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Q:
What happens when a whorehouse catches fire?
A:
Some come out running and some run out coming!
An old sea captain, and a little
guy who played the fiddle, were
arguing about women.
The old sea captain tells the little
fiddle player that women can't be
trusted, and they will not be faithful
under any circumstances.
The little fiddle player said well he
bet his wife would not do anything
like that.
So, the old sea captain said he would
bet his ship and cargo against the
fiddler player's violin that she would
be unfaithful.
The fiddle player took the bet, and invited
the sea captain over to his house, and
sent the two of them into the bedroom
while he waited outside the door.
A half hour went by and he heard nothing
from his wife, so he started singing to the
tune of Auld Lang Sine:
Be true, my love, be true my love,
It's only for an hour.
Don't screw, my love, don't screw, my love,
And the ship and cargo's ours.
She sang back to him:
Too late, my love, too late, my love,
He's got me round the middle,
He's screwed me once, he'll do it twice,
And you've lost your damned old fiddle!!!
Flies spread disease - keep yours zipped.
~Author Unknown~
According to the latest issue of Nature
Biotechnology, scientists have implanted human DNA into
female goats.
Is that really new?
Lonely farmers have been doing that for years.
A guy was walking down the street, and sees a
beautiful chick with a very short skirt. The guy
approaches her and says to her,
"My god, you're so
hot!!! With this kind of look I've got to have you!
No matter what, I've got to have you!"
The chick is very shocked and she asks him, "What!? In
the middle of the street!?"
The guy answers, "I've got to do it! So I'll give you an
offer. I'll drop $500 on the ground and while you pick
it up, I'll be able to do everything I want. OK?"
The lady seems undecided. Then she decides to call
her friend. She told her friend the story, looking for
some advice. The friend says, "It's not a big problem -
as long as you pick up the $500, it would last a long
time until he gets his equipment out of his pants...
Just take the money & run!"
The next day the same friend sees the lady walking like
an old woman.
The friend asks her, "What happened to you!?"
The lady answered nervously, "That son-of-a-bitch
dropped $500 in Quarters..."
I'M STILL
HOT...
IT JUST COMES IN FLASHES.
~Shakespeare~
Little Johnny raised his hand and the teacher asked,
"What is it, Johnny?"
Johnny said "I've got to go shit teacher."
The teacher says "Johnny don't ever talk like that in
class again next time say number 2."
Johnny says, "OK teacher."
About an hour later Johnny raises his hand again and the
teacher says, "What is it now Johnny?"
Johnny says, "My brother has to go shit what's his
number?"
The first year student had just gotten a beat up old VW
beetle from his parents. He took it for a spin but
misjudged the curve and overturned the car directly
between the houses of Mr. and Mrs. Smith and Mr. and
Mrs. Balls.
Luckily, he was pulled out by the Smiths.
LOL
Little Johnny says "Mom, what kind of bird brings
white babies?"
His mom says, "Why, a stork, little Johnny."
Little Johnny says, "Mom, what kind of bird brings
black babies?"
His mom says, "A raven, dear."
Little Johnny then says,
"Then what kind of bird brings no babies at all?"
His mom says, "A swallow!"
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall
off.
~Author Unknown~
It's a good thing, yuk LOL
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector
from a pest-control company.
One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom
together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!"
and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a
search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the
exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of
moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said...
"Those little bastards"
Frank Nitti, the Henchman of Al Capone is sitting in a
bar with Capone on one side of him and a "gorgeous
blonde" on the other.
Being
the 'ladies man' he thought he was, he starts to let his
hands wander over the blonde's legs, while he continues
to drink and chat with Scarface.
The blonde is squirming but doesn't walk away, so Nitti
is encouraged.
He puts his hand under her dress, and she grabs a
napkin and hastily scribbles a note and passes it to
him.
The note read:
"When you get to my balls, act nonchalant"
Elliot Ness
Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices
something unusual.
He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?"
The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I
tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then
a red man came oozing out. He said that he was the Genie
and he can grant me a wish. And I said, 'C'mon, no
shit.'"
A swishy gay couple is driving along one afternoon, and
while stopped at a stop sign, they are rear ended by a
big semi.
Furiously, the guy in the passenger side throws his
purse on the seat, gets out of the car, goes back to the
truck and starts banging on the door.
The truck driver opens the door and the gay guy,
standing there with his hands on his hips, says,
"I'm gonna sue your ass, Buddy!"
The truck driver, laughs and says, "Eat me!"
The gay guy stands there for a second, then his eyes get
really big and his face lights up. He runs back to the
car, and says excitedly to his lover,
"You won't believe it, he wants to settle out of court!"
Q.
If having your appendix out is an appendectomy and
having your tonsils out is called a tonsillectomy..
What do you call a woman having a sex change?
A.
A Giveadictomy.
The Top 10 Signs You're Not the Sexual Marvel You
Once Were
copyright chris white topfive.com
10
These days, you get winded just turning down the
blanket.
9
"Five times in one night" now means that your overactive
bladder syndrome is acting up again.
8
Bob Dole sends you an FTD "Sorry You're Flaccid"
bouquet.
7
Then: "Where's Waldo?" played in bed with your pendulous
babe;
Now:
"Where's Waldo?" played in bathroom with your pendulous
stomach.
6
Your patented "Inverse Cowgirl" position now lands you
in traction for a week.
5
Then: She slipped gently into sleep after spending 30
minutes in a post-orgasmic stupor.
Now: She says you're blocking her view of the TV.
4
It takes six Viagras just to play hard to get.
3
Your
mother doesn't knock on the bathroom door and express
her concern nearly as often as she used to.
2
You can still make her eyes roll back in her head, but
now it's out of annoyance.
1
Your come-on line to a cute, 18-year-old high school
student with tight jeans and an exposed belly?
"GET OFF MY LAWN!"
I was scared at first. It was very wide, and very long,
and it angled straight up. I decided I had to try it
once. I slowly and carefully eased myself onto it. It
felt weird at first. Then I got used to it. I went up
and down, and up and down on it. I was really loving it.
*Now I ride on escalators all the time.
HOW TO BRAINWASH A MAN
A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th
anniversary. That night the wife approached her husband
wearing the exact same sexy negligee she had worn on
their wedding night. She looked at her husband and said,
"Honey, do you remember this?"
He looked up at her and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore
that same negligee the night we were married."
She said, "That's right. Do you remember what you said
to me that night?"
He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."
"Well, what was it?" she asked.
He responded, "As I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm
going to suck the life out of those big boobs and screw
your brains out."
She giggled and said, "Yes honey, that's exactly what
you said. So, now it's 50 years later, and I'm in the
same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say
tonight?"
Again he looked up at her, and he replied, "Mission
accomplished."
MADISON, Wis. - This is one passenger no one wants in
their car. A man was in for a surprise on Sunday when a
slithery ball python popped its head out from between
his legs while he was driving. "He was completely in
shock," said Officer
Laura Walker, who responded to the
scene.
"I mean he said he was lucky he didn't
crash the car."
Animal control officer Tim Frank was
able to remove the black and gold snake that was coiled
around the seat's base and took it to the Dane County
Humane Society.
The man had rented the car the night
before and had driven it to Milwaukee and back and
around Madison Sunday.
Sgt. John Radovan said the driver had
no clue how or when the snake slithered into the
vehicle.
"Before he left he told the officer
that he was going to expect a free car rental," Radovan
said.
The cowboy from the Village People,
Randy Jones, married a man named Will Grega.
You know, I had no idea the cowboy from the Village
People was gay! The construction worker I kind of
suspected -- but the cowboy?
If you'd like to get him a gift, I believe he's
registered at Bed Bath and Bend Over.
I hope you have enjoyed this issue of Cactus Chuckles
Tribe. See you next issue.
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