|
Brought to you by Trish and
Bill
 |
Darkness Falls Across The Land
The Midnight Hour Is Close At Hand
Creatures Crawl In Search Of Blood
To Terrorize Your Neighborhood
And Whosoever Shall Be Found
Without The Soul For Getting Down
Must Stand And Face The Hounds Of Hell
And Rot Inside A Corpses Shell
The Foulest Stench Is In The Air
The Funk Of Forty Thousand Years
And Grizzly Ghouls From Every Tomb
Are Closing In To Seal Your Doom
And Though You Fight To Stay Alive
Your Body Starts To Shiver
For No Mere Mortal Can Resist
The Evil Of The Thriller |
|
|
|
|
A man was walking home alone
one night when he heard a BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... behind
him. Walking faster, he looked back, making out an image
of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of
the street towards him...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...
The man began to run towards his home, and the coffin
bounced quickly after him, faster...faster...BUMP
...BUMP ...BUMP. He ran up to his door, fumbled with his
keys, opened the door, rushed in, and locked the door
behind him. However, the coffin crashed through his
door, with the lid of the coffin flapping... BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... on the heels of the
terrified man.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locked himself
inside. His heart was pounding. With a CRASH, the coffin
broke down the door and came slowly towards him. The man
screamed and reached for something, anything...All he
could find was a box of cough drops!
Desperate, he threw the cough drops at the coffin
......and...of...course,
the coffin stopped!
Geeez you can't even get
away from this crap on Halloween either LOL.
John bought some new jockey underwear at a department
store. When he put one on, he discovered that they
didn't fit properly, so he went back to the store.
When John approached the return desk, he was embarrassed
to tell the women manning the customer service desk why
he was returning the underwear.
So when she inquired,"Why are you returning these
items?" Thinking quickly he found an answer to his
dilemma by mumbling, "Have you ever heard of the
ballroom in the Washington Monument?"
The puzzled woman scratched her head and said, "What
ballroom?"
And John said, "Exactly!"
My
heart goes out to to him!!!!
There was a seminar on "Psychic Phenomena" going on,
when the speaker decided to involve the audience. He
first asked, "Everyone who has ever seen a ghost, please
stand up." Well, nearly the entire audience stood up. He
then asked, "Everyone who has ever had a close encounter
with a ghost, please remain standing." About 2 dozen
people were still standing. He then asked how many
people had been in the same room as a ghost and 6 people
stood up. Finally he asked, "Anyone who has ever had SEX
with a ghost, please remain standing." Everyone sat down
except this one man. When the speaker demanded if he had
REALLY had sex with a ghost, the guy replied,
"Oh, I am
very sorry, I thought you said GOAT."
Everyone at the company where I work dressed up for
Halloween. One fellow's costume stumped us. He simply
wore slacks and a white T-shirt with a large 98.6 across
the front in glitter. When someone finally asked him
what he was supposed to be, he replied,
"I'm a Temp."
Things that sound dirty on Halloween but aren't.
10.
She's a goblin!
9.
I'd like to get a little something in the sack
tonight.
8.
Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
7.
She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch.
6.
If you just lick it, it will last longer.
5.
Let me see your big sack.
4.
Can I eat your Zagnuts?
3.
Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth.
2.
You scared me stiff!
And the dirtiest sounding but
not-dirty Halloween saying is...
He's got candy spread out on the living room floor!
A photo-journalist was told that a house was haunted, so
he took his camera and spent the night there. About 3
a.m. the ghost walked into his room, moaning and
clanking his chains. The man grabbed his camera and
asked the ghost if it would pose for him and it agreed.
After he developed the film he found that it was
underexposed and nothing could be seen. He went to a
bar to drown his sorrows about not getting the best
picture of his life.
The bartender asked him why he was so dejected.
He replied:"
The spirit was willing, but the flash was
weak."
A little boy and girl go trick or treating. They knock
on the door of this house and the man who answers it
says, "Well, you two are awful cute Who are you supposed
to be?"
"We're Jack and Jill" the girl replied.
The man says, "You can't be Jack and Jill, you're
black!"
They go off and a while later they come back dressed
differently. They ring the door bell and once again and
the man opens the door.
"Well, now, that is just darn cute. Who are you this
time?"
"We're Hansel and Gretel" says the little boy.
"Well, I hate to disappoint you son, but you can't be
Hansel and Gretel because you're black!" says the man.
Heads hung low, the kids leave.
Not too much later the man hears the bell ring again.
This time when he opens the door there stand the two
children but this time they are BUCK
NAKED.
"Oh my! And just who are you supposed to be now?" he
asks.
"Chocolate M &M's," said the little girl. "I'm plain.
He's got nuts."
A guy walks into a clinic to have his blood type taken.
The nurse goes about taking the blood sample from his
finger after finishing she looks around for a piece of
cotton to wipe away the excess blood.
She can't find it so she looks innocently at the guy and
takes his finger and sucks it.
The guy is so pleased he asks,
"Do you think I could have a urine test done?
At the mahjongg game, a matron was bragging to her club
members. "That old goat of a husband of mine can't
spend a dime without my consent. My lawyer drew up an
agreement that will hold up 100% in any court. When he
dies, I get every cent under his last will and
testicles."
"You must mean testament," said one of the ladies.
"When I say testicles, I mean testicles," laughed the
woman.
"Even after he's buried,
I'll still have him by the balls!"
This man comes out of a condo after a Halloween party
and drinking at a friend's apartment. The rain is
pouring down from the sky and he is getting soaked, with
his hat drooping down from his head.
A taxi driver sees the man and stops.
"Hey, do you need a lift?" asks the cabby.
The drunken man weaves over to the passenger
window and says in a slurred voice, "Yeah, but will you
have enough room for three six packs of beer and three
large pepperoni pizzas?"
The driver answers,
"Yeah, bring it on in!"
The drunken man barfs all over the passenger seat.
What's with all this sick
crap LOL
A
blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange
noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to
find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says.
"I'm
having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He
rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's
dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says
"Daddy!
Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no
clothes on!"
The
guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the
bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the
wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother,
totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
"You
rotten SOB ," says the husband, "My wife's having a
heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the
kids
All eyes
turned to stare as a gorgeous blonde walked into the
costume party stark naked. The alarmed host rushed to
intercept her.
"Where's
your costume?" he hissed through clenched teeth.
"This is
it," she calmly explained. "I came as Adam."
"Adam?" her
host exploded. "You don't even have a dick!"
"I just got
here, Jeremy," she replied. "Give me a few minutes."
Duh, like hang in
there....
There
were two guys who decided to spend their evening at the
bar rating women. When the first gal walked in they both
agreed that she was sorta plain,
a 6 at the most.
An old
drunk at the end of the bar overheard them and said, "Thassa
1/2."
They
ignored him and went on with their play. The next gal in
was pretty cute so they rated her an 8.
The old
drunk looked around and said, "Thassa 1."
The two
instigators ignored him again and the game went on. Then
it happened that a real fox walked into the bar. That's
a 10 goin' on 15 they both agreed.
The old
drunk shot her a glance and said, "Thassa 3!"
The
beautiful young thing overheard him and felt rather
insulted, so she decided to ask him what the hell kind
of rating system he was using anyway. "I know I'm better
than a 3!" she protested.
He
said, "Lady, I use the Budweiser rating system."
"What's
that?" she asked.
"That's
how many Clydesdales it'd take to pull you offa my
face!"
Q
How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A
Give him an used tampon and ask him which period it came
from
Two
guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped
in the car and started it up.
After a
couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger
window and tapped lightly.
The
passenger screamed,
"Look
at he window. There's an old ghost's face there!"
The
driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the
window.
The
passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared
out of his wits, said,
"What
do you want?"
The old
man softly replied,
"You
got any tobacco?"
The
passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled,
"Step on it," to the driver, rolling up the window in
terror.
A few
minutes later they calmed down and started laughing
again.
The
driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't
worry; the speedometer says we're doing 80 now."
All of
a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the
old man reappeared.
"There
he is again," the passenger yelled.
He
rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?"
"Do you
have a light?" the old man quietly asked.
The
passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step
on it!"
They
were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget
what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden
there came some more tapping.
"Oh my
God! He's back!" The passenger rolled down the window
and screamed in stark terror,
"WHAT
NOW?"
The
old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out
of the mud?"
Two men
were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to
take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.
Right
in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a
tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer
and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy
cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his
breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you
were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at
night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my
name!"
Poor
Jack was consumed with great dread
To
realize he’d misplaced his head ...
’Twas
knifed and then gutted;
On a
stick it was strutted.
Now
Jack is a scarecrow instead.
A man
is driving home late one night and is feeling very
horny. As he is passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts
to wander. He thinks to himself, you know a pumpkin is
soft and squishy inside, and there is no one around here
for miles.
He
pulls over to the side of the road, picks out a nice
juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in
it, and begins to screw the pumpkin.
After a
while he is really into it, and doesn't notice the
police car pulling up. The cop walks over and says,
"Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing
a pumpkin?"
The man
looks at the cop in complete horror, thinks fast and
says,
"A
pumpkin? Is it midnight already?"
Hold
down your shift key then x out of the visited site to
return here.
http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.asp?code=SE10527805
http://www.funshack.com/hallomoon.html
http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.asp?code=FF10528424
http://www.funforwards.com/funpages/view.cfm/5756
eCards - No Candy This Time ECard
Fun Skeleton Puppet
Don't trust anyone on Halloween LOL
Well
Tribe we hope you had a good time. Until next issues
Trish and I want to wish you a fun and safe Haunted
Halloween from:
PLEASE SUPPORT THE CAMPFIRE BY VISITING THESE GREAT
COMEDY LINKS OFTEN.
Cactus Chuckles is a Campfire
Production. All Rights Reserved. |
