -- A boat exploded off the coast of Georgia Wednesday night. Witnesses say the owner put 262 gallons of fuel in a 200 gallon fuel tank.
The explosion happened while the boat was docked at the Two Way Fish Camp in Glynn County. Larry Kicklighter said he saw the disaster coming and warned the boater, "Whatever you do don't try and start that boat."
Kicklighter says the boater did not follow his advice, "And the explosion blew him overboard."
"Fire and smoke everywhere. In fact, I thought it was going to get under the dock," he said.
Other witnesses say the man's clothes and skin were ripped off in the explosion.
The boater was taken to a local hospital and then transferred to the burn unit at Doctors Hospital in Augusta, Ga. Officials tell us he is in critical condition.
I guess this is what you call an extreme optimist that would see a glass WAY OVERFILLED.
Berlin, Germany An unidentified man broke into a residence and stole several items, including a digital camera. Apparently proud of himself, the idiot took several photos of himself at the crime scene before becoming frustrated with the new technology and leaving it behind. Investigating officers found the camera and recognized the idiot from several prior offenses. He's now posing for his mug shot.
WOMAN DROWNED WHILE PERFORMING FELLATIO, COURT HEARS
DARWIN, Australia AAP
A sexual romp at a popular Darwin beach ended in a 25-year-old woman drowning while performing oral sex on a man, a court was told today.
The woman had had sexual intercourse with Christopher Sean Payne in "a number of positions" in the water off Pee Wee Camp beach before she voluntarily went under the water to perform fellatio on him, the Northern Territory's Supreme Court heard.
Prosecutor Michael Carey told the court while the woman was performing the oral sex Payne, 34, "became excited and put his hands on her head and kept her down there".
Mr Carey said Payne told police when the woman stopped performing fellatio he "wondered what was going on so I let her up".
Was it that good?
"He says that she did not try to get up, wasn't kicking or splashing and that she 'really didn't do anything' and that he let her up as soon as she stopped sucking on his penis," Mr Carey told the court.
Mr. Carey said Payne told police when he realized the woman was dead he "freaked out", dressed and drove away.
Payne, who has been in prison since two days after the drowning on October 11 last year, today pleaded guilty to committing a dangerous act.
His counsel, Suzan Cox, told Justice Sir William Kearney that her client still had "recurring nightmares" about the drowning. "He keeps seeing it while he tries to sleep at night," Ms Cox said.
She said a psychiatrist found that Payne had a deep sense of shame about the incident and said that he had needed treatment 12 times for outbreaks of boils.
Ms Cox said that before Payne and the woman went into the sea they had drunk 11 750ml bottles of beer and that an autopsy had found that she had a blood alcohol reading of .287 - almost six times the legal [Australian] driving limit.
"She might have just passed out (under the water) that might explain why she didn't struggle," Ms Cox told the court. She said while Payne had had an alcohol problem he was considered a quiet, shy, good-natured and considerate person by his employers and friends.
Ms Cox said the "unusual" nature of the case meant there was no need for Justice Kearney to consider imposing a harsh penalty on him to deter others.
Justice Kearney said he would sentence Payne on Monday. "It's an unusual case that will need careful, very careful deliberation," Justice Kearney said.
UPDATE: The gentleman was sentenced to serve 4.5 years.
Signs, Signs, Everywhere a Sign
Nope I don't think so, un un, absolutely not, where's the exit?
A fart, it is quite wonderful,
It's made inside your belly,
It passes through your bottom,
And it's often very smelly.
Everybody does them,
From Vicars through to Queens,
And you can do some corking chuffs,
If you've been eating beans.
So hurrah for our methane,
Three cheers for our trumps,
But it you strain a tad too hard,
Please check your pants for lumps.
WHY?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteriesare getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money to begin with?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife
told you to do it?
I Know Nice Art When I See It
Hey, don't look now but your fly is open.
(8o
WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY
There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses!
I thought the results were pretty interesting:
85% of women think their ass is too fat...
10% of women think their ass is too skinny...
The other 5% say that they don't care, they love
him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.
gee SPOT
Ladies this is for you.
Use the button for the gee Spot.
Sorry this has been discontinued.
MEN'S LOCKER
THIS
IS THE CHIEF TALKING MEN.
Man
your stations and be ready to fire when you see the pink of
their.........
For the Men's Locker use
the button.
Sorry this has been discontinued.
Today's Funny Videos
Some videos can be lengthy.
Please let them load or go to the next one.
If you close the clip and don't
return to this spot use the side menu and select "Funny Clips."
Today' Funny
Audio
Some audios can be large files and I have provided
a download link.
Use your browser back button to
return here or hold your shift key down when you click the link, or
right click and select "open in new window." That will open the link in it's
own separate page where you can just click the x and you are right back
here.
******
A few new fun pages at the Bullshit corral. Make sure you check it out regularly because I will add pages without notification.
SELECTIONS OF MATERIAL DEPICTING
THE BEST of the WORST of INTERNET STUFF
NOTHING ORIGINAL ~ EVERYONE'S TO BLAME
ALWAYS FREE and NOTHING BUT FUN from
BEGINNING to END
IF YOU WANT TO SHOP, GO TO A MALL,
IF YOU WANT SERIOUS READING,
GO TO THE LIBRARY.
= = = MOSTLY ADULT MATERIAL = = =
JUST JOKES AND CARTOONS
IF EASILY OFFENDED, DO NOT SUBSCRIBE
My Friend Lyle over at The Copy Macheen invited me across Lake Michigan for a friendly game of golf. We had a few little side bets going on and it was a pretty tight match up until the 18th hole.
This is the reason why you never trust a Iowa Hawkeye on his home course.
That's ok I got it all back with a friendly game of Liar's poker at a very lucrative 19th hole.
******
"LEAVE
NO HUMAN BEHIND"
LIFE
******
It's hard to kiss the lips at night that chew your ass
out all day long
******
A Survey was conducted as to why men like blow jobs:
10% liked the feeling
12% liked the dominance
78% liked the fucking silence
and most agree that the three are not mutually exclusive.
******
"Sex is like A Salary;
Nobody discusses theirs and always thinks the next person is getting more"
******
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE FROM THE CAMPFIRE.
Remember, with all the summer driving to the beaches and on vacations there is more drinking while driving.
Don't drink and drive and watch out for the other guy.
In addition
There is more jerking off behind the wheel. So please pull over and park before you indulge.
Hey ladies you should at least give your man a blow job so he can have both hands free to steer.
(8o
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