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Jan 2, 2005 With New Years here it will be very hard for many thousands to celebrate anything. God bless the people of Asia and the east coast of Africa that are suffering. The song here is not appropriate for them, but was selected before and we must go on. There is a small tribute at the end of this issue that was sent in by a member along with a link to the Red Cross that could use any small donation you care to give.
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You little M&M wannabees should be happy I don't bunch you all together and use those dreadlocks as the official Campfire mop.
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KEWL FLASH Two new movies this week
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A man met a beautiful lady and decided that he wanted to marry her right away. He told her so. She protested, "We don't know anything about each other!" He replied, "That's all right. We'll learn about each other as we go along." She agreed, and they were married and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck with a gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel. She said, "That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along." So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the ripples from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, and even butterfly. After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" "No," she said, "I was a hooker in Wheeling, West Virginia, and I worked both sides of the river.
Now there is a novel idea. Might even make some bucks LOL
1. You'd rather have a pencil driven through your retina than be exposed to sunlight. 2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "stay still." 3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint. 4. You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets. 5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet. 6. You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position all the while gagging on the smell of dried up vomit on your pajamas. 7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!" 8. All day long your motto is, "Never again ass hole." 9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the Alka Seltzer bottles around your bed. 10. Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut the fuck up!"
I see my Corn Consultant has his dreads on too. Let's get this crap out of the way real quick because some people I know are still nursing hangovers.
There was a crowd of bees flying around one day. These bees were most peculiar. They were powered by gasoline, rather than the allergenic goodies that bees usually eat. As the crowd flew along, periodically a bee or two would start to sputter; it would fly down to a gas station, drink up the gas spilled in fueling a car, and then fly up and rejoin the crowd. One bee began to sputter a little, but flew right by an open gas station. As he passed the second station, he was coughing badly, but still he flew on. Finally, as he was on his last fumes, he dove down to a station and gassed up. When he rejoined the crowd, his neighbor challenged him: "Look, you passed right by an open station when you started to get low. You passed another station when you were perilously low. And finally, you ran out of gas just in time to glide into that last station. Are you crazy?" He replied, "Well, it's like this. The first station was a Gulf station. I really don't like Gulf at all. The second station was a Texaco station. That's even worse. But the third station was an Esso station. Let me tell you, Esso is my brand of gasoline. You know what they say don't you... "There's an Esso Bee in every crowd!"
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication. I think the author of this crap has been spending too much time at the dentist's *Dinitrogen Monoxide tanks.
Now that we all have had our Chemistry lesson for today I have to raid my medicine cabinet because I can't face the world writing this crap without drugs. Better Sanity Through Chemistry This sewer corn smells like rotten eggs or Hydrogen Sulfide H2S to me pukes. What do you think?
What you should have said when you got a Christmas gift you really didn't want:
"Well, well, well, now, there's a gift!" "No, with all the hostile takeovers this year, I missed the big Ronco/K-Tel/Ginsu merger. Would you just look at that! What will they think of next?!" "Hey, as long as I don't have to feed it, or clean up after it, or put batteries in it, I'm happy!" "No, really, I didn't know that there was a Chia Pet tie! Oh, wow! It's a clip-on too!" "You know, I always wanted one of these! Jog my memory - what's it called again?" "You know what?--I'm going to find a special place to put this!" "Boy, you don't see craftsmanship like that every day!" "And it's such an interesting color too!" "You say that was the last one? Am I some glad that you snapped that baby up!" "You shouldn't have! I mean it, you really shouldn't have!"
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies. While walking around the course the English man's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the | ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress. "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices." The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's ten pounds. Go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers." Two holes further along the Irish Man's wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Again her skirt was up over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers either! The Irish man was livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments. "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance I cannot afford to buy undergarments." With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's five pounds. Go to Woolworth's and get some knickers." Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her head revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation to her irate husband was the same as the others: Simply a lack of allowance. The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a comb. The least you can do is tidy yourself up a bit."
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years. The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump. The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms. Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs. The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor. To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
"Since very few people seem to use it, why have it at all," says one. In a small laboratory located in the Swiss Alps, scientists lauded the discovery of a cure for the dreaded disease, Common Sense. Though only afflicting about one percent of the earth's population, doctors believe it will take at least ten years to manufacture and distribute enough of the serum to wipe out the disease completely. We spoke with the head research scientist on this project, Dr. Gregori Razzpuddin. We asked him what makes this discovery so important. His reply: "After many years of studying human behavior patterns, we determined it was easier to rid the population of Common Sense than to attempt to teach it to those that choose not to use it. Now everybody will have the same stupid and erratic behavior. The only drawback is in the United States. The people at the Food and Drug Administration say it could be at least twenty years before the serum can be used there. Which makes no sense to us whatsoever."
You know sometimes it worries me that The Hokey Pokey might just be what it is all about.
I have to ask this guy what he uses for bait. I never had any luck at that fishing hole.
A Lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!" Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute." She said "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"
After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said, ''It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her.'' Adam answered, ''Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?'' The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, ''Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable.'' And the Lord replied, ''Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I'd like you to caress Eve.'' And Adam said, ''What is a 'caress'?'' So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, ''Lord, that was even better than the kiss.'' And the Lord said, ''You've done well Adam. And now, I want you to make love to Eve.'' And Adam asked, ''What is 'make love', Lord?'' So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he re-appeared in two seconds. And Adam said, ''Lord, what is a 'headache'?''
The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret. The priest then tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional. She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit." The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious, Sister Bernadette. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar."
New Years Eve the bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, 'What'll you have?' The guy answers, 'A scotch, please.' The bartender hands him the drink, and says 'That'll be five dollars,' to which the guy replies, 'What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this.' A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, 'You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.' The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, 'Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again.' New Years day, the same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, 'What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!' The guy says, 'What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!' The bartender replies, 'I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.' To which the guy replies, 'Thank you. Make it a scotch.'
I wonder how many accidents this caused.
How would you like to see that in your rear view mirror? Kinda gives a whole new meaning to being rear ended LOL.
Miss Mackie answers your question about life and sex.
Last issues question, choices and results were: Your best friend is becoming a huge pain in the ass. She spends hours on the phone with you whining that she suspects her husband is having affairs with other women. You can't eat, sleep or take a pee without her calling. You are at your wit's end. Do you: a: Sleep with her husband for revenge? 12.50% b: Tell her she's being silly, that her husbands dick is way too small to keep any woman satisfied? 50.00% c: Remind her that she's an ugly bitch with a fat ass, and what else could she expect from the poor guy? 37.50% The winner of the Miss Mackie poll this week is answer b with 50.00% of the vote. You all clicked for the prick, and the winning answer is b
This week's question is for you women or if you guys want to answer for your ole lady fine. Just don't tell anyone because someone just might look at you weird. Oh what the hell you guys deserve a little chuckle too.
Q: How are women and tornadoes alike? A: They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose? A: Full.
Q: What do you call two skunks that are 69ing? A: Odor eaters
Q: What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection? A: An itchy, twitchy twat.
A dude taking a stroll stops in at a clock-shop and lays his dick on the counter. The girl behind the counter walks over and says to him, "This is a CLOCK-shop, not a COCK-shop!" The dude calmly says, "I know, put a face and two hands on it!"
Q: What do you get when you get Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy together? A: A red headed bitch with a yeast infection
Three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands shook. The first geezer said, "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I cut my face!" The second old fogey one-upped him. "My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!" The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times."
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Two features today If you are not returned to this spot use the bookmark menu on the left and select Kewl Flash link.
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One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her. "My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God. "Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways," said the nun. "There must be something you would have of me," said God. "Well, there is one thing," she said. "Just name it," said God. "It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop." "Consider it done," said God. "Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you." "There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun. "Name it. Please," said God. "It's the M&M's," said the blonde nun. "They're so hard to peel."
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer? A: The joystick is wet.
Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas? A: They can't find the zipper.
Q: Why are blondes finally taking up computer skills A: They heard about F-disking a hard drive and it sounded like fun.
A blonde, brunette and redhead were walking along the beach. A seagull fly's over and craps all over the blonde, the brunette say's in a disgusted voice "hang on the bathroom is just up the hill, I'll go get some toilet paper." After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh, the redhead say's "what's so funny?" The blonde say's "well, blondes are suppose to be so dumb and look at her, by the time she gets back with the toilet paper that seagull will be miles away!"
A blonde gets two horses from the ranch, but she can't tell them apart. She goes to her neighbor for some advice. The neighbor tells her to go cut off part of the tail of one of the horses. The blonde decides to do that. The next day the other horse had his tail stuck to a barbed-wire fence. The blonde has to cut that one off too. She goes back to her neighbor for some advice. The neighbor tells her to go cut off part of one of the horses' left ear. She does this, and sure enough, the other horse his left ear caught in the same barbed-wire fence. She has to cut part of that ear off, too. She goes back to her neighbor, and he tells her to go measure their heights, so she can tell the difference between them. She does. She goes back to the neighbor and the neighbor asked her about the measurement and the blonde replied "The black horse is two inches taller than the white horse."
Natron Fubble tried to rob a Miami delicatessen, but the owner broke Fubble's nose by hitting it with a giant salami. Fubble fled and hid in the trunk of a parked car. The car belonged to a police undercover team that was trailing another criminal's truck. After five days, the officers finally heard Fubble whimpering and arrested him. The smell of garlic in the trunk must have got to him he he.
Police in Bari, Italy, arrested a man suspected of snatching handbags to finance his drug addiction after he sped past one woman on his motorcycle and snatched her purse. The woman was his mother, who recognized him and reported him, said a police spokesperson, adding, "We were rather surprised by the whole episode, I must admit."
[Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in he was trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."
On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous! Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."
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VISIT THE CHILI PAGE FOR SOME CLASSIC LAUGHS
Today's Cartoon by Fitz
Use you browser back button to return here or hold your shift key down when you click the link or right click and open in new window. That will open the link in it's own separate page and you can just click the x and you are right back here.
Porn Pong no nudity of course LOL Beer Drinkers against the mistreatment of beer. LOL Genuine Woman's farts for sale on Ebay LMAO Film Fights. People submit their home made funny videos. Oh, oh when will your die. Dare to find out :-) LOL this is hillarious. Hillary 2008 Be advised some rough language ahead LMAO Just close the window when done.
With New Years here it will be very hard for millions to celebrate anything.
With the New Year here I think that somewhere in everyone's mind right now are a million questions with the Tragedy In Asia.. Whilst we continue our celebrations and give our thoughts to those we love and care for I would like to take one single moment of everyone's time to remember that millions of people out there tonight, tomorrow and for many years will be asking Why? And there are no answers Thank you Blaze and Missy for passing this on. If you can support the Red Cross Red Cross International Relief Fund
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"LEAVE NO AMERICAN BEHIND"
I was working late on the web site and mentioned to my wife that I was so tired and my head hurt so bad it was not funny. She replied "Why would it be funny in the first place?" What a smart ass. Grrrrrrrrrr
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Is it appropriate to put a gay man in a straight jacket?
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Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first?
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Why do ballet dancers always dance on their toes? Wouldn't it be easier to just hire taller dancers?
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Natural gas is hemispheric. I like to call it hemispheric in nature because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods. George Bush Sounds like a lot of hot air to me.
Now for the haunting question we have all been looking for the answer to: Why aren't there any white M&Ms???
Because they would enslave the black M&Ms, steal all the red M&Ms' land, hunt the blue M&Ms to extinction, accuse the yellow M&Ms of obstructing trade, start a panic that the little green M&Ms were invading Earth, and complain that the brown M&Ms were taking all their jobs.
I hope you all had a good time Tribe. See you next issue. Too see what your new years Horoscope is visit the page link below this picture :-)
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