Welcome to the Campfire, Today's Kudos,   Janette.  Dale,  Captain,  Judy,  JHE,  Ida   I hope I have not missed anyone :-(

One of my favorite groups.

The way things are going I may be able to replace you warts with a

"Yale grad ________???"

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~~~~(8o

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KEWL FLASH

Two new movies this week

CAMPFIRE CINEMA

This Weeks Funny Videos (2)

Popcorn, soda, and fried politicians not included.

I know this is a hotly contested election year but will you people stop drawing Chimpanzees and Herman Munsters on the Campfire Cinema bathrooms walls? My labor cost for those the scum cleaning smilies is getting out of hand.

 I mean can't you people just go back to calling each other Flip Floppers and AWOL liars?

~~~~(8o

If laughs are what you seek,

Split right now, take a leak

CAUSE IT'S

TIME TO BREAK OUT WITH THOSE BIG CROCODILE SMILES

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water

<sup>A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick, so she proceeded to find herself a rich 75-year-old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.

The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.

When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a condom to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of nose plugs. Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"

The elderly groom replied, "There are two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber."</sup>

~~~~(8o

Let's get this crap out of the way real quick.

With the Totalization Treaty with Mexico all the American corn will be lost so grab it now while you can.

NRDC certified radiated. Just pick out the uranium and plutonium particles so your teeth don't fall out.

How did the mother know her daughter was masturbating during her period?

She was caught red-handed.

At least she was not caught with a brown nose.

Two Newfies walk into a pet shop. They go directly over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag."

The clerk puts the budgies in a bag, and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.

They get into Gerry's van and drive to Come-By-Chance until they are high up on a hill, and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop.

"Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds, before he hits the rocks below with a 'SPLAT!'.

As Paddy looks down he shakes his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin' dangerous fer me."

 A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying a 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off. continues to plummet until there is another 'SPLAT!' and his remains join Gerry's at the bottom. Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting nider."

A few minutes after Seamus has gone splat, Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop, and he walks up carrying the now familiar 'peeper Bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result.

Once more Paddy shakes his head

"Fock me Sean!

First der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting and now you fockin' hen glidin..."
 

The person that took the time to author this joke should have stayed in Newfieland and fokked some sheep. It's safer.

Two terrorists are chatting. One of them opens his wallet and flips through pictures.

"you see, this is my oldest. He's a martyr. Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too."

The second terrorist says, gently,
"Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?"
 

Not fast enough.

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.
 

But as we know....the great ship did not make it to New York....The ship hit an iceberg and sank....and the cargo was forever lost.
 

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, they declared a National Day of Mourning which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th.... and is known....of course....as

.... Sinko de Mayo....
 

Yea, well this Joke is Stinko de August

I was at work the other day when I saw a man stealing a gate.
I didn't tell anyone though, just in case he took offence.

 

Well, sorry for the radiation poisoning. I hope no one got sick except these two....

"You were homesick."

One of these days, Alice...POW.............

A frustrated German man is taking social workers to court because they won't pay for him to visit a brothel.

Helmut H, 43, from Obererlbach says he has been sexually deprived ever since his wife left him.

Nitaya, 28, flew back home to her native Thailand to give birth to the couple's son but never returned.

"I get £150 social security each month, I can't afford the plane ticket," he told Bild daily.

He says he's suffering "sexual withdrawal" and has been forced to visit a brothel instead.

Initially, he asked the authorities to refund him the price of an inflatable doll he'd bought - but without success.

He then sent them a bill for 16 brothel visits, 32 porn movies, a magazine and costs for driving to the video store - a total of £1,650.

When authorities wrote back saying his request had been turned down, he took his case to the administration court in Ansbach.

Social welfare spokesman Manfred Walter, 55, says he expects the court "will turn down the claim".
 

Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city in the evening.

They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back lane.

Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood.

"Help me-I've been mugged and viciously beaten" he pleaded.

The two social workers turned and walked away.

One remarked to her colleague:

"You know the person that did this really needs help".

~~~~(8o

Mrs. Cohen came home from her Sisterhood meeting at the synagogue. She was very excited, and explained to her husband that the guest at the meeting had been a wonderful hypnotist and Psychologist

Mr. Cohen then mentioned that attendance was down at the Saturday services. Maybe they should hire the hypnotist to bring in a crowd.

He talked it over with the rabbi, who thought it was a terrific idea.
After lots of publicizing, the synagogue was filled for the Sabbath service.

The hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch.

As the crowd observed, mesmerized, the hypnotist began,

"Vatch the vatch. Vatch the vatch. Vatch the vatch."

The congregants carefully observed, their eyes following the sway of the watch.

"Vatch the vatch," the hypnotist continued. Then, accidentally, the watch fell out of his hand.

"Shit!" he exclaimed!

It took them three weeks to clean up the synagogue.

A woman took her husband to the psychiatrists because he thought he was a dog.

"Why don't you sit on the couch?" the psychiatrist said when they arrived.

"Oh, no" said the woman. "He's not allowed on the furniture."
 

An MIT student spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field. At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football game, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field. The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.

~~~~(8o

A sous chef from South Carolina

Hooked the MixMaster to her vagina.

She would prep and deglaze

In an orgasmic haze

And her moaning would rattle the china.
 

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.

After the service, he was approached by a woman who said "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS"

The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.

The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What is it, child?"

"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, frowned, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - You're only mistaken.

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years.

He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.

"You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed, "What do you think we ought to do with it?"

With one eye open, his wife replied,

"Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it."

We trash em all here unlike some. Of course some of them make for better writing LOL.

My Life with Hillary

Q. What is the Republican plan for housing deinstitutionalized schizophrenics?

A. To build more bridges.
 

Botox before and after

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however like the smog statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave L.A. to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority, feministic atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy.

10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.
 

~~~~(8o

A liberal came upon a genie and said,

"You're a genie. Can you grant me three wishes?"

The genie replied, "Yes, but only if you're feeling generous enough to share your good fortune."

The liberal said, "I'm a liberal. I'm always happy to share."

The genie said, "O.K., then, whatever you wish for, I'll give every conservative in the country two of it. What's your first wish?"

"I would like a new sports car."

"O.K., you've got it, and every conservative in the country gets two sports cars. What's your second wish?"

"I'd like a million dollars."

"O.K., you get a million dollars, every conservative gets two million dollars. What's your third and final wish?"

"Well, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."

A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, "Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?"

Then the lady answered, "Excuse me, I think this is a goose."

And the bartender says, "Excuse me, I was talking to the goose."
 

What is the difference between your job and your wife?

After 20 years your job still sucks.

What's the difference between a downhill putt and a blowjob?

You'll never hear a guy getting a blowjob say, "Slow down..., stop..., BITE, YOU COCKSUCKER!"
 

How do you make a sheep sound like a cheerleader?

 Put a bomb under her and light the fuse...she'll go

ssssssss,

BOOM,

baaaaaaaaa!
 

~~~~(8o

How do you know when you're too fat?

When you are lying on the beach and a group of Greenpeace activists throw water over you whilst trying to push you back into the ocean.

Two men are approaching each other as the walk down the street. Both are dragging their right foot as the walk.

As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says,

"Vietnam, 1969."

The other points his thumb behind him and says,

"Dog shit, 20 feetback."

Doctor: "I'm afraid I have some good news and some bad news, Liz."

Liz: "Well, give me the good news first, Doc."

Doctor: "Your lab tests came back today, and your crabs are all gone."

Liz: Gee, that's great! But what's the bad news?"
 

Doctor: "We don't know what killed them."

INTERMISSION

Take time out to join our members.

Take The Tribal Vows to Smile

Be sure to visit great comedy sites at the end and give the Campfire a boost. You know it's kinda like the baboons do. I pick your fleas you pick mine LOL.

Two features today

If you are not returned to this spot use the bookmark menu on the left and select Kewl Flash link.

A lassie from Taunton quite bumpy

In all the right places said scrumpy

Had just the right zing

To put spring in my thing

And she offered me rumpy and pumpy.
 

I tried it. By god, she was right!

She was squealing in utter delight

As she sat on my thing

And proceeded to bring

Us to heaven that Saturday night.

.

On the first day of their Honeymoon, the very naive blonde virgin bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Christian husband had settled down on the couch.
 

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to
her, he replied,

"Because it's Lent."
 

Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!

To whom did you lend it, and for how long?"

A Blonde girl named Sharon was involved in a serious crash; there's blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the floor.

Medic: Ok, I'm going to check if you're concussed.

Sharon: Ok

Medic: Ok then how many fingers am I putting up

Sharon: Oh my god I'm paralyzed from the waist down!

One blonde asks another: "Which is further, London or the Moon?"

The other replies:

"HELLOOOOO, can you see London from here?????!!!

A blonde and her husband are laying in bed watching TV, they are watching an old western.

The husband says to the blonde "I bet you breakfast in bed that the wagon hits a rock and the rider falls out dead."

"You're on," Says the blonde.

They watch the western further and sure enough the wagon comes across a rock in the path, and the rider falls out of the wagon dead.

 The blonde gets out of bed and returns with a tray full of food.

After eating the husband says "I have to admit that I saw this movie before."

The blonde smiles. "I saw the movie before too. But I didn't think the wagon driver was stupid enough to ride over the same rock twice!"

A man is suing a bank that he attempted to rob. After employees of the bank realized that he was deaf, they were able to talk during the attempted robbery, which made ir easy for them to stall the would-be robber until the police arrived. The failed bank robber is suing the bank for discrimination.

Bernie Carson is suing PT's Show Club (a strip club) for $200,000. Carson claims that one of the strippers caused him "emotional distress, mental anguish, and indignity" when she bashed her breasts against his head. Carson also claimed to have been "bruised, confused, lacerated and made sore." The stripper's breast are rumored to be 42DD.

It looks like poor Bernie Carson has found the mysterious Weapons of Mass Destruction so we can breath easily now.

"Two Michigan robbers charged into a Detroit music store waving their guns. 'Nobody move!' one of the robbers ordered. The second robber then moved -- and the first shot him in the head."

^{There was an old spinster called Maude}

^{At whom everyone laughed and guffawed;}

^{Until handsome young Bert}

^{Caused a tent in her skirt}

^{Which revealed she was really a Claude.}

The District Of Columbia, long known as the "murder capital of the world" because it has the highest per capita murder rate on the planet, announced that it had hired a new police chief, retired Deputy Chief Fred Thomas.

Mr. Thomas is quoted in the Washington Times as saying:

"Unfortunately, a lot of the crime and violence has been driven by our youths--and for the past seven years, I've been working with them."

Guess things aren't going to change too much...
 

Ladies, don't burn your fingers but this is for you....

Pet his buns for the gee SPOT

Sorry this has been discontinued.

THIS IS THE CHIEF TALKING MEN.

Man your stations and be ready to fire when you see the pink of their.........

REACH OVER AND GIVE THAT BOOTY A PAT

FOR THE MEN'S LOCKER

Sorry this has been discontinued.

The second clip is a big one but, well worth the wait. So grab a drink when you open the second one because it is a riot.

You will need Power Point Viewer for this. If you do not have it click here and get it.

WHEN ASKED TO OPEN OR SAVE THE SLIDE SHOW SELECT OPEN.

*****FUNNY SLIDE SHOW*****

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This guy really hates his redneck neighbor LOL

OMG this proves that Peter Pan was kinda weird LOL

Where does bacon come from :-O

A great site I have not visited in a long time. Ripley's has a new design.

Bring them all back home safely.

This is not to slight any other country that has stood by us. We wish for the safety of all involved.

Always look below here :-) to the end.

Two of the Tribe members have another great comedy site. Please visit and support them.

This message approved by the Chief and paid for by the people that park their asses on my money eating couch LOL.

,

YOUR CAMPFIRE GOT SOME AWARDS TRIBE.

I THANK ALL OF YOU FOR YOUR PARTICIPATION. WITHOUT YOU WE WOULD NOT HAVE A REASON TO BE HERE.

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Jump back

"Say when, Miss Atkins."

Bend over and get lathered up.

PROTECT OUR BORDERS NOW!!!

The Sell out of America. The hijacking of your Social Security and Medicaid.

http://www.usbc.org/

"LEAVE NO AMERICAN BEHIND"

Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet?

Why do bullies always ask "what’s your problem" when they're obviously not going to solve it?

Why do people say 'God Speed'? Just how fast can God go anyway?

Why do we use the phrase "recorded earlier"? Is there ANY other time to record something?

How can you dig yourself out of a hole?

If he who hesitates is lost, why must we look before we leap?

I hope all of you had as good a time reading this as I did bringing this to you.

REMEMBER THOU SHALL NOT STEAL

BECAUSE THE GOVERNMENT HATES COMPETITION.

Dr. Psychotic

Clicking below gives me something to smile about.

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