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September 21, 2004 If you use AOL and think this page is old go back to the opening page and hit the refresh button or better yet use Internet Explorer to view this site.
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KEWL FLASH Two new movies this week
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Man the southeastern US has sure had their share of bad weather recently. I hate to think about the Caribbean islands that had to face those storms head on.
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for
Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of
really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it
anymore.
Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself in a mirror.
Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight was depressing
her.
This is an extract of an
American National Public Radio interview between a female broadcaster and a US
Army Lieutenant-General about sponsoring a Boy Scout Troop on his military
installation.
Interviewer: `So, LT-G, what are you going to do with these young boys on
their adventure holiday?'
LT-G:
`We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
Interviewer: 'Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?'
LT-G:
'I don't see why; they'll be properly supervised on the range.
Interviewer: `Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity
to be teaching children?'
LT-G:
`I don't see how - we will be teaching them proper range discipline before they
even touch a firearm.'
Interviewer: 'But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
LT-G:
'Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?'
Let's get this crap out of the way real quick. The Michigan sweet corn is starting to come in but in the meantime I have some surplus corn I have to push on you from India. What a switch eh... India sending us something? Must be a payback for all the jobs we sent them. The average wage increase in India has grown by 16 percent recently which puts them as the highest per capita wage increase in Asia. I guess this means they now make 52 bucks a week.
Good for what ails you including cystic fibrosis. (TRUE)
After spending fifteen
sexually starved years in an asylum, an inmate escapes.
The first female he
runs across is a washer-woman hanging up the institution's washing. He
takes her and satisfies his urges and dashes on to freedom.
The local newspaper
ran the following headline:
"NUT
SCREWS WASHER AND BOLTS"
Talk about hardware. I think the author of this joke has a couple loose hinges.
Losie this joke!!!
A bachelor who lived at home with his
mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left he told his
best friend to inform him of any emergencies.
"Your
mother climbed up on the roof today." I wonder when was the last time the author of this joke fell off the roof on his head.
Man: Doctor, my leg keeps talking to me. Doc: Don't be ridiculous! Leg: Lend us a five! Man: Told ya. Leg: How about a ten! Doc: My God! Leg: Eh Doc, can you spare a 20? Doc: I know your problem. Man: What is it Doc? Tell me. Your leg's broke!
I think it is time we rounded up all the dead joke writers and outsource them to India then they would know what broke is. What do you guys think of this crap?
In a recent issue of Meat & Poultry
magazine, editors quoted from ''Feathers,'' the publication of the
California Poultry Industry Federation, telling the following story: ''Use a thawed chicken.''
LMAO
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again." Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."
"Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "you've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when all of the sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes." The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?" "I push them away." "I see. What do you want me to do?" The
patient implored, "Break my arms."
Doctor to patient: I have good news and
bad news. The
Depression Recycled Patient: I have a problem doctor. I feel depressed and worthless. Doctor: You should cut down on your drinks. Patient: I don't drink and have never touched a drop in my life. Doctor: You should cut down on your smoking. Patient: I don't smoke either doctor. Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing. Patient: Good heavens!! Haven't touched a woman in my entire life. Doctor: Your problem is you have no problems!! Get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, and find a couple of girlfriends and you will be alright.
Little Johnny was in school one day when the teacher brought around cookies for snack time. "Here, Little Johnny, have a cookie." "I don't fucking want one," declared Johnny. The teacher was shocked. She called Little Johnny's mother and scheduled her to come in for a meeting the next day. When Little Johnny's mother arrived, the teacher had her hide behind the curtain until snack time came around. As she came to Little Johnny, she again told him, "Here Little Johnny. It's time for your cookie." "I don't fucking want one," stated Little Johnny again. The teacher pulled aside the curtain and said to his mother, "See? Did you hear what he said?" "So?" said his mother, "Don't fucking give him one."
There once was a whore from Peru Who filled her pussy with glue She said with a grin If they'll pay to get in Then they'll pay to get out of me too.
During a Papal audience, a business man
approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the
Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this
day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to
Catholic charities. The Pope declined. The good news is... that
we have 100 million dollars for charities.
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest cough to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies, "No use knocking, there's no toilet paper in this one either."
A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double martini on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double martini. After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double martini. Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replied, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife and when the bitch starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
We trash em all here . Of course some of them make for better writing LOL.
President Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing
white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair.
According to a global poll, if the world could vote for President of the
United States, they would choose John Kerry over George Bush. However,
when you widen the poll to the Federation of Planets, Ralph Nader wins. Beam me up Ralphy!
"People tell me that Senator Edwards got
picked for his good looks, his sex appeal, and his great hair. I say to
them, 'How do you think I got the job?'" Vice President Dick Cheney
President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and
due to an administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the
Pope was sent to hell. The Pope explained the situation to the devil, he
checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The
Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the
problem and correct the error.
A long but funny read Pretty soon you, the American voter, will enter the sacred sanctity of the voting booth and cast your ballot for the next U.S. president. Or, not. It's also possible that your ballot will go back in time and participate in the election of 1848, or wind up in a distant galaxy, helping to elect an alien being with 73 eyeballs (slogan: ``A Being of Vision''..) The truth is, you don't know WHAT will happen to your ballot, because you might be using one of the new electronic voting machines. These are supposed to eliminate the screw-ups we had in the 2000 election, in which the ballots of thousands of Florida voters were not counted because, due to poor design, many Floridians have the intelligence of a sugar beet. No, sorry, what I mean is: The ballot was too darned complicated! There were names AND chads, and to figure out which name went with which chad, you had to follow an ARROW, and . . . Whew! As a Floridian, I'm getting a headache just THINKING about how complicated it was! I would take an aspirin, if I could figure out how to open the bottle. So this year many states are switching to electronic voting machines, which use computer technology -- the same reliable, foolproof technology we use in the newspaper industry to wwr _.(%$@!@hkjhou((*7**%$ ERROR ERROR DELETING EVERYTHING FROM DAWN OF TIME Whoops! It turns out that things CAN go wrong with computer technology. One big concern is that electronic voting machines could be tampered with by ''hackers,'' as was the case recently when an 11-year-old New Jersey boy named Jason Feeblehonker, using only his GameBoy, was able to get himself elected governor of both North Carolina and Wisconsin. He's actually doing a decent job, although some state police officers are not thrilled about having to carry light sabers.. But aside from that, electronic voting machines are a great idea, according to people who make millions of dollars selling them. Here's how this ''high-tech'' voting system works: Inside the voting booth you'll find a ''touch screen,'' which is a computer screen coated with a thin, invisible layer of germs left by all the people who voted ahead of you, many of whom use the sacred sanctity of the voting booth to pick their noses. When you touch this screen, tiny pieces of electricity called ''electrons'' go shooting into your finger, through your arm and into your brain, where they whiz around until they locate the name of the candidate you wish to vote for; they then transmit this information to Central Voting Command (located in India. along with any legally questionable thoughts you may have regarding terrorism, tax evasion or sexual fantasies featuring an armadillo and Wayne Newton. Electronic voting is fast and harmless, unless they get the voltage wrong, in which case an overhead sprinkler system will automatically extinguish any flames in your hair. So there's nothing to worry about! Remember: Before electronic voting was approved for use on humans, it was extensively tested on laboratory hamsters 87 percent for Dennis Kucinich.. So that covers how you're going to vote. The other question is, whom are you going to vote for? The best way to decide this is to watch political TV ads, which present the issues with a degree of honesty, nuance and sophistication rarely seen outside of Veg-O-Matic commercials: On the screen, we see the CANDIDATE. Next to his face is the word ''LEADERSHIP.'' ANNOUNCER: Leadership. It isn't just a word? It's a word that tested really well in our focus groups. And it's a word we want you to think about when you think about the Candidate. Also, think `low-carb.' Now we see the candidate's OPPONENT, in an unflattering photograph that makes him look like THE WORLD'S LARGEST GLOB OF EARWAX.. ANNOUNCER: The Opponent favors policies that could cause the Earth to rotate in the opposite direction, causing all life on the planet to hurtle into space and die. Is that really what Americans want? Now we see the CANDIDATE standing in an attractive outdoor setting with his WIFE AND CHILDREN.. CANDIDATE: I want to lead America in the right direction. That's why I'm standing with my family on this lawn. And that's why I approve of this message. DIRECTOR: Cut! CANDIDATE: Which one is this message again? DIRECTOR Checking script.: Leadership. CANDIDATE: Oh. CANDIDATE'S WIFE: This lawn has biting ants. Yes, voters, by the end of this campaign you'll be so well-informed that you may flee to Paraguay. But I urge you to stay, because on Nov. 2, you have an opportunity -- and a sacred trust -- to help choose the person who will lead this nation for the next four years. Jason Feeblehonker.
Q: Did you hear that Hollywood is going to remake the
exorcist?
A: Its about a mother who hires the Devil to get a
priest
out of her son!
Two ancient occupants of a geriatric nursing home were discussing the merits of this "newfangled" support pantyhose.
"Well, I don't like them," said the
first old dear, "because every time I fart, I blow my slippers off!"
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire."
Just as
he was leaving for work the man's wife told him that there was a leak in
the plumbing. He told her to call a plumber and have it fixed.
The
wife comes home to find her husband screwing the dog in the living room.
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided
that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks." "And did he?" "Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."
Q. Why are there so few black astronauts? A. How
would you like to be a proud educated black man
A rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car. They run out of gas, and are forced to stop at a farmers house. The farmer says that there are only 2 extra beds, and one person will have to sleep in the barn. The Hindu says, "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn," so he goes out to the barn. In a few minutes, the farmer hears a knock on the door. It's the Hindu and he says, "There is a cow in the barn. It's against my beliefs to sleep with a cow." So the rabbi says, "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn." A few minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door and it's the rabbi. He says that it is against his beliefs to sleep where there is a pig and there is a pig in the barn. So the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door. It's the pig and the cow.
INTERMISSION Take time out to join our members.
Be sure to visit great comedy sites at the end and give the Campfire a boost. Like Cheney said if you don't go there and support me you will be attacked by terrorists.
Two features today If you are not returned to this spot use the bookmark menu on the left and select Kewl Flash link.
A young man whose sight was myopic Thought sex an incredible topic. So poor were his eyes, That despite its great size, His penis appeared microscopic.
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Why did the blonde stop using the pill? It kept falling out!
Three blonde college girls went in for physicals, Upon examining the first blonde, the Dr. notices she has a large letter 'H' imprinted on her chest. The Dr. asked her "how did you get this?" She says "my boyfriend is from Harvard, he likes to leave his letter sweater on when we make love." While examining the second blonde, the Dr. notices she has a large letter 'Y' imprinted on her chest. The Dr. asked her "how did you get this?" She says "my boyfriend is from Yale, he likes to leave his letter sweater on when we make love." During the examination of the third blonde, the Dr. notices a large letter 'M' imprinted on her chest. The Dr. says "I see your boyfriend is from the University of Minnesota!" She responds "No, my girlfriend is from Wisconsin!"
A blonde goes into a laundry mat and asks to have her sweater cleaned. The laundromat attendant doesn’t hear her correctly and says, “Come again?”
“Oh, no it’s just mustard this time.”
Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs? A: They don't know the route!
Frank Gort, a San Antonio burglar, was caught and convicted. When it came time for sentencing, the judge gave him seven years. Gort was very upset - and begged the judge not to sentence him to seven years because seven was his unlucky number. The judge was a very compassionate person so he gave him eight years.
JOHANNESBURG Reuters. - A South African man who shot
his pregnant fiancé dead before killing himself will be posthumously
married to her at the weekend.
There was a young lady named Rose Who'd occasionally straddle a hose, And parade about squirting And spouting and spurting, Pretending she pissed like her beaux. ** Who improved the original plan. She said, "My dear Rose, In this lowly old hose Are all the best parts of a man." ** She frigged in a manner artistic: At the height of her pleasure She turned up the pressure, And cried, "Ain't it grand and realistic!"
Ladies, don't burn your fingers but this is for you.... Pet his buns for the gee SPOT Sorry this has been discontinued.
THIS IS THE CHIEF TALKING MEN. Man your stations and be ready to fire when you see the pink of their.........
REACH OVER AND GIVE THAT BOOTY A PAT FOR THE MEN'S LOCKER Sorry this has been discontinued.
Good one Tribe *****Today's Funny Audio File*****
VISIT THE CHILI PAGE FOR SOME CLASSIC LAUGHS
TODAY'S CLEAN CARTOON Use the browser back to return here.
LINKS Use you browser back button to return here or hold your shift key down when you click the link or right click and open in new window. That will open the link in it's own separate page and you can just click the x and you are right back here.
Funny Flash about assault weapons Funny Squirrel Tech Support..Adult Language This is fun and addicting. Can you walk the drunk? Play the Quick Time Movie there. Flamethrower protector Nice Inspirational with music from Judy
Bring them all back home safely.
This is not to slight any other country that has stood by us. We wish for the safety of all involved.
Always look below here :-. to the end.
Two of the Tribe members have another great comedy site. Please visit and support them.
This message approved by the Chief and paid for by cashing in some S & H Green Stamps and trading two Jimmy Small rookie cards. ,
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I Hear Ya :-)
"LEAVE NO AMERICAN BEHIND"
True bravery is arriving home late & drunk after a boys night out, being hit by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning
or just flying somewhere?"
Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting, "Holy Shit...what a Ride!!!
I hope you had as much fun visiting us as I did bringing you this Tribe. See you next issue.
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