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Campfire Comedy
Nov 28, 2004 If you use AOL and think this page is old go back to the opening page and hit the refresh button or better yet use Internet Explorer to view this site.
You guys get on my nerves. Now that we have three million new illegal aliens in the US I should be able to find replacements for you anal beads pretty easy.
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KEWL FLASH Two new movies this week
CAMPFIRE CINEMA Two new videos this week
CAMPFIRE AUDIO One Funny Audio this week
Popcorn, soda and love shack keys not included.
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If laughs are what you seek, Split right now, take a leak
CAUSE IT'S
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| I just celebrated a birthday and I would like to thank all of you that sent me birthday wishes and bought me a really nice cake.
Almost looks good enough to eat LOL.
In this age of safe sex the need for condoms are a must but some people still have a difficult time buying them. Take my friend, Joe. Our local store carries condoms behind the counter and you need to ask the salesperson to get them. So Joe went up to the salesperson, but he was so nervous he could only ask where the straws were. So he bought the straws and left only to have to come back to buy his condoms. Again Joe came into the store and was still so nervous he could only ask where the tweezers were, so he bought a pair of tweezers and left. Joe once again had to go back and buy his condoms. He went up to the salesperson and said, in a low tone, "I need some condoms." The salesperson rang up the sale and said, "First you come in to buy straws, then to buy tweezers, and now to buy condoms." "What I want to know is..... are you going to suck it, pluck it, or fuck it?"
Let's get this crap out of the way real quick before I have a stomach aneurysm.
Q: What did the horny toad say to the frog? A: Rub it; Rub it!
Talk about rub it. The author of this crap is whacked.
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says "smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side then asks the lizard, "what's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "hey you!" The Monkey looks down and says "fuuuuuuck dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"
I know for damn sure the author had too much to drink.
Three kids are in school...a Mexican, a White, and a Black... The teacher tells them to make a sentence with liver and cheese. White kid says: "Gosh darn teacher...." "My mom made me a liver and cheese sandwich with all
my favorite ingredients and it was sooo delightful.
Very generous of my mother I must say"
Black kid says: "My daddy told my momma to go get the Government cheese and she didn't, so my daddy punched her in the liver..." Mexican kid says: "Some kids were trying to look under my sister's dress so I told the vatos "Hey Cabron!! Liver alone. Cheese my Sister!!!"
That was the wurst-liver joke I ever heard
I hate liverwurst almost as much as I hate doing this crap. What do you guys think of this week's crop?
Normally I avoid discussing any advice regarding buying or selling of stock, but I felt this is important enough to share and warn you since this explosive situation might prove to be yet another ENRON. Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks: American Can, Interstate Water, National Gas Company, Northern Tissue Company. I advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water and let go of your Gas. You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today and millions were wiped clean! It's a tough market out there . . . be careful!
A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks. He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now." "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires. He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food." Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like maybe a juicy steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "Naw, still not hungry." "Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."
After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind" and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the psychiatrist, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." And he refers the man to a witch doctor. The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says, "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned: after that, it will not work again for another year!" The guy goes home, and that night he is so excited and anxious to surprise his wife. He can't wait to go to bed. They get in bed and he says, "123", and just like magic, he gets an erection. His wife turns over and says, "'What did you say 123' FOR?"
80-year old Bessie bursts into the recreation room at the mental home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" A male resident in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a curtain. Psychiatrist: Pull yourself together!
"Oh doctor," moaned the woman to the psychiatrist. "Everyone calls me a nymphomaniac." "I understand," said the shrink. "But I'll be able to take better notes if you'll let go of my cock."
A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies: 1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!" 2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?" 3. "Can you hear me NOW?" 4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" 5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married." 6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?" 7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..." 8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!" 9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!" 10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity. 11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?" 12. "God, Now I know why I am not gay." And the best one of all... 13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there."
A minister was seated next to a Marine on a flight to Huntsville, Alabama.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Marine asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Marine then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down. The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!" The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick him square in his dumb ass. LOL
My cat had a good time watching the football games on Thanksgiving LOL
Miss Mackie answers your question about life and sex.
This weeks poll is for you men that dare to take part and you ladies that know what your old man would have answered if he dared to join in. The results will be published on the next issue.
I'd Like to Get Into Your Shorts
"You're not a true Boy Scout until you've eaten your first brownie."
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. he he that one I gotta see LOL
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "75 cents."
"Didn't you follow my advice about kissing your girlfriend when she least expects it?" asked the older brother. "Oh hell!" replied the younger sibling with the swollen eye. I thought you said 'where'."
The song says, there are fifty ways to leave your lover, but if you're in a hurry and don't have time to go through the 50 just get caught in bed with her sister. This usually a pretty foolproof exit and makes for a much shorter list.
A fifty year old woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?" The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care... I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old." The husband said, "What did he say about your 56 year old ass?" "Your name never came up," she replied.
A doctor, lawyer and a biker were sitting at a bar having a drink. After taking a drink of his martini the doctor says "My anniversary is coming up. For our anniversary I am buying my wife a diamond ring and a Mercedes Benz that way if she doesn't like the ring she will at least like the car and know that I still love her." After taking a drink of his scotch the lawyer says "My anniversary is coming up. For our anniversary I am buying my wife a pearl necklace and a trip to Europe that way if she doesn't like the necklace she will at least like the trip and know that I still love her." After taking a drink of his beer the biker says "My anniversary is coming up. For our anniversary I am buying my ole lady a T shirt and a dildo that way if she doesn't like the T shirt she can go fuck herself." LMAO
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Two features today If you are not returned to this spot use the bookmark menu on the left and select Kewl Flash link.
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"Miss Jones, we can't hire you as a model," the editor from the men's magazine explained. "It's obvious that your blonde hair isn't natural, since the hair between your legs is black." The model picked up a huge stack of magazines on the editor's desk and slammed it down on his fingers. "What the hell did you do that for!" he exploded. She smiled sweetly and said, "Look at your fingers. They're turning black, right? And they've only been banged once."
Q. Why do blondes like wearing black panties? A. It's a way for them to say, "In memory of those who were buried here"
Q. What do you give a blonde who has everything? A. Penicillin.
Q. What does a blonde have in common with the United States Army? A. They're open to any man between the ages of eighteen and thirty-five. Oh, oh we have to change that age to 47 now!
Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote? A :
Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? A: Data transfer.
A British Medical Association official warned that hospitals have recently become "inundated" with serious knife and broken-bottle injuries among barroom-brawling women. I guess you ladies have taken over the old drinking hole LOL
While ferrying workers back and forth from our offshore oil rig, the helicopter where I was lost power and went down. Fortunately, it landed safely in the lake. Struggling to get out, one man tore off his seat belt, inflated his life vest, and jerked open the exit door. "Don't jump!" the pilot yelled. "This thing is supposed to float!" As the man leapt from the helicopter into the lake, he yelled back, "Yeah, and it's supposed to FLY too!"
A 25-year-old driver was killed in St-Joachim, Quebec, on Sept. 24 when another car veered into his lane and hit him sending the car into a lake; police said the deceased was within his own lane but was distracted, in that he was apparently at the time engaged in sexual intercourse with a female passenger. (Having intercourse while driving, said a police spokesman, "makes driving that much more dangerous.") A wet fuck as opposed to a dry fuck I guess.
1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: It's triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy 5 years ago. 2. Good: Your wife is not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. Ugly: She is a Lawyer. 3. Good: Your son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you. 4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room. Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there. Ugly: You're in them. 5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids. Bad: You can't find your birth control pills. Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them. 6. Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than you. 7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections. 8. Good: The postman's early. Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a gun. Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas. 9. Good: Your son is dating someone new. Bad: It's another man. Ugly: He's your best friend. 10. Good: Your daughter got a new job. Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do!
Ladies this is for you. Use the button for the gee Spot. Sorry this has been discontinued.
THIS IS THE CHIEF TALKING MEN. Man your stations and be ready to fire when you see the pink of their.........
For the Men's Locker use the button. Sorry this has been discontinued.
Funny Audio
VISIT THE CHILI PAGE FOR SOME CLASSIC LAUGHS
TODAY'S CLEAN CARTOON Use the browser back to return here.
LINKS Use you browser back button to return here or hold your shift key down when you click the link or right click and open in new window. That will open the link in it's own separate page and you can just click the x and you are right back here.
Cool fifties music and memories Music from the fifties and sixties Extreme instability storms and more This is very interesting and kinda cloak and dagger LOL
Bring them all back home safely soon.
This is not to slight any other country that has stood by us. We wish for the safety of all involved.
I would like to thank Senators Carl Levin, Debbie Stabenow and House Representative Dale Kildee Democrats of Michigan for fighting to keep the Veterans Hospitals from closing here in Southeast Michigan. The Veterans should be proud of you.
Always look below here :-) to the end.
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Two of the Tribe members have another great comedy site. Please visit and support them.
This message approved by the Chief and paid for gold teeth fillings I found at the Detroit Pistons game.
YOUR CAMPFIRE GOT SOME AWARDS TRIBE. I THANK ALL OF YOU FOR YOUR PARTICIPATION. WITHOUT YOU WE WOULD NOT HAVE A REASON TO BE HERE.
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"LEAVE NO AMERICAN BEHIND"
It was a typical Saturday and the ole lady happened upon me sprawled on the couch, drink in hand, staring at a college football game on the TV. After taking in the scene a few moments, she said, "Ya know Bill, somehow I find it difficult to believe that you're the end product of millions of years of evolution." I don't know about you Tribe but I hate when this shit happens. Grrrrrrrrrr
*** Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyways.***
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I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. Winston Churchill
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After two days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse. W C Fields Smart man LOL
I hope you all had a good time Tribe. See you next issue. Just remember if you stop to think don't forget to start again.
I tell ya my cat gets wacky when she is in heat. We just bought a new puppy (a collie) and she is constantly raising her ass in the air trying to get the puppy to take care of business. This drives the puppy mad because all he wants to do is play so I have been letting my cat out for a little exercise and look what the little slut drug in LOL.
I guess if she can't screw it she can eat it LOL
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