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Pressure
by
Billy Joel
Please support the artist
Hey, if you little bowel bi-products have something
to put gas in then it means I am paying you to much. Besides you
turds are made round so you can roll where you want to go. I suggest
you map all your routes so they go downhill.
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Popcorn, soda, and oil company butt fucks
not included.
If
laughs are what you seek,
Split
right now, take a leak
CAUSE IT'S
Last night we went to a party at our local senior
center. The last Saturday of every month they have an evening
potluck supper. We usually eat, play bingo, reminisce, and ornery
old Dave Jensen usually cops a feel or two from the ladies.
We heard Selma Martin's grandson is staying with
her for a few weeks. It's rumored he got in a scrape over some
marijuana with the law out in Phoenix and he came to Sarasota to
avoid the heat. Anyway, Selma is known for her delicious Brownies
and she always bakes up a quadruple batch for each get-together. She
makes enough for everyone and some for folks to take one home for
later. For some reason they was extra good this week and every last
one of them was eaten. Not a one left over. We later found out that
Selma's grandson, Butch, laced the brownies with some of his
marijuana.
Knowing this I guess it offers a logical reason
for everyone feeling good that night. By the time Zeke put on the
bunny hop record everyone was in a real good mood and it was the
first time the whole place got up and danced.
That is until the cops came to check all the noise
complaints.
Well, that's another story.....................
(8o
Out of the Mouth of Crumb
Snatchers
A friend hosted a dinner party for people from
work and everyone was encouraged to bring their children. All during
the sit-down dinner one co-worker's three- year-old girl stared at
the man sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food
from staring. The man checked his tie, felt his face for food,
patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at
him. He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too
much for him. He asked her,
"Why are you staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior,
and the table went quiet for her response.
The little girl said,
"I just want to see how you
drink like a fish."
Should children
witness child birth?
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic
responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the
paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight
high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the
baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while
Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and
spanked him on his bottom
Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help
and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she
had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded,
"He shouldn't have crawled in
there in the first place"......... smack his ass again!
SQUIRrrrrrrt
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy
leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's
with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this
morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough
syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a
cough with damn laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Bullshit, look at him, he's
afraid to cough!"
This guy's at work when he receives a call from
the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident. He
rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit
down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on
his face starts to speak. But before he can, the guy interrupts.
Guy: "Doc, don't tell me my wife's dead. I just
can't take it. Really, I can't take it. I love her."
Doctor: "Well, sir, I do have some bad news."
Again the guy interrupts.
Guy: "Doc, just tell me, did she make it?"
Doctor: "As I was saying, we did all we could.
Right now she's in a vegatative state, which is likely where she'll
remain for the rest of her life. She can stay here overnight, but
after that, you'll have to take her home because your insurance
doesn't cover this type of thing."
The guy slumps, just crushed.
Doctor: "With the right care, which will include
you feeding her five times a day, cleaning her and giving her
constant care on a daily basis, she'll likely live for at least
another 30 years."
The guy sinks even lower, just crushed, and starts
to cry.
Doctor: "As I said, your insurance doesn't cover
this kind of care, so you'll have to make some sort of arrangements
to purchase the equipment you'll need for your wife. I would suggest
you put your house on the market today and sell it as quickly as
possible and buy a mobile home. You're gonna need the excess cash.
It should be enough to buy the equipment your wife needs and for you
to live on for the next couple of months. By then, you should be
able to qualify for welfare and other forms of state and federal
aid."
By this point, the guy is sobbing uncontrollably.
The doctor reaches over, puts his hand on his
shoulder and says, "Hey, look at me." The guy looks up and the
doctor smiles and says,
"I'm just fucking with
you, she's dead."
Our Corn Consultant looks happier these
days. He knows sooner of later people are going to get fed up with the
oil barons and the price gougers in this country and start coming to him
to brew up some good burning alcohol from his stills.
At least he will be getting rid of some
of his legal crop. The only problem is the legal crop will get thinned
out and the pigeons will hone in on the good shit.
Our Corn Consultant
A frog goes into a bank and approaches
the teller. He can see
from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000
loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief
and asks his name. The
frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that
it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to
secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and
produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and
perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that
she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back
office.
She finds the manager and says,
"There's a frog called Kermit Jagger
out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he
wants to use this as collateral.
"She holds up the tiny pink elephant.
"I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and
says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give
the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
"You can't always get
what you want but, if you try some time you just might find you
get........."
this kind of crap.
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a
while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get
married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the
other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white
dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The
wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the
bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am
going to have a little whisk broom!!!"
"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.
"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"
Well let's mop this garbage up real quick
and sweep both of these jokes under the rug.
I think our Corn Consultant had to
contract an oil rig to drill deep enough for this week's crop or should I say crap, what do you pukes
think?
You ever wonder what those little
graphic place holders mean with the red x?
HOW TO STAY AWAKE DURING
BUSINESS MEETINGS
Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and
seminars? What about those long and boring conference calls?
Here's a way to change all of that.
1. Before (or during)
your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare yourself by
drawing a square. I find that 5"x 5" is a good size.
Divide the card into columns-five across and five
down. That will give you 25 one-inch blocks.
2. Write one of the
following words/phrases in each block:
* synergy
* strategic fit
* core competencies
* best practice
* bottom line
* revisit
* take that off-line
* 24/7
* out of the loop
* benchmark
* value-added
* proactive
* win-win
* think outside the
box
* fast track
* result-driven
* empower (or
empowerment)
* knowledge base
* at the end of the
day
* touch base
* mindset
* client focus(ed)
* paradigm
* game plan
* leverage
3. Check off the
appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrase.
4. When you get five
blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout
"BULLSHIT!"
Ah, those great department meetings
where everyone practiced kissing the most ass using the maximum
allotted words while making no sense at all.
Do You Know Where Your Nuts Are Today?
This week's
psychology lesson:
Maniac: Madman or violently insane person. Sort of
like the type of person who uses violence as a means of protesting
violence. Or is that the definition of irony?
Manic: Extraordinarily excited or animated. Five
cups of coffee with four sugar cubes each.
A woman in Zuelpich, Germany, managed to burn her house
down while trying to exterminate spiders with a can of hair spray and a
cigarette lighter. She started by spraying the invading pests with
hairspray. When that ran out she went after them with a cigarette
lighter, which ignited the hairspray residue, burning down her house.
Firefighters were able to save her neighbor's house, which sustained
minimal damage. Repair costs were estimated at over 100,000 euros
(US$125,460). (Reuters)
Hey, I have used hairspray and a
lighter as a blowtorch too. You just have to know how to be a
responsible fire bug.
For all the nut cases out there
don't give up hope. You have to remember that Moses started off as a
basket case.
This Weeks Planter's Award
Look at the gums on that.
A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is
waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for his Mom to
come out.
While waiting the little boy gets bored and just
when his Mom comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up
a mannequin's skirt.
"Get your hand out of there!" she shouts.
"Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"
The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and
thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten.
For the next ten years, this little boy grows up
believing all women have teeth between their legs.
When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend.
One night, while her parents are out of town, she
invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out
and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little
further if you want."
"What do you mean?" he asks.
"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?"
she says, pointing to her crotch.
"HELL NO!" he cries, "you've got teeth down here!"
"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no
such thing as teeth down there!"
"Yes there are," he says, "my Mom told me so."
"No there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for
yourself."
With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him
a little peek.
"No I'm sorry" he says.
"My Mom already told me that ALL women have teeth
down there."
"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off
her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I
DON'T have any teeth down there."
The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well,
after seeing the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!
A man, returning home a day early from a business
trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While
en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to
catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and
cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights,
yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another
man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife
shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when
I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for
you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season
Bronco Tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our
country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband
slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said,
"What would you do?"
The cabby said,
"I'd cover his ass up with that
blanket before he catches a cold."
(8o
Good Ole Religion
That nice Jewish boy from Montana
Says that pussy is sort of like manna:
"It feels like from heaven,
Tastes fine without leaven,
And transports me straight to Nirvana."
A man was sick and tired of going to work every
day while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he
prayed:
"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8
hours while my wife merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through, so please
allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's
wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a
woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened
the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed
their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry
cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a
deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the
groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. He cleaned the
cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and
he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep
and mop
the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up
the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out
milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework,
then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the
ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing
vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans
for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the
dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and went to bed. The
next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:
Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my
wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us
trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
"My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I
will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though.
You got pregnant last night."
A man gets off a plane in Boston and heads immediately for the men's
room. It's crowded but he finds a vacant urinal to gain relief after
the long flight and after having many drinks.
The man at the urinal next to his says, "You're Jewish?"
"Yes."
"You come from Sudbury?"
"Yes."
"Your parents went to Temple Immanuel?"
"Yes," he says. "But I don't think I know you. How do you know so
much about me?"
The man next to him replies, "Rabbi Minski of Temple Immanuel is the
only Rabbi I know that has Parkinson's disease and performs
circumcisions by cutting at a right angle and
you're pissing on my shoes!"
Father Guffy roared from the pulpit to his
parishioners: "The drink has killed millions-- it rots their
stomachs and they die in agony. Smoking has killed millions--it
coats your lungs and you die in agony. Overeating and consorting
with loose women have also killed millions..."
" 'Scuse me, Father," hollered William from the
back, "but what is it that kills the people who live right?
Holy Golf!
Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the
Jewish People for the treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over
the years, Ariel Sharon, the Prime Minister of Israel, sent a
proposal to the College of Cardinals for a friendly game of golf to
be played between the two leaders or their representatives to
demonstrate the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the
Catholics and the Jews.
The Pope then met with his College of Cardinals to
discuss the proposal.
"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr.
Sharon wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are
old and unable to compete. I am afraid that this would tarnish our
image in the world."
The Pope thought about this and since he had never
held a golf club in his life asked "Don't we have a Cardinal to
represent me?"
"None who plays golf very well," a Cardinal
replied. "But," he added, "There is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an
American golfer, who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him
a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr. Sharon as your personal
representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we
will also win the match."
Everyone agreed that this was a great idea. The
call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and he agreed to play
as a representative of the Pope.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the
Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "This is Cardinal Nicklaus..
I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the
golfer.
Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus," said
the Pope.
"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but
even though I have played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my
life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been
inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were
accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due
respect, my play was truly miraculous."
"How can there be bad news?" the Pope asked.
Nicklaus sighed
"I lost by three strokes to Rabbi
Tiger Woods".
There are three religious
truths:
a. Jews do not
recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not
recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not
recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
THE BLIND WAL-MART CLERK
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel
for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so
she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart
associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me
anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if
you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to
know about it from the sound it makes.
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the
counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite
rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all
around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that
just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As
she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally
breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes
there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted.
Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be
$34.50 please. "
The woman is totally confused by this and asks,
"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get
$34.50?"
He replies,
"Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel
is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is
$3.50."
In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf
beside a lake.
The hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular,
"Gosh...if I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the
water and I will be refreshed."
There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh...if
that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him."
There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh...if
that fly goes
down three inches that fish will jump for the
fly...and I will grab him."
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the
bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....
"Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three
inches...and that
fish leaps for it...that bear will expose himself
and grab for the fish.
I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."
Now, you probably think this is enough activity on
one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there's more....
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,
"Gosh if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for
that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish...the dumb hunter will
shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and
thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular
lake around lunch time "Gosh...if that fly goes down three
inches...and that fish jumps for that fly ... and that bear grabs
for that fish and that hunter shoots that bear...and that mouse
makes off with the cheese sandwich ... then I can have mouse for
lunch."
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he
heads down for the cooling mist of the water.
The fish swallows the fly... The bear grabs the
fish... The hunter shoots the bear.. The mouse grabs the cheese
sandwich... The cat jumps for the mouse.. The mouse ducks...The cat
falls into the water and drowns.
The moral of the story is:
Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some pussy
is in serious danger.
What animal is long, thin, hairless and surrounded
by greenery you ask?
A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a
country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's
lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when
she says,
'I hope you don't mind but I really do need to
pee.' Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies,
'OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge.'
She nods agreement and disappears behind the
hedge. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling
down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable
to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer , he reaches a hand
through the hedge and touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand
further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment
finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her
legs. He shouts in horror,
'My God Mary ... have you changed your sex?'
'No,' she replies. 'I've changed my mind,
I'm having a shit instead.
Yuk, hey I don't write this
crap.
Miss Mackie is now a feature on the
main page so you can get to her columns at any time.
An American lawyer asked, "Morris, why is it that
whenever you ask an Jew a question, he answers with another
question?"
"Who told you that?" asked Morris.
A woman at a party walked up to a man that was
flirting with all the ladies and told him,
''If you were my husband I would poison your
drink."
The man replied, ''If you were my
wife I would drink it.''
Q: What is the
similarity between a video recorder and a man?
A: They go forwards,
backwards, forwards, and backwards, stop and eject!
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't
it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners
depressed?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny
little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use?
toothpicks?
Q. What is the first
sign of AIDS?
A. A pounding
sensation in the ass.
Q. Why can't women
read maps?
A. Because only the
male mind can comprehend the concept of 1 inch equals a mile.
Q. How are a lawyer and a prostitute different?
A. The prostitute stops fucking you after you're
dead.
Q. Why do female skydivers wear jock straps?
A. So they don't whistle on the way down.
(8o
IN THE NEWS
02:00 AM Aug. 29, 2005 PT
A New York stock clerk who had his camera phone
swiped from his car this month says he was able to peer into the
life of the gadget's new owner. The thief evidently didn't realize
the copious photos and videos he was taking with the hot phone were
accessible through a web account.
John Clennan, 23, says someone rummaged through
his unlocked car while he was working the nightshift at a Long
Island convenience store earlier this month. Several days later
Clennan realized his Sanyo 5500 was missing from the vehicle, and he
called service provider Sprint PCS to have the service cut off.
Because the camera phone can only hold a limited
number of images, Sprint lets subscribers upload photos from the
device to a web account. "I decided to go and check out the web
space and see if there were any pictures uploaded to it, and he had
taken almost 40 pictures and five movies and uploaded them all,"
says Clennan.
Most of the images show the same young man,
flexing for the camera in various states of dress, kissing a young
woman, posing with apparent friends and family members, and
generally having a good time with a new toy.
When Clennan checked the account's e-mail outbox,
he found the new owner had forwarded some of the photos to a
particular Yahoo e-mail account.
Clennan sent his own message: "Like to steal cell
phones and use them to take pics of yourself and make videos.... HA!
(G)uess what pal ... (I) have every pic you took and the videos. I
will be plastering the town with pics of your face."
Far from chastised, the man fired back a taunting
one-line note, apparently with his own name in the header, dropping
the name of a woman Clennan had been dating, and who'd sent text
messages to the stolen phone.
Clennan retaliated by posting the story and some
of the photos to a Long Island web board, where it immediately began
gathering the kind of interest that accumulates to photo-driven
internet phenomena like the Korean Dog Poop Girl and the New York
subway flasher.
Urged on by netizens, Clennan says he finally took
the trove of evidence to the Suffolk County, New York, police last
week, and they're considering filing petty theft charges in the
case. "The detective actually laughed," says Clennan.
"The police told him that they were going to
subpoena Yahoo, because they have the e-mail address," says
Clennan's mother, Susan Clennan. "I would assume that it's probably
not one of their top priority cases. It's not Sherlock Holmes
material." (Police say the investigating officer is on vacation, and
he could not be reached for this story.)
Contacted by e-mail, the camera phone's new owner
told Wired News he didn't steal the device, but merely found it on a
street corner. The young man says he's 16 years old, and Wired News
has elected not to report his name.
"I should have locked my doors, and this wasn't
the first time," says Clennan. "It was totally my fault. But after
seeing how stupid this guy was, he just had to be caught."
Yep it's time to get a little playtime in while the rest
of you go grab a cold one and meet me back here.
Be sure to visit great comedy sites at the end and
on the home page to give the Campfire a
boost. You know it's kinda like dogs do. You sniff my ass and I sniff yours LOL.
Today's Flash
Features
Two features today
If you are not returned to this
spot use the bookmark menu on the left and select Kewl Flash link.
An epileptic young woman named Camp
Was seduced on her couch by a tramp
But the first time he squeezed her
She had a Grand seizure
And broke both his balls and a lamp.
Blondes, Ya Gotta Luv em
.
And That's Not Meatballs Either
Folks.
A virile, young Italian student was relaxing at
his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular
young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her
back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to
his bedroom and made love. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with
a smile, "So...You finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied,
"No."
Surprised, the young man reached for her and the
love making resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there
are screams of passion. The love making ends, and again, the young
man smiles, And again he asks, "You finish?"
And again, after a short pause, she returns his
smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to
outlast him, The young man reaches for the woman again. Using the
last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax
simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed
sheets. The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping.
Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her
eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish!?"
Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear,
"No!, I Swedish.
(8o
Seven Degrees of Blonde
FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang
at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the
phone, listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 200
miles from here!"
and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said,
"I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One
notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She
opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks
familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first
blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You
dummy, it's me!"
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on
her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment
unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms
of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse
to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state
capitals.
She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of
them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The
blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
FIFTH DEGREE What did the blonde ask her doctor
when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"
SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA
freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi
if she knew what Roe vs.
Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then
finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make
before he crossed the Delaware"
SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to
find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police
at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the
radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the
blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and
his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands,
she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call
the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND
policeman."
Come on there has to be a nth degree
somewhere.
Blonde customer: "Could I be trying on that dress
in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing
room."
Did you hear about the blonde newlyweds who sat up all
night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
The Guy and his Alligator
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his
side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the
astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's
mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his
mouth for one minute.
He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit
unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will
buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, and dropped his
trousers, placing his privates in the alligator's mouth.
The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the
alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth
and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks
were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer.
"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand
went up in the back of the bar.
A blonde girl timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you
have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle so
hard."
And you thought it was an
alligator joke? Well it wasn't.
A blonde is complaining to her friend about the
bad day she'd
had at work. Her boss had suffered a heart attack
and died.
Her friend said, "How horrible! What did you do?"
The blonde shook her head. "There was nothing I
could do. He
kept yelling at me to call 9-1-1, but he wouldn't
tell me the
rest of the numbers..."
A professor is lecturing his class on the
possibility of finding joy through unusual activities.
"Even the most natural and common actions can
provide an immense amount of pleasure," said the professor.
"For example, a good bowel movement can be as
enjoyable as making love."
A student replied,
"Professor, either you don't know how to screw, or
I don't know how to shit."
Just When You Thought You Were
Safe
Thomas Mason Moron!
Bank robbers usually try to conceal their
identity, but according to Winona, Minnesota, police, that wasn't
the case when a man walked into Fortress Bank and handed a teller a
note that said,
"Hi, I am Thomas Mason."
The note went on to demand a thousand dollars in
100-and 20-dollar bills and that he would "kill everyone in the bank
if he had to come back with a weapon in hand." The teller gave the
man the money and the suspect left. Bank employees saw him go to
Midtown Foods, where police caught him. The man, identified as
Thomas Eugene Mason, was found with 813 dollars cash and the note,
but no weapon.
The Winona (Minnesota) Daily News.
There's A Face in the Toilet!
A man arrested in Albany, New Hampshire after a
14-year-old girl heard a noise, looked down a pit toilet at a
popular swimming hole bathhouse and saw a face staring up at her.
Police pulled Gary Moody-- who was wearing waders-- from the waste
tank underneath a log cabin outhouse. Moody, 45, was charged with
criminal trespass and had to be hosed down by firefighters before
police handcuffed him. "We had to decontaminate him," said Captain
Jon Herbert of the Carroll County Sheriff's Office.
The Kennebec Journal
Just when you thought you were
really, really, absolutely, positively, assuredly, undoubtedly,
definitely, SAFE.
RIO DE JANEIRO, Brazil (Reuters) - A dead woman
lying in her casket was hit by a stray bullet during a wake in Rio
de Janeiro and mourners fled in panic, police said on Wednesday.
The bullet, fired in a shootout between a drug
gang and police in a slum adjacent to the cemetery Tuesday, pierced
the casket inside the cemetery's chapel and got lodged in the
corpse's pelvis. Clenilda da Silva, 49, a babysitter, had died the
previous day of a heart attack.
The bullet was not removed before burial.
Hmm, there must not of been any
American doctor around or he would have scheduled emergency surgery.
"This is just too sad. My God, to get shot after
death, "Extra tabloid newspaper quoted da Silva's sister, Maria de
Lourdes Pereira, as saying.
Oh yea better to get shot when you
are alive. Gunshot wounds don't hurt as much then.
The newspaper said another bullet broke a window
in a neighboring chapel and bullet holes could be seen on many trees
and cemetery walls.
It's a wonder with all the racket
they didn't wake up the dead.
Standoffs between drug gangs and police or just
between rival gangs often claim innocent lives in Rio, which has one
of the world's highest murder rates.
Signs, Signs, Everywhere a Sign
There was a young man from
'Arrow
Whose tool was like a
vegetable marrow.
He said to his tart,
'Take this for a start,
'And me balls will be along
in a barrow.'
THE PRICE OF LOVE AND
INVESTING\
On their wedding night, the young bride approached
her new husband and asked for $20 for their first lovemaking
encounter. In his highly aroused state her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
love, for the next 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute
way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she
needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the
next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a
process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was
unlikely that at the age of 55, he'd be able to find another
position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and
therefore, they were facing financial ruin.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
showed thirty years of deposits and interest totaling nearly $1
million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the
bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they
were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that
for the 30 years she had charged him for sex, these holdings had
multiplied and these were the results of her savings and
investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth
over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak,
but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea
what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"
THAT'S WHEN SHE SHOT HIM!
You know, sometimes, some men just
don't know when to keep their big mouths shut LOL.
I Know Nice Art When I See It
Triple delight
:-)
Hey I been robbed. There are suppose to
be three of you.
The husband had just finished reading the book,
'MAN OF THE HOUSE'.
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up
to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said,
"From now on, I want you to know that I am the Man
of this House, and my word is law!
I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight,
and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert
afterward.
Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my
bath so I can relax.
And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's
going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied,
"The funeral director would be
my guess."
gee SPOT
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