June 07, 2004
 

Hello Tribe.........I can't believe the Chief is so down on us cowgirls.....just 'cause we know how to lasso those doggies and tie them up !!! I have a secret about Bill......in my neighborhood, I have to dodge the golf carts, Bill has to dodge the camels

!!! Enjoy Tribe..........

Hey not nice LOL. Remember I edit this ha ha ha

;-)

A young lady went out one evening with a brewery owner.  She arrived at home late that evening with Blue Ribbons in her hair, Schlitz in her skirt, Budweiser.

Whorehouse: A nymph lode.

A pretty lady named Eunice, gets a new job working in a sperm bank, and her friend, Kathy asks "What all do you do there?"

Eunice says, "Well I just sit in the reception area, greet all the men who come in, and try to act cordial to all of them.  I point out to them where they should go, and when they come out, I say, 'Thank you for CUMING."

Three men, an American, a German, and a Scotsman are driving along and see a sheep caught in a barbed wire fence with its ass stuck in the air.

The American says "Geez, I wish that was Cindy Crawford".

The German says "Man, I wish it was Elle McPherson."

The Scotsman says "I just wish it was dark out!"

Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak visited President Bush at the ranch in Crawford, Texas the other day. At one point, Mubarak asked the President,

"Have you ever seen the Pyramid?"

  To which Bush said, "I'm more of a Wheel of Fortune guy."

Pfizer Corp. is making the announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims:

"It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one."

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink. This additive gives new meaning to descriptions like cocktails, highballs and just a good old fashioned stiff drink.

How do you get your husband interested in oral sex?

Douche with beer

5   Your flight to L.A. lands at every Stuckey's between Nashville and Flagstaff.

4   During the safety demo, instead of using the prop provided by the airline, the flight attendant grabs the oxygen mask off of the old guy in the first row.

3   Your request for connection information gets you: "Sure,your lips and my ass."

2    The pilot announces that the flight will be delayed until he's done with the flight attendant.

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign an Airline No Longer Gives a Crap...

#1     

"If anyone on board knows Arabic, the captain would like your help playing a little trick on those whiny brats in the control tower."

At a Proctologist's door

"To expedite your visit please back in."

Sidney has a problem with premature ejaculation, so he pays a visit to a sex shop for a remedy. The clerk shows him to the section where he points out a little purple can and says,

"This is  Stay-Hard spray... put on a little and you can go all night!"

Excited, Sidney takes it home, stashes it in the cellar on a shelf, and waits eagerly for bedtime. Later that night, he sprays some on his member and then goes upstairs to his wife. To his utter disappointment, however, the remedy seems to make him orgasm quicker than ever.

The next day, Sidney returns to the sex shop, angrily slammed the can down on the counter, and snaps,

"This stuff makes me worse than before!"

Upon reading the label, the clerk asks,

"I don't suppose your hid this stuff on your basement shelf, did you?"

"Yeah, so?"

"You must have grabbed the wrong can, sir... this is Easy-Off."

Q: What's the difference between Hard and Light?

A: You can go to sleep with a light on.

Three female cats were bragging about their kittens.

The first cat said, "My kittens are part Persian. Their father was a pure Persian cat." The third cat said nothing.

The second cat said, "Well, that is nothing. My kittens are part Siamese. Their father was a pure bread Siamese." The third cat still said nothing.

Then the first two cats asked her, "What are your kittens?"

She replied, "Oh, I don't know. I had my head stuck in the tuna can at the time."

Q: What do politicians and porn stars in common?

A: They're both experts at changing positions in front of a camera.

Golfer walks into the pro shop at the local course and asks the golf pro if they sell   ball markers. The golf pro says they do, and they are $1.00. The guy gives the golf pro a dollar... The golf pro opens the register, puts the dollar in and hands him a penny.
(I'm going to start selling ball markers at the golf courses )

You can always spot an employee who's playing golf with his boss.  He's the man who gets a hole in one and says "OOPS!"

SIGN OVER A GYNECOLOGIST'S OFFICE:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

(Got Milk?1?)

As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter came into the room.  Never having seen anyone breast-feed before, she was full of questions.

After mulling over my answers, she remarked,

"My mom has some of those too, but the only one who gets to use them is Daddy."

Urban Legends Reference Pages: Automobiles (Pink Lady)

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde says, "Look at that dog with one eye!"

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?" 

Why do blondes stand under light bulbs? It's the closest they'll come to a bright idea.

The Prom Queen was alone with her beau, a Pastor's son, in her home. They were watching a romantic video, and she turned to see him on his knees praying. "Oh Peter," she cried. "You are such a sweet guy. I should have known you'd never try anything with me until we were married."

There was an odd gleam in his eye as he looked up. "Please be quiet Mary." he whispered hoarsely. "Can't you see I'm saying grace?"

You know what you get when you combine Verizon and Viagra?
"Can you feel me now, can you feel me now  "

I was driving my car down a side street the other day when all of a sudden this cat jumped out in front of me. I hit the brakes, but I heard a thump, so I stopped. There was the cat lying right in the road. It was still alive, but I apparently had run over its tail and the force of the tire had cut it off.

A lady came running out of a house screaming, "You killed my cat!!"  I told her, "No, he's O. K., except for the tail, and I'll fix that."  I went into the trunk of my car and got out a roll of duct tape and taped the cat's tail back on.

The lady immediately blushed and called the cops.  A cop showed up and immediately gave me a ticket.

Boy, was I pissed off. I had to go to court, and was convicted. What a bummer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  All for retailing pussy in a residential area....

If tennis players get tennis elbow, what do gynecologists get?
Tunnel vision!

I guess you heard the big story - the Jackson 5 is getting back together.

Well, it's just for the police line-up, but hey!"

In the summer of 1940 the young ice man drove his pickup truck up and down the streets looking at the "ice cards" hung on the screen doors of the residents who had ice boxes. The cards usually had 3 settings; 12 1/2 lbs, 25 lbs and 50 lbs. 

It was a poor time and two old sisters lived alone and sometimes would show their card for 12 1/2 lbs.  The young man knew they never paid their bill but he always stopped and took all the broken pieces off his truck and tried to pack their small wooden ice box.

One day, after he had packed their box one of the sisters stepped out on the back porch and asked to speak to the young man. She seemed very shy and embarrassed, saying, "Young man my sister and I know you have helped us and knowing we could not pay. We have read in books that sometimes women offer their bodies for sex in exchange for favors. Since we have no money we decided to do that for you and since I am the youngest I am offering myself."

The young feller tried to convince her that it was not necessary but after she insisted he finally said, "Okay" and they proceeded. After he dressed he took out his receipt book and wrote "PAID IN FULL" and handed it to the sister.

She looked at the bill for only a second and blurted, "Now, look here, young man, we got that ice a little piece at a time and we intend paying for it the same way!"

What's indecent......??
If it's hard enough, long enough, and in far enough, it's indecent!

Two little boys were sitting on the dock talking. One little boy turned to the other little boy and said,

"My grandfather has a wooden leg."

The other little boy replied, "So what?

My grandma has a cedar chest."

One day in class, the teacher told everyone to turn to a blank sheet of paper in their notebooks. She noticed that Bubba, a rather dense jock, was having trouble with her directions. "Have you found a blank piece yet, Bubba?" asked the teacher.

"Nope. I haven't," he said. "Somebody went through and drew lines across all the pages."

- As far as marketing goes, these are the top slogans being considered:
- Its "Whazzzzzz Up".

- The quicker pecker upper.

- Like a rock.

- When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.

- Be all that you can be.

- Reach out and touch someone.

- Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

- Taste great ... More filling.

- We bring good things to life.

- This is your penis. This is your penis on Viagra. Any questions?

- Get a piece of the rock.

- Here's the beef!

- You've come a long way, baby.

- Viagra, it plumps when you take 'em.

- Viagra, built ram tough.

- Just do her.

- One-a-day, like iron.

- Home of the whopper.

- It plumps when you take 'em.

- Ten inches long ... and growing.

- We work harder, so you don't have to

Sign in the window of a home cookin' restaurant in Phoenix:

The best piece of chicken you'll ever get without being a rooster!

The Japanese are sending us 50,000,000 cases of Viagra.

They've heard we can't get an election.

A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing.  The friend was amazed at the number of Nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc.
    
  "Why all the attention ?" the friend asked. "You look fine to me."
      
"I know !" grinned the patient. "But the Nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required thirty-seven stitches."

  You'd think that at some point the little piggy that went to market might swing by the pharmacy and pick up something for the one with the uncontrollable bladder.

What did one sagging tit say to the other sagging tit?

If we don't get some support, they will think we're NUTS !!!

"What's this I hear about you breaking off your engagement Bernice? said her closest friend.

"Well," Bernice confirmed, "Although his diamond was of pretty good quality, his mounting left a lot to be desired."

A girl of 23 married a man of 84, and they asked her how things went.  

"Well," she laughed, "Did you ever try to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank?"

I'm in serious trouble.  I got caught urinating in the shower this morning.  It seems they frown on that at Home Depot.

The catholic priest in a small town had become very perturbed, and he decided to lay it on the line to the congregation.

"Brothers and sisters," he said solemnly. "It has come to my attention that immorality is rampant in our fair town. To be specific, it is being said there is not one virgin left. This vile lie must and shall be refuted. In order to do so, I ask every virgin in the congregation to rise."

Not a woman stirred.

"I understand the modesty that would make a young lady hesitate
to announce her condition publicly," the priest intoned. "But it is
necessary to do so. Young women, I ask those who are truly virgins to
rise."

Still not a woman stirred and wrath now moved the priest.

"Will you, for the fear of experiencing a small shame, incur a great one? I ask you in the name of Mother Mary herself. Let all virgins stand!"

As his thunderous tones died away, a young lady, far in the rear, with a
baby in her arms, rose bashfully. The preacher stared with astonishment
at her.

"Young woman, I have asked for virgins to stand."

"Father," the young lady answered indignantly, "do you really expect this six-month-old child to stand by herself?"

"The Bolshoi Ballet in Russia has fired one of Russia's best  known ballerinas after some of the male dancers complained she was too fat to lift. They called her the nutcracker."

 ~~ Jay Leno ~~

Sex would smell like chocolate.

Farts would smell like roses.

Dogs would smell spring fresh.

Babies would come from vending machines.

Men would be born with a permanent erection.

All women would have the same size breasts.

There would be no cellulite.

Every food on the planet would be FAT FREE.

Men would be born with an "OFF" switch.

There would be no "Titty Bars." Male Revue would continue.

Every man's paycheck would be made payable to his wife.

All menstrual cycles would be replaced with a 5-8 day vacation in Hawaii.

Men would inherit the menstrual cycle.

Men would come with software to be custom designed.

Men would come equipped with a homing device for quick location by wife.

Men would have built in lie detector on forehead for instant verification
of the truth.

Men would be intelligent enough to tell the difference between six inches
and three inches.

Sex would last longer than 30 seconds.

Foreplay would not be a quick slap on the fanny and a kiss on the cheek.
Viagra becomes an over the counter drug

The newly-hatched snake and the newly-born rabbit came face to face. Both were so young their eyes had not yet opened. Neither knew what the other was, so they decided to feel each other and make a guess.

First the snake slithered over the rabbit and then concluded:
"You have warm fur, whiskers, long ears and you hop around. You must be a bunny."

Then the rabbit ran its paws over the snake. "You are slippery, you crawl on the ground, and have no balls. You must be a politician.".

RESEARCHERS BAFFLED (AP) Bethesda, MD

 The U.S. Navy Medical Corps has concluded an extensive pharmaceutical study in which an equal number of Marines and sailors were administered weekly doses of Viagra.

Researchers are at a loss to explain why all of the Sailors achieved enhanced sexual prowess, while the Marines simply grew taller.
(Oh boy, I'm going to hear about this from the marines......lol )

A student attending a college in Idaho fell from his window while mooning a friend. The student then sued the college, claiming that it had not provided adequate information about the dangers of upper-story windows.  
(I've heard of falling stars but a moon, or maybe he was selling crack... )

*****************

Undignified Deaths: After a bout of heavy drinking, a landscape worker, riding home with his buddies, fell to his death while trying to urinate out of the open door of their car at about 25 mph (Croesgoch, Wales, November).  And a 46-year-old man became the most recent to fall to his death on the side of a highway after stopping his car in the dark and searching for a place to urinate ,but falling 300 feet off a cliff. (Columbia, Calif., March).
(That's why we women always say.....stop at the next rest area.......)

"In the 2002 race for Michigan Attorney General the two candidates are
Republican Mike Cox and Democrat Gary Peters. My wife and I had been discussing the upcoming elections, and a political ad came on my TV praising Cox's firearms stance and NRA support and booing Peters' gun control platform while she was in the kitchen fixing dinner. I yelled out to the kitchen, 'Which do you prefer Cox or Peters?'

Her reply was,
'Neither, I have a headache."'

"After 10 years of marriage sex with my wife is down to three times a year."

"Same here pal. As a matter of fact, if mine wouldn't sleep with her mouth open, I'd have none at all."

"McDonald's announced they're going to soon begin accepting credit cards: this way, your debt can balloon right along with your ass."

-Jay Leno-

Men know that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.

Men know that PMS is Mother Nature's way of telling you to get out of the house.

Men know never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.

Men know that cats are evil and cannot be trusted.

Men know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.

Men know exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them.

Men know that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself.

Men know that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare at her cleavage.  Men also know that the woman will get pissed off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.

Men know that it's never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how good his daughter is in bed.

Men know that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there.

A man got pulled over by the police today because my car didn't have any
hub caps on the tires.

He asked, "What's the charge officer?"

The cop answered, "It's Indecent Exposure."

The man exclaimed, "Indecent exposure?!!!"

The cop said,  "YES! You can't just ride around with your Nuts showing!"

Fred went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem,
but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh."

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Fred said, and proceeded to drop his trousers,
revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been size of a peanut.  Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry, "Said the doctor. "I really am.....  I don't know what came over me.

On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again.

Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred replied

Sex is Like Math
Add the bed
Subtract the clothes
Divide the legs, and
Multiply !!!

   A 36 year old married woman filed a lawsuit against Delta Airlines for being publicly humiliated after she boarded a Delta Airlines flight with her husband in Dallas, Texas on a stop over from Las Vegas, Nevada to her home in Clearwater, Florida.

       After boarding, the woman surprisingly heard her name being called on the plane's P.A. system asking her to identify herself and to please come forward.

       Alarmed, the woman complied, and was greeted by a Delta security agent who informed her that something in her luggage was vibrating.  The woman was escorted off of the plane by the security agent and lead to the tarmac next to the plane where her luggage had been placed. The woman explained to the security agent that the vibrating must be from an adult toy she purchased while in Las Vegas.

       The security agent, not being satisfied with this representation, made the woman remove the toy from the luggage and hold it up for inspection, in full view of curious passengers looking out the windows of the plane -- as well as in front of a few Delta ground personnel who, as the complaint alleges, "began laughing hysterically."

       The woman was allowed to repack her luggage and return to her seat on the plane.  Albeit, a little red faced we're sure.

( I bet she takes the batteries out when she packs next time....lolol)

"Sex is like going to the gas station.
Sometimes you get full service, and sometimes you have to go to self-serve."

Little Johnny was walking near a ladies fashion store when he observed this knockout blonde approaching him.

He says to the lady, "You are a gal with my favorite kind of legs!"

The blonde asks, "And just what kind of legs are they?"

Little Johnny says, " Peanut butter legs......easy to spread."

I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot.
It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there:

They have no wife to go home to....OR they do.

A redneck named Bubba was tired of hearing redneck jokes that used the name, Bubba.  He went to court and changed his name.
The judge asked," and what name do you want it changed to?" He said, "Candy."
The judge replied, "Candy?  "C-A-N-D-Y is that right?
Yes thats right, your honor." said Bubba
The judge put the name on the papers before him and said, legally, your name is now, Candy."
He rushed over to tell his girlfriend. He knocked on her door and heard "who's there?"
He said, "It's me!
She said, "come on in Bubba, the doors unlocked."
He said, "It's not Bubba."
She said, "Yes it is, I recognize your voice."
He said, "It ain't Bubba no more cause I done legally changed it."
She asked, "what it is?"
He said, "Guess."
She said, "Leroy?"
He answered, "No."
She said, "Johnny?"
He answered, "No."
She said, "Hell, I give up, come on in."
He said, "Wait, I'll gives ya a hint. Ya holds it in ya hand
and ya puts it in ya mouth.
"Oh!...  Come on in, Dick."

Go on. Add some variety to your sex life; use the other hand

Last week my boss said he was going to garnish my wages. Call me dense, but I fail to see how a sprig of parsley in my paycheck will make it any more attractive.