Hello tribe, another issue for you, where has the time gone...already the middle of May. Thank you for the jokes and links you send. I leave most of the links for Teresa, because she does a great job. As does Bill putting this page together.....kudos to them. Enjoy...............

This web page is intended for people over 18 only!!! If you aren't over 18, PLEASE leave and come back WHEN you ARE !!!!

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Special thanks to Teresa for the great tag

Today's kudos

Linda

Paddy was walking through a town one day when he say a shop with a notice in the window. The notice said "We sell everything". Paddy could not believe this so he went inside walked to the counter and asked the salesperson,

"Do you really sell everything?"

The salesperson said "Yes, everything."

Thinking this was too good to be true Paddy said "OK then could I have a jumper for a chicken?"

The salesperson said "A jumper for a chicken?, hold on I will have to check the stock out the back". Five minutes later, the salesperson returned with a brown paper bag. "Here you go, one jumper for a chicken."

"How much?" asked Paddy.

"Three quid." replied the salesperson."

Three quid for a jumper for a chicken - excellent." said Paddy. So away he went as happy as a lark.

When he got outside he thought to himself that maybe the salesperson was wrong, so he looked inside the bag. At the bottom of the bag was a condom. He was mad and stormed back into the shop and screamed at the salesperson,

"Hey, I asked you for a jumper for a chicken and you have given me a condom - what's going on?"

The salesperson replied,

"Sorry mate, I checked in the back and we seem to be all out of jumpers for chickens, all we had was a pullover for a cock."

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one as they held onto their "tools" to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."

"No, ma'am," he replied, "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the 4th, but thanks for the lift."

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied: "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.

If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."

Three hookers were comparing notes about their customers from the night before.

"I entertained a cowboy last night," said the first.

"How did you know he was a cowboy?" asked the second.

"Well, he wore a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, and kept both the hat and the boots on all the time we were together."

"Sounds like a cowboy, all right," the others agree.

"I entertained a lawyer," announced the second. "I could tell because he wore a three piece suit and packed a briefcase. He wore the vest of the suit and hung on to the briefcase all the time."

They all agreed he sounded like a lawyer.

"I had a grain farmer for a client," commented the third.

"How could you possibly know he was a grain farmer?" one asked.

"First he complained it was too dry, then he whined it was too wet, then he asked if he could pay me in the fall."

Have you heard about the brown nosed duck?

He could fly just as fast as the other ducks but couldn't stop as fast.

What's a proctologist?

A crack investigator.

00000

Opposites attract. Except in San Francisco.

Way.... back in da Louisiana swamp, Der lived a family named Geautroux, Gaston & Clouteal.

One mornin' Gaston got in his Pe'rouge (a flat bottom canoe) a paddled inta' town to go to work. Dat evenin' he come paddelin' home and Clouteal was standin' on da bank of da bayou.

Ol' Gaston asked, "How you doin' taday Cherre?"

Clouteal said, "Ya no dat big ass alligator dat live behind da house?"

Gaston said, "Ya..."

"Well,...... He ate one of da kids!!"

Ol' Gaston jumped up and started to yell!! "Wat da matta wit you woman!!"

She said, "Gaston, Dats alrite, we go to bed and make another one."

Gaston tought a little bit and he reluctantly agreed.

About a year later, Gaston was commin' home again and she was standin' on da bank. He says, "How you doin' honey?"

She says, "OK, but dat big ass alligator ate another one of da kids!!"

Gaston flew into a rage!!

Clouteal said, "Don't worry, I'll jus make sometin' ta eat and we can go ta bed and make another one!"

Gaston once again reluctantly agreed.

About a year later Gaston was commin' home again and she was standin' on da bank. Gaston was afraid ta ask how she was doin'.

She said, "Dat Allegator ate another one if da kids!!"

Ol' Gaston jumped up and threw his paddle down an stomped inside da house wit Clouteal close behind.

She said, "It's OK, I'll cook somtin' and we can make another one!!"

Gaston turned to her and said, "What are you woman couyan' (crazy)? "If you tink I'm gonna work all day and f*ck all nite ta feed dat big ass allegator, Ya Crazy!!!!"

LOL

A sweet young man walked into an army recruiting office. After answering numerous questions, he was finally asked if he was a homosexual. The guy readily admitted that he was.

"Gay, huh?" the brawny recruiter growled. "Do you think you could kill a man?"

"Oh my god, yes," the man giggled, "but it would take days and days."

"Condoleezza Rice testified this morning before the 9-11 commission.

Or as they’re calling it in Washington, "The Passion of the Rice".

She did a great job. It is not easy raising your right hand while

you’re trying to cover your ass as the same time."

~Jay Leno~

This is a big story ... Down in Disney World, a person in the Tigger costume (the Winnie the Pooh character) got into trouble for fondling a young girl and her mother. He had his arms around them and was grabbing their breasts.

It actually could've been a lot worse for the girls -- you know, he could've been Captain Hook.

~ Jay Leno~

"Saudi Arabian clerics blamed the nation's drought Friday on the activities of sinful women. Life is harsh there. If women in Saudi Arabia commit adultery, they get stoned. Unlike the women in Los Angeles, who get stoned and *then* commit adultery."

~Argus Hamilton~

It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.

~Tallulah Bankhead~

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You know all this talk about self-examination? Well, I checked myself and felt two lumps right below my penis.

I wasn't worried tho'... I remembered I am SINGLE and I still have mine.

~Bud~

This lovely young girl is sitting in a train carriage on her own when a crusty old guy comes in, eating a tray of king prawns. He sits opposite her, shelling his prawns and flicking the shells on the floor.

Occasionally he tosses one onto the lady's lap with a sneer. When he's finished the meal he casually screws up the polystyrene tray he's been eating from and throws it at the girl's face.

The young lady calmly stands up, picks the shells off the floor, puts them back in the tray and throws the whole mess out the window. Then she walks over to the emergency stop button and thumps it hard.

"You dumb bitch," the dirty old man burps. "That's gonna cost you $100!"

"Yeah," she replied, "but when the police smell your fingers it's gonna cost you 10 years."

"What's that drink you're mixing," the stranger asked the bartender in the upscale Tex-Mex bar.

"I call it a lil' Texas Shooter," said the bartender as he continued to mix up several batches of the drink.

"What's in it?" asked the stranger.

"Sugar, milk and rum," said the bartender.

"Is it good?" asked the man.

"Sure is senor," said the bartender smiling. "The sugar gives you pep, and the milk gives you plenty of energy."

"And the rum?" asked the stranger.

"Hell man. That gives ya plenty of ideas what to do with all that pep and energy, "quipped the bartender.

The Top 15 Rediscovered Episodes of Classic TV Shows

15>   Mork & Mindy: Mork is detained by the Department of Homeland Security.

14>   Star Trek: Kirk introduces nurse Chapel to his "personal phaser" and sets it to vibrate.

13>   Gomer Pyle, USMC: "Surprise, surprise, surprise!" Gomer has trouble keeping a "don't ask, don't tell" secret.

12>   M*A*S*H: Radar finally loses his virginity after the 4077th gets a shipment of sheep.

11>  All in the Family: Gloria threatens to divorce Michael unless he changes his nickname to Vegetablehead.

10>   Cheers: It's pot-luck night and Woody brings a hookah. "High"-jinks ensue.

9>   Howdy Doody: Howdy faces his draft-dodging past when confronted by his decorated Korean War veteran brother, Tourov.

8>   The Love Boat: A surprise mutiny results in Captain Stubing being hung from the yardarm as Isaac the bartender's reign of terror begins.

7>   My Mother the Car: Feeling old and unattractive, Mother has some new "air bags" installed.

6>   Bewitched: Mrs. Kravitz catches Samantha in bed with both Darrins at the same time.

5>   The Honeymooners: In an ironic twist, Alice is chosen to be the first woman to participate in the space program.

4>   Green Acres: Arnold comes down with mad pig disease.

3>   Three's Company: Jack overhears something shocking and rather than jumping to conclusions, asks if he might have misunderstood. The crisis averted, the roommates spend the rest of the episode tending to their pet rock.

2>   Lassie: Timmy's "Fire Hydrant" Halloween costume is accidentally ruined.

... and Topfive.com's Number 1 Rediscovered Episode

of a Classic TV Show ...

1>   The Brady Bunch: Marcia's plan to make extra money as a "lady of the evening" goes awry when serial murderer Sam the Butcher becomes her first customer.

The Special Israeli army unit was crossing the desert and most of the men were on camels. Lt. Shalomon had a very stubborn camel, and finally it stopped dead in its tracks and refused to move another step. The rest of the unit moved on, leaving Shalomon along with his mulish camel.

Shalomon sat on the camel for three hours. He kicked the camel. He pleaded with it and shouted curses, but the camel would not budge. He dismounted and was standing disconsolately at its side when a woman soldier drove up in a jeep and asked him if he needed help. Lt. Shalomon explained to her that the camel wouldn't budge.

"Oh, I can fix that," she said jumping out of her jeep. She reached down and put her hand under the camel's belly. The camel jumped up and down, and then took off at the rate of half a mile a minute. Lt. Shalomon was astounded.

"Ma'am, what did you do? What's the trick ?"

"Its simple, Lieutenant. I just tickled his balls."

"Well, ma'm, you'd better tickle mine too, because I've got to catch that camel!"

The driver of an armored truck in Edmonton, Alberta appeared to be signaling for help as he repeatedly swung his door open. After six police cruisers chased and stopped the truck, it turned out, the driver had simply tried to fan fresh air into the cabin after the other guard had passed gas.

Stockholm, Sweden - Customs officers in Stockholm, Sweden arrested a woman who had tried to smuggle 75 live snakes in her bra.The officers became suspicious when they noticed how the woman kept scratching her chest.

...I've heard of padded bras, some put money in them, but snakes !?!

In Detroit, Oregon, a hunter thought he had found a severed human head in an abandoned mining shed and called the police. Deputy Larry Taylor realized it was just the head of a manne-quin when he noticed a price sticker on the forehead.

...I've heard of putting a price on someone's head.....but.......

A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun.

He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day! The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.

When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees, "Golf: $1. 00, Dinner: $1.00, Room: $1.00, Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00." He hits the ceiling!

Calling over to the manager, he asks, "What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?"

"I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost."

"Well," said the man, "if I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!"

"That's right, sir, you could have," said the manager. "Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!

A state legislator is awakened in the middle of the night by his wife, who whispers, "I think there's a thief in the house." "Not in the House, my dear," her husband says. "In the Senate, sure, but not in the House."

BERLIN (Reuters) - A German laid up in hospital with multiple fractures telephoned out for a prostitute to help him end weeks of sexual frustration. But it ended up costing more than he bargained for, police said on Wednesday.

Unable to walk, he gave the woman his bank card to collect her fee and she helped herself to his cash.

"I'm told it's a common problem in hospitals. People get frisky," said Wolfgang Jungnitsch, a police inspector from Nordhessen district in central Germany.

The 47-year-old car crash victim had asked the woman, described in her newspaper ad as "Blonde Angel, aged 18",to take 150 euros

(100 pounds) from his bank account.

Only later did he discover she had taken 2,000 euros - all the more expensive since he had sent the woman away without having sex for fear of getting caught.

Your standard of living improves when you go camping

Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens.

You have jacked up your home to look for a dog.

Your neighbor has asked to borrow a quart of beer.

There is a belch on your answering machine greeting.

You have rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode.

None of the tires on your van are the same size.

You hold the hood of your car with your head while you work on it.

Your town put the new garbage truck in the Christmas parade.

Your local beauty salon also fixes cars.

Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet.

You've ever slow danced in the Waffle House.

Starting your car involves popping the hood.

Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays.

You whistle at women in church.

You actually wear shoes your dog brought home.

You've been in a fistfight at a yard sale

You carry a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach the kids in the backseat

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.

"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."

"That's the same with us," the American said,

"only we see stars, too."

Military Vet Chat - Home

AZ Desert Beauty

http://archangel.clubchat.com/blonde.html

(This is a riot....blonde call)

http://www.rockisallyouneed.com

(Up and coming band-check them out )

Owing to the advance in medical technology, surgical technique and the fact that silicone breast implants have been determined to be perfectly safe, a California cosmetic surgery practice is opening a new office where breast augmentation surgery is done on an outpatient basis in about 30 minutes.

They are going to call the practice, "Jiffy Boob."

Q: a blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?

A: tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

A blonde called in a repairman to fix her electric clock.

He examined it and told her, "There's nothing wrong with the clock.

You didn't have it plugged in."

She replied, "I don't want to waste electricity, so I only plug it in when I want to know what time it is."

Morris had died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Morris' Last Will and Testament.

"To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 150 acres of land, and 1 million dollars.

To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the new Jaguar.

To my daughter Shirley, I leave my yacht and $250,000.

And to my brother-in-law Aaron, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my treadmill."

People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true! I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab.

One took the tires and the radio; the other took the engine.

You've got to know about Skoal to appreciate this one. For you non-Okies... the container for this 'snuff' is very large, flat and round, and the cowboy carries it in his back Jean pocket.

Prior to her trip to Oklahoma, Buffy (a New Yorker) confided to her sorority sisters she had three goals for her trip to the Sooner State. She wanted to taste some real Bar-B-Que, take in a bona fide rodeo, and have sex with a real cowboy.

Upon her return, her sorority sisters were curious as to how she fared.

"Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Hickory and when they slow cook that brisket over that Hickory, it's oh so good. The taste is unbelievable!" "And, I went to a real rodeo... Talk about athletes! Those guys wrestle full-grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop then jump off the horses and grab the bulls by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!"

They then asked, "Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?"

"Are you kidding? Once I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!

Laura came home from Nursery School one day and announced that Kevin had pee-peed in the yard. Since Laura was one of the older children in the Nursery School group, her parents wanted to impress on her that she should try to help the younger children learn right from wrong. To find the right approach, her mother asked:

"Well, Laura honey, how big is Kevin?

"Where upon Laura held her two index fingers an inch or so apart and said "Oh, about this big."

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the

checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear,

"PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE."

That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS."

In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom,

"DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND

YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

This young swimmer from the Australian Olympic team manages to sneak his new girlfriend, a gorgeous Danish gymnast, into his room at the Olympic Village. Once she's inside, he quickly switches out all the lights, and they rapidly disrobe and leap onto his bed in a flurry of athletic achievement.

After about twenty minutes of wild sex, they both collapse back on the bed in exhaustion. The girl looks admiringly across at the swimmer in the dim light. His beautifully-developed muscles, tanned skin and smooth-shaven scalp glisten with little beads of sweat as he lays beside her. She's really pleased to have met this guy.

At this point, the swimmer slowly struggles up from the bed. He fumbles the lid off a bottle on the bedside table, pours himself a small shot in a glass, and drinks it down in one gulp. Then he stands bolt upright, takes a deep breath, and in a surprisingly energetic motion, dives under the bed, climbing out the other side and beating his chest like a gorilla. Then he vaults back on top of the girl and commences a frantic repeat performance.

The Danish girl is very impressed with the gusto of this second encounter. Somehow the Aussie has completely recovered from his previous exhaustion! After nearly half an hour of wild activity in every possible position, the gasping male swimmer again crawls out of bed and swallows another shot of the mysterious liquid. Once more he dives under the bed, emerges on the other side, beats his chest and commences to make love all over AGAIN.

The girl is just amazed and delighted as the action continues at the same sweltering pace as before. In the darkness, she can't properly see what kind of tonic is causing these incredible transformations, but she sure likes the effect! More than an hour later, after another repeat of the strange drinking ritual on his part, and a whole string of ecstatic multiple orgasms on her part, the Danish girl is now feeling rather faint herself.

"Just a minute, big boy," she whispers to the panting bald-headed Aussie, I think I need to try some of your tonic!" She rises unsteadily and pours a small shot of the liquid. She braces herself for some sort of medicinal effect, but actually it just tastes like Coca-Cola! Then she stands up straight, takes a deep breath and dives under the bed....only to smash straight into the three other exhausted members of the Australian relay team.

Grandpa sees Little Johnny walking with a lantern and asks,

"Where ya going, boy?"

Little Johnny grinned and replied,

"I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue."

Grandpa sneered, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no damn lantern."

"Sure Gramps, but look what you got."

It was at a cocktail party and the guy was getting nowhere with a really stunning blonde. Finally, he consulted the host, a buddy, about the situation and the latter thought a bit, then said, "Look let me mix her up one of my special Zombies. It'll get her so stiff that she'll go to bed with ya just like your wife."

"Hell no." reacted the guy. "I don't want her THAT stiff."

YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN A REDNECK CHURCH IF............

1. The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members know how to play one.

2. People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the multitudes, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

3. The Pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering."

Then five guys and two women stand up.

4. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

5. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel drive

truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

6. The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

7. In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

8. Baptism is referred to as "branding".

9. There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.

10. Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.

11. High notes on the pump organ set the coon dogs on the floor to

howling.

12. People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

13. The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized washtub.

14. The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo

from) "The Happy Hawg Bar-B-Q."

15. The collection plates were really hub caps from a '53 DeSoto.

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