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Featured Song
Dirty
Laundry
Don
Henley
Please support all the artists.
I figured with the
amount of ground in grime in Congress you phlegm balls would need a little head
start getting to Washington. It might take you longer but you can save gas by
just rolling there. I think you can make pretty good time too since it is the
lowest elevation on this planet. All downhill, baby!
Oh and, forget about
the lye soap, wire brushes, and scrub boards. You are going to need a couple bus
loads of independent prosecutors and burly prison guards to haul the jerks out
screaming.
ADULT WARNING
New
visitors, if you like what you see sign up now so you don't miss
anything. The only email you will get is notification of
any new issue. Join
Popcorn, soda, and -
hacked - Diebold voting machines not included.
Good
ole Baxter can have a job programming here anytime. I'll even let him take a
computer home two weeks before he starts.
If laughs are what you seek,
Split right now, take a leak.
CAUSE IT'S
The War in Iraq has
not been going well against the home grown insurgency's desire to have other
countries leave theirs. They had become very sneaky catching our soldiers off
guard with Improvised Explosive Devices (IEDs). But, now they have stooped to
new lows using things like this:
tks kyle :-)
I mean, come on now. How could they stoop so low?
This is not fair at all!
I guess this gives some credence to the theory
they had Weapons of Mass Deception (WMD) there.
Eat your heart out Santorum. Your bogus crap
was scooped by none other than a BTC Campfire Member.
How to Piss Off a Woman
In the most romantic setting
possible, lean close and whisper in her ear "Upside down and in the dark all
women smell like you.
Use her bra as a slingshot. Tell
her it was too small.
Tie her to the bed, describe all
the erotic things you plan to do. Then go bowling.
Convince her that you're having an
affair. Once you've got her thoroughly convinced, say you were just kidding.
Ask why she doesn't fill up with
water when she takes a bath.
Say, "Hell no that dress doesn't
make your ass look fat. You've got a fat ass, that's the problem."
Walk around with a very large grin.
When she asks what it is, start crying and say, "Nothing. Never mind." Run to
the bedroom/bathroom and slam the door.
Read her this list.
Ask her to bend over and see if you
can use her to open your bottle of beer.
Tell her YOU have a headache, but
you're willing to suffer with it through sex just to please her.
Re-arrange the dishes in the
cabinets.
Ask her how she prepared a meal. If
she wants to know why you want to know, say "So I don't make the same mistakes."
Tell her you're thinking about
becoming a dairy farmer and you need to practice on her.
If she mentions commitment or
marriage, mention anal group sex in the same tone of voice.
Tell her women have two holes so
close together so you can carry 'em like six-packs.
Tell her she's your love buffet,
but the doctor has put you on a crash diet because of a heart condition.
Imitate her having an orgasm while
dining out.
Fake your own orgasm while dining
out.
When meeting her parents, ask her
Mom out. Or, ask her Dad out. Or, ask both of 'em to join you later that night.
Tell her you've applied for the
position of blowjob inspector at the nearest whorehouse.
Scream your own name during sex.
Ask what her name is in the middle
of sex. Tell her you need to know what to scream.
Tell her that her best friend was a
better lay. If she protests, say "All right. We'll have a screwing contest
between the two of you."
After sex tell her the doctor
assured you it isn't contagious. Then aint.
Say "Hell yes size matters! Look at
the Grand Canyon."
Tell her it's Saint Jism day and
your religion requires you receive a blowjob every hour for the next 24 hours.
While slow-dancing, drool down her
back.
Mattel to sue over lesbian
Barbie show
Toy manufacturer Mattel is reportedly threatening to sue a
Brazilian artist for portraying Barbie as a lesbian.
Karin Schwarz's exhibition features pictures of Barbie in
compromising situations, reports the Jornal de Sao Paulo newspaper.
Mattel has given the artist 24 hours to close down the
exhibiton or they say they will take legal action.
But Ms Schwarz says she will not back down: "Barbie is
exploited by Mattel. She wears a bikini, she shows off her belly, has big
breasts, and even has a boyfriend," she said.
The exhibition, entitled Amazing Girls, is on show at a bar in
the city of Curitiba.
A Mattel spokesperson said: "Barbie is a very proper lady and
she is not happy about being portrayed as something that she isn't.
"We are going to sue and we hope that this teaches people a
lesson. Also, Barbie is 46 years old, she should be respected!"
What the hell is Mattel talking about? Every girl or boy that had their hands
on a Barbie doll undressed her. The first thing they looked at was her boobs or
crotch. I would also like Mattel to say she is a 46 year old virgin. If that is
so then it proves Barbie is a Lesbian.
This lady agrees with me:
Barbie is an absolute slut.
That’s right; Barbie is finally getting her comeuppance for
being the saucy sex-fiend that I, for one, always knew she was. Now, more
legitimate sources are confirming my amateur hypothesis. According to Sharon
Lamb’s The Secret Lives of Girls, Barbie’s been dry humping Ken and even dabbled
in some soft-core S&M for years now: “Barbie dolls help girls express what they
don’t have words for yet, chiefly their sexual interest, which helps them to
distance themselves from it at the same time. They can remain good girls while
Barbie is the slut.”
An evangelist who tried replicating Jesus' miracle of walking
on water has reportedly drowned off the western coast of Africa.
Pastor Franck Kabele, 35, told his congregation he could
repeat the biblical miracle, and he attempted it from a beach in Gabon's capital
of Libreville.
"He told churchgoers he'd had a revelation that if he had
enough faith, he could walk on water like Jesus," an eyewitness told the Glasgow
Daily Record.
"He took his congregation to the beach saying he would walk
across the Komo estuary, which takes 20 minutes by boat. He walked into the
water, which soon passed over his head and he never came back."
Ok, so when he started running out of
air did he think to turn around or try swimming? At least he could have had a
sidekick like Moses along to part the waters. Or Noah to sail his trusty ark
behind him like channel swimmers. These two guy would have been able to get his
ass out of a jam after the Meth high wore off.
Where do these kooks come from and
why do people follow them? Faith is one thing but to believe this man could
emulate something Jesus was to have accomplished is like, DUH.
A 29-year-old man was too embarrassed to admit to airport
security at Chicago's O'Hare airport, because he was standing next to his
mother, that the strange grenade shaped device found in his luggage was part of
a penis pump. He decided instead to tell security, twice, when they asked, that
the device was a bomb. Somehow this would make his mother proud.
The climax for him might be three years in prison.
We hope they go easy on him. He's been punished enough. After
all the entire world now knows that Mardin Azad Amin of Chicago uses a penis
pump.
In other news, security guards at Chicago's O'Hare
International airport were seen frantically looking through discarded bottles of
confiscated liquid in hopes of finding some bleach.
About 25 percent of Russians have had sex while driving, a
poll released by KRC Research and Goodyear revealed. And this is just one of the
things that make them the worst drivers in Europe.
According to the research, Russians do not use seatbelts,
break speed-limits, drive through red lights, drive drunk and
have sex while driving much more often than other Europeans do.
The odd thing is they don’t think all this is bad.
Sounds like they
Enjoy Life.
Hell, in 2003 alone, US drivers killed more Americans while driving distracted
than the Vietnam war.
90 percent of Americans use cell phones, put on makeup, drive with fatigue from
working multiple jobs, eat, read newspapers, and drink lap scalding coffee.
ALL the boring shit.
Maybe we have it backwards. If you are going to check out
while you are behind the wheel why not go out with a freshly polished knob.
(8o
Largest Wood Pecker on Record Discovered by a Cute Birdie Watcher.
WILL THAT BE CAFFEINATED OR DECAF SEX?
It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria. The elderly lady
sitting at the counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the young
woman beside her. Finally the older woman could take it no longer. She turned to
the girl and bellowed with a loud voice
"Young lady, I would rather commit adultery
than smoke!"
"So would I," sighed the girl, "but
you know, there just isn't time enough during a coffee break...."
My corn consultant
had a banner summer. He vacationed in Afghanistan and took lessons on how to
duplicate their record breaking bumper crops of good shit.
The
Corn Consultant Returns with a Vengeance.
This is the tale of Bill, a pretty good auto mechanic. His
shop was quite popular. Keeping his prices affordable, however, reduced his
income below acceptable levels. Instead of raising prices, Bill decided to try
moonlighting in the evenings (so to speak). The best paying job he could find
was in a local circumcision ward. Alas, the job did not work out.
First, he was not able to wash all of the auto grease off his
hands before he started, try as he might. Even more importantly, his skill was
so lacking that he all too frequently botched the job. This could not continue,
so the clinic decided to fire him, something that he loudly resisted.
"Yes," he said, "mistakes were made, but this shouldn't be
enough to remove me from my job. What are the charges?"
The answer came back,
"Clearly you are being removed for, thigh grimes and miss
da wieners."
The author of this joke needs a to
have his ball joints smoked.
A waitress walked from
the kitchen into the restaurant dining area to find three Bulgarian jacking off
at one of her tables. "What do you think you are doing?", she asked. One of the
guys replied, "We arrrreeee verrrrry hoonngry." So how will whacking off at your
table help? said the waitress. The guy replied:
"The
menu says first come first served."
I don't know why the waitress should be
unhappy. At least the guys had their tips ready.
Coming out of a theater late one evening, a man discovered
that a couple had broken into his car and were making love in the back seat.
When he asked them to leave, he was threatened with bodily
harm, so he called the police. The police took them all to the station house,
then quickly to night court in another part of the building.
The judge inquired about the incident, then fined the couple
$50.00 for indecent exposure.
When he was finished with them, he turned to the man and fined
him $100.00. Outraged, the car owner demanded the reason. The judge answered,
"Disturbing the piece."
I wonder if this is the same
judge that was busted using a penis pump under his robe? I heard he got a stiff
sentence and is going to do hard time.
Recently, our town received a grant to build housing for
midgets.
According to our demographics, they figured that we should
have six midgets living here. They sent enough money so that we could finance
the building of homes and let the "little people" pay less than the going rate
for rent. Since we have only one "little person" living here it turns out that
he won't have to pay anything for the only house we built, the subsidy covers
everything. We call it a
Stay Free Mini Pad!
The bloody author of
this joke needs to stop writing PERIOD!
Men's Code.....
If a buddy is already singing along
to a song in the car, you may not join him.
Under no circumstances may two guys
share an umbrella.
Any man who brings a camera to a
bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow attendees.
When you are queried by a buddy's
wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog
walker, you need not - and should not - provide any useful information
whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
Unless he murdered someone in your
immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
You may exaggerate any anecdote
told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination. Beyond that, anyone within
earshot is allowed to call out, "Bullshit!" (Exception: When trying to pick up a
girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent).
If you've known a guy for more than
24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.
The minimum amount of time you have
to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are
required to wait 10 minutes for every increment of hotness she scores on the
classic "1-to-10" Babe Scale.
Complaining about the brand of free
beer in a buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. You may, however, gripe if the
temperature is unsuitable.
No man is ever required to buy a
birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday
is strictly optional and slightly gay.
Agreeing to distract the ugly
friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal
duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with
the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
Before dating a buddy's "ex", you
are required to ask his permission. He, in return, is required to grant it.
Women who claim they "love to watch
sports" must be regarded as spies until they demonstrate a knowledge of the game
and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
If a guy's zipper is down, that's
his problem. You didn't see nothin'.
The universal compensation for
buddies who help you move is beer.
A man must never own a cat or even
like his girlfriend's cat.
When stumbling upon other guys
watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress,
but you may never ask who's playing.
When your girlfriend/wife expresses
a desire to fix her whiny friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead
only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare the
excuse about joining the priesthood.
It is permissible to consume a
fruity chick-drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach...and it's
delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.
Unless you're in prison, never
fight naked.
A man in the company of a hot,
suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
If a buddy is outnumbered, out
manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. (Exception: If
within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy
needs is a good ass whoopin'," then you may sit back and enjoy).
Phrases that may NOT be uttered to
another man while weight lifting: "Yeah, baby, push it!", "C'mon, give me one
more! Harder!" "Another set and we can hit the showers." "Nice ass! Are you a
Sagittarius?
Never hesitate to reach for the
last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
If you compliment a guy on his
six-pack, you'd better be referring to his beer choice.
Never join your girlfriend/wife in
dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.
Never talk to a man in the bathroom
unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line.
In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.
All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time
considering how their online names might appear ...
and be misread:
1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of
the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name…
wait for it… is www.whorepresents.com
(http://www.whorepresents.com/)
2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and
views at
www.expertsexchange.com
(http://www.expertsexchange.com/)
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net
(http://www.penisland.net/)
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
www.therapistfinder.com
(http://www.therapistfinder.com/)
5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company…
www.powergenitalia.com
(http://www.powergenitalia.com/)
6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery,
based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com
(http://www.molestationnursery.com/)
7. If you’re looking for computer software,
there’s always www.ipanywhere.com
(http://www.ipanywhere.com/)
8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church.
Their website is www.cummingfirst.com
(http://www.cummingfirst.com/)
9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers,
and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com
(http://www.speedofart.com/)
10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe?
Try their brochure website at: www.gotahoe.com
(http://www.gotahoe.com/)
Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He is in need of a new milk cow
and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be 'North
Dakota' for you non-Scandahoovians out there).
He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow.
Ole reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and
pulls...the cow farts. Ole is very surprised. He looks at the farmer who is
selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat,
pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some
discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow and take it
home.
When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor,
Sven, and says, "Hey, Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought.
Pull her teat, and see vat happens."
Sven reaches under, pulls the teat - and the cow farts. Sven
looks at Ole and says, "You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn't yah?"
Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his
trip. Ole replies, "Yah, dats right. But how did you know?"
Sven says, "My wife is from
Nordakota."
As you may be aware,
Indian film director T Rajeevnath wants Paris Hilton to play Mother Teresa in a
film about the beloved nun. His decision is apparently based entirely on hearing
that Ms. Hilton had refused to pose nude in Playboy magazine, thereby showing
her outstanding moral qualities. From this we can surmise that T Rajeevnath does
not have access to the Internet.
In the interest of giving T. Rajeevnath the benefit of the doubt, I wanted to
take a moment to consider the parallels between Paris Hilton and Mother Teresa.
Even if I had to periodically give myself a sharp whack across the shin with a
shillelagh to keep from collapsing into a fit of giggles while doing so:
Mother Teresa
Paris Hilton
Is often the recipient of prayers
Is often the recipient of room service
Founded the order of the Missionaries of Charity
Often found in the missionary position
Always insured that the poor of Calcutta came first
Sometimes insures that her partner comes first
Was intimately involved with caring for the
wretched dregs of society
Was intimate with Fred Durst
Is a candidate for sainthood
Has already achieved skankhood
Bared her soul to God
Bared just about everything to everybody
“Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by
everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than
the person who has nothing to eat.”
“The only rule is don’t be boring, dress cute
wherever you go, life is too short to blend in.”
tks, BigK
Do You Know Where Your Nuts are Today?
This Issue's Psychology Lesson.
Mental Health
A state of emotional and psychological well-being in which an
individual is able to use his or her cognitive and emotional capabilities,
function in society, and meet the ordinary demands of everyday life.
Kind of like finding your boss screwing his secretary in the
furnace room after the son of a bitch just denied you a raise. The look on his
face knowing you have him by the balls brings you tears of joy. You sleep well
knowing your future looks a lot brighter for this coming work week.
Abnormal Psychology
In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to
introduce the subject of manic depression.
The instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who
walks back and forth, screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in
a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested
earnestly, "A basketball coach?"
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the
physiatrist began his therapy session, "I'm not aware of your problem," the
doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."
"Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created
the Heavens and the Earth..."
This Issue's Planter's Award
The issue's award
does not go to any one person. We have to give it to the entire staff at Holby
Hospital.
Find the
cheese......
A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in
front, so he stepped inside. There was nothing in sight and nothing there but an
empty bare hallway, with two doors reading, "Over 35" and "Under 35."
He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said,
"Over 35." He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors
that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches."
Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and
found himself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading, "Once a night"
and "Over 4 times a night."
Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once
a night" and found himself back out on the street.
The moral of this story is:
"Always tell the truth and you'll
never get screwed."
APE SHIT
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with
straps.
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front
of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet
he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at
the pretty lady in the pink Dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips
and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited,
making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let
one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him,"
he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the
cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
"Now. Tell him you have a
headache."
(8o
Gimme Some of Dat Ole Time Religion.
There once
was a jolly old priest
who was hornier
than a wild beast
the sins of his mind
into some lads behind
were often from his soul released
Texas church organist
There was a church down in Texas that had a very big-busted
organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she
played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said
something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organ
One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her
to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they
would! shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons
though because they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and you
won't be able to talk properly for a while. She agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit
and said
"Dew to thircumsthanthis
bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday
Jesus and Moses Golf Match
They come to the eight tee. Par 3, 196 yards with a water
hazard just in front of the green.
Since Jesus birdied the seventh, he has first shot. He pulls
an eight iron out of his bag.
Moses arches an eyebrow.
"Yo, Jesus," Moses starts. "Don't you think it's a better idea
to pull a seven iron, maybe even a six. You've gotta clear the water."
"Relax," Jesus replies. "I saw Tiger Woods do this."
He addresses the ball and takes a whack. The ball makes a
beautiful, straight rainbow of a shot, then falls in the water directly in front
of the green.
Moses grabs has putter, walks to the water's edge, raises his
arms, parts the water, and retrieves Jesus' ball.
"OK, that's a Mulligan," says Moses. "Use the seven."
Jesus is a little annoyed. "No! I saw Tiger Woods make this
shot! I know it can be done."
He takes another swing. Again, the ball flies beautifully, and
lands just as beautifully. In the water.
Moses shrugs. "I'm not going to go get it!"
Jesus walks over to the hazard, steps onto the surface of the
water, and starts looking down to look for his ball.
Meanwhile, the following party comes up to the tee, waiting
their turn. They notice Jesus walking on the water hazard.
"Who does he think he is?" one of the golfers asks, "Jesus
Christ?"
"Nope," Moses answers as he starts loosening up with a seven
iron.
"He thinks he's Tiger Woods."
He's Late!
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25
years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation
was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He
was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first
confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The
very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television
set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He
had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair
with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was
appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that
and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.".....
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived
full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation
and gave his talk.
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,"
said the politician.
"In fact, I had the honor of being
the first person to go to him for confession."
The kindergarten teacher asked the students in her class to
bring something related to their families' religions to class the next day.
She asked for volunteers to show what they had brought to the
rest of the class. One boy came forward and said,
"I am Muslim, and this is my prayer rug."
Another child came forward and said,
"I am Jewish, and this is my Star of David."
Another came forward and said, "I am Catholic, and this is my
Rosary."
The last little boy came forward and said,
"I am Southern Baptist, and this is
my Collection Dish."
A man who was upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit
a church and confess all of his sins.
When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession
area and spoke to the pastor.
"Father, I am sinful."
"Yes my son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will
forgive you."
"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's
been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited
her house; nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I screwed
her."
"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake."
"Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but
nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I screwed her too."
"That's not very good of you."
"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for
her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I screwed her too."
"Father? ......... Father?"
suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the
Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there. So he began
searching for him. "Father? Where are you?"
He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding
under the table behind the piano. "Father, why are you hiding here?"
"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around
here except me."
(8o
Toronto Businessmen
Two small business men in Toronto are sitting in their soon to
be new store. As of now the store is bare with just a few shelves. One says to
the other "I bet you 5 dollars that any minute a newfie is going to walk by put
his face to the window and ask what we are selling"
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when sure enough a
curious Newfie walks to the window, has a peak and asked
"what are ya sellin here byes?"
One of the business men (trying to be a smart ass) says..
"Oh..we're selling assholes here" as he
laughs.
With that the Newfie replies "Well I see you're doing really
well,
you've only got two left"!
Dear Kotex,
I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my panty liner had a bunch of
"Kotex Tips for Life" on it. Annoying advice such as:
*Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.
*Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.
*Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh.
*Try Kotex blah blah blah other products...
Obviously the individual behind this was someone who has never possessed a
functioning set of ovaries.
Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman that drinking 6-8 glasses of water
will help keep her feeling fresh. Like we need more fluid inside our bloated
bodies from hell... but go ahead... I triple-dog-friggen-dare-ya... See what
happens and report back. I'll wait.
While your at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate from
the vending machine. I garan-friggen-tee that the first responders will be
females who just ovulated.
Staying active will relieve headaches and cramps... well guess what, the only
activities that interest me is eating... sleeping... bitching or crying for no
apparent reason.. and oh... does ripping someone's head off count as a friggen'
activity???
Look, females don't need or want tips for living on their feminine hygiene
products. Younger girls are already hearing "helpful" crap like that from
elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes for
survival, many containing alcohol and barbituates.
Printing out crap advice while sneaking in ads for the brand that was already
purchased is just plain annoying, not to mention rude, and is enough to send a
girl running to the Always brand. It's not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer
us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products
or the packaging.
Put the crap in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts
discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer. There is nothing more
annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to
everyone in the store. Why don't ya just add an in-store microphone to the damn
package and announce that... hellooooo, another female in the store is on the
rag!!!
So take your tips for living and your cute bunnies and the smiley faces and
shove them right up your ass.
P. S. How about adding a free sample of Pamprin and maybe a shot of Bourbon
to your packages instead?
Hoof 'n' Mouth or Punt the Cunt Disease?
Jeff walks into the bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over
the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what is wrong.
"Well", said Paul, "You know that beautiful girl who I wanted
to ask out, but I got a raging hard-on every time I saw here?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well, I finally got up the courage to ask here out and she
agreed," said Paul.
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her tonight," continued Paul, "but I was
worried I'd get a hard-on so I duct taped my dick to my leg."
"And," says Jeff.
"I got to her door and rang the doorbell. She answered the
door bare ass naked!"
Join in the poll and submit your questions
to Miss Mackie
Miss Mackie is now a feature on the main page so you can get
to her columns at any time.
PRICELESS
I'd Like to Get Into Your Shorts!
Know where you can find sympathy?
In the dictionary, somewhere between 'shit' and 'syphilis'.
Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two
o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.
What do you get if you
cross a donkey with an onion?
Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears, but
every once in awhile, you get lucky, and get a piece of ass that brings tears to
your eyes.
“Will you tell the court how far you were from the spot where
the shooting occurred?” asked a defense lawyer.
“I was exactly ten feet, two-and-one-half inches,” replied the
witness.
“How can you be sure of the exact distance?” asked the lawyer.
“I carefully measured it because I was sure sooner or later
some fool would ask that question.”
"More Americans can name the three stooges than the three
branches
of government. Well, that's because the three stooges are more
likely to get something done."
David Letterman
You know you're
staying in a redneck motel, when you call up the front desk to say you gotta
leak in the sink, and the guy says, "Go ahead."
The NSA offers
exciting work for recent graduates in computer science. Pick up the phone, call
your mom, and ask for an application."
Lecturing a class of
coeds on the anatomical intricacies of the male reproductive organ, the
exasperated professor finally declared, "I don't know why you girls can't grasp
this subject. You've had it pounded into you all semester."
Girl: Do you believe in puppy love?
Boy: I tried it once, but their assholes are too small.
Dating two sisters is a pretty hard task, especially when they
both live in the same convent.
Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it is 20%
off.
Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua.
But on each run, he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street
corner, day after day. With some apprehension he would brace himself as he
approached her for what was most certainly to follow. "Fifty dollars!" she would
shout from the curb.
"No, Five dollars!" fired back Clinton. This ritual between
Bill and the hooker continued for days. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty
dollars!" And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!"
One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany
her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the problematic street
corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would
wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He realized he
should have a darn good explanation for the junior Senator.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the
corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was
the hooker. Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair
jog past.
Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled, "See what you get
for five bucks?"
(8o
INTERMISSION TIME
We
all have to take a BR breaks but don't worry, I am never too far away from my
computer.
Be sure to visit great sites or
lists at the end and on the home page
to give the Campfire a boost. You know, it's kinda like apes do. I pick your
fleas and you pick mine.
My job is full of heartaches and no
wonder I am blue,
It's terrible the awful things that
I'm supposed to do.
And if it
wasn't for the fact that I'm a virtuous miss,
I wouldn't
have the nerve to even finish this.
I had no way
of knowing the way the shop men talk,
But now a
dozen times a day my modesty is shocked.
The fellows
crowd around me like a lot of crazy fools,
Until they
have me dizzy handing out their gosh darn tools.
I don't mind
the decent tools, like wrenches, drills and shears,
But what
some fellows ask for makes me red behind the ears.
The man
repairing bearings comes and asks to see my balls,
And then he
laughs and stares at me until the next man calls.
They ask for
cocks to fit on pipes, for counter bores and tits,
And when
they ask me for a screw, it scares me into fits,
They come
and ask for reamers to enlarge their small holes,
They're
driving me plumb crazy; darn their rotten souls.
They ask me
for a ratchet bit and for bastard files.
They always
make dirty cracks as through the screen they smile.
They ask me
for a female gauge, and it's a sad, sad, tale,
Because I
can't tell the damn things from a male.
One fellow
finds his tool too short, another is too long,
The next one
says his tool is weak, another one's too strong.
One fellow
asked me for waste to wipe a plumber's cock,
And when I
nearly fainted, all he did was gawk.
A foreman
looking 'round one day for tools to cut a slot,
Said "Open
up your drawers, girl, and show me what you got."
Another came
up to me as I returned from lunch,
And asked me
with a grin, if I had seen his big prick punch.
And speaking
of embarrassment, never shall I forget,
The day the
pay man asked, "Have you a monthly yet?"
Now how the
hell was I to know he meant my monthly check;
By the time
they saved him, I'd darned near broke his neck.
I hate to be
a quitter, folks will say I lack the guts,
But if I
stay another, day this place will drive me nuts.
I really
want to do my bit, and that's no doggone bull,
But you can
have this tool room job; I've got my belly full.
Unknown Author
Jack's Phone Number
Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for
Jack?" Operator: "I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Blond Caller: "On page 1 section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I
need to unplug the fax machine from the AC Wall Socket and Telephone Jack before
cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
This young blonde brought her child into Children's Hospital
for a routine checkup. On the records, the nurse saw that the child's first name
was Urine (pronounced Urin-ie). Not wanting to be rude, but wanting to know why
this woman would name her child this, the nurse asked her how Urine got her
name.
The blonde woman explained:
"Well, my baby was born premature and had to stay in the
special nursery. She was real sick and they didn't know if she would make it. I
couldn't decide what to name her, but the nurses said they would pray for her.
One day I came in and the nurses had already named her. There was this paper on
her incubator that said
'Please save Urine,' so I knew that they had divinely named my
baby."
A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm.
She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that pig?"
The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"
A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a
bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over
her. The blonde sputters then says,
"Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've hit me right
in the face!!!"
(8o
Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A: She kept having affairs with men!
A newlywed husband had to go on a business trip, and hated to
leave his gorgeous, sexy blonde wife alone. The night before he left, he brought
home a vibrator and gave it to her.
"What's this for?" she asked.
"It's for those lonely nights when you miss me," explained her
husband, winking. "Just think of it as something to take my place when you get
horny."
A week later, hubby returns home, and finds the vibrator in
the garbage. "Honey," he says, "why did you throw it away? I told you, you
should use it in my place when I'm gone."
"I did," she said. "But the darned
thing rattled my fillings loose."
Did they change something I don't know about?
I've been in the dark all these years :-o
Just When You Thought You Were Safe
LONDON (Reuters) - A blind man who was convicted of dangerous
driving after he admitted being behind the wheel of a car that touched 35 mph
was given a three-month suspended sentence on Monday.
Omed Aziz was also banned from driving for three years at
Warley magistrates' court in Oldbury, West Midlands.
Aziz, 31, who lost his eyes after an explosion in his homeland
of Iraq, had been driving by following instructions on where to steer and when
to brake from a passenger who himself had been banned from driving.
When police stopped the Peugeot 405 in April this year after
it had erratically negotiated two traffic islands and a corner, Aziz's passenger
explained that his friend was blind.
When Aziz, who is also partially deaf, was asked to step out
of the car and remove his sunglasses, the officer was surprised to see he did
not have any eyes, the court heard earlier this month.
In his defense Aziz, who also suffers from leg tremors and has
only two fingers on his right hand, said he was testing his driving abilities.
LMAO, Testing his driving abilities?
I suppose the next stop was the NASCAR circuit.
Liberty, Ohio, police
officer Bradley L. Sebastian, tired of waiting for his food order at Denny's,
stormed into the kitchen, held his gun to the cook's head, and told her he would
kill her if she didn't hurry up.
I wonder what he would have done if it was Dunkin Donuts instead of Denny's.
Organized crime is
estimated to account for 10% of the United States' national income.
This is bullshit folks. They are not accounting for our elected criminals. I
would say it is more like 60 percent.
A true story?
My Sister-in-law is the chief EMT in a small town in Southern
Indiana.
She was on duty one night when there came a call of a
"domestic disturbance". The custom was that an ambulance was dispatched to
accompany all of these calls received by the police. She arrived just behind the
policeman. When they got out of their vehicles, a woman's voice could be heard
screaming from inside the back of the house. The policeman broke open the front
door, and the screaming intensified.
As they ease their way through the house to the master bedroom
the screaming kept getting louder and louder. When they opened the bedroom door,
the first thing they saw as a naked woman, spread eagle on the bed and tied hand
and foot to the four corners of the bed. The lady saw the policeman and my
sister-in-law, and shut up, and then started babbling.
At this point my sister-in-law was the first to see him.
Laying at the foot of the bed, was a naked man, dressed only in a Batman cape
and head piece. He was unconscious and bleeding from a wound above his left eye.
When he was rolled over, he was recognized as the mayor, and the lady was not
his wife. When it was sorted out, they were participating in some sex role
playing. And, when the mayor got up on the end of the bed, he had been struck in
the head by the ceiling fan, knocked unconscious, the lady thought he had been
killed, and had started screaming because she did not want to lay there forever.
The mayor begged, pleaded, and ordered that no one talk. But,
a few days later when he stopped in to a local dinner for breakfast, the
customers began humming the Batman theme.
Serves him right for not taking
Alfred and Robin with him for a little action. Fuckin' super heroes always look
out for themselves when it comes to some pie. Case in point; Superman was
banging Lois and Lana Lang, the redhead. Jimmy was doing all the stumping for
Clark and not one time did Jimmy get in on Superman's action. Cub reporter my
ass. He was nothing but a flunky.
Down with bastard, elitist super
heroes.
Signs, Signs, Everywhere a Sign
SCREW THIS!
Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button.
In its place was a golden screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was
nothing they could do. Like it or not, he was stuck with it.
All the years of growing up was real tough on him, as all who
saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house and thus, never
made any friends.
One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a
swami in Tibet that could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The
next day he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal.
After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a
giant monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. He was told to sleep in
the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the
screw would have been removed.
The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During
the night, while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window, bearing in
its mist, a golden screwdriver. In just moments, the screwdriver removed the
screw and disappeared out of the window.
The next morning when the boy woke, he saw the golden screw
laying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there
was no screw there! Jubilant, he leaped out of bed, but in seconds, his butt
fell off.
The moral to this is, "Don't screw
around with things you don't understand or you'll lose your ass."
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular
Contractions" to his first year medical students.
Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the
Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you
know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
On a knoll
a young maiden named Molly
Her innocence
lost through young folly
His name was Sing Chum
And too soon he did cum
And all he could say was "I'm solly!"
How to you know when
you are upside down in an airplane?
When you can feel the
shit oozing out your collar.
-
hacked - Diebold voting machines not included.
