Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that's where shitty ideas come from.

I took a drive to Walmart the other night to pick up some stuff for our trip this weekend.  Since I was already going, my sister asked if I could pick up a bottle of bug spray for her while I was there.

After going through and getting everything I needed, I was walking around looking for the bug spray.

When an employee saw me wandering around aimlessly. He came up to me and asked if I needed any help.

I said, "I'm looking to get OFF.  I have money.

Needless to say, I'm not allowed in that store anymore.

This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.

"Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small," he says.

The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.

"Well, American beer," he replies quite bemused.

"Aaaahhh, there's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers. You should try drinking Guinness.  That makes things grow."

Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.

"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor.

"Oh yes, Doc," replies the man, "but I've got the wife on American beer!"

Two men are on opposite sides of the Earth. One is walking a tightrope. The other is getting a blow job from a 90 year old woman. Both get the exact same thought at the exact same time.

What is it?

Don't look down.

A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was small, recognizable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured that they'd close the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room.

 "What happened?" they cried. The husband said,

 "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".

A beautiful woman walks into a doctors office and the doctor is awestruck. All his professionalism goes out the window.

He tells her to take off her pants and he starts rubbing her thighs.

He says "Do you know what I am doing?"

She replies "Yes, checking for abnormalities."

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra and he starts rubbing her breasts. He says

"Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies "Yes, checking for lumps and cancer."

Finally, he tells he takes off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her, and starts having sex with her. He says "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies

"Yes, getting herpes. That's why I am here."

Any woman who thinks the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, is aiming about 10 inches too high.

Adrienne E. Gusoff

  Father Harris was motoring along a country lane in his parish on a spring afternoon when all of a sudden he got a flat tire.  Exasperated, the priest stopped his car, got out, and assessed the damage.

Luckily a four-wheel-drive Jeep rounded the bend and pulled to a stop behind the crippled vehicle.

The door to the Jeep opened and out stepped a powerful hunk of a man.

"Good afternoon, Father," greeted the stranger.  "Can I give you a hand?"

"Heaven be praised," rejoiced the priest.

"As you can see, my son, I have a flat tire, and I must admit I've never changed one before."

"Don't worry about it, Father. I'll take care of it."

 And without skipping a beat, the bruiser picked up the front of the car with one hand and removed the lug nuts from the base of the flat tire with the other.

 "Why don't you get the spare from the trunk?"

"Why, ahh, yes, of course, my son," stuttered the amazed Father Harris.

The priest rolled the spare around to the strongman who casually lifted it up with his free hand, maneuvered it into place, and proceeded to tighten the lug nuts.

"Do you need the wrench?" the Father queried.

"That's OK," the fellow told him." These nuts are as tight as a nun's snatch."

"Hmmmm..." mused Father Harris.

"I'd better get the wrench

A woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says:

"I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth.

The woman then says:

"Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful! I'd rather have a baby!"

To which the dentist replies,

"Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair."

What did the homo say to the census taker?

"Well, I was born in Chicago but reared in San Francisco."

What is the difference between girls aged 8, 18, 28, 38, 48 58 and 68?

At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies," Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks,

"What do you do about it?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks,

"Who drives you to the beach?"

A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"

The father, surprised, answers,

"Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.

In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and Firm.

In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but Hanging a bit.

After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, see them and they make you cry."
 

This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said,

"Mum , how many kind of penises are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers,

"Well, dear, a man goes through three phases.

In a man's twenties, his penis is like an oak, mighty and hard.

In his thirties and forties, it Is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up & the balls are there for decoration only!

Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get your ass out of bed.

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic rubbers?" she blurts, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors," he replies,

"Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Why, Gold, of course!" says the man proudly.

The wife responds ruefully,

"Why don't you wear Silver. It would be nice if you came second for a change.

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(LOL--Naughty Thanksgiving love rap! )

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(New lipstick ladies...)
 

Another New Mouse For Men
 

Rockette Training Camp
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Turkey Tarts?! (LOLOL)

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day.

The daughter said to her mother,

"My hands are freezing cold."

The mother replied,

"Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

So the daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend and he said

"My hands are freezing cold."

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs.

The warmth of my body will warm them up."

So he did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

He said "My nose is cold."

The girl replied "Put it  between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up."

So he  did and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said,

"My penis is frozen solid."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother,

"Have you ever heard of a penis?"

Slightly concerned the mother said,

"Why, yes. Why do you ask?"

The daughter replies

"Well they make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"

Hot Pick Up Line:

You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!

Three whores were comparing notes about their customers from the night before.

"I screwed a cowboy last night," said the first.

   "How did you know he was a cowboy?" asked the second.

   "Well, he wore a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, and kept both the hat and the boots on all the time we were screwing."

   "Sounds like a cowboy, all right," the others agree.

   "I screwed a lawyer," announced the second.

"I could tell because he wore a three piece suit and packed a briefcase. He wore the vest of the suit and hung on to the briefcase all the time we were screwing."

   They all agreed he sounded like a lawyer.

"I screwed a grain farmer," commented the third.

"How could you possibly know he was a grain farmer?" one asked.

"First he complained it was too dry, then he whined it was too wet, then he asked if he could pay me in the fall."

Q: What's the definition of oral sex?

A: The taste of things to come.

An Indian fell into an outhouse and got trapped for a very long time. 

After a long time a man came and fished him out.

 The man asked the Indian how long he had been in there.

The Indian replied, "I've seen many moons!"

Q: Why can't lesbians wear make-up when they're on a diet?

A: Because it's hard to eat Jenny Craig when you have Mary Kay on your face.

One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, strange looking fish.

A man was walking by and said,

"WOW!! What a nice Gauddam Fish!"

The sister said,

"Sir, you shouldn't use God's name in vain."

The man said, "But that's the SPECIES of the fish, a Gauddam Fish."

The sister said, "Oh, ok."

The Sister took the fish back home and said,

"Mother Superior, look at the Gauddam Fish I caught."

Shocked, the Mother Superior said,

"Sister, you know better than that."

The nun said, "That's the species of it a Gauddam Fish."

So the Mother Superior said, "Well, give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll clean it."

While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother Superior said,

"Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister caught."

Nearly fainting, Monsignor said,

"Mother Superior, you shouldn't talk like that!"

 Mother Superior said, "But that's the species of it, a Gauddam Fish."

Monsignor said,

"Well give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll cook it."

That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said,

"Wow, what a nice fish."

In reply, the sister said,

"Thank-you, I caught the Gauddam Fish."

Mother Superior said, "I cleaned the Gauddam Fish."

Monsignor said, "I cooked the Gauddam Fish."

The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked, and said.

"I like this fucking place already!"

When you get an email or a instant message did you every wonder where does ejfidkdk  kidkdkd kio  dkdidk jtu  came from?
 

Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?

A: Because they're tired of using their own.

BOB: "How's your head?"

ELVIRA: "I've never had any complaints."

Elvira, Mistress of the Dark