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If laughs are what you seek,

Split right now, take a leak.

CAUSE IT'S

Ah, to be young again and feel the rush of your first puppy love.

It's your first kiss and several questions might come to mind:

Is it the right time?

Is anyone watching?

Does your partner even want to?

Is your breath fresh?

And the big question...

Am I doing it right ??

Then you lean in and just go for it!!!

Tks, Kyle

"FUCK"

The word FUCK describes many emotions. No other word can be used in such varied grammatical nuances. It can be used as a noun (I don’t give a fuck), as an adjective (it’s a fucking beauty!), as a verb in its transitive form (the game was fucked by the weather) and the intransitive form (he well and truly fucked it up).

Everyday expressions show its true versatility:

Denial - I’ll be fucked if I did!

Perplexity - I know fuck all about it

Apathy - Who gives a fuck anyway?

Greeting - How the fuck are you?

Parting - Fuck off

Resignation - Oh! Fuck it!

Derision - He fucks everything up

Some very famous people throughout the years have of course used the word, the more notable of them being: -

“What the fuck was that?” The Mayor of Hiroshima

“Look at all those fucking Indians” General Custer

“Where’s all the fucking water coming from?” Captain of the Titanic

“What a place to plant a fucking tree!” Marc Bolan

“That’s not a real fucking gun” John Lennon

“The fucking throttle’s stuck” Donald Campbell

“Who let that fucking woman drive?” Captain of the shuttle

“I thought I could fucking smell petrol” Nikki Lauda

“What fucking map?” Mark Thatcher

"I'm glad the fucking joke is over." ME

Hedgehogs Need Love Too....

A Serbian man needed emergency surgery after he had sex with a

hedgehog on a witchdoctor's advice. Zoran Nikolovic from Belgrade,

says the witchdoctor told him it would cure his premature

ejaculation. But he ended up in an operating theatre after the

hedgehog's needles left his penis severely lacerated. A hospital

spokesman said: "The animal was apparently unhurt and the patient

came off much worse from the encounter. We have managed to repair

the damage to his penis."

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish-isms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Euro Disney bosses are said to be furious after a pirate video was released showing Minnie Mouse and Goofy simulating sex. The costumed characters simulate sex in an illicit clip shot at a theme park and circulated on the internet, reports the Sun. The footage even shows Mickey Mouse in a gay clinch with a snowman.

Minutes after the backstage frolics, the characters go out to perform their regular Disney routine in front of hundreds of kids. An insider said: "It's Disney characters as you've never seen them before. Goofy grabs Minnie's boobs but the highlight has to be Mickey's gay romp." The two minute clip is believed to have been shot by another worker with a concealed camera at

Disneyland Resort Paris. A Disney spokeswoman said: "We are aware of the video that was taken in an area not accessible to guests at

Disneyland Resort Paris. We regret any offence it might cause. Action has been taken to prevent this happening again." Disney declined to say whether any staff had been fired or disciplined.

Walt Disney must be rolling over in his grave to learn that the people running his company now are fucking Goofy.

At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses. As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity. Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.

Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation. She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control."

George W., ever the lost Texan, replied, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses."

READ MY LIPS

I don't think Queenie liked that very much, Georgie.

Barbie's Nasty Christmas Letter To Santa

Dear Santa: Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here by next Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweat shirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro crawling up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man...maybe G.I. Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.

6. A jogging bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec.

8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 47 years (1959). I think I deserve it. Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours truly,

Barbie

A cocky Department of Agriculture Agent stopped at a farm and talked with the old farmer;

"I need to inspect your farm."

The old farmer said "You better not go in that field."

The government agent said in a "wise ass" tone "I have the authority of the U. S. Government with me. See this card, I am allowed to go wherever I wish on agricultural land."

So the old farmer went about his farm chores. Later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the government agent running for the fence, close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining at every step. Just as the agent reached the fence the bull caught up to him and planted his horns firmly in the agent's ass, reducing him into a massive heap of government waste.

The Old farmer called out:

"Why didn't you show him your card, dumb ass?"

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

She smiled and said, "What a coincidence."

Campfire Corn Consultant

I'm not selling lingerie any more, "Sam the salesman told his supplier. "I'm exclusively in to chastity belts now."

"chastity belts?" but is there any money in them?", said the supplier.

"Money?!? I make a hundred bucks a crack.

The author of this joke needs to unscrew his head from his shoulders and hock it. He has enough cracks in it to allow his family to live comfortable for decades without him.

Kevin, the dumb, said "I'm breaking up with Sherry!", to his friend James.

"Are you crazy ? Sherry is a beautiful and smart woman!", said James.

Kevin responded..."Last night Sherry broke down and told me she was bisexual, and who the hell wants to screw just twice a year?

My corn consultant is screwing me ever issue. He gets paid too much for this crap.

A very small female janitor (4'10", 90 pounds) worked at an amusement park and was told to go out and sweep up the grounds.

As she was getting ready to head out to clean up, her supervisor noticed her putting rocks in her pockets. When asked what she was doing, she pointed out that it was so windy out she was afraid of getting knocked over by the wind.

'So,' she said, 'now I weigh me down to sweep.'  

Let's broom this crap right on out the door.

An elderly gentleman slowly approached the local brothel and pressed the doorbell. The madam opened the door, looked at the old fellow with a critical eye and then asked. "What can we do for you, sir?"

"I need a girl," the senior citizen said.

"For you, the charge is a hundred dollars."

"You're putting me on," he exclaimed.

"That will be an extra ten dollars," said the madam.

There was once a herd of llamas that lived next to a herd of cows. The animals were separated only by a small fence. The cows would trick the young llamas into coming over near the fence, then when they got close enough, the cows would grab them and pull the llamas over to their side. At that point, they would kick the llama around, using him like a soccer ball. Then they would pull a gang bang on him. They did this for a few hours every day until they tired of it.

The moral of the story?

Llamas, don't let your babies grow up to be cow toys.

Let's put this one out to pasture.

An old couple were sitting in their rocking chairs on the verandah and the old guy leaned over and said to the woman, "Fuck you."

She rocked back and forth for a bit then leaned to him and said, "Fuckk you too."

They rocked on in silence and some 10 minutes later she leaned over and said, "I don't think much of this oral sex, do you?"

The last two jokes must be from the same author. He tells jokes like old people fuck.

Some lame shit this week. Right, pukes?

PUSSY DEFINED

Expensive Pussy:

Most pussy falls into this definition. Expensive Pussy can be recognized by the following - fur coats, $500 dresses, spandex, bright colored shorts, and shirts with Greek letters on them. 98% of good pussy falls into this category.

Advantages: If you can afford it, it will be great. Disadvantages: Many, mostly in the form of checking account depletion.

Often not worth it.

Cheap Pussy:

Very rare. Usually comes in the form of a girlfriend of yours who will not go away no matter what you do. Cheap Pussy can be recognized by the following - she will often pay for dinner, understands when you are broke, calls every day, wants it constantly, easily hurt, but shakes it off.

Advantages: Inexpensive, guaranteed, loving, will try anything once and sometimes twice. You're lucky if you find this.

Disadvantages: Won't go away, possessive, bugs you all the time, can keep you from the tasks of finding other pussy, will eventually want to get married and/or have children soon thus ruining it.

Often not worth it.

Hired Pussy:

Found in the Hollywood area of Southern Cal and in every other large city in the US and abroad. Recognized by scanty clothes and come-hither looks. Expense varies greatly with the quality. The difference between Hired Pussy and Expensive Pussy is that the money is up-front.

Advantages: You don't have to stick around, won't tell your girlfriend, doesn't care who you are or what you look like, often very experienced, usually cheaper than Expensive Pussy.

Disadvantages: More expensive than Cheap Pussy in the long run, risk of disease is high, is illegal in most areas and the risk of jail time is high.

Often not worth it.

Virgin Pussy:

This type is getting rarer each day. Recognized by conservative clothes, good manners, and a marked distaste for dirty jokes and porno movies. Can be very loving if you promise marriage, but will cause you more problems as you go along. Frustration level is high as Virgin Pussy tends to want to stay that way for some unknown reason.

Advantages: Risk of disease is very low, will offer a very tight "fit" if it gives in, sometimes open to new experience, will often offer "other" services if Virginity is to be maintained.

Disadvantages: Usually will not give in until marriage, will cause discomfort upon use, not very imaginative, not usually into using birth control which can cause "accidents", can only be used once.

Usually not worth it unless you're into that sort of thing.

Nympho Pussy:

Very rare. Recognized by the tendency to drag you by your balls into bed and going at it to the point of exhaustion Very experienced, will teach you things you never knew. Expense varies depending on level of Nymphomania.

Advantages: Will send you into la-la land, will try anything once.

Disadvantages: You are probably not the only one, thus disease risk can be high, will tire you out and ask for more, can be unstable, will not give a steady relationship.

Often not worth it.

Frigid Pussy:

Less rare. See (4) for recognition. Difference is that this Pussy will not yield no matter what. Any expense involved is simply wasted (unless you are into real frustration).

Advantages: There are no advantages.

Disadvantages: Too many to list here. Best to stay away once recognized.

Never worth it.

Innocent Nympho Pussy:

Rare. Recognized by being in a small, sweet, innocent package which you would never in a million years think would give in, but when it does, you are in for a hell of a surprise. Often mistaken for (4). Expense varies, but usually falls into the cheaper category.

Advantages: The surprise is blissful. Always worth it. Keep it if you can.

Disadvantages: If (4) is mistaken for (7), serious consequences may result. May or may not be faithful.

Party Pussy:

Found at bars and at parties. Recognized by glass of wine in hand and bloodshot eyes. Will engage in group festivities while completely ripped. Expense usually covers drinks. Make sure you are not ripped as to better enjoy the experience

Advantages: Easy to obtain unless you are real unlucky. Be sure to say the right things.

Disadvantages: Disease risk is high, will not usually remain faithful, the Support System may tend to puke all over you.

Often not worth it.

Nutsy Pussy:

Support System has psychological problems. Recognized by the fact that she will go out with you, then spill her problems on you.

May tend to kill you while you sleep. Gives in for no apparent reason.. Usually found as a quiet co-worker.

Advantages: Easy.

Disadvantages: Never really worth it.

We just spent a lot time on pussy I think assholes are going to get paranoid and feel left out.

I like to ogle asses but I am not sure about having them return the favor.

If the eye is not animated you forgot to refresh the page.

150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator - Alan Pinkerton for protection. That was the beginning of the Secret Service.

Since that time, the federal government has produced a large number of multi-letter agencies such as: FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc.

Now we have the "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service". Can't you see them now, these 'highly trained' men and women in their black outfits with jackets saying across the backs:

F.A.T.A.S.S."

The FATASSs are of course supervised by a special section of the Home Land Security Section known as: Airport Security Service Home Office Logistics Enhancement Section or the:

A.S.S.H.O.L.E.S

I feel safer already!!!!
 

I guess now the assholes won't feel left out. Next issue we will have to cover the "taint".

That's the area between the pussy and the asshole.

Taint pussy and taint asshole.

Bill's friend Harry went to his Portland high school class reunion. Not having seen anyone in forty years he's very curious as to who might show up.

When he gets there, he runs into his old high school sweetheart. They sit down and catch up on old times.

"How have you been?" he asks.

"I've been fine, just fine," she replies, "I do have some good news and bad news for you, though."

"Really?" Harry shows concern. "What kind of bad news could you have for me after all these years?"

"Well, a few weeks ago I had to have a hysterectomy."

"Oh my, that's too bad," Harry says, breathing a sigh of relief. "I'm sorry to hear that. What was the good news?"

"The good news is the doctor found your old high school class ring you thought you lost."

I Need Sympathy Cards From the Readers

As I walked down the busy sidewalk, knowing I was late for an important interview, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days.

Wearing what can only be describes as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this persons condition.

Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.

Recalling some long ago Sunday School admonition to "care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked," I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.

Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden beauty.

A small voice inside my head called out,

"Reach out, reach out!"

So I did..........

I get out of the hospital in about 3 months.

It would be nice to get a card or maybe a visitor.

Do You Know Where Your Nuts Are Today?

This Issue's Psychology Lesson.

Schizophrenia

Schizophrenia is a brain disease that interferes with normal brain functioning. It causes affected people to exhibit odd and often highly irrational or disorganized behavior.

Like having eight shots of tequila, washing it down with six tall boys then going out hunting quail. You end up shooting the shit out of your friends, trees, bugs, beavers and anything else that moves except quail. The cops are happy though. They don't have to leave the donut shop until you find your way out of the woods and crank up your hunk of dented metal on wheels to find your way home.

A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions.

After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.

To tell you the truth, I think the axe just brought on the latent retardation.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Christmas Carols for the Psychologically Challenged

• Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

• Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are

• Amnesia --- I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas

• Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

• Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and ...

• Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

• Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

• Full Personality Disorder-- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why

• Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ..

• Agoraphobia --- I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House

• Senile Dementia --- Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House In My Slippers and Robe

• Oppositional Defiant Disorder --- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House

• Social Anxiety Disorder --- Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate.

This Issue's Planter's Award

This issue's Planter's Award goes to the man that knows how to protect himself while surf fishing in the ocean. Barracudas can wreak havoc on unrestrained floating penile and testicle bait.

Where There's Smoke There's a Burning Rump Roast

The firemen finally get a huge fire under control, and Chief Brown has all of his men accounted for except Olson and Rosolino.

After a few minutes' search, the chief looks down an alley, and there's Rosolino, leaning over a trash can. His pants are down to his ankles, and Olson is banging him in the ass.

Chief Brown says, "What the hell is going on?"

Olson says, "Rosolino passed out from smoke inhalation."

The chief says, "Smoke inhalation? You're supposed to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!"

Olson says, "I did, Chief, but then one thing led to another..."

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence.

"Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."

Gimme Some of Dat Ole Time Religion.

In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,Complacently stroking his madam, And great was his mirth, For 'round all of the earth, There were only two balls, and he had 'em!

Good News, Bad News

One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news," The Lord said.

Adam looked at The Lord and said, "Well, give me the good news first."

Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve.

The other organ I have for you is

called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form

and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you"

She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are! you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

A man longs to wed a maiden with her virtue intact. He searches for one but resigns himself to the fact that every female over the age of 10 in his town has been at it. Finally he decides to take matters in hand and adopts a baby girl from the orphanage. He raises her until she is walking and talking and then sends her away to a monastery for safekeeping until marrying age.

After many years she finally reaches maturity and he retrieves her from the monastery and marries her. After the wedding they make their way back to his house and into the bedroom where they both prepare themselves for the consummation. They lie down together in his bed and he reaches over for a jar of petroleum jelly.

"Why the jelly?" she asks him.

"So I don't hurt your most delicate parts during the act of lovemaking," he replies.

"Well, why don't you just spit on your cock like the monks did?"

A woman had a parrot that she took with her everywhere she went. She would even take the parrot to the club with her when she went dancing and drinking on Saturday nights. Whenever the woman went onto the dance floor, the parrot would yell, "The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire, we don't need no water-let the muthafukkah burn! Burn, muthafukkah, burn!"

The crowd on the dance floor would always cheer and holler in appreciation when the parrot would yell. This would make the parrot yell even more and of course make the crowd go wild. This would go on all night long, every time the parrot went out.

One Sunday morning the woman took the parrot to church and into the choir stand with her. And when the choir started to sing, the parrot yelled, "The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire, we don't need no water-let the muthafukkah burn! Burn, muthafukkah, burn! She embarrassingly corrected the parrot, "No, you don't say that here!!"

The parrot looked around and asked, "Why not? These are the same muthafukkahs that was at the club last night!!!

VACATION FOR GOD

God decides it's time he has a vacation. So he asks St. Peter for his assistance.

St. Peter says, "Why don't you go to Mercury?"

"Oh no!" says God, "I went there 25,000 years ago and got the worst sunburn of my life."

St. Peter says, "How about Pluto?"

"Oh no!" says God, "I went there 10,000 years ago, broke my leg skiing."

St. Peter says, " How about earth?"

"Oh no!" says God, "I went there 2,000 years ago, knocked up some Jewish chick and I've been hearing about it ever since".

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet."

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, when I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!" "If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

The Nun fainted.

Was his name Jimmy Swaggart or Jim Bakker?

Dog Gone or Ditch the Bitch?

The train was quite crowded, so a Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant, ignorant and intolerant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat right down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

ITTY BITTY TITTY

A man walked into the women's department of Macy's in New York City. He told the saleslady, "I would like a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B." With a quizzical look, the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?" He repeated, "A Baptist bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Baptist bra and that you would know what she wanted."

"Ah, now I remember." said the saleslady, "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type."

Confused and a little flustered, the man asked, "So what are the differences?"

The lady responded, "Well, it's really quite simple. The catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright."

He mused at that for a moment and then asked, "So, what is the Baptist type for?"

"They," she replied, "make mountains out of molehills".

LICKALOTAPUS (not yet extinct)

Three girls are sitting around, totally bored so one girl suggests that they make up nicknames for their ideal boyfriends and name them after soda pops.

"I want mine to be 7-Up, 'cause 7 days a week he's up."

"I want mine to be Mountain Dew 'cause when he's in between my mountains, we'll be doing it."

"Mine's gonna be Jack Daniel's."

"You can't do that. Here we are talking about soda pop and you're talking about a hard liquor."

"Exactly."

PRICELESS

I'd Like to Get Into Your Shorts!

"Doctor, my husband has a strange disease," the woman says. "I think it's from stress and overwork. Every time I start asking him for money, he can't hear me at all."

"Well, Mrs. Smith, it's not a disease; it's a talent."

The meaning of lots of phrases depend on where you live.

A "Safe Cracker" in New York is a person who opens a victim's safe without knowing the combination;

In Arkansas, it's a girl on the pill.

A man goes to the doctor suffering from premature ejaculation.

"Can you do anything to help me doc?" said the man.

"No, but I can give you the address of a woman who has a short attention span," replied the doctor.

What’s the definition of confusion?

20 blind lesbians in a fish market

Why do gay men have moustaches?

To hide the stretch marks

Where do you find virgin wool?

On ugly sheep

What do Polish women do when they're finished sucking cock?

They spit out the feathers.

What do a mechanic and a lesbian have in common?

They both use snap-on tools.

According to a survey, the most requested funeral song is James Blunt's "Goodbye My Lover."

The least requested funeral song? "Another One Bites the Dust?"

Jay Leno

CNN is reporting that former Congressman Mark Foley's instant messages were not only sexually inappropriate, but also full of typos.

In his own defense, Foley said, "It's hard to type with one hand."

Conan O'Brien

What's the difference between Congress and the Library of Congress? In The Library of Congress, they don't let you lick the pages.

What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?

A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

At one time, singers had to use musicians to accompany them. Since synthesizers came along, singers can now play with themselves.

Confucius say foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Q: What are the 2 most important holes of a women?

A: Her nostrils, so that she can breath while giving a blowjob.

Thought for Today

Some people are like Slinkies. They are not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

TRUCKIN'

A little kid was sitting on the top of a flight of stairs and his Mom was watching him. The kid had a bag of jellybeans. He put one in his mouth, ate it, grabbed the cat and bit it. Then dropped down to the next step, put another jelly bean in his mouth, ate it, bit the cat again and dropped down to the next step. His mom wondered what he was doing and went up and asked him. "I'm playing trucker," said the kid,

"Poppin pills, eating pussy and movin'on."

INTERMISSION TIME

I think Lyle had the wrong idea when I asked him for pictures of me taking a break during "Intermission Time". Hey Lyle this is not my favorite drinking hole LOL.

Thanks, Lyle!

Take time out to join our members.

Take The Tribal Vows to Smile

Be sure to visit great sites or lists at the end and on the home page to give the Campfire a boost. You know, it's kinda like apes do. I pick your fleas and you pick mine.

Today's Flash Features

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Today's Lesson in Poetry   T'was the Night Before Christmas     T'was the night before Christmas, and God it was neat The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook. Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry. Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself. The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer. With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head. Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite. And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right. Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts. Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee. They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub. And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder. I was donning my jacket to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash. His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore. "That was some brothel," he said with a smile, "The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile. He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink. I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee. Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed. The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits. A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, And a six pair of panties, the edible kind. A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several other things that I shouldn't even mention. A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, A dildo so long, it lay in a coil. "This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split." He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve. He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead. In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch, Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!" The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, "The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!"

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. "Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?"

"Nonsense," said the wife, "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."

The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. Damn, you're right.!

Must be blonde and drunk LOL.

A blonde woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?" The blonde says, "Heaven help us. Has it come to this?

Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.

Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a blonde sitting by herself:

Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"

Blonde: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."

Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

Blonde: "No, they open!"

Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor?

She thought it was pregnant because it missed a period.

A blonde is taking the driving portion of her driver's license exam. She handles most of the maneuvers quite well. However, she has a little trouble parallel parking, and winds up a about a foot from the curb.

"Could you get a little closer?" the examiner asks.

The blonde then unbuckles her seat belt and slides over toward the examiner and asks, "OK, sir... Now what?"

Two blonde hookers from the big city decided to move out west coast and while driving through New Mexico they stopped at a little general store.

Low and behold, there were two older Indian women sitting out on the front porch and the four women started up a conversation that got around to backgrounds.

The older Indian woman said,

" I'm a Navajo and she is an Arapaho."

"No Shit." said one of the hookers!

"I'm a New York Ho

and she is a Chicago Ho."

What kind of costumes do blondes wear on Halloween?

They don't, they just stand on their heads and go as dirty mops.

A blonde is pregnant, and is practically 9 months along. She goes to see her doctor for a routine check-up, but she is worried.

She asks, "What if the baby starts coming, and I can't get to the hospital in time."

The doctor replies, "Well, woman have been having babies for a million years without an attendance by doctors. It's a very natural process.

The first thing you do is to assume the same position you were laying in when you got pregnant."

The blonde interrupts with, "Do you mean with the left foot in the glove compartment and the right foot hanging out the window?"

Why did the blonde get mad at her dildo?

It just laid there and acted like a prick.

Just When You Thought You Were Safe

SOFIA - Who knew that silicon breast implants could also serve as airbags? Well, they did for a 24-year-old woman who survived a car crash because her implants were there to protect her. The woman had run a red light and crashed into another vehicle in the middle of town Saturday. "The two cars were crumpled past recognition in the crash but the woman's silicone breasts acted as airbags and saved her life," the daily Standart wrote, citing eyewitness reports. However, although the woman's life was saved, her breasts did not fare so well. The silicon implants burst while in the crash.

Guess survival comes at a price.

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric socket.

Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places.

Until that moment he had been happily jammin' to his Walkman.

In Romania, a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring removed from his penis after his mistress got so mad at him and stuck it on him while he was asleep.

I don't know what's more embarrassing --

Getting caught cheating or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge of bestiality. "I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive and doesn't know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer," he continued, "who's not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to pick a jury."

The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began his testimony.

"I saw Jed mount his goat from behind," he said, "and when he was finished, I saw the goat turn around and lick Jed's pecker."

The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up hope of acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him, "You know, a good goat will do that!"

Signs, Signs, Everywhere a Sign

Finker Dis Von Out.

Ole Vas working at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidently cut off all ten of his finkers. He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."

Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."

"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lord-it's 2006! Ve's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"

To vhich Ole says, "How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?

While waiting to register at a hotel, I overheard the couple ahead of me asking for a room with a king, queen or double bed. The clerk apologized and said that the only rooms available had twin beds.

Disappointed, the man remarked, "I don't know. We've been sharing the same bed for 44 years." "Could you possibly put them close together?" the wife asked.

Several people nearby smiled, and someone commented, "How romantic."

Then the woman finished her request with, "Because if he snores, I want to be able to punch him."

There was once a fellow named Beene, his visage too vile to be seen, his poor oft scorned dong, lay unused for so long, that he lost his left nut to gangrene.

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called me this morning to tell me that you had quit your job today. That was the last straw!

Last week you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything.

Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't bother. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your Ex-Wife

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad it doesn't work.

I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week; the first thing that came to mind was You look just like a man! My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say something nice.

When you cooked my "favorite meal," you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was just a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered this morning that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.

My lawyer said that with the letter you wrote me, you won't get a red cent from me. So take care.

Signed,

Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but Carl, my brother, was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

I Know Nice Art When I See It

Two men were in the pub discussing their latest sexual conquests. The first man says he picked up this girl last week and they agreed to go back to his house and have sex. Once in the house the girl stripped off her clothes, lay down on the bed with legs apart and panted, "I want you to give me twelve inches and make me bleed."

The second man not for one moment believed his friend was that well-hung, asked what he did.

"Well" he says, "What could I do - I laid her twice and smacked her in the face!"

gee SPOT

Ladies this is for you. Use the button for the gee Spot.

Adult Warning

If nudity offends you then pass it by.

This button has to be clicked twice with SP2.

Sorry this has been discontinued.

MEN'S LOCKER

THIS IS THE CHIEF TALKING MEN.

Man your stations and be ready to fire when you see the pink of their.........

Adult Warning

If nudity offends you then pass it by.

This button has to be clicked twice with SP2.

Sorry this has been discontinued.

Today's Funny Videos

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Today's Funny Audio

This is a good one LOL.

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Special Music Audio

One of the Campfire Members has a very talented family member.

Check it out here.

Mute the jukebox for this:

WATCH TOWER

Tks, Karen :-)

Today's Cartoon by Quirit

www.quirit.com

More syndicated cartoons at the Campfire Loonies

These can also be accessed from the main page.

While in a line at the bank one afternoon, a Lady's some pent-up energy and started to run amuck.

The lady was finally able to grab hold of him after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. She told him that if he didn't start behaving himself right now, he would be punished.

To the lady's horror, the brat looked her in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!”

The silence was deafening, after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! The poor lady mastered the last of her dignity and walked out of the bank with her son in tow. The last thing she heard, as the doors closed behind her were the screams of laughter.

Here's A Recent Study That You Ladies Should Find Not Only Interesting But Humorous As Well (Guys pay attention)

Women's Ass Size Study:

There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are pretty interesting:

• 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.

• 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.

• The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.

SOME TRIM

Bush & Clinton at the barber shop

George W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Bush in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Bush was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife, Laura, will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse."

The second barber turned to Clinton and said, "How about you Mr. President?"

Clinton replied, "Go ahead, Hillary doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

FOR NEW VISITORS

VISIT THE CHILI PAGE FOR SOME CLASSIC LAUGHS

TASTE OUR CHILI

One of the pages at the Bullshit Corral

"LEAVE NO HUMAN BEHIND"

LIFE

MOTORCYCLE FOR SALE

Post Date:

Aug 7th, 2006

Expire Date:

Sep 6th, 2006

$10,000

06' Suzuki GSXR 1000

Farmington, UT 84025 - Aug 7, 2006

2006 Suzuki 1000. This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service.

(Expensive) It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I'm selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving wife.

Apparently "do whatever the fuck you want" doesn't mean what I thought. Call me, Steve. (801)867-8292

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to your asshole?

It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

Some people have asked me what my Indian name is. I had never had serious thoughts about getting a tribal name so I contacted my brother and asked him to see about it. After he told the registration official my heritage, habits, lifestyle and other information I was sent my official Indian name:

RUNS WITH BEER

I came out of a convenience store the other day and some seedy looking guy walks up to me and holds up a little sign: "DEAF & DUMB... Can you spare $10?"

Wow! What happened to a dollar or 2? So I reached into my pocket for my wallet, opened it, took out a folded piece of paper and handed it to him.

It said: "I CAN'T READ" and I walked away.

I never make mistakes.

I thought I did once, but I was mistaken.

FOOK U 2

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"

"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.

"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both." "Fook off you liar!".

"I'll prove it," Murphy says.

So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"

"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

A woman who is uncomfortable watching a guy masturbate:

• Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.

• Is uptight and a waste of time.

• Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?"

Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?

I came home the other day and found my wife happily jumping on the bed and squealing with delight.

I watcher her for a while then asked, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

She continued to bounce on the bed and said, "I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

I said, "What did he say about your 58 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

Sometimes I hate smart ass women. Just when you think you finally snuck in a good put down they come up with shit like that, grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

With all the links below use your back button to return back to this page or read to the end then use the link to come back here and do the links last.

Ever Evolving

New Features and Additions:

The next two links will need Power Point Viewer to watch or save to disk. I have a collection of Power Point flicks I am going to put up so make sure you grab the viewer. If you don't have it get it here.

Awesome Power Point Presentation of St. Martin

Best Screensaver a guy could possibly want.

Streaming Flash Videos

Tickle Me Hard

Nice Bun Exercise :=)

New Bullshit Corral Pages.

Funny Windows Errors

I Have Learned

Try this puzzle. Are you an Idiot? Find out.

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I like these type of games. Find your way it's just you and the machine.

If you flunked the idiot test five times don't play this LMAO.

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