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Dec 15, 2004 If you use AOL and think this page is old go back to the opening page and hit the refresh button or better yet use Internet Explorer to view this site.
Yea, well if it happens this year I know what to do with you guys. We'll all have some chestnuts roasting on an open fire.
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| You people that bought me Christmas presents already shouldn't have. I mean, I really appreciate the jacket for me to take to Mardi Gras; but you could have left out the warmer, I think it will be warm enough when I go. You also started something. My buddies, not to be outdone, went out and got their own.
As told by a cracked out fat red elf.
T'was the night before Christmas Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list. Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks I have a good mind to scrap the whole works! I've busted my ass for damn near a year, Instead of "Thanks Santa" what do I hear? The old lady bitches cause I work late at night The elves want more money. The reindeer all fight Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS And just when I thought that things would get better Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter They say I owe taxes if that ain't damn funny Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money? And the kids these days they all are the pits They want the impossible those mean little shits I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds Assembling dolls their arms, legs and heads I made a ton of yo yo's. No request for them They want computers and robots. They think I'm IBM! Flying through the air dodging the trees Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season!
Me too.....
Let's get this crap out of the way before Bubba Santa here wants to roll it and smoke it.
"New Mint Flavored Birth Control Pill" The Cadbury's Candy Co. and Merck Drug Co. have combined to market the new Mint flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex. The Pill will be distributed by the large major drug store chains and Wal-Mart's Pharmacies. They're going to be called: "Pre-dick-a-mints."
The author of this joke must have been raised sucking something else besides mints. He might even be suffering from: "Post-cunt-alingus."
little Billy turned up for school on Tuesday morning only to be scolded by the teacher about his absent on the Monday. Billy: I'm sorry miss but I couldn't come to school because my daddy got burnt. Teach: Oh, I'm sorry Billy, was it a bad burn? Billy: Well, the crematorium don't fuck around!
You know I got burned before using this author's material. It is time to find this person and put them out of their misery by adding him to my nut roast.
Q. What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? A. Quarter-pounder with cheese
Someone quick, spill some hot coffee on the author's lap. He may need to sue because he sure as hell can't live on writing jokes.
One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Huan Cho said "Hey baby, let's play Weeweechu." "Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Jung Lee. "! Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Huan Cho Begged. "But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon." "Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me." Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu." ! Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both sang..... "Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."
You know, this corn is much like a computer virus or a weed. It will even promulgate itself right into Christmas if you let it.
What a terrible frost bit crop this week. Wouldn't you pukes agree?
10 REASONS HURRICANE SEASON IS LIKE
CHRISTMAS 10. Decorating the house 9. Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season 8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores 7. Regular TV shows pre-empted for "specials" 6. Family coming to stay with you 5. Family and friends from out-of-state calling 4. Buying food you don't normally buy, and in large quantities 3. Days off from work 2. Candles And the number one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas At some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, "Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?" With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. "Wait, ladies," cried the professor, "The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!" Oh well, I guess I was wrong except one way or another they would have got their salami.
1. At lunch time, sit In your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See lf they slow down. 2. Page Yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice. 3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. 4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In". 5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. 6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "For Sexual Favors." 7. Finish all your sentences with; "In Accordance With The Prophecy." 8. Don't use any punctuation. 9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk. 10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer. 11. Specify that your drive-through order is "To Go." 12. Sing along at the opera. 13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme. 14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day. 15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood. 16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock-Hard. 17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!" 18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!!" 19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go." 20. Don't ever get into posting corn jokes.
Psychiatric Study A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire. No further studies are expected.
In one of my old psychology texts there was a passage which read: "The functions of the autonomic nervous system can best be remembered as the four f's: "Fight, Fright, Flight, and Fuck."
I had to off my analyst. He helped me a lot, but he just knew too damn much.
A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a trim before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall is a vending machine that should serve your purpose." Skeptical, but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted 50 cents, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head, looked into the mirror and saw the best haircut he'd ever had. There was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures, 25 cents." Why not? thought the salesman. He inserted the money and stuck his hands into the slot. When he pulled them out 15 seconds later they were perfectly manicured. The next machine had a sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives 50 Cents." The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and, with some anticipation, stuck IT into the opening. When the machine started buzzing the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman withdrew IT to find a button sewed onto the end.
A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. "Dear Lord," he began with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you we are but dust. . " He would have continued but at that moment a little girl (who was listening carefully for a change) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
What Kind of "Husband" Are Ya? At the gates of heaven there were two lines, with signs above them. One line was labeled "Hen Pecked Husbands", and the other was labeled "Non-Henpecked Husbands." In the line labeled " Hen Pecked Husbands" was filled with men and it stretched as far far as the eye could see. The other line "non-Hen Pecked Husbands" had only one skinny bald little man with thick glasses. After surveying the two lines, St. Peter walked over to the little man in the Non-Henpecked line, grabbed his hand and told him how amazed he was at his accomplishment, and asked him "how in the world did you do it? You are the only man in this line." The little man looked at St. Peter with a puzzled look on his face and said, "Gee mister I don't know what you are talking about, my wife told me to stand here."
December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow! December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years, felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life. December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor. December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so. December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all. December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel. December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room. December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying. December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel! Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying. December 23: Only 2" of snow today, and it warmed up to "0". The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying. December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the Goddamn snowplow. December 25: Merry F!=3D@x@!x!x1 Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave. December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves. December 27: Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes. December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!! December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am? December 30: Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now suing me for a million dollars; not for only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted. December 31: I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling. January 8: Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
Miss Mackie answers your question about life and sex.
Last issues question, choices and results were: Your girlfriend or spouse howls like a dog while you are having sex. Do you: a: Serve her Kibbles n Bits for breakfast the morning after? 38.18% b: Save yourself the expense of "wining and dining" and date a German Shepard? 20.00% c: Run in circles, pant, and then piss on the bedspread? 41.18% The winner of the Miss Mackie poll this week is answer C with 41.18% of the vote. Leave it to a man to want to leave his "scent"!
This week's question is for you women or if you guys want to answer for your ole lady fine. Just don't tell anyone someone just might start a rumor.
A CHRISTMAS SPECIAL ISSUE BROUGHT TO YOU BY MISS MACKIE. CLICK THE BUTTON BELOW.
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Two old ladies sat in a cafe drinking tea and having a bit of a chat. Old lady 1: Did you come on the bus? Old lady 2: Yes I did but I made it look like an asthma attack!
Why does Laura Bush always get on top? Because George Bush can only fuck up.
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and asks the bartender, "Got any specials today?" The bartender replies, "Yes, as a matter of fact, we have a new drink that was invented by a gynecologist who is a patron of ours. It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, and Smirnoff vodka. The guy asks, "Geez, what kind of drink is that?" The bartender responds, "We call it a Pabst Smir."
A famous surgeon went on a safari in Africa. When he came back, his colleagues asked him how it had been. "Oh, it was very disappointing," he said. "I didn't kill a thing. I'd have been better off staying here in the hospital."
The angle of the dangle decreases with the sag of the bag, and increases in proportion to the heat of the meat compared to the mass of the ass and the beauty of the cutie.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
Little Rebecca comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Christmas. "Since Christmas is for Christians and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a Christmas card? Rebecca's father thinks! a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Christmas card to?" "Osama Bin Laden," she says. "Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock? "Well", she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a card, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent cards to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore." Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. Rebecca, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard." "I know," Rebecca says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him and send him back to hell where he belongs.
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Two features today If you are not returned to this spot use the bookmark menu on the left and select Kewl Flash link.
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Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman." She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs. The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door. "Well," he snarled at the blonde, "what do you want?" "I just want to know why you can't ring the bell for yourself?"
What do you call a blonde that just won the lottery? Easy money!!!
Why don't blondes like anal sex? They don't like their brains being screwed with.
Why do blondes get confused in the ladies room? They have to pull their own pants down.
Why did the blonde with a big pussy douche with crest? She heard that it reduces cavities.
How did the blonde hurt herself raking the lawn? She fell out of the tree!
Can You Hear Me Now? Authorities in Sweden arrested a man who shot mobile phones into the yard of a high-security prison with a bow and arrows, police said Saturday. The 25-year-old man is charged with planning to aid a prison escape and could get up to a year in jail, police said. The suspect, whose name was not released, taped two cell phones and a battery charger to three arrows, and fired them over the 12-foot wall into Mariefred prison outside Stockholm on Friday night. Unfortunately for him he was caught when one of the arrows struck and embedded itself into the thigh of a prison guard. OUCH LOL
A bicyclist who confronted three well-dressed men walking to their hotel in Alexandria, Virginia, pointed what looked like a 9mm semi-automatic handgun at them and demanded money. The three men turned out to be off-duty federal agents, who drew their own weapons and fired more than 20 shots, hitting the would-be robber, as well as three cars, a truck, two homes and an office building. The injured suspect's weapon turned out to be a pellet gun. I would say they need some target practice LOL
[UPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lauwers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association. hmmmm, best and brightest? If he was then why didn't he have a parachute on? I guess he just didn't think of that ahead of time.
When you know that you are not getting a Christmas gift from her:
1) In the most romantic setting possible, lean close and whisper in her ear "Upside down and in the dark all women smell like you." 2) Use her bra as a slingshot. Tell her it was too small. 3) Tie her to the bed, describe all the erotic things you plan to do. Then go bowling. 4) Convince her that you're having an affair. Once you've got her thoroughly convinced, say you were just kidding. 5) Ask why she doesn't fill up with water when she takes a bath. 6) Say, "Hell no that dress doesn't make your ass look fat. You've got a fat ass, that's the problem." 7) Walk around with a very large grin. When she asks what it is, start crying and say, "Nothing. Never mind." Run to the bedroom/bathroom and slam the door. 8) Read her this list. 9) Ask her to bend over and see if you can use her to open your bottle of beer. 10) Tell her YOU have a headache, but you're willing to suffer with it through sex just to please her. 11) Re-arrange the dishes in the cabinets. 12) Ask her how she prepared a meal. If she wants to know why you want to know, say "So I don't make the same mistakes." 13) Tell her you're thinking about becoming a dairy farmer and you need to practice on her. 14) If she mentions commitment or marriage, mention anal group sex in the same tone of voice. 15) Tell her women have two holes so close together so you can carry 'em like six-packs. 16) Tell her she's your love buffet, but the doctor has put you on a crash diet because of a heart condition. 17) Imitate her having an orgasm while dining out. 18) Fake your own orgasm while dining out. 19) When meeting her parents, ask her Mom out. 20) Or, ask her Dad out. 21) Or, ask both of 'em to join you later that night. 22) Tell her you've applied for the position of blowjob inspector at the nearest whorehouse. 23) Scream your own name during sex. 24) Ask what her name is in the middle of sex. Tell her you need to know what to scream. 25) Tell her that her best friend was a better lay. If she protests, say "All right. We'll have a screwing contest between the two of you." 26) After sex tell her the doctor assured you it isn't contagious. Then faint. 27) Say "Hell yes size matters! Look at the Grand Canyon." 28) Tell her it's Saint Jism day and your religion requires you receive a blowjob every hour for the next 24 hours. 29) While slow-dancing, drool down her back. 30) The morning after an all-night extravaganza in bed, the wife snuggles up to you and asks, "Sweetheart, how many others were there before me?" After a few minutes of silence, she will say, "Well, I'm waiting." Take a deep breath and say, "Shhhhhhl, I'm still counting."
Ladies this is for you. Use the button for the gee Spot. Sorry this has been discontinued.
THIS IS THE CHIEF TALKING MEN. Man your stations and be ready to fire when you see the pink of their.........
For the Men's Locker use the button. Sorry this has been discontinued.
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VISIT THE CHILI PAGE FOR SOME CLASSIC LAUGHS
Today's Cartoon by Fitz
Use you browser back button to return here or hold your shift key down when you click the link or right click and open in new window. That will open the link in it's own separate page and you can just click the x and you are right back here.
See how good your are at placing states. Frustrating LOL Try to Keep Santa from getting drunk Oh, oh The Jab TV carolers LOL
Bring them all back home safely soon.
This is not to slight any other country that has stood by us. We wish for the safety of all involved. Rumsfeld, why don't you donate the armor off of your limo to the troops in Iraq? Or a least off your golf cart.
I would like to thank Senators Carl Levin, Debbie Stabenow and House Representative Dale Kildee Democrats of Michigan for fighting to keep the Veterans Hospitals from closing here in Southeast Michigan. The Veterans should be proud of you.
Always look below here :-) to the end.
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I'll bet you ladies wished spring was here already LOL. Hey, we have to be politically correct you know. If there is a lady bug then surely there must be a man bug, right?
"LEAVE NO AMERICAN BEHIND"
I bought a thermometer for the outside porch to see just how cold it is outside. I placed it very carefully out of the wind but where it would catch some sunshine. A few days went by and I kept checking the thermometer to see what the temperature was and discovered that the damn thing was not working right because it must have been in the 40s but it was registering around 76 degrees. My wife heard me cussing and asked me what was wrong and I told her. She replied without blinking "Well stupid maybe you should stick that thing where the sun don't shine." Damn it I hate when she is a smart ass without even trying. Grrrrrrrrrr
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I looked at a pair of walking shoes the other day. They cost $120. For that kind of money I could take a cab.
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If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
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Remember Tribe If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out. I hope you all had a good time Tribe. See you next issue.
We will let Little Johnny close us out with his heartfelt letter to Santa.
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