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September 04, 2004 If you use AOL and think this page is old go back to the opening page and hit the refresh button or better yet use Internet Explorer to view this site.
You know this is be kind to online editors week. You are talking about the wrong Chief. That was the Chief of Police. If I were you I would keep my mouth shut about that one too or you might end up being investigated by the MSPCA for being escapees from a dog dish.
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on my face visit my guestbook. Make Sure you visit all our sites using the menu buttons above or here. Lady Linx | Cactus Chuckles | Campfire Classies | Game Room
KEWL FLASH Two new movies this week
CAMPFIRE CINEMA Two new videos this week
CAMPFIRE FUN SHOWS Slide show "Ghosts"
Popcorn, soda, and spirit healing not included. I am glad both political conventions are now behind us. I hate soap operas. Although it would have been nice to see a good ole shoot out between Zig Zag and Chris Mathews.
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| Don't you just hate when you get your cat out of the bath and they look at you like your nuts?
 Physicians: a. The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000. b. Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000. c. Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171. (Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health & Human Services) Now think about this: Guns: a. The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. b. The number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) is 1,500. c. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.000188. (Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."
FACT: NOT
EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.
Please alert
your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets
completely out of hand!!!!!
(Out of
concern for the public at large, I've withheld the statistics
on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.)
Let's get this crap out of the way real quick. Be careful which corn you grab. It might be bugged.
Webster's dictionary editors met to decide how to abridge the new edition. "We are listing too many old words that no one uses any more, they've gotta go," Said the chief editor. "It's time we faced the fact that .... we can't have archaic and edit too."
Take that with a
glass of curdled buttermilk.
A man is driving along a highway and
sees a rabbit jump out The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying at the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong?
"I feel terrible, "he explains, "I
accidentally hit this rabbit and The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again; he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops off out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says.. Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave. Geeeeez I wish they had a spray to bring life to dead joke writers.
On visiting the Men's Room at
Wal-Mart this morning Bill was standing next to a very fat fellow at a
urinal, when suddenly, for no discernible reason, he confided in Bill
that he hadn't seen his penis in 15 years.
Not knowing why he suddenly decided
to confide such personal "Why don't you diet"? Giving Bill a surprised stare, he said "Dye it"? For God's sake, what color is it?" I think the author of this joke has been on a pretty good diet of crack or something.
I had one more but this crap has taken a toll on my nerves how about you guys?
Little Amber was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing. He politely asked, "What are you up to there, Amber?" "My goldfish died," replied Amber tearfully, without looking up, "And I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish isn't it?" Amber patted down the last heap of earth then replied,
"That's because he's inside your fucking cat."
LMAO
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow
really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at
the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a
doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will
diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only
costs $10.00." Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a
jar with a urine *** You have tennis elbow. Soak
your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two
weeks... That evening while thinking how amazing this new
technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began
to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.
He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine
samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into
the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer,
poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made
the usual noises, flashed its lights, and printed out the following
analysis: *** Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener. *** Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. *** Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. *** Your wife is pregnant - twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. *** And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better.
CHICAGO - Chicago police are looking for a 6-foot tall, 275-pound bearded man who crashed a child's birthday party, apparently just looking for cake. Deputy Police Chief Nick Sparacino said the mystery man drove up to a home in a red 1988 Cadillac earlier this month and entered the home, the Chicago Sun-Times reported Monday. The homeowner asked who he was, to which he replied "I am vengeance. I am the knight. I am Batman." He then went into the kitchen, cut a piece of birthday cake, took it into the living room and ate it. The nervous homeowner continued asking the man questions, but he simply got up and left in the Cadillac. If police can locate him, he will be charged with criminal trespass, the newspaper said. "I've seen a lot of weird stuff, but nothing like this," Sparacino said They probably can find this guy in Gotham City if they really want him.
A man
accompanied his wife to the doctor's office. After the checkup, the
doctor took the husband aside and said, "Your wife is suffering from
severe, long-term stress and it's affecting her cardiovascular system.
She's a good candidate for either a heart attack or a stroke. If you
don't do the following four things, your wife will surely die".
Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said. When did you first notice this problem? What problem?
A very talented inventor devised an artificial pussy.
You could not Realizing what a money maker he had devised, he approached a sea captain who was embarking on a six month cruise. He made an agreement with the captain to split the profits 50/50 and charge each sailor $2.00 to utilize it. Upon the end of the voyage the inventor was standing on the pier awaiting the ship. The ship tied up and the captain came down the gangway. The two embraced and the inventor asked: "How much did we make?" The captain reached in his pocket, drew out a dollar bill and handed it to the inventor. The inventor blew his stack. He screamed, "What the hell, one dollar, didn't they like it?" The captain responded, "Oh yeah, oh yeah, the first guy liked it so much he ate it."
A well-partied co-ed named Dawn, when asked what conclusion she’d drawn, Said, "I was having a ball... But I just can’t recall this tattoo... or where all my pubic
hair’s gone!!"
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a
duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve
being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped
on a duck!"
A long read but this is funny
Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily
tickled.) I bought something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our
22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my
sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized
Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this
product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs
designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low
amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate
time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb.
tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a
slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek.
If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly
missing out ... way too cool! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we
don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this
particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How
disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the
button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the
blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that
I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of
electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee ... I'm easily amused, just for
your information, but I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot
is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking
to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A
batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking
on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would
be me, not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing
out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping
Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such
a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni
to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top
with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a
one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second
burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control;
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this
little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy
triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin' way
... trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened next is almost beyond description, but
I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good
idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with
her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning
that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt
all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't
you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the
hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight-always
twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the
button, and HOLY **************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that
Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that
recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I
vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on
fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm
tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me
making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,
undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" (Note: If
you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of
caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent
We trash em all here unlike some. Of course some of them make for better writing LOL.
Now we know why she looks manly LOL.
Someone has great penmanship....
A life long supporter of the Democratic
party was lying on his
John Kerry says the thing that makes
him most
But he admitted that meeting admirers in
Jake Novak
You probably know it's been crazy here in New York City
with the
David Letterman
Arnold Schwarzenegger gave a speech tonight. Before the speech, this is true, Governor Schwarzenegger stopped at a firehouse and he praised the firefighters for 'the balls you have to do the job you do.' Then, so he didn't appear sexist, Schwarzenegger told the female firefighters they had nice hooters. Conan O'Brien
Try this, it really works!
To start each day with a positive outlook, or for an
instant "pick-me-up" anytime of the day: 2. Name it "John Kerry or George Bush." 3. Send it to the trash. 4. Empty the trash. 5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to permanently delete John Kerry or George Bush? 6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly. 7. Feel better instantly.
8. Repeat process as needed.
I once wrote a book called How to Keep an Idiot Entertained for Hours. It went like this: To keep an idiot entertained for hours, read the next sentence. To keep an idiot entertained for hours, read the previous sentence." It didn't sell very well. I thought with the short attention span of people these days it may have been too long, so I rewrote it. The 2nd edition went: "To keep an idiot busy for hours, re-read this sentence." It's doing pretty good. I have a deal for the sequel. The 3rd edition is going to go: "Re-read this line." Now, if I could just find the time to write it.
If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?
Why did the
little Greek boy run away from home?
How can you tell if your house was built by
lesbian carpenters?
Why are new girlfriends like a fresh roll of toilet
paper? A. Sometimes it's kind of hard to get the first piece, but after
that you can rip one off anytime!
How do you know when you're really ugly? Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
Two midgets vacationing in Las Vegas pick up a couple of hookers and take them to their hotel room for a little fun. After a few cocktails and some dancing, the lights go out, but the night doesn't go as planned. The first midget not only can't get a
hard-on, but all night he has to listen to his buddy grunting, "One,
two, three, HUH!" over and over.
INTERMISSION Take time out to join our members.
Be sure to visit great comedy sites at the end and give the Campfire a boost. You know it's kinda like the baboons do. I pick your fleas you pick mine LOL.
Two features today If you are not returned to this spot use the bookmark menu on the left and select Kewl Flash link.
There once was a girl from Sidney Who could take it right up to her kidney But a guy from Quebec Shoved it up to her neck He had a long one, now didn't he.
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A blonde is taking the driving portion of her driver's
license She handles most of the maneuvers quite well. She has a little trouble parallel parking, however, and winds up a couple of feet from the curb. "Could you get a little closer?" the examiner asks. The blonde then unbuckles her seat belt and slides over
toward the examiner.
A blonde was recently hired at an office. Her first task was to go out for coffee. Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order. She asked, "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" The
coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few "Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular, two black and two decaf."
Q. What is the definition of Blood, Sweat and Tears?
A.
A blonde standing in front of a tampon machine
with a bent quarter.
Q. Why do Blondes wear earmuffs? A.
To avoid the draft.
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde
stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city.
Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for
airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning, as
the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new
stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and
called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying,
and said she couldn't get out of her room.
Renowned mountaineer falls from tree rescuing cat VICTORIA -- A renowned B.C. mountain climber has died from injuries sustained when he fell out of a tree while trying to rescue a cat. Daryl Hatten, 49, lived much of his life on the edge of mountains and cliffs. He blazed trails in the Canadian Rockies and California's Yosemite National Park, as well as the Squamish Chief north of Vancouver. But Hatten died Saturday after falling from an arbutus tree soaked by heavy rains in suburban Langford. He was being paid to rescue a large, black house cat for its owner when he slipped and fell about 20 meters to a rocky patch on the ground below. Geeeesh.....
Oklahoma City, OK
An 18-year-old man was charged with robbing a 7-11. When he walked in, pulled a gun a demanded money, the employee didn't panic. She calmly said, "I don't think you're old enough to be robbing us. Don't you have to be at least 16?" The thief then proceeded to pull out his wallet and showed the clerk his driver's license. The clerk quickly memorized the information on the license, than gave the thief the money. The cops arrested the robber at his home.
There was a young man named McGurk Who dozed off one night after work, He had a wet dream And awoke with a scream Just in time to give it a jerk.
Bob went to go visit his friends in the country side. There was a horrible storm and his car wouldn't start. So he asked if he could stay the night at his friends house. Since there was no furniture besides the bed they all had to sleep in the same bed. So there they are Bob his friend and his friends wife. In the middle of the night Bobs friends wife (Mary) whispers to him: "Bob come over here and have sex with me." "But wont your husband wake up?" Bob replied. "Just pull one of his ass hairs and youll see he wont." So Bob removed one of his friends ass hairs and went over to have sex with Mary. She called to Bob again and again all through the night so they could have sex. And each time they did Bob plucked one of his friends ass hairs. Then at 5 a.m. Mary said: "Bob come over here and have sex with me." So Bob plucked one of his friends ass hairs and his friend said. "Ya know Bob. I dont mind you sleeping with my wife but I wish you wouldnt use my ass as a score board."
And one for the ladies
See, Nemo was not lost after all. You ladies just needed to know where to look.
Ladies, don't burn your fingers but this is for you.... Pet his buns for the gee SPOT Sorry this has been discontinued.
THIS IS THE CHIEF TALKING MEN. Man your stations and be ready to fire when you see the pink of their.........
REACH OVER AND GIVE THAT BOOTY A PAT FOR THE MEN'S LOCKER Sorry this has been discontinued.
The second clip is a big one but, well worth the wait. So grab a drink when you open the second one because it is a riot.
You will need Power Point Viewer for this. If you do not have it click here and get it. WHEN ASKED TO OPEN OR SAVE THE SLIDE SHOW SELECT OPEN. *****GHOSTS SLIDE SHOW*****
VISIT THE CHILI PAGE FOR SOME CLASSIC LAUGHS
TODAY'S CLEAN CARTOON Use the browser back to return here.
LINKS Use you browser back button to return here or hold your shift key down when you click the link or right click and open in new window. That will open the link in it's own separate page and you can just click the x and you are right back here. Hillarious Flame Throwing Car EGADS Very Nice Inspirational with singing from Judy LOL see how far you can walk drunk. This is hard from Janette Watch Bush and Kerry fight it out. Beautiful Labor Day Prayer from Judy
Bring them all back home safely.
This is not to slight any other country that has stood by us. We wish for the safety of all involved. "Next the statesmen will invent cheap lies, putting the blame upon the nation that is attacked, and every man will be glad of those conscience-soothing falsities, and will diligently study them, and refuse to examine any refutations of them; and thus he will by and by convince himself that the war is just, and will thank God for the better sleep he enjoys after this process of grotesque self- deception." Mark Twain 1916
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What you do to unruly kids on and airplane.
"LEAVE NO AMERICAN BEHIND"
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist? Why do we partake in Animal testing? The animals always get nervous and give the wrong answers anyways. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? If corn oil comes from corn and olive oil comes from olives, where the heck does baby oil come from? How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America? If you spin an oriental man, does he become disoriented? If you always take time to stop and smell the roses will you sooner or later inhale a bee? If you hate all prejudice people, are
you a hypocrite?
I hope all of you had as good a time reading this as I did bringing this to you.
A sense of humor can help you overlook the unattractive, tolerate the unpleasant, cope with the unexpected, and smile through the unbearable.
Clicking below gives me something to smile about.
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