Welcome to the Campfire Comedy.....Today's Kudos,  Dale,  Janette,  Teresa,  Lyle,  Ida

 

October 24, 2004

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I would like to thank everyone that has helped my get things back after my crash. I don't know what I would do with all you great people out there.

Thank You Sincerely,

Bill

 

 

You anal beads don't get it. Wang Chung is a singer. Anyways you don't deserve to have fun after you crashed my puter by going to porn sites and downloading scumware.

 

 

ADULT WARNING If adult material is not what you like, hit the back button, take a hike Adult material down below If you're under 18 ya gotta go

 

 

 

 

 

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My shrink needs the hundred and twenty five an hour.

 

 

 ^{Put a}

~~~~(8o

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KEWL FLASH

Two new movies this week

 

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~~~~(8o

 

 

 

If laughs are what you seek,

Split right now, take a leak

CAUSE IT'S

Time to break out with those genuine smiles. Meet the newest member of the smile team.

We should all learn something from him.

Like supporting controversial gingival cell research LOL.

Right click and refresh to get random jokes.

~~~~(8o

SNORT lol

Let's get this crap out of the way real quick.

Well all you sick puppies out there. I hope you got your corn shots. If not help is one the way from those dastardly Canadian corn companies that were unable to sell corn to the US before.

Makes you wonder why the flip flop doesn't it?

"Stevie Wonder is playing a gig in Tokyo

 He's just finished playing his Seventies classic Sir Duke. The crowd is still going wild when a young Japanese man at the front says,

"Stevie Wonder, you play a jazz chord, you play a jazz chord!"

So Stevie plays an F# minor on his keyboard and goes off on a jazz riff.

The Japanese man says,

"No Stevie Wonder, you play a jazz chord!"

So Stevie tries an A and off he goes with the band on this amazing improvised moment.

When he's finished, the lad says,

"No Stevie, a jazz chord, a jazz chord!"

By now old Stevie is a little confused. He says to the fan,

"What do you mean, play a jazz chord? I've just done 2 for you..?"

"But it best song of Stevie Wonder! It bery famous!" comes the reply.

 "OK, well how does it go then?" inquires the blind musical genius.

The young Japanese man clears his throat and starts to sing:

"A jazz chord......to say, I ruv you..."

The author of this joke must be "Very Stupid-ticious."

We painted our floor with luminous paint. So now the florescent what it used to be.

This author's bulb burned out years ago.

Police are searching for a thief who robs his victims by threatening them with a lighted match.

They want to catch him before he strikes again.

I think he should keep his match lit so the author of this joke can take another toke off his crack pipe.

Ok guys give me your honest opinion of this crap and don't forget where the mops are.

Did you know the average male is 6 inches long, and the average

female is 8 inches deep?

So in New York City alone there is over 2 miles of unused pussy!

Personally I think they should set up a pussy reserve just like the oil reserves because you never know when you might be threatened by lack of foreign pussy.

~~~~(8o

One day, a mother walks by her young son's room and sees little Johnny masturbating. Later, she has a talk with him and tells him that good little boys save it until they are married.

A few weeks later, the mom is having another talk with little Johnny. "How are you doing with that problem we talked about,
dear?" she asks.

Little Johnny cheerfully replies,

"Great! So far, I've saved nearly a quart!"

In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it's most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave. This year the two lucky patients were Patty and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for her questioning.

When Patty came into the office, she was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor. "Patty, you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin. Patty nodded, and the doctor began to question her.

The first question was this: "Patty, if I was to poke out one of your eyes, what would happen?" "I would be half blind of course," Patty answered without much thought. "What would happen if I poked out the other eye?" "I would be completely blind," said Patty knowing that she had just gotten her freedom. The doctor then sent her outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike's files.

When Patty got into the waiting room however, she told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were. The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty. "Mike, the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?" "I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told.

This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking. "Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?" "I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.

But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly,

"Me hat would fall down over me eyes."

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.

"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."
 

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said,

"Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."
 

~~~~(8o

Here's a truly heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time..  

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next-door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here
and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a 'pay' envelope containing a couple of dollars.
 
The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the
appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew
building the house next door to us."

My goodness gracious," said the teller,
"and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fucking sheet rock."

Kinda brings a tear to my eye.

There once was a queen of Bulgaria

Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,

Till a prince from Peru

Who came up for a screw

Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.

 Saint Peter had a terrible cold and fever and didn't think he would last the day minding the Pearly Gates of Heaven. So he phoned Jesus to ask for the day off.

"Why, Peter," Jesus said. "You know your health is my first concern. Take as much time as you need."

As Jesus pondered who he might use to replace Peter, he decided to handle the job himself. It was a very slow day and no one approached the Gates until late in the afternoon, when in the distance, Jesus saw a bent, white-haired old man slowly making his way up the path with the aid of a gnarled cane.

As the man neared, Jesus said, "Good afternoon, sir. How may I
help you?"

"Well," replied the man, "I was hoping to enter the Gates of Heaven."

"We would certainly love to have you," said Jesus, "but we do
have certain rules as to who can enter Heaven. Tell me, what have you done to deserve such an honor?"

"Actually, I have done nothing so wonderful myself," said the man. "I lived in a small town and led a simple life as a carpenter. But my son," he continued, "now HE was special !"

With pride in his voice he said, "I raised him to be a carpenter
like myself and did my best to teach him right from wrong. And
when he grew older, an amazing transformation overcame him and to this day he's known throughout the world and loved by all alike."

As Jesus listened to the story, a sense of recognition came to him. With a lump in his throat and a tear in his eye, he threw open his arms and cried, "Father!"

Emotional at this outburst, the old man threw open his arms and
yelled, "Pinocchio!"

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shy, walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

What type of bra?" asked the clerk.Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied
"There are the Catholic,
the Salvation Army,
the Presbyterian, and
the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...

The Catholic type supports the masses.

The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and

The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."
 

These two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again.

They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.

They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him,

 "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year."

The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.

The guys asked "What's that board for?"

The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this."

They said, "No way! We've sworn off women for life!" The trader said, "Well. take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year. "Okay," they said and left.

The next year this guy came into the trader's store and said "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year." The trader said "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?"

"Yeah" said the guy.

"Where is he?" asked the trader.

"I shot him" said the guy.

"Why?"

"I caught him in bed with my board!"

We trash em all . Of course some of them make for better writing and a few deserve it. :-).

Two candidates for political office inadvertently scheduled simultaneous campaign rallies in the same park of a small Northern Michigan town. After a lengthy round of speeches, the candidates worked their way through the crowd - shaking hands, kissing babies and beaming mightily. Suddenly, the skies opened and it began to rain.

One of the candidates fled to take shelter in a nearby restaurant along with half a dozen regulars. The other candidate, however, continued to move through the crowd - shaking hands, kissing babies, etc.

"That man's persistence is a wonder," observed one person who was native American, "sure makes it easy to know whom should be Chief."

"Yep," another native agreed. "Sure can't see myself casting a vote for a man who hasn't the good sense to come in out of the rain."

After numerous rounds of  "We don't even know if Osama is still alive,"

Osama himself decided to send George W. a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message: 370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA.

No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA
and the Secret Service.

FINALLY---they asked Canada's RCMP for help.

Within 5 minutes the Mounties emailed the White House this message:

"Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down!"

~~~~(8o

That's just about right.

Ah, isn't that so sweet. I wonder who gets to be on top.

1. Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere. Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.

2. Republicans consume three-fourths of all the rutabaga produced in this country. The remainder is thrown out.

3. Republicans usually wear hats and always clean their paint brushes.

4. Democrats give their worn-out clothes to those less fortunate. Republicans wear theirs.

5. Republicans employ exterminators. Democrats step on the bugs.

6. Democrats name their children after currently-popular sports figures, politicians, and entertainers. Republican children are named after their parents or grandparents, according to where the money is.

7. Democrats keep trying to cut down on smoking but are not successful. Neither are Republicans.

8. Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom any reason why they should. Democrats ought to, but don't.

9. Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper. Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.

10. Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car windows by Democrats.

11. Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians, and eyebrows. Democrats raise Airedales, kids, and boners.

12. Democrats eat the fish they catch. Republicans hang them on the wall.

13. Republican boys date Republican girls. They plan to marry Democrat girls, but feel that they're entitled to a little fun first.

14. Democrats make plans and then do something else. Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.

15. Republicans sleep in twin beds--some even in separate rooms. That is why there are more Democrats.

~~~~(8o

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
 

"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."

A doctor at a major hair-loss institute in England now says the best

way to avoid going bald: drink a lot of alcohol.

They say drinking alcohol to excess increases hair growth.

This could be true. When was the last time you saw a bald Kennedy?

Now that times are hard and wages are low there is one thing you can do to save a few of your hard earned bucks.

Grow your own dope! Plant a politician.

A man walks into a brothel and approaches a beautiful Oriental prostitute and asks? 

"Is it true Asian women have vaginas that run sideways?"

"Why?" she asks, "Are you a harmonica player?"

Two friends meet each other on the street. "hello! Where are you coming from?" asked Bill. "Oh, don't ask me! I'm coming from the cemetery. I just buried my mother-in-law" replied Sid. "I'm so sorry!" said Bill, "But why is your face scratched all over?". "It wasn't so easy!" said Sid, "She put on a hell of a fight!"

What's the difference between meat and fish?

If you beat your fish, it'll die.
 

"Did you know that 66 percent of Americans can't do
basic math?

Isn't That's almost half?
 

~~~~(8o

Q. What do you get if you cross an Apple with a Nun?

A. A computer that will never go down on you!

A couple was getting ready to go to a Halloween party but the wife had a terrible headache. She told her husband to go anyway. After a short argument he agreed, and she took some aspirin and went to bed.

Later she awoke and felt great, so she decided to go to the party and see what her hubby did when she wasn't around. As soon as she arrived, she noticed him on the dance floor getting very friendly with every hottie in the place, and groping them when he could.

She then cut in and rubbed close to him until his pants started to bulge. When the song ended, he leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Let's go outside." So the two costumed characters snuck off and occupied themselves in one of the parked cars and commenced to bang away.

Midnight was to be the unveiling of the party-goers, so she slipped out and went home before the clock struck twelve.

When he got home she asked, "How was the party? Did you meet any interesting people?"

He replied, ''You know my, dear. I don't have a good time when you're not with me. I ran into a few friends and we ended up in the basement playing poker. It wasn't very fun at all. But the guy I loaned my costume to had the time of his life!"

INTERMISSION

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Take The Tribal Vows to Smile

Be sure to visit great comedy sites at the end and give the Campfire a boost. You know it's kinda like the baboons do. I pick your fleas you pick mine LOL.

Two features today

If you are not returned to this spot use the bookmark menu on the left and select Kewl Flash link.

Penis breath, a lover's dread

Is what you get when you give head

Unpleasant as it tends to be

Be grateful that he doesn't pee

It's times like this, you wonder why

you bothered reaching for his fly

But it's too late, can't be a tease

Accept the facts, get on your knees

You know you've got a job to do

So open wide and shove it through

Lick the tip then take it all

Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl

Slide up and down, use your tongue

And feel the precum start to run

So when the fuck's he gonna cum

Just, when you can't take anymore

You hear your lover's mighty roar

And when he hits that real high note

You feel it oozing down your throat

Salty, fishy, sticky, yucky stuff

Okay, already that's enough

Let's switch you say, before you gag

And what's your revenge, your on the rag.

~~~~(8o

.

A bartender is preparing to open for the night when he hears a knock at  the door, he opens the door and a beautiful blonde is standing there.

She says, "I'm shy could I get a drink before you open?"

So he lets her in. "What`ll it be?"

"Twenty-five whiskeys please. Just line 'em up."

He is shocked that she would want so much, but he fills them and he  watches her down the lot one by one. She then collapsed on the floor.

The bartender looks over the bar, not bad he thinks and takes her upstairs. When he has had enough he goes back down to open up.

It's a really busy night and to boost business he sells the girl for a twenty bucks per go.

Everyone wants a turn, and he makes a fortune.

When he has closed up, he takes the girl and puts her outside the door  where she first came from and he counts his profits.

The next night at the same time the doorbell rings again so he answers  and the girl is back.

He can't believe his luck.  Inviting her in he asks,

"Twenty five whiskeys again, Darlin'?"

"Oh no," she replies, "vodka please."

"Whiskey makes my pussy sore."
 

* She thought a quarterback was a refund.

* She thought General Motors was in the army.

* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."

* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.

* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

* She tripped over a cordless phone.

* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."

* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."

* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

* She studied for a blood test.

* She sold the car for gas money.

* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.

* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.

* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

* She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

Q. What do blondes use for protection during sex?

A. Bus Shelters.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?

A. Occasionally you have trouble getting the legs apart on an ironing board.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and the titanic ?

A. You know how many men went down on the titanic.

Q. Why do blondes use tampons with long strings?

A. So the crabs can go bungee jumping.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?

A. You can dump your load in a washing machine without it following you around whining for a week.

Q. Why don't blondes like pickles?

A. They can't get their head in the jar.

Q. What do blondes and computers have in common?

A. You don't know what you are missing until they go down on you.

Q. Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?

A. She kept having affairs with men

Q. What do you say to a blonde with no arms or legs?

A. "Nice tits!"
 

Q. What's the irritating part around a blonde's vagina?

A. The blonde!
 

Q: Why do blondes have bruises around their belly-buttons?

A: Because blonde guys aren't too smart either.

Oh boy do some of those call for hate mail or what? LOL.

A young blonde woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells condoms.

He replies,

"Yes we do. What size would you like?"

The blonde responds,

"Oh, just mix them up, I am not going steady with anyone right now."

One day, a blonde who lived on the 12th floor of a high-rise apartment building was out on her balcony, flapping the bed sheets to air them out, when suddenly a great gust of wind caught the sheets and sent her over the edge, plummeting to her death.

Without warning, a man on the 10th floor balcony stuck his arms out into the air, catching the woman.

Delirious from shock, the woman shouted, "Oh, thank you! You saved my life, thank you!"

The man replied, "Do you suck?"

Stunned at this, the woman said, "No, I don't suck!"

And with that, the man let go of her.

"Shit!" the woman thought as she began to plummet again. Suddenly, another set of arms grabbed her at the 9th floor.

"Thank God!" she screamed. "I would have died if it weren't for you!"

The man asked, "Do you fuck?"

Absolutely aghast, the woman answered, "No, I don't fuck!"

Once again, the arms that held her safe were no longer there. Falling again, the woman thought that she would surely die. Just then, a set of arms stretched out from the 7th floor.

Not believing her luck, the woman shouted, "I suck! I fuck!"

"Slut," the man said, and dropped her.

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:

Man: What's the problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh  Harry, you never wear your seat belt.

Man: Shut your mouth, woman!

Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?

Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
 

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.

"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"

"11" he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."

"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."

He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant.
"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
 

A toothsome young starlet named Smart

was asked to display oral art

as the price for a role.

She complied, met his goal

and then sank her teeth in the part.

I dreamed I drank the worlds largest margarita and when I woke up there was salt on the toilet seat........

Thank God I decided not to eat the worm!!!

~~~~(8o

One for the Ladies LOL

Ladies, don't burn your fingers but this is for you....

Pet his buns for the gee SPOT

Sorry, this item has been discontinued.

THIS IS THE CHIEF TALKING MEN.

Man your stations and be ready to fire when you see the pink of their.........

REACH OVER AND GIVE THAT BOOTY A PAT

FOR THE MEN'S LOCKER

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Funny, how American are you quiz.

What you always wanted to know about scrotums LOL

Taking my country back, country song

Torture Bush or Kerry

Tramps just wanna have fun

World Odometer of events

Bring them all back home safely.

This is not to slight any other country that has stood by. We wish for the safety of all involved.

Yesterday is a canceled check
Tomorrow is a promissory note,
Today is the only cash you have
so spend it wisely
- KAY LYONS -

Something current government officials should heed.
 

Always look below here :-) to the end.

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