The Ex-Prime Minister of Canada, Jean Chretien, was making an official state visit to Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan. All the locals are quite excited to have the Prime Minister come to their town for the first time ever, and they've prepared quite a welcome for him. When he steps off of the plane, everyone is quite taken aback to see the P.M., while dressed otherwise quite normally, looking especially resplendent in a magnificent fox hat - like a Daniel Boone coonskin, only made of fox.

The cameras are clicking away as he steps off the plane. After the official greetings are over, and the mayor of Moose Jaw has a private moment with the P.M. away from the cameras and onlookers, he finally unleashes his curiosity. "Excuse me, Mr. Prime Minister, but I must ask.  I have never seen you wearing this magnificent fox hat before, and I wonder why you chose to wear it to our humble town?"

The P.M. replies, "Well, monsieur mayor, eh, 'dat is quite simple, you see. When I was leaving da 'ouse dis morning, I said to my wife, Aline, I said, 'Aline, I am going to Moose Jaw for dah firs' time today!  Do you thank I should wear uh anythang speshal in honour of dis inaugural visit?'

       "And Aline, my wife, she said to me 'Moose Jaw?  Where da fock's 'at?'"
 

Q: What do Disney World & VIAGRA have in common?

A: They both make you wait an hour for a five minute ride.

A:  A pick pocket snatches watches.
 

Albert Einstein married his cousin. He had tried to date outside his family circle, but he never found any of the other women appealing, especially in the boob department-that weren't within his familial group. He postulated that there is a special attraction to women in one's own family in his Theory of Relative-Titty.
 

Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy. "It ain't my fault," Miss Crabtree.  "You can blame this on my dad. The reason I'm three hours late? Dad sleeps nights in the raw!"

Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years.So she asked little Sammy what he meant by that, despite her mounting fears.

Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and Trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth.

"You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here lowdown coyote. The last Few nights HE done et six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. And last night, when Dad heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and said to Ma, 'That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!'"

"'Stay back, he yelled to all us kids, I wouldn't want ya hurt!' He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the henhouse he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then he stuck that double barrel through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog Zeke had done woke up and come a sneakin' up behind Dad. Then we all looked on plumb helpless as Dad was cold-nosed without warnin'."

"Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'!"
 

Q: How are tits like martinis?
A: One's not enough and three's too many.
 

A guest on Groucho Marx's "You Bet Your Life" television show was a woman who had given birth to twenty-two children. "I love my husband," the woman explained sheepishly.

"I love my cigar too," Groucho said, "but I take it out once in a while."
 

LOL

It looks like it's going to be a rough day. I got up this morning, getting dressed I put a shirt on and a button fell off. Having a cup of coffee and the damn handle broke off soaking me, after a quick change of pants I went to leave. picked up my briefcase, and It's handle came off.

I'm going to be spending the rest of the day being a bit afraid to use the bathroom.

Judi, the blonde, runs crying into the office.

"What's wrong?" gasps her best friend Carol.

    "It's my boyfriend." gushes Judi. "He was working on the engine under the hood of his car when the hood came down and cut off a finger!"

"My God!" shrieks Carol. "Did it amputate his WHOLE finger!?"

       "No thank goodness" sniffs Judi.  "But it was the one just next to it!"

Q.  What do blondes and cow pies have in common?

A. The older they are, the easier it is to pick them up.
 

This guy was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor
has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees an advertisement for
a guaranteed weight loss program. He calls them on the phone and
subscribes to the 3 day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there
stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in
nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck. She
introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Well, without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later,
huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
After they are through, he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to
himself, I like the way this company does business.

For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens
each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure enough, he's
lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his more slender physique, not to
mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back and subscribes
to their 5 day, 20 lb. weight loss program.

The next day there's a knock at his door, and there stands a 22 year old
knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging
around her neck, which reads, "If you catch me, you can have me."

He's out the door like a shot. It takes a while to catch her, but when he
does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She's the best he's ever
had. For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing
happens each time.

On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another
20 pounds. He decides to go for broke and subscribe to the
company's 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program.

"Are you sure, sir?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our
most rigorous program."

"Absolutely!", he says. "I love your program. I haven't felt this good
in years!"

The next day there comes a knock at this door and he enthusiastically
answers it. There stands Richard Simmons wearing nothing but pink racing
spikes and a sign around his neck that reads

"If I catch you, I can have you."

These names are completely genuine and have been corroborated in the catalogues of the British Library and in the American National Union Catalog, as well as other authoritative sources.  

Ole Bagger

Stanka Fuckar

Gottfried Egg

Dr F.P.H. Prick van Wily

Baron Filibarto Vagina d'Emarese

A. Schytte

Mme J.J. Fouqueau de Pussy

Simon Young-Suck Moon

Tit Wing Lo  
 

A substitute teacher walks into the classroom. On the blackboard she sees a message. The message reads, "Jimmy Poole, has got the biggest tool, in the whole damn school!"

She yells, "Who's Jimmy Poole?"

This kid in the back stands up and says, "I'm Jimmy Poole."

"Well, Jimmy, you're staying after school!"

The very next day when the substitute teacher walks in, she looks up at
the blackboard and, written on it are the words,

"IT PAYS to ADVERTISE."

A man went to a plastic surgeon to get work done on his organ.

The doctor, curious, asked what had happened to it.

"Well," the patient said, "I live in a trailer camp. A gorgeous buxom creature lives in the trailer next to mine.  I used to peek into her trailer and I saw she had a habit.  Each afternoon she would take a hot dog from her refrigerator and put it in a hole on her trailer floor.  Then she'd sit on it and have a ball. She nearly drove me crazy.

"So I got a bright idea. One day I got under her trailer and when she slid the hot dog in the hole, I slid it out and slipped my penis up through the hole. She sat down on it and everything was going just great until there was a knock at the door."

"And then?" said the doctor.

"Ah hell," the patient explained, "That's when she tried to kick it under the stove."

LMAO ouch!

Tyrone was visiting Leroy and discussing Leroy's problems with his wife when Leroy's doorbell rang. Leroy answered the door and was handed a paper which the deliverer said was a subpoena. Leroy showed it to Tyrone and asked him if he knew what it was.

Tyrone in his pompous lack of knowledge said, "Dis here is a subpeena."

"Wut is a sub-peena?" Leroy asked.

"Well," said Tyrone, "dat's law talk. Yo wife is suing you for deevorce. We know dat 'sub' means 'unda' and 'peena' is Latin for 'penis', so -- 'subpeena' means unda the penis which means she done got you by da balls."

  At my age, 'Getting Lucky' means finding Handicapped-Only
    Parking spots unoccupied by able bodied drivers at the mall..

OHH OSAMA BIN LADEN

YOU SON OF A BITCH

MAY YOUR BALLS DEVELOP

A 7 YEAR ITCH

MAY YOUR PECKER BE TWISTED
IN SUCH A MANNER

THAT YOUR ASSHOLE WHISTLES
THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER!

  A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his manhood into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic.

   Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did.

When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument off his tool.  He read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line. 

"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company.  It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry Sir ," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two quarts."

Researchers released a list of foods and activities to help combat osteoporosis, the dread disorder that leaches calcium from the bones as people age. A distinguished scientist was making the announcement and giving the highlights of the list at a conference that was covered by the local NBC TV news affiliate.  Broccoli and cauliflower were there on the list, and the researchers also encourage regular exercise, such as walking, running, cycling or swimming to prevent calcium loss from the bones.

       But, one woman reporter, reading ahead, stood up in the front row and asked, "You've got kissing on the list as a way to prevent osteoporosis! There isn't any calcium in a kiss!"

       The scientist replied calmly, "In a good kiss, there's enough calcium to make a bone about 6 inches long."

There was once a Irishman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Irishman owned a hen and each morning, he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Irishman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.

The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.  They argued for a while until finally the Irishman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg."

 The Englishman agreed to this and so the Irishman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes.

       Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Okay, now it's my turn to kick you."

The Irishman said, "Nah!  Keep the damn egg."

A blowjob is the only job in the world that cannot be
included in your resume despite years of experience
and a number of references.

Nancy: I can't believe how boring my life has become.

Corky: What do you mean?

Nancy: The only time I hear myself say, "I'm coming" is when I'm trying to tell my cat I'm getting his food ready!

Well I was thinking about re-entering the work force but gave that up after trying a new job yeterday.

Man, they were so strict at that job that I quit.

It was constantly: "No personal calls", "Don't surf the Web", "Put your pants back on."

I mean, who can work in an environment like that?

This guy goes to the doctor for a vasectomy. Unlike the usual patients, he shows up in a limo, and he's sitting in the doctor's office in a rented tuxedo with black tie.
       The doctor says "I've done a lot of these, but I've never seen a limo and tuxedo before. What's the story?"

To which the fellow responds, "If I'm gonna BE impo'tent, I'm gonna LOOK impo'tent!"

Q: What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
 

A: Doughnuts.

When the very curvaceous female midshipman at the Naval Academy noticed one of the men she was inspecting during formation had an erection, "And what do you call that trouser bulge, mister??"
 

The sailor looked her straight in the eye as he replied, "It's a one-gun salute, ma'am."

Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen
donuts.

Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!

Little Johnny asked his Mom, "What is the difference between a six day honeymoon and a seven day honeymoon?"

His mom answered, "I do not know, honey, what is the answer?"

       Little Johnny explained, "Don't you know, Mom, that seven days makes a hole weak!"

An unconscious 36-year-old male was brought to the ER with cocaine induced seizures. As a nurse pulled back his foreskin to insert a catheter a neatly folded twenty dollar bill fell out of the foreskin fold. When the man woke up and demanded to leave, the nurse gave him back his belongings and told him where she had found the money. His response: "It was a fifty!"

The most non-emergency ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m.
with a complaint of belly button lint.

Q:  If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?

A:  K9P

Q:  Why are dogs sniffing hydrants?

A:  Checking their PeeMail

Q:  What's Smoreplay?

A:  That's what Smurfs do before they Smuck

A guy goes over to his brother's house all bruised and his clothes torn.

His brother says, "Man, where have you been?"

"I just got back from burying my mother-in-law"

"How did you get all bruised and your clothes torn from burying your mother-in-law?"
 

"She wouldn't lie still!!"

When I consider how sweaters tend to make me sweat, I'm a lot less inclined to wear my windbreaker.

The increased use of Viagra by seniors created the demand for a sexual lubricant to address the special needs of that market.

The makers of K-Y were quick to develop one which they marketed as,

"OIL OF OLD LAY".  

This is where CactusChuckles got it's name.........PRICKly idea, don't you think?

A gal who lived near the San Diego shore

Who often allowed horny sailors to score,

Employed every possible means

Of constantly avoiding Marines.

She was rotten, they said, to the Corps.

Q: What's six inches long and two inches wide and drive women wild?

A: Money.

Did you ever wonder what happens to women when they drink too much water?
http://www.funnies.com/water2.htm

Here you go guys.....find the apricot...good luck

(GROWNUPS ONLY) Find the apricot!

http://www.superlaugh.net/1/thong.swf

Drag That Butt

  Sister Mary Catherine and Sister Mary Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs.

   Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them.

   Sister Mary Catherine casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!"

Mary Elizabeth turns and says, "Mine does..."

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick.

That's why Jill preferred the candlestick.

Don't you just hate when you want ONE cookie, but you have to buy whole bag to get one? Or maybe you want ONE doughnut, but you have to buy the whole box of a dozen! And the hotel charges for the whole night when you're going to use it for only a couple of hours!

A man comes home early one day, and as he is parking his car he saw a naked man in front of his house jogging.

"Heyy..!" he shouts to the man, "Why are you jogging NAKED?"

"How can I be dressed?" the man answers as he was running to the opposite side, "You came home early!"

Julius and Irving, two very religious Jewish men, visited Marcus Pinkus the tailor to have new black suits made. When they went to pick up the suits, Julius looked at his suit very carefully; held it up to the light, walked over to the window, examined it more carefully and then proclaimed,

"Marcus, this suit is navy blue. It's not black!"

"Trust me," said Marcus, "its black!"  

"Irving, what do you think? Blue, or black?" asked Julius.

"To tell you the truth," said Irving, "I can’t really tell from this light if it's blue or black."

They left wearing their new suits and while walking down the street kept examining each other's suit to see if they were blue or black. Then they spotted two nuns standing on the corner and decided to go stand next to them. They knew their habits would be black and this way they could be sure.  

Well, later that afternoon, the two nuns returned to the convent and visited with the mother superior to discuss their day in the city.

"A very strange thing occurred." reported one of the nuns. "Two Jewish men approached us on the street and they were speaking Latin!"  

"Latin?" exclaimed mother superior. "Jewish men don't speak Latin; they speak Hebrew!"

"No." said the other nun. "It was definitely Latin!"  

"Well, what did they say exactly?" asked the mother superior.  

"I'm not really sure," said one of the nuns. "They just kept repeating the same Latin phrase:

"Marcus Pinkus Fuctus!"

LMAO

Q: When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn't a Democrat?

A: When she didn't swallow everything he presented.

http://www.americangreetings.com/view.pd?i=362948430&m=2014&source=ag999

 

Until next time........enjoy!!!

Hugs...........
 

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