Welcome to the Campfire, Today's Kudos,  Ted,  Judy,  Ida,  Janette.  Dale,  Tom,   I hope I have not missed anyone :-(

I like skin as much as the next person but you little anal beads are about as close as I get to real hard core.

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This Weeks Funny Videos (2)

Special Audio treat today.

Power Point presentation prepared by yours truly.

Popcorn, soda, WMD not included.

Ladies it has been brought to my attention that someone has been cleaning fish in the women's john. I have yet to find fish scales because I don't know where you hide them.

This may call for special punishment.

I hope you like cigars too LOL.

If laughs are what you seek,

Split right now, take a leak

CAUSE IT'S

I went to a swinging party the other night and got smashed and took a lady home. I don't know who this lady was but she was definitely my type. She didn't talk much and she was game for anything.

<sup>May 30th
Just moved to El Paso, Texas...Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. Mountains and deserts blend together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I
love it here. Welcome to our town:

June 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air conditioned home, drive an air conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper.

June 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's nice and windy though. But getting used to it is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th:
I missed Morgan (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Morgan had swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and Shits!! No more pets in this heat!!

July 25th:
This wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. $1,500 in damn house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

Aug 4th:
It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. Stupid repairman pissed in my pool. I hate this stupid city.

Aug 8th:
If another wise ass cracks, "Hot enough for you today?", I'm going to tear his throat out. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roasted freaking Garfield!!

Aug 9th:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts and sat on the black leather seat in the ol' car. I thought my ass was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh. Now my car smells like burnt ass and fried cat.

Aug 10th:
The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do shit for two damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this barren desert? Water rationing will be next so $1,700 worth of cactus just might dry up and blow into the damn pool. Even a cactus can't live in this heat.

Aug 14:
Welcome to Hell!! Temperature got to 113 today. If I had wanted to move to Death Valley, I would have moved there instead. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damned windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?"


My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.
~~~~</sup>(₈^o_O

Let's get this crap out of the way real quick.

The U.S. government has finally opened up the corn reserves. I can't say that the quality is any better than we were getting from Mexico but at least we are buying American made rotten corn and it has the the smell of skunk.

USDA certified rotten. Just pick out the worms, put in those store bought teeth and have at.....

To be politically correct we do not say he eats like a pig...

Instead we should say he suffers from Reverse Bulimia.


Q:  What does a girl with bulimia call two fingers?
 

A:  Desert.

If I hear another Bulimia joke I am gonna throw up....

Q: Did you hear about the new Greek tampon?

A: It's called "Abzorba the Leak."

Quick someone hand the author of this joke a butt plug before his brains leak out.

A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up he's on a beach. The sand is dark red. He can't believe it.

The sky is dark red.

He walks around a bit and sees there is dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red  fruit on the dark red trees.

He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn dark red too.

"Oh no!!" he says. "I think I've been marooned!!"

I wonder if this guy has a ball named Wilson as a friend.

The Marina

It was a hot summer's day, and Luke was in the marina, having a few beers aboard his boat, patriotically named the Fourth of July.

 He was waiting for his friend, Opie, to arrive so they could go for a cruise. Opie was late, unfortunately, because he had to pick up his wife from her appointment with the obstetrician.

Her examinations were cheap because the doctor, a fellow named Juan, was Opie's cousin. Anyway, the appointment went over time, and Opie was late getting to the marina. Luke had been drinking all this time, and was feeling no pain.

When he saw Opie finally walking down the pier, he jumped up, staggered to the side of the boat to wave to his friend, and nearly fell in! Opie got there just in time to grab Luke. ... Thus, it was that O.B. Juan's kin, Opie, saved Luke from falling to the dock side of the Fourth..

I think the author of this joke has been in to many Bar Wars.

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.
 

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
 

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skill, he had decided to call it a day.

Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.

The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.

The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,
"Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied,

"BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL"....
geeeez

WAIT! WAIT! There's more.............

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief of this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

"What has happened? Who is the man?" the first monk asked breathlessly. "I don't know his name", sighed the distraught bishop, but............."

HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER

OMG this this is the mother of all freeking groaners. I hope the person that wrote this is locked up somewhere safe so they don't embarrass anyone in his immediate family.

What do you little intestinal polyps think about this weeks crap, er I mean crop?

LMAO he he he

^~~~~(₈^o_o

Dorothy Johnson sued Kenmore, inc. for the death of her dog. After washing the poodle, she placed it in her Kenmore microwave, "just a few minutes, on low" to dry it off. The case was dismissed

Geeez if that was me I would have wired 110 volts to two forks. One in the dogs ass and one in his mouth because convectional heat is cheaper than using a microwave.

Damn I hate when people waste money.

Robert Lee Brock, an inmate in Virginia, has filed a lawsuit against himself, claiming that he violated his own civil rights by getting arrested. He is suing for $ 5 million and is asking the state to pay, since he can't have an income in prison.

I wonder how many license plates this nut case can make in one day when he is not busy raping himself.

A woman with an unexplained nasty cough and high fever which had persisted and baffled doctors for 6 months finally found relief when doctors discovered that her malady was caused by a condom embedded in one her lungs that she apparently inhaled while performing oral sex.

Now that is some powerful suction. Must have been on hell of a blowjob. LOL

Help her with your mouse.

Pretty smile  ^~~~~(₈^o₎

I once had a ladyfriend, Rose,

Double-jointed she was I suppose;

And I watched fascinated

As Rose masturbated

Herself with the tip of her nose.

One day she got tied in a knot

With her nose on her clitoral spot.

I said, "Rose? You OK?"

She said, "Fine. Go away.

For I'm coming and don't give a jot."
 

A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an
African tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around their penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his
wife looked down at him and said, "Whadaya say we try the African
string-and-weight procedure?"

The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our tribal
experiment coming?"

"Well, it looks like we're half way there," he replied.

"You've grown to 12 inches?!"

"No...it's turned black."

LOL

^~~~~(₈^o_D

This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on  TV one night.

The preacher faces the camera, and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program.

Place one hand on top of your TV & the other hand on the part of your body which ails you & I will heal you."

The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach.

Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV. and his other hand on his groin.

With a frown his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead."

Guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.

He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"

"Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10, and the bartender drops it into the jar.

"OK," the bartender says, "here's what you need to do.. First you have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila... the whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it.

"Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands."

Third, there's a 90-year-old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."

The man is stunned. "I know I paid my 10 bucks, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things...."

Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."

As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks,

"Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up, and soon all the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping, and then............ silence.

Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.

"Now," he says, "where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"

Woooofffff

We trash em all here unlike some. Of course some of them make for better writing LOL.

The Worst Foursome in Golf

1. Monica Lewinski
2. O.J. Simpson
3. Ted Kennedy
4. Bill Clinton

Why You Ask

1. Monica is a hooker
2. O.J. is a slicer
3. Ted can't drive over water
4. Bill can't remember what hole he played last.
 

Bill Clinton's former National Security Advisor, Sandy Berger, is now under investigation for making notes on highly classified anti-terror documents and sneaking them out of the National Archives by stuffing them down his pants. What is it about these Clinton people always being investigated for something in their pants? Why is that? Jay Leno

On "60 Minutes", Bill Clinton blasted former prosecutor Ken Starr saying "all the public got for its $70 million was evidence of my personal failure with Monica Lewinsky."

But most Americans think that's a bargain compared to the $80 billion it's costing us to get evidence of President Bush's personal failings with Iraq.

Jake Novak
 

In the 9-11 commission report they say that it was Iran - not Iraq - that was helping Al Qaeda. So apparently we invaded the wrong country because of a typo!

David Letterman

Q: Why did the homosexual suspect his live-in lover had been cheating on him?

A: Because he came home shit-faced.
LOL

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?

A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?

A: 100 people who don't do dick.
 

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'

Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"
HEHE

 An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night, she was always complaining about something.

The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field.

He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began harassing him again.

Complain,...nag, .....nag; it just went on and on....

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. ...Killt her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.

When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
 

Take time out to join our members.

Take The Tribal Vows to Smile

Be sure to visit great comedy sites at the end and give the Campfire a boost. You know it's kinda like the baboons do. I pick your fleas you pick mine LOL.

Two features today

If you are not returned to this spot use the bookmark menu on the left and select Kewl Flash link.

This Playboy is mine I can tell

'Cause it has a peculiar smell.

Page twenty is rude

And appears to be glued

To another ten pages as well.
 

.

Q: Why did the blonde have tire marks on her back?

A: She crawled across the road when the sign said don't walk.

Velma, a blonde city girl, marries a farmer.

One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says to her, "The artificial insemination man is coming to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four above the cow's stall. You show him where it is, okay?"

So the farmer leaves for the fields, and a while later, the artificial insemination man arrives. Velma takes him down the long row of cows until she sees the nail, and tells him, "This is the one, this one right here!"

Terribly impressed, the man asks, "How did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

"By the nail over its stall," Velma explains.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

"I guess it's to hang your pants on," she tells him as she walks away....

Q: Why did the blonde give up bowling for screwing?

A: The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.
 

What is the difference between a whore, a nimpho, and a blonde?

The whore says, "Aren't you done yet?" , The nimpho says, "Are you done ALREADY?" And the blonde says, "Beige. I think I'll paint the celling beige

Special Blonde Audio for today

A husband and wife team entered a service station waving guns and threatened to rob the place. The man took the manager at gunpoint into the office where the safe was located, while the woman stayed out front with the assistant manager.

Making small talk during the robbery, the assistant manager told the woman about the great contest the store was sponsoring and
said that if she filled out an entry form, she might win a slew of different prizes.

The excited woman quickly filled out the form, using her real name,
address, and phone number. She then crossed her fingers for good luck and handed the form to the assistant manager.

The couple was quickly arrested.
 

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the internet and they asked for a credit card number, so she's using the ATM 'thingy'

The Department of Health and Human Services, Centers for Disease, Control and Prevention has issued a warning for the upcoming Flu Season this fall and winter. There is a new strain of the Swine Flu that killed 38,000 people in 1968-1969. The symptoms of this new Swine Flu strain are: High fever, upset stomach, occasional cramps and an irresistible urge to roll in the mud.
 

There was a young gypsy girl Rose

With obsessions for gentlemens' hose

Up her pussy, her rear,

In her mouth and each ear

And her cute little freckle-tipped nose

^~~~~(₈^o_D

"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.

"How do you know?" the friend asked.

"She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley."

"So?"

"So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
 

The Campfire bringing the zoo into your homes. Grrrrowlll

A really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine phoned up the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.

"Wow!" I said. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!

"Yeah," I said, "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed again and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute!

"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"

I don't know about you Tribe but I hate when that shit happens so
I hung up on her.
 

Ladies, Don't burn your fingers but this is for you....

Pet his buns for the gee SPOT

Sorry this has been discontinued.

THIS IS THE CHIEF TALKING MEN.

Man your stations and be ready to fire when you see the pink of their.........

REACH OVER AND GIVE THAT BOOTY A PAT

FOR THE MEN'S LOCKER

Sorry this has been discontinued.

Worked on this one a while Tribe. I guess you would call it learning Power Point under fire LOL.

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Hillarious Screaming Eagle

Now I always knew something was wrong with Peter Pan

Hits from the 40's to 70's

Nice Elvis Scrapbook

Great Games Site

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