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Campfire Comedy
Nov 10, 2004 If you use AOL and think this page is old go back to the opening page and hit the refresh button or better yet use Internet Explorer to view this site.
The producers of The Ed Sullivan Show asked the band to change the line "Girl we couldn't get much higher" for their appearance in 1967. Morrison said he would, but sung it anyway. Afterwards, he told Sullivan that he was nervous and simply forgot to change the line. This didn't fly, and The Doors were never invited back. Something we should never lose is our freedom of expression in words or song.
"When you go home, Tell them of us and say, For their tomorrow, We gave our today. The Kohima Epitaph
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| With the cost of living going up all the local pimps have had to raise their prices. Of course they did not like it when Uncle Sam stepped in and asked for a raise too. This put a big bite into their profit margin and Leroy's reaction to this is natural.
But at least he has the Campfire to cheer him up.
The administration of this particular elementary
school decided to start a more inclusive policy on which words were "bad" words.
Among those initiated to the category was "suck"
(when not referring to the principle of suction).
One day a child came up to the teacher to inform her that one of the other students had said a bad word. "What was the bad word he said?" asked the teacher. "I can't say it." "It's ok to tell me, you won't get in trouble for it." "No, it's too bad, I don't want to say it" "Well I have to know what he said in order to punish him. Can you tell me what it is without saying it?" "Well... it rhymes with 'fuck'"
Let's get this crap out of the way real quick before I puke.
Two lesbians walk into a house of ill repute. They ask for the youngest woman in the joint. The Madame says that she will not allow the youngest girl any time with them. The lesbians make the demand again, "We want the youngest girl here!" The Madame says, "No. I refuse to serve minors to lickers."
Roger had set a double date for himself and his friend Troy. Roger said, "Troy, I'll give you first choice. Let me tell you what they're like." "Okay," said his buddy. "Sandra has kind of a dumpy figure. She's short on looks, but she gives an incredible blowjob. Suzie is pretty and has a perfect pair of legs, which she shows off by wearing shoes with very high heels." "Say no more," interrupted Troy. "I'll go for head over heels anytime."
Talk about head over heels I think the author of this joke has flipped out!!!!!
A construction company was clearing and leveling land
in preparation for a building, and in the process of turning up earth
discovered an oversized, coffin-shaped box. They foreman directed the
lid to be pried off, and inside was Beethoven! He was totally surrounded
by stacks of books and papers, and with a huge eraser he was madly
erasing page after page of hand-written musical scores. In shock, the foreman cried out, "What are you
doing!?!?" Beethoven calmly replied, "I, my dear sir, am decomposing."
Quick close the damn lid and take the author with you.
I wonder when we will start getting some fresh crops of corn in from Iraq. After all we are paying a big price for it. Of course I wonder if corn would grow in oil soaked sand? So how was this crop my little pukes?
Chivalry has changed from the days of Sir Walter Raleigh, but contrary to rumor, it hasn't died out altogether: A man will still lay his coat at the feet of a pretty girl; the difference is that nowadays it's intended to keep her back from getting dirty.
Doctor Bloomfield, who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis, had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within 5 minutes walking completely erect with her head held high. A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?" "He gave me a longer cane."
BURLINGTON, Iowa - A psychiatrist wasn't pleased with having to pay for a parking ticket. According to police, Ronald Preston McPike, was so upset about the 50 dollar fine that he smeared excrement on the money that he used to pay for his ticket. He was charged with harassment of a public official and plead not guilty. Police say that they received an envelope labeled "Foreign brown substance on bills" and contained his ticket. McPike claims the money fell in a toilet and was retrieved to pay the ticket. If convicted, McPike could face approximately 30 days of jail time and a $500 fine. Please don't squeeze the twenties
Psychoanalysis Tip How does the layperson determine if someone is nuts? Actually it is usually fairly simple. Probably it is the same way we can tell who the nuts are that walk around freely everywhere in out communities. Just ask them. Are you nuts? If they take your question seriously, they probably are.
In House Psychiatrist's Memo
Just last week a guy told me that President Bush was working in secret on his pending release but this damned war was holding his work up. He also claimed that his mother had been waiting down front for three years for him to leave. I checked his expiration date and it was some forty-five years from now. His mother called me and confided that her son had some mental problems. I would think so. Besides Bush would have just had him electrocuted.
THE STROKE While visiting his niece, elderly Uncle Geezer had a serious stroke. The niece drove wildly to get him to the emergency room. After what seemed like a very long wait, the E. R. doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face. Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid that your uncle's brain is dead, but his heart is still beating." "Oh, dear," cried the niece, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock, "We've never had a Politician in the family before."
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father." The little boy replied, "My daddy doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many." The boy said, "My dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way." The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds!" and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."
A man was visiting his elderly neighbor and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The neighbor asked, "When did you bag him?" The old man said proudly, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife & Mother-in-Law." "What's he stuffed with?" asked the neighbor. "My 'ex'-Mother-in-Law," replied the old man.
Use your mouse to play with the NIP
THE RED,
I have had things about both parties here but since this section will be replaced next issue it is time to throw a little: Presidential Bash Then move on. If you would like to see a certain type of section to replace this one email me.
A special thanks from the born again moral right Prez to his faithful flock LOL
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." ~~~Barbara Bush Former US First Lady~~~
Yea, at least it was a little more humorous than: "Why should we hear about body bags and deaths, Oh, I mean, it's not relevant. So why should I waste my beautiful mind on something like that?"
I could see ABC commentators rolling on
the floor on that one.
"The elephant is the perfect symbol for Republicans: they never forget, lead each other around by the tail, and think everyone should work for peanuts."
But I heard...................
"The Republican National Committee has announced it's changing the emblem of the Republican Party - from an elephant to a condom. The Republican National Chairman explained that the condom more clearly reflects the Party's current stance ... owing to the fact that a condom accepts inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed. Please make certain your Republican friends make the appropriate changes on any of their future campaign literature."
Q: What are "feminazis"? A: "Ugly women who can't get dates." - Rush Limbaugh Q: What is a "Rush Limbaugh"? A: "A fat man who can't get laid." - Feminazis
LOOKS LIKE THE MAJORITY OF NEW YORKERS AND JERSEY PEOPLE KNEW WHO WAS BEHIND 9/11
And a final parting shot to the Swift Boat Liars Just so they can sleep well knowing they were the best the Republican money could buy. Courtesy of the New York Times.
"If the Republicans will stop telling lies about the Democrats, we will stop telling the truth about them." Adlai Stevenson (1900-1965)
I'd Like to Get Into Your Shorts
Do you suppose the inventor of the vibrator heard a voice that said, "If you build it, they will come."
President Bush and Vice President Cheney have officially conceded that Saddam Hussein did not have weapons of mass destruction. And today, the soldiers in Iraq said, 'Uh... Can we come home now?' Jay Leno
This guy was walking down the street and this hooker says, "Say, wanna have a good time?" "Sure," he says and they were off to the nearest motel. She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her. She says, "Is this the first pussy you seen since you crawled out of one?" The guy says, "Nope, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into."
What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you breathe through that little thing?
What's the definition of suspicion? A nun doing push ups in a cucumber field.
I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman,"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. I hate when that shit happens grrrrrrrr.
10 Things that Sound Dirty at Thanksgiving 10. "Talk about a huge breast!" 9. "It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?" 8. "Don't play with your meat." 7. "Just spread the legs open & stuff it in." 6. "I didn't expect everyone to come at once!" 5. "You still have a little bit on your chin." 4. "How long will it take after you stick it in?" 3. "You'll know it's ready when it pops up." 2. "That's the biggest one I've ever seen!" 1. "How long do I beat it before it's ready?"
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Two features today If you are not returned to this spot use the bookmark menu on the left and select Kewl Flash link.
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A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters. As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face. "Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses." "I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."
One day a brunette, a redhead and a blonde decide to go through their daughter's purses. So, the brunette goes through her daughter's purse and finds cigarettes. She says, "Oh my god, I'm so ashamed! My Daughter smokes." So, the redhead goes through her daughter's purse and finds an empty can of beer. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter drinks." So, finally, it's the blondes turn and she finds a used condom. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter has a penis."
A blonde was sick and tired of people making fun of her for being a blonde, so she decided to hang herself. A couple minutes later two men walk by and see her hanging by her wrists. "What are you doing." they ask her. So she replies "Hanging myself." The men are confused and asked "If you are hanging youself, you put the rope around your neck." The blond says "Duh....I tried that, I couldn't breath."
Q .. How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? A .. Knock on the door.
Q .. What is the blonde's highest ambition in life? A .. They want to be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.
Q.. What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? A.. Her IQ goes up.
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube." The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack." "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death." "Well, then we need a urine sample." "I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar." "Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line." "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm too drunk to do that."
Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?" First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..." Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown." Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks: "Does a fart have lumps?" The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!" "OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."
Ladies, don't burn your fingers but this is for you.... Pet his buns for the gee SPOT
THIS IS THE CHIEF TALKING MEN. Man your stations and be ready to fire when you see the pink of their.........
REACH OVER AND GIVE THAT BOOTY A PAT FOR THE MEN'S LOCKER
Funny Audio *****Join the Book Club LOL funny*****
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Not for those easily upset Nuclear War Looney Toons teaches the Internet
Bring them all back home safely.
This is not to slight any other country that has stood by us. We wish for the safety of all involved.
I would like to thank Senators Carl Levin, Debbie Stabenow and House Representative Dale Kildee Democrats of Michigan for fighting to keep the Veterans Hospitals from closing here in Southeast Michigan. The Veterans should be proud of you.
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You know you are getting old when you sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there and you know all the answers but nobody asks you questions.
*** Your brain has two sides. Left and right. The left part has nothing right in it, and the right has nothing left in it" *** Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege. *** "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods *** At the end of a busy week, my son asked me why I had had children. "I could never imagine my life without you guys," I replied. "But, Dad," he said, "you don't have a life." You know he's right and I hate him for reminding me LOL. *** Majority rule only works if you're also considering individual rights. Because you can't have five wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for supper. Larry Flynt
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