Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher.  

She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class, remember it has an "r" after the first letter."  

The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy."  

The next day the regular teacher is still sick. When Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks him what her name is.  

Johnny thinks hard, and the says to the teacher, "I remember it has an "r" after the first letter."  

"That's right," she coaxed.  

Then, after a few seconds Johnny eyes light up and he says, "Is it Mrs. Crunt?"

Cannibals get more head.

You've heard that men are smarter than women and that women talk more than men, right?

Well the University of Arkansas spent a good bit of money and brains to determine if there was any basis for this statement. They were astonished to learn that there is, in fact, a biological explanation for this belief.

Men simply have two heads and women have four lips.
 

Sex is like snow ... you never know how many inches
you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
 

A father was concerned that his daughter hadn’t revealed her heart condition to his future son-in-law.

The first chance he had for a private chat, he asked his son-in-law to be, "Michael, are you aware of my daughter’s acute angina?"

"Sure," Mike responded, "and her tits ain’t bad either."

What do menstrual periods and spaghetti sauce have in common?

~ If you miss your Ragu, you could be Prego.
 

TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOUR CHILD IS TOO OLD FOR BREASTFEEDING  

10. He can open your blouse by himself, with one hand.

9.  While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.

8.  He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.

7.  He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.

6.  He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.

5.  Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.

4.  After each feeding, he has a smoke.

3.  He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.

2.  You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to "Dueling Banjos."

And the number one sign your child is too old to breastfeed:

1.  Beard abrasions on areola.  
 

Hello Southeast Treatment Plant, this is Dave.

Is this the water department?

Yes Ma'am, for most of this area.

       Good. I have some very technical questions to ask you about the water.

I'll try and help.

Why are my nipples getting so hard?

You're not really serious?

       I AM SO!!  My nipples... they're hard and they have this white coating on them!

Uhhhh, huh... hard, uhhh, nipples with white, uhh... stuff...

Not only that, they're getting warped!

I see

They used to be soft, pink and round!

I'm sure they were.

Now they really look disgusting!

I'm sure they do.

So I want to know what you're going to do about this!

I don't think I can help you. Have you discussed this with your personal physician?

Yes I have! He said I should call you because he thought it was from the water!

I see... uhhhh, just why and how does he think the water is causing this?

       He said cleaning them in boiling water sometimes does that.

Sounds painful... can't you just sponge them off?

       Painful?!  THE BABY BOTTLE NIPPLES ARE THE ONES I'M TALKING ABOUT!

Now I understand.

Are you going to buy me new ones?

Why would we do that?

Because your water ruined these. My baby won't suck them anymore. He's been sick and I think it's from the white stuff. He used to really suck. He's six, going on seven

Six, and he refuses the bottle?  Maybe he's getting a little old for the bottle.

DON'T TELL ME HOW TO RAISE MY CHILD!

I wasn't.  How long have you been using these nipples?

Since he was born

Hmmmmm. My guess is the white film is from the calcium carbonate in the water. Kind of like bathtub ring of the nipple and they are hard and warped because of being boiled and bitten for six years.

So! You are refusing to pay!

Well, that's not for me to decide. I was only trying to suggest they might just be plain worn out.

THEY WOULDN'T BE WORN OUT IF YOUR WATER WAS ANY GOOD!

There is really nothing more I can do for you.

JUST HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY MONEY?

Why don't you just run down to our main office. There you can file an insurance claim.

What good would that do? Will they give me the money?

They will investigate and make a judgment whether to settle or not.

Well, you sure haven't been any help! How do I get them to pay more attention than you have?

Just show them your nipples!
 

What do you call a prostitute with her hand in her panties?

Self employed.

Some people say making love and wearing a condom is like taking a shower and wearing a raincoat.
 

But these days, making love and *not* wearing a raincoat is like taking a shower and wearing a toaster.
 

My Brother and his wife were in a heated argument that lasted over two hours, neither of them willing to give in.

Finally, his wife looked at him and said:

"I only have one thing left to say, Loraina Bobbett only got six months!"

He stared at her, thinking for a few seconds, then replied:

"Yeah? Well O.J. got off scott free!"
 

Ole and Sven are the best of friends, and they have these two girls on the string - Lena and Olga - who live together in an apartment.
  
One evening Ole and Sven are sitting in the bar getting drunk.  Ole turns to Sven and asks,

"Ven do you suppose dose girls are gonna make out vit us?"

Sven says, "Donno, but I'm drunk enuf.  Let's go ask em!"
  
So off they go to the apartment where Ole knocks on the door.  Lena answers and says,

"Vell, Ole and Sven, come on in!"

Ole no more than gets in the door when he says,

"Ve yust come to find out ven you girls are gonna make out vit us."

  Lena is really upset by this and throws them both out, slamming the door on them.  Ole is persistent and knocks on the door again.  Lena isn't stupid.  She knows it's Ole and says,

"Ole if you are gonna be so forward, you'll have to talk through the keyhole."

So Ole bends to the keyhole and asks, "Ven you girls gonna make out vit us?"

Lena is really upset now.  She drops her pants, backs up to the keyhole, and breaks wind. 

As Ole is backing up and shaking his head. Sven asks,

"Vell Ole, vat did she say?"

Ole says, "Vell, I tink she said TOOSDAY ... but her breath is so bad, I'm not askin' again."
 

An art teacher for an elementary school, in Jacksonville, Florida, had as one of her recent assignments for the children, to enter a contest that their national football team, the Jacksonville Jaguars, was promoting. The winning artwork gets placed on the back of the season tickets.

She encouraged the children to come up with a good logo as well as a colorful creation.

One innocent little girl was so enthused about her masterpiece she turned in to the teacher. It had a picture of a mean looking jaguar and an inscription that read.

"You're messin' with the wrong pussy."

Life is all about ass; you're either covering it, laughing it off,
kicking it, kissing it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it,
or behaving like one.

When Bubba was just a youngster, he went to the drug store and asked the pharmacist,

"Sir, can you tell me where the ribbed condoms are?"

The pharmacist replied, "Son, do you know what condoms are used for?"

"Sure do. They keep you from getting venereal diseases."

The pharmacist was impressed.

"That's right, son. Do you know what the ribs are for?"

Bubba  paused and then answered,

"Well, not really, but they sure do make the hair on my goat's back stand up!"
 

Hold you shift key down and you can x out of the site after you visit.

http://www.funnygreetings.com/funpages/view.cfm/4734

http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/818.html

http://www.funshack.com/funshackhisnhers.html

( His and hers remote)
http://www.rockisallyouneed.com

http://www.funstun.com/funpages/view.cfm/4620

Just for *you*

want2admit.co.uk - admit it! - love, secrets, sins, confessions, stories 

http://www.kingkongsong.com/index2.html

http://www.richstevens.com/NAKED.swf

(Naked celebrities...lol )
playboy.com / world of playboy / imagemakers

http://www.americangreetings.com/view.pd?i=364587626&m=2014&rr=y&source=ag999
 

A guy calls his buddy, a horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks "How will I recognize him?"

"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

"A female horth".

So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin' horth............can I thee her eyeth"?

So the guy picks up the midget and gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth...........can I thee her earzth"?

So he picks the little fella up again and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth.........can I thee her mouf"?

The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nith mouf..........can I thee her twat"?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's vagina, pulls him out and slams him on the ground The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

"Perhapth I should rephrathe that: Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

A stately-looking matron was walking through the Bronx Zoo, studying the animals. When she passed the porcupine enclosure she beckoned to a nearby attendant.

"Young man," she began, "do the North American porcupines have sharper pricks than those from Africa?"  

The attendant thought a moment.

"Well, ma'am," he answered, "the African porcupine's quills are sharper... but I think their pricks are about the same."  
 

Did you hear about the prostitute who was into bondage?

She was strapped for cash.
 

During a long rain delay, the baseball announcer filled in some time by sharing some baseball trivia with his color man.

"Know who hit the most home runs between 1955 and 1975?

I'll tell you Hank Aaron.

Know who hit the most RBIs between 1955 and 1975?

Hank Aaron.

And who got hit on the chin with the most balls between 1955 and 1975?"

"Hank Aaron?" ventured the color commentator.

"Nope," said the announcer.

"Liberace."
 

Being older with grown children, I often tell younger parents to enjoy them now. It's a short time between shitty diapers to a shitty attitude.

Lloyd  
 

Maureen was feeling a bit ill, and not recovering from a night out anywhere near as fast as Paddy.  So he sent her off to the doctor.
She came back shortly with a puzzled frown and said:

"Oh, Paddy, he wants a "Specimen", but fo the life o me I don't know if we have one or if we can affod t'buy one!

"Paddy hemmed and hawed for a while, but couldn't figure it out either. So he finally suggested:

"Me lass, why don't you go upstairs and ask Maud O'Reilly, she used to work the streets in town and she'll know.

"So Maureen climbed up the stairs and knocked. Not a minute later, screaming and cussing and the noise of a ferocious fight echoed down the stairwell, soon followed by much banging and clatter as poor
Maureen came tumbling down the stairs.

As Paddy helped her up he asked her what happend.

"Oh Paddy, she's so mean! All I did was ask her what a'specimen' was, and she told me to 'piss in abottle'! So of course I told her to shit in a hat,and the fight was on."

Did you hear about the masochistic homosexual?

He was sucker for punishment.
 

A young woman and young man were at he beach one beautiful moonlit night. They were looking at the night sky while lying in each other's arms.

The young man looked over and asked the young lady,

"If you could be on any planet up there, just you and I, which one would you want to be on?"

The young woman lies there for a minute staring up and thinks, then replies,

"I think it would be Venus; it sounds like a place of romance."

She then turns to him and asks him the same question.

He says with a sly grin, "Uranus."
 

Big Margaret decided she wanted to become a nurse. Her first day at the hospital she was giving several patients baths and changing their linens.

 Her instructor arrived in the room just in time to hear the male patient give a howl of pain.

The teacher took Margaret to one side and said,

"When we make the beds, we gently turn the patient to one side and push the sheets up against his back. We then roll him over on the other side and pull the sheets firm.

We do NOT pick him up by his penis and shove the sheets under him."  
 

Condoms should come with a warning label:

"May contain nut products."

Sandy (a blonde) began a job as an elementary school counselor and was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.  

The girl said she was.  

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.  

Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"  

The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.  

Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone, little girl?"  

"Because," said the child with great exasperation,

"I'm the fucking goalie."  
 

A blonde's boyfriend was going to teach her to play golf and figured that the best place to start was the driving range.

Upon arrival the blonde sees a sign that says the golf balls rent by the bucket large $4.50, medium $3.00 and small $1.50.

She turned to her boyfriend and said

"How can you tell the large balls from the small balls, they all look the same size to me?"
 

Why do men swim faster than women?

They have a built in rudder.

Have you heard of the new line of Tampax with bells and tinsel?

It's for the Christmas period.
 

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a prostitute?

A two-ton pickup.
 

Did ya hear about the new tennis shoe for lesbians?

They're called Dykeies.

A week later they had to be recalled because the tongues were too short.
 

A farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it.

So, he buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Kenny seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Kenny takes off like a shot.

WHAM!

Kenny nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese down by the lake.

Once again - WHAM!

Kenny gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Kenny on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling over head.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says,

"Shhhh .. them suckers are getting closer."

LOL

This is an actual collection from medical interview records written by various paramedics, emergency room receptionists, and a doctor or two at major hospitals.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
 

A pregnant woman went to the gynecologist, and when asked what was the problem, she responded,

"Well, whenever I take off my clothes, my nipples get hard."

   Shocked, the doctor took a deep breath, then asked,

"Your nipples get hard?"

   "Yes," quite innocently came her reply.

   "Undress so I can check," replied the still amazed doc.

   So, she undressed, and he got down to the feeling and massaging, trying to reach an answer.  After some considerable time, the doctor, still looking puzzled, said,

"Well, Madame, I don't know what you have, but it's sure as hell contagious!"
 

I was having a drink at the local club the other night and a man approached me and asked if I wanted to have oral sex.

I said "sure go home and phone me".

Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'll be playing in my room for the next two hours.  I sure would like a piece of cake when you're finished."

   Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake,
Little Johnny exclaimed, "Golly, it worked!"  
  
Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"  
   Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing first!"
 

Two guys in a bar are talking about their wives.

"My wife is mad at me again," says one.

"Why?"

"I was bombed at the bar across the street last night, and she came looking for me."

"What'd you do?"

"I asked her for her phone number."
 

A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse arrives to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I wouldn't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, please, are my testicles black?"

Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand, takes a close look, and says,

 "There's nothing wrong with them, and they're not black."

With an effort, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and says,

"That was very nice but...are ... my ... test...results ... back?"

What did the homo say to the census taker?

"Well, I was born in Chicago but reared in San Francisco." 

From four years ago:

The two major party presidential candidates today agreed that Americans are seeing too much inappropriate material in popular entertainment. However, they disagreed on the details.

The Republican candidate, George W. Bush, stated that there is too much bloody violence in the movies and on television.

Vice President Al Gore, his Democratic opponent, stated meanwhile that the media present Americans with too much sex and frontal nudity.

In other words, Bush says there is too much gore and Gore says there is too much bush.

"I'll tell you," one old gent announced to the bunch sitting around the bar at Elks Club, "I've learned that arthritis is the cruelest disease."

"Crueler than cancer?" his friend asked.

"You bet," the first good ol boy replied.

"It makes every single one of your joints stiff, except the right one."

A couple has a dog that snores.  Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.

The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

"Yeah, right," she says.

  A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual.  The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles.  Sure enough, the dog stops snoring.  The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies.  He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly.

 The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him.  So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and carefully ties it around her husband's testicles.  Amazingly, it also works on him!  The woman sleeps soundly.
 
The next morning, the husband wakes up hung over.  He stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.  He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.  He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says,

"Boy, I don't remember where we were or what we did, but by God we got first and second place."

Q.  What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A.  Spitting, swallowing and gargling
 

Q.  When is a pixie not a pixie?
A.  When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.'
 

Q.  What's the definition of a Yankee?
A.  Same thing as a "quickie," only you do it yourself.
 

Q.  What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

A.  The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving
 

Q. What do you call a smart blonde?

A. A golden retriever.
 

Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.  Who has the biggest tits?

A. The blonde, because she's 18.

A woman who plays cards one night a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke up her husband when she came home around 11:30.

One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.

"Dammit woman!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?"

A blonde, redhead, and brunette were looking at a dictionary for the hardest words they knew.

The brunette's word was quizzical.

The redhead's word was photosynthesis.

The blonde's word was dick.

"Two Drunks in a bar"

The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got an erection I
couldn't bend it even using both hands.

By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really
hard.

By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem.

I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand"

"So", says the second drunk, "what's your point?" "Well, "says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

Errrrrrrrrrr, yeah!

What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?  

Two Mennonites.  
Gary Hallock  

Every once in a while  along comes a sentence that just sums everything up into one neat, tidy package

"Life is  all about ass ...... either you are covering it, kicking it, kissing it, or  trying to get it."

Growing up, my mom used to yell at me'; she said to me, "You keep wearing those boxer shorts, your thing's gonna hang down to your knees. 
"so what's the downside to our argument here?"
 

What a liar Mom turned out to be, too.
(Jeff Foxworthy)

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