If the music fails to start right
click on the page and refresh.
You can jump back to the music player to turn it on
or off by using the "Page Bookmarks" menu on the left and selecting
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If you anal beads are not careful you will
end up just like two members of my immediate family that
recently had their jobs outsourced to India for the second
time in three years.
Look at it from the bright side though
turds. Since our Congress majority has fought against
raising minimum wage for the last eight years while giving
themselves eight pay raisesyou could move to India. You might make more money
there now.
ADULT WARNING
New visitors, if you
like what you see sign up now so you don't miss
anything. The only mail you
will get is notification of any new issue.
Popcorn, soda, and banana boat
tickets to slave labor countries not included.
(but you can pick them up at your nearest Walmart)
If
laughs are what you seek,
Split
right now, take a leak
CAUSE IT'S
With Turkey day over and the Christmas
and New Years Holidays coming up I am putting on the fat.
I've been looking around for a low impact exercise to try to shed some of the blubber. I looked into
Yoga and I think it might just be the perfect thing for
me. I was having a hard time deciding
which Yoga style I would be most suited for.
Let's see you have the Indian styles
which include:
Then you have the Asanas style where you use
props like below:
(8o
I pulled into a town I couldn't believe
still existed in 2005. A dusty, dirt road, a little old
wooden store that actually said "General Store", and that
was it. There was a little old man sitting in front of the
store in a rocking chair. I said to him, "What do you
folks do around here?"
He said, "We don't do nothin' but hunt
n' fuck."
I said, "What do you hunt?"
He said, "Somethin' to fuck."
AVIAN FLU UPDATES
Update: In the last issue
I reported to you about Bush's plan to protect the United
States from a deadly outbreak of bird flu.
His original plan was to
provide 40 billion dollars for schools for chickens to
teach them how to cover their beaks when they sneeze.
Remember you heard it
here first.
A new report just out of
Washington says that Bush has raised the stakes in
his war against this deadly virus.
He now plans to go to war
on the flu bug by bombing the Canary Islands.
All people must be
aware of the symptoms of this deadly disease.
1. High Fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching of the joints.
6. An uncontrollable urge to shit on the heads of
crumb snatchers.
There was a man who had a problem
getting an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor
takes all kinds of tests and finally decides that he can
cure the man. The doctor tells the man to go home and wait
until his wife is asleep, and then to reach down between
her legs and get a little love juice on his finger and rub
it under his nose, and that this would stimulate his brain
and then he would get an erection.
The man takes the doctor's advice and
that night after his wife has gone to sleep he reaches
down between her legs and gets some of her juice and he
rubs it on his upper lip right under his nose. After a
minute or two he starts to feel a tingling between his
legs, so he grabs some more juice and rubs it under his
nose.
The next thing he knows he has a full
erection. He is real excited he wakes up his wife to share
in the good news. He wakes her up and says, "look what I
have."
She rolls over and looked at him and
says
"You wake me up at two in the morning to
show me that you have a Bloody Nose???
Crack the Bubbly
Carl is talking to a girl in a New York
City bar, he says, “Can I get you a drink?
The girl replies; “Certainly”
Carl asks: “What would you like?”
The girl says, “Champagne.”
Carl says “Why Champagne?”
The girl says, “Because when I drink
champagne I imagine I am a goddess on the Nile, draped in
a long robe, relaxing peacefully, with servants fanning me
and dropping peeled grapes into my mouth.”
Curious Carl asks, “What if I just buy
you a draft beer?”
The girl replies,
“I’ll cut wet farts
all night.”
Our Corn Consultant lost much
of his late crop due to the recent snow storms crossing the
United States. Knowing he needed to put food on the table for
the holidays he decided to do some unique marketing. He is
sitting in jail now contemplating just what went wrong with
his scheme. Seems some local yokel congregation caught his ad
in a online head shop about selling kilos of snow. I think he
will be exonerated once the thaw hits the confiscated packages
and the narcs have to mop the floors.
Our Corn Consultant
In ancient Rome, deli workers were told
that they could eat anything they wanted during the lunch
hour. Anything that is, except the smoked salmon.
Thus were created the world's first
anti-lox breaks.
A scientist cloned himself but the experiment
created a duplicate who used very foul language. As the clone
cursed and swore, the scientist finally pushed it out the
window, and it fell to its death. Later the scientist was
arrested for making an obscene clone fall.
Plain
or Dry Roasted?
I read a recent police report about two
nuts entering a bar and one was a salted.
What a terrible frost bit crop this
week. What do you little pukes think?
Ah one of the first TV Harlots I fell in love
with when I was a kid.
This Weeks Technology
Review
With the holiday coming up I went out
and checked out new cell phones to replace the relic I
carry around. I came across one I put on my gift list but
I am not sure if the old lady will get it for me so I am
putting out my request to all you fine Tribesmen. I know
you will come through for me.
The only problem I found when
trying it out was I could never dial the right numbers.
Do You Know Where Your Nuts Are Today?
Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by
confessing our parents' shortcomings.
Psychiatric Study
A study conducted by University of
Michigan Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the
kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ
depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance, if she is ovulating she is
attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating, or
menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man
with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his
ass while he is on fire. No further studies are expected.
This Week's
Psychology Lesson:
Mania: Irrational or exaggerated craving or
infatuation. Like the kind of exaggerated infatuation, or
obsession, that causes you to pay ten times the list price
for a toy for your child at Christmas time simply because
it's the new, "hottest" thing that every kid has to have.
And since all of the other parents around are stupid
enough and willing to pay nine times the list price for
the item, you have to top them. Then after you purchase
the item and give it to your child, he plays with it for
five minutes and never gives it another thought. He then
proceeds to play with the $2.00 toy he picked out of the
grab bag at his school's Christmas party. That's when you
realize you've been had.
Mary was having a tough day and had
stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she
thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.
She moaned to her mom and brother,
"Nobody loves me ... the whole world hates me!"
Her brother, busily occupied playing a
game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this
encouraging word:
"That's not true, Mary.
Some people don't even know you."
This Week's Self Sanity Test
Tests you can do at home and
save the cost of a shrink.
Hey they have home pregnancy
and HIV home test don't they?
If your cat begins to speak to you in
tongues, you:
a:
Run for your life.
b:
Bash it over the head with the largest object in the
immediate vicinity.
c:
Give it catnip and a little toy.
d:
Respond with various demonic speech of your own and
continue about your business.
e:
Take it to your friendly local veterinarian.
Whether you chose a,
b, c, d or e does not matter. If your cat is talking to
you at all you're definitely Crazy!
This Weeks Planter's Award
One night Jerry brought home a dozen red
roses to his wife.
"How lovely, dear," she said. "What's
the occasion?"
"I want to make love to you," he said
simply.
"Not tonight, dear. I have a headache,"
answered his wife.
The next night Jerry came home with a
big box of chocolates and explained that he wanted to make
love with her.
"I'm awfully tired, honey," said his
wife. "Not tonight."
Every night for a week Jerry brought
home something, but each time his wife's answer was no.
Finally he came home with six black
kittens with little red bows around their necks and handed
them to his wife.
"How adorable, Jerry!" she exclaimed.
"But what are they for?"
The husband replied,
"These are six little
pallbearers for your dead pussy."
A man came home from work one day to
find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.
'Just where the heck do you think you're
going!', said the man.
'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife,
'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give
you for free!
'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and
then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes
later with his suitcases in hand.
'Where the heck are you going?', said
the wife.
The man said,
'I want to see how you're gonna live on
$800 a year!'
(8o
Give me Some of
That Old Time Religion.
There was a young
Rabbi from peru,
Who was vainly
attempting to screw,
His wife said "Oi
vey",
If you keep up
this way,
The Messiah will
come before you do.
"Going Down"
As the storm raged, the captain realized
his ship was sinking fast. He called out,
"Anyone here know how to pray?"
One man stepped forward.
"Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."
"Good," said the captain,
"you pray while the rest of us put on
our life jackets - we're one short.
Catholic School Math
A young boy was in grade four and was
having a terrible time with his math.
His parents worked with him night after
night but there was no improvement.
His math marks were dismal. His parents
in desperation decided to transfer their son to a new
school. They decided to try the Catholic school system but
not until after they had given the matter serious
consideration as both parents were not religious.
They checked around and the school
seemed to have a good academic record. They reluctantly
enrolled their son in the Catholic school. Immediately the
boy's math marks soared. He went from a failing grade to
become an A student.
His parents were surprised at the change
and over dinner one night they asked their son about his
improvement. "Was it better teaching" they asked and the
boy said "No the teachers are about the same". "Was it a
different text book?" Again the boy said "No it is the
same text book"
Finally they asked their son why he
thought he had made such a dramatic improvement.
The boy said "the first day I went to
school I knew they took their math seriously and that I
had better do well or there would be serious
consequences."
Their parents asked what made him
realize the school took math so seriously.
The boy answered "the first thing I saw
when I went into the classroom was a statue of some guy
nailed to a plus sign."
Multiple Comes
A young minister had just got out of the
seminary, got his first church, and was preaching his
first sermon. In the seminary, they had taught him that if
he forgot something, just back up and repeat what he had
said, and maybe it would come back to him.
He started out with a quote, "Behold, I
cometh....." but he couldn't remember the rest of it.
So he trys to regain his composure,
backs up an starts again... "Behold I cometh..." but he
still couldn't remember.
So he rears back and shouts again,
"Behold I cometh! ..." but this time he trips over the
pulpit and falls right into the lap of a little old lady
sitting the front row!
He was embarrassed and started
apologizing, but before he could finish the woman
muttered...
"It isn't your fault sonny - you told me
you were coming three times...
I should have moved!"
Jesus and
the Redneck
An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a
restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup
of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and
asked,
"Is that Jesus sitting over there?"
The waitress nodded "yes," so the
Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.
The next patron to come in was an
Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a
booth, painfully sat down, and asked the Waitress for a
cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and
asked,
"Is that Jesus over there?"
The waitress nodded, so the Englishman
said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."
The third patron to come into the
restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a
booth, sat down and hollered,
"Hey there, sweet thang. How's about
gettin' me a cold glass of Coke! !" He, too, looked across
the restaurant and asked,
"Is that God's boy over there?"
The waitress once more nodded, so the
Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, "On my
bill."
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by
the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness,
you are healed."
The Irishman felt the strength come back
into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus also passed by the Englishman,
touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed."
The Englishman felt his back
straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the
Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.
Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck.
The Redneck jumped up and yelled,
"Don't touch me...I'm
drawin' disability."
The Latest Volleys
Between God and Satan
In the Beginning God populated the earth
with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and
yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would
live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's. And
McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger.
And Satan said to Man, "You want fries
with that?"
And Man said, "Super size them." ...And
Man gained pounds.
Then God created the healthful yogurt,
that Woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.
And Satan froze the yogurt, and he
brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored
sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. ...And Woman gained
pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh
salad."
And Satan brought forth creamy
dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese.
And there was ice cream for dessert.
...And Woman gained pounds.
And God said unto Man, "I have sent your
heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook
them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried
steak from Cracker Barrel so big it needed its own
platter. ...And Man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol
went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes, and
Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with
remote control so Man would not have to toil to change
channels between ESPN and ESPN2. ...And Man gained pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the
score, Devil."
And God brought forth the potato, a
vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with
nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin
and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat
fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.
And Man clutched his remote control and
ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.
And Satan saw and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed, and created quadruple
bypass surgery, angioplasties, and stents . . . . .
And Satan created HMO's.
Grab
the Bull by the Horn?
I
don't think so.
Two farmers at the feed store were
discussing the local election for tax collector.
One of the candidates was named Harkins,
who was also the operator of the drawbridge over the local
river.
"You gonna vote for Harkins?" the first
farmer asked.
"No, I don't think so," the other
replied.
"Why not?" the first farmer asked.
"Well, you remember that prize bull I
used to have? One day I looked in the barn and there's
that bull lying down actin' strange. So I asked the vet
and he gave me some medicine, and he said it had to be put
in the bull's rectum.
"I took the medicine home but I couldn't
find a funnel. So I seen this old army bugle hangin' on a
nail in the barn and I used that.
"Only problem was that before I could
get that bugle out, my bull passed some gas and made a
loud toot on that bugle.
"Well sir, that scared my bull somethin'
awful and he busted out of the stall, made another toot,
then busted through the fence and went runnin' down the
road.
"He went down the road, runnin' and
tootin' towards the bridge that Harkins runs. That fool
old man opened the bridge, and my bull ran across it, fell
in the river and drowned.
"Now," the farmer said,
"Do you think I could vote for a man
that's run that bridge for years but don't know the
difference between a boat whistle and a bull blowin' a
bugle out his ass?"
What's in the bag,
bag?
A little old lady is walking down the
street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in
each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every
once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the
pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops
her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that
bag..."
"Damn!" says the little old
lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find
some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop.
"How did you get all that money?" " Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You
see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the
football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans
come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"
"So, I go and stand behind the bushes
with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his
little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it
comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop.
"OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the
little old lady, "not all of them pay up".
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec
room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist
in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in
my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts
out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says,
"Close enough."
Miss Mackie will be out in a
few days. She has a long special she is doing so you can check
back on this page or visit the main page to catch her newest
column in a few days.
Miss Mackie is now a feature on the
main page so you can get to her columns at any time.
Okra News by Miss Mackie
"Mackie Mayhem"
PRICELESS
PRICELESS ROAD RAGE
You stay out late drinking with friends every
night. Every morning you wake up late in a foul mood because
you have to drag your tired ass to work. On your way driving
to your idiotic job you make many enemies and your driving
habits are atrocious to say the least. You suffer from
repeated fits of road rage. You run people off the road. You
lay on the horn when people are in your way. Your obnoxious
ways carry into your home life and your wife has warned your
repeatedly that if you continue with the way you drive the
powers that be will someday pay you back.
We now take you to your last day driving to
your worthless job.
In Utah, a judge is in trouble for
having three wives.
You know what the penalty is for having
three wives?
Three mothers-in-law!
Two old Jewish men were sitting on a
park bench when an attractive woman jogger trotted by.
"Oyvey! Would I like to screw her," said
the first old man.
The other looked and said, "Outta what?"
"This week, a consumer group warned that Mr.
Potato Head is a dangerous toy because people can choke on its
small pieces. After hearing this, Mrs. Potato Head sighed and
said, 'Tell me about it.'"
Conan O'Brien
URGENT NEWS JUST
IN.......
NFL Cuts One Team.
The NFL announced today that for
financial reasons, they had to eliminate one team from the
league.
So they've decided to combine the Green
Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one
team, causing many layoffs but saving millions of dollars
in costs.
They will be known as the TAMPACKS.
Unfortunately, they're only good for one
period and have no second string.
Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.
A lady was picking through the frozen
turkeys at the grocery store for a holiday dinner, but
couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a
stock boy,
"Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied with a snort,
"No ma'am, they're
dead."
According to a new survey in Glamour
magazine, 80% of women say they have been creeped out at
work when an older man tried to have sex with them.
The other 20% got promotions.
Jay Leno
Q:
What does it mean when a redneck's baby drools out of both
sides of its mouth?
A:
The trailer is level.
The Daily Telegraph recently conducted a
poll of male readers to see what exactly each enjoyed from
a blow job.
Seven per cent said they most enjoyed
the sensations.
Five per cent confessed their chief
enjoyment came from the sense of domination.
Eighty eight per cent said they really
enjoyed the peace and quiet.
(8o
IN THE NEWS
Scientists Cook Up Cure
for Cow Flatulence
LONDON (Dec. 1) - Cows belching and
breaking wind cause methane pollution but British
scientists say they have developed a diet to make pastures
smell like roses -- almost.
AP
In experiments, a food additive lowered
cow methane emissions by up to 70 percent.
"In some experiments we get a 70 percent
decrease (in methane emissions), which is quite
staggering," biochemist John Wallace told Reuters in a
telephone interview.
Wallace, leader of the microbial
biochemistry group at the Rowett Research Institute in
Aberdeen, said the secret to
sweeter-smelling cows is a food additive based on
fumaric acid, a naturally occurring chemical essential to
respiration of animal and vegetable tissues.
"Around 14 percent of global methane
comes from the guts of farm animals. It is worth doing
something about."
Finally we actually
found the chemical and biological terrorist. Was just a
matter of time.
I see us invading all
the farms around the world to get rid of the spreaders of
Weapons of Mass Dumping (WMDs).
-- Biochemist John Wallace
Scientists in Australia and New Zealand
have also been working to develop similar products amid
growing concern about greenhouse gas emissions from cattle
and sheep.
In New Zealand the government in 2003
proposed a flatulence tax, with methane emitted by farm
animals responsible for more than half the country's
greenhouse gases. The plan was ultimately withdrawn after
widespread protests. (Talking about
passing a "passing gas tax" is a bunch of hot air if you
ask me.)
There you have it folks.
Instead of putting out more money in feed and homeland
security just eat the damn things to get rid of the
polluters 'n' terrorist and restore the glaciers to normal
thus reducing the strength of hurricanes.
About time these
scientist started using their brains.
INTERMISSION TIME
Time to catch a little of the game. See you
back here after intermission.
Be sure to visit great comedy sites at the end and
on the home page to give the Campfire a
boost. You know it's kinda like apes do. I pick your fleas and you pick
mine.
The Unites States government has issued
a recall on all cars and trucks that have a headlight
dimmer switch on the turn signal switch.
The purpose for this is to cut the
traffic accidents at night by 90%.
Apparently that the 90% that they
plan to cut is from blonds, because they keep getting
their foot stuck in the steering wheel.
(8o
When Blonde Alice
Went Deer Hunting
It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid
hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the
season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of
coffee, and to his surprise he finds his blonde wife,
Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.
Jake asks her: "What are you up to?"
Alice smiles: "I'm going hunting with
you!"
Jake, though he had many reservations
about this, reluctantly decides to take her along. Later
they arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely
up in the tree stand and tells her: "If you see a deer,
take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon
as I hear the shot".
Jake walks away with a smile on his face
knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant--much less a
deer. Not
10 minutes pass when he is startled as
he hears an array of gunshots.
Quickly, Jake starts running back. As
Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming:
"Get away from my deer!" Confused, Jake races faster
towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell:
"Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of
gunfire. Now within sight of where he had left his wife,
Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in
the air.
The cowboy, obviously distraught, says:
"Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let
me get my saddle off it!"
Q:
Why can't a blonde get a drivers license?
A:
Because every time the instructor says "Let's park" she
jumps in the back seat.
Q:
What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A:
You only have to punch information into a computer once.
Q:
Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes?
A:
They're doing research on black holes.
Q:
Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?
A:
The rest are hunt'n peckers.
"Miss Jones, we can't hire you as a
model," the editor from the men's magazine explained.
"It's obvious that your blonde hair isn't natural, since
the hair between your legs is black."
The model picked up the magazine editors
bowling ball and slammed it down on his fingers.
"What the hell did you do that for!" he
exploded.
She smiled sweetly and said, "Look at
your fingers. They're turning black, right? And they've
only been banged once..."
A Medical Problem
An old woman came into her doctor's
office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart
all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and
they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've
farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"
"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris.
Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come
back and see me in a week."
Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched
into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was
in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just
as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to
say for yourself?"
"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the
doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses,
we'll work on your hearing!!!"
Advice for the Holidays
1. Avoid
carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet
table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if
you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where
they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink
as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine
single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer
than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time
of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000
calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn
into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy
it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think.
It's Christmas!
3.
If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole
point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on.
Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with
gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4.
As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with
skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother?
It's like buying a sports car with an automatic
transmission.
5. Do
not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to
control your eating. The whole point of going to a
Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free.
Lots of it. Hello?
6.
Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and
New Year's. You can do that in January when you have
nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which
you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying
a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If
you come across something really good at a buffet table,
like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of
Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have
as many as you can before becoming the centre of
attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you
leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8.
Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of
each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and
one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to
have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9.
Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with
the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all
cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One
final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the
party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying
attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is
just around the corner.
Just When You Thought You Were
Safe
GREENSBURG, Pa. (AP) - A man claims his
ex-girlfriend owes him more than $30,000 for gluing his
genitals to his abdomen five years ago. "This was not just
some petty domestic squabble," attorney Grey Pratt told a
Westmoreland County jury Wednesday.
His client, Kenneth Slaby of Pittsburgh,
is suing Gail O'Toole of Murrysville. His lawsuit claims
the two broke up in 1999 after dating for 10 months and
Slaby began dating someone else.
Slaby contends that O'Toole invited him
over to her home on May 7, 2000, where he fell asleep. He
woke up to find that O'Toole had used Super Glue to stick
his genitals to his abdomen, glued his buttocks together
and spelled out a profanity on his back in nail polish.
Slaby said O'Toole told him it was
payback for their breakup, and he had to walk a mile to a
gas station to call for help. He pressed charges and
O'Toole pleaded guilty to misdemeanor assault and served
six months' probation.
O'Toole's attorney, Chuck Evans, said it
was a consensual act and Slaby wasn't permanently damaged.
"This is a case that should have been
left in the bedroom," he said.
Super
Granny, Defender of Justice
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping
and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the
act of leaving with her vehicle.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew
her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of
her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out
of the car, you scum bags!"
The four men didn't wait for a second
invitation, but got out and ran like mad, where upon the
lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags
into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat.
She was so shaken that she could not get
her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then
it dawned on her why.
A few minutes, later she found her own
car parked four or five spaces farther down.
She loaded her bags into her car and
drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told
the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and
pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale
white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly
woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and
curly white hair, carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
Signs, Signs, Everywhere a Sign
One lady from east
Pennsylvania
Had a rather
unorthodox mania:
She'd shave her
dates' heads,
Strap them tight
to their beds
And then
masturbate on their bald crania.
I Can't Believe you ate the
Whole Thing!
A Jewish boy was walking with his
girlfriend on the grounds of his father's house. His
father was a successful doctor, and was carrying out a
circumcision in the on-site surgery.
As they were walking, they heard a
scream and a foreskin flew out of the window and landed at
the girl's feet.
"What's this, "she asked.
"Taste it," he
replied, "If you like it, I'll give you a whole one!"
I Know Nice Art When I See It
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were
getting their physicals.
During the inspection, the doctor was
surprised to discover that both of them possessed
incredibly long, oversized penises.
"How do you account for this?" he asked
the brothers.
"It's hereditary, sir," the older one
replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his
file.
"Your father's the reason for your
elongated penises?"
"No sir, our mother."
"Your mother? You idiot, women don't
have penises!"
"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but
she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out
of the bathtub, she had to manage as best as she could."
gee SPOT
Ladies this is for you.
Use the button for the gee Spot.
Sorry this has been discontinued.
MEN'S LOCKER
THIS
IS THE CHIEF TALKING MEN.
Man
your stations and be ready to fire when you see the pink of
their.........
With all the links below use your back
button to return back to this page or read to the end then use
the link to come back here and do the links last.
Ever
Evolving
Hey Tribe here is a
sneak peak at the "New and Improved" game room I am bringing
your way. I have ton of game to put up and it will take me
some time but, you can take a look here
http://www.billthechief.com/gameroom/gamepage.html
