"Life is all about ass...either you are covering it,
kicking it, kissing it, or trying to get some of it."
What's the difference between an old cat and a baby
kitten?
An old cat scratches and bites but a little pussy never
hurt anybody!
Have you ever smelled moth balls ?
If so,
how did you get their little legs apart?
What does a prostitute have at the end of her shift?
A box of Assorted Creams!
ewwwwwwwww
A young woman who works at the local Convenience Store
answered the telephone at work yesterday. There was a
man on the other end of the line. "Do you have any
Tingly Rubbers down there?"
She was taken aback a bit, but answered him to the best
of her abilities.
"No, I'm sorry but we don't. We do
have others, though."
He said, "I know you have them. I get them there all
the time."
She said, "Let me look again.
The men in the store had no idea what the conversation
was about at this time, because they were only privy to
her end of the matter. She came back to the phone and
confidently stated,
"Sir, I'm sorry.
We don't have any Tingly Rubbers, only Trojan."
This is when the snorting and coughing began. The
gentleman on the phone said,
"What? Trojan?? No, I
want Tingly's, size large."
Believe it or not, looking to help the gentleman, she
said,
"Well, we only have Trojan and I think they're one
size fits all. You can get them lots of ways, though.
Ribbed, lubricated...I don't know if they'll give you
tingles, though."
The men in the store are just ROLLING about now. The
man on the phone states in a rather chilly tone, "I do
not believe you and I are discussing the same type of
rubbers!" He hung up on her at that point.
Mom found out about it, casually went to the shelf and
reached up. She grabbed a box of Large Tingly Rubbers.
The poor gal saw the picture of the rubber on the front
of the box and turned 10 shades of red. Guess some
people call those galoshes, or some such. Anyhow, phone
at the convenience store has been ringing off the
hook with people checking stock on the Tingly Rubbers.
What's the definition of bravery?
A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!
Did you hear about the sex-mad woman Sunday school
teacher who chased a burglar all over the church?
She
finally caught him by the organ.
There once was a Man named McSweeny
Who spilled some Gin on his weenie
Just to be Couth
He added Vermouth
And slipped his chick a Martini!
How are new girl friends like a fresh roll of toilet
paper?
Sometimes it's kind of hard to get the first piece,
but after that you can rip one off anytime.
The tavern braggart was once again relating his sexual
exploits.
"You know," he droned on, "I once had sex with
the cutest lil' Oriental stewardess right on the plane
during an over-night flight. Hey, I really put on a
sustained performance that time. In
fact, I was so damn good, they oughta make a movie about
it."
A friend replied, "I think they already did and it was
called
"Thirty Seconds over Tokyo."
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the
bar which reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks
up to the bar and
beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive
blondes serving drinks
to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help
you?"
"I was wondering," whispers the man, "Are you the one
who gives the
hand-jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs, "Indeed I am."
The man replies, "Well wash your damn hands, I want a
cheese sandwich!"
A man and a woman decided to abstain from sex before
marriage. After making love on their wedding night, the
man looked over at his bride and noticed that she
appeared quite annoyed.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
"Well," she said, "when I agreed to marry you, I didn't
realize that you had such a small organ."
To which the man replied, "Well, when I agreed to marry
YOU, I didn't realize that my organ would be playing in
a cathedral!"
Here's a tip: When hiring a hooker, hire the tallest one available and pay her in venison.
That way you get the most bang for your buck.
Kim Moser
If a male mountain goat is called a ram,
and a donkey is called an Ass,
then WHY is a ram in the ass
called a goose?????"
Camouflage condoms:
So they won't see you coming.
Streetwalkers slogan:
It's a business to do pleasure with you.
A gnome is riding a bus when a tall brunette in a super
mini-skirt steps on him. The first time this
happens, he decides not to say a word, because it's been
a good day for him.
However, once again the brunette steps on him, so
he turns to her and says, "Hey you Brunette, watch where
you're going."
The brunette looks down and says, "I am not a
brunette, I'm a blonde!"
To which the gnome replies,
"Not from where I'm
standing, you're not! You're a BRUNETTE!"
Why do so many men use Dial soap ?
Because dial, spelled backwards is extreme
happiness.
A man from Bangladesh named Abdul was bragging that in
his
country there are 79 different ways to make mad
passionate
love.
A gent from Florida listened incredulously.
"Why that's
amazing. Where I come from there's only one way."
"Just one?" Abdul asked. "And which way is that?"
"Well," the Florida gent began, "there's a man and
there's a
woman."
"Thank Goodness" exclaims Abdul, "Number 80!"
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him
that she needs to
file her taxes.
The accountant says,
"Before we begin, I'll need to ask
a few questions."
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc.
and then asks,
"What is your occupation?"
The woman replies, "I'm a whore."
The accountant balks and says,
"No, no, no. That will
never work. That is
much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that"
The woman says, "OK, I'm a prostitute."
"No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman says, "I'm
a chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to
do with being a
whore or a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised over 2,000 cocks last year!"
A guy went to the dentist to get a tooth pulled. First
off, the dentist said he would give the guy a shot to
numb the jaw. But the guy said he was afraid of needles.
The dentist said,
"Okay, I'll get out the gas to put
you to sleep."
But the patient said he was allergic to gas.
So, the dentist said he'd look for something else.
After a while, he came back with a couple of pills.
The guy asked what they were.
The dentist said, "Viagra."
The patient said, "What?" "Why these?"
The dentist said, "They won't put you to sleep, but
they'll give you something to hang onto while I pull
your tooth."
Being older with grown children, I often tell younger
parents
to enjoy them now.
It's a short time between shitty
diapers to a
shitty attitude.
Always get instructions if you're new at doing
something.
I tried to snort coke once, but I got an ice cube stuck
up my nose!
"I've got this thing for tall, lean men," said the new
coder at the software company.
"That Mike in sales is
certainly a long tall drink of water."
"I hate to bust your bubble honey," replied the office
veteran,
"but for a long tall drink of water, he's got
an awful short straw."
Little Johnny was in his math class one day when the
teacher singled him out.
"If I gave you $200," the
teacher began, "and you gave $50 to Mary, $50 to Sally
and $50 to Susan, what would you have?"
"An orgy,"
Johnny answered.
Did you hear about the new device that makes your car
run 95 percent quieter?
Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
Nancy and Corky meet for lunch and Nancy seems a little
depressed.
"What's wrong Nancy? " asks Corky.
Nancy replies,
"Well, a friend of mine set me up on a
blind date and I told her the criteria I was looking for
in a man. "
"Yeah, so, whats the problem?" asks Corky.
"Well, " Nancy said,
"My friend must have misunderstood
me, cause the guy that showed up was as smart as a horse
and hung like Einstein!"
What matters is not the length of the wand,
but the magic in the stick.
A Polish girl went to the gynecologist. She disrobed and
got up into the stirrups. The doctor was so shocked at
the neglectful state of her vagina he asked,
"When was the last time you had a check-up?"
"Well, to be honest with you," she blushed,
"I've never had a Czech up there, but I have had several
Hungarians."
A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she
was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal
Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her,
"Did you know that humans are the only species in which
the female achieves orgasm?"
She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies,
"Oh
yeah? Why don't you prove it."
He frowns for a moment, then he gets up and walks out,
leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.
About a half an hour later, he returns all tired and
sweaty and proclaims,
"Well I'm pretty sure the cow and
sheep didn't, but the way that pig's always squealing,
how can you tell?"
What do you call a nude blonde standing on her head?
A brunette with bad breath.
There once was a girl named McGill,
Who used dynamite sticks for a thrill.
They found her vagina
In South Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil.
Two drunks in a bar: One says,
"I had a weird dream last
night. I dreamt I had the worlds largest margarita, I
woke this morning to find the toilet seat
covered with margarita salt, then I thought to myself,
"Whewwwwwwwww I'm sure glad I didn't eat that
dang worm at the bottom."
Why do bald men cut holes in their pockets?
So they can run their fingers through their hair..
Did you hear about the guy who sprained his foot playing
golf?
He fell off the ball washer !!
A woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat for their
25th
anniversary.
"HA!" he snorted. "The day I buy you a fur coat will be
the day you can
grow hair on your chest!"
On that she hikes up her skirt, drops her panties, and
thrust her pubic area forward.
"There! I have hair on my chest, now buy me the damn
coat!"
"That's not your chest!" he roars back.
"Damn right it's my chest!" she argued. "Before we got
married, this was
your hope chest. On our honeymoon it was your treasure
chest.
Afterwards it became our family chest....AND IF YOU
DON'T BUY ME A FUR COAT....IT WILL SOON BECOME THE COMMUNITY CHEST!"
Two women were standing in a Victoria Secrets store when
the sales woman noticed that the one woman's breast were
uneven.
Puzzled by this, she asked her why.
The
one lady says that her husband can't go to sleep with
out her one breast in her mouth.
The sales woman said, "well neither can mine and my
breast are both the same size."
