December 20, 2004

A blonde said to her friend Corky,  "My ex had a big fit just because I used an office-supply term on him!"

Corky asked her, what exactly did you say?

The blonde replied,

"I called him "a pencil dick."

Q. What do blowjobs and flowers have in common?

A. After the first year they are only given on special occasions.

I wonder if the person who invented the  vibrator was moved to act by ghostly voices  chanting . ."If you build it, they will come."

Q: What two things in the air can get a woman pregnant?

A: Her feet.

George Bush and Laura appeared on the 'Dr. Phil' show this week. Among the questions, Dr. Phil asked him what he thought about the epidemic of oral sex in high schools. I don't know if he understood what he was talking about, because right afterwards, Bush cancelled all funding for Head Start.

Bill Maher

"The Senate decided they will be smoke-free. They ordained that all public areas in the Senate are now smoke-free. How-ever, the senators themselves will still be allowed to blow smoke up each other's asses."

Bill Maher

A letter from a reader

Hello Martin, I live in South Africa. I do not understand American politics very well. Please, could you tell me the difference between a Democrat and a Republican?

Ron in S. Africa.

Hi Ron, The difference is pretty basic actually, Democrats want to save the world for peace and prosperity.

The Republicans just want to save the world from Bill Clinton's penis.

The Postman

"Knock, Knock."

"Who's there?"

"Emerson."

"Emerson who?"

"Emerson nice tits ya got there."

ATTENTION MEN!

Avoid Hassles About Lifting The Seat

Just Piss In The Sink.

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver,

"I have a dead pussy."

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife, you two have a lot in common."

The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them, the Major called for this sexy dancer from the nearby town.

She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.

For her second number, she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G string. This time the applause went for 10 minutes.

The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on.

The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quiet down for the grand finale.

For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked.

 The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage.

The Major asks her, "What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?"

She replied with a wicked smile,

"Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one hand?"

A woman strode angrily into the large store and slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction.

The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?"

The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered,

"Do you mean to tell me that Pussy Treats are meant for 'cats'?"

There were three morticians trading stories in a bar one night. The first one says, "What a day I had today. The guy wasn't wearing his seat belt and his head flew into the windshield. Took me all day to make the face look natural."

Not to be outdone, the second mortician says, "You think that's bad? I had this guy in who got hit by a train while he was riding his bike. Took me TWO days to put all the pieces back together!"

The third mortician just shook his head. "You guys have it easy," he said. "I had this Canadian female parachutist whose chute didn't open.

She landed on a flagpole and it took me all week just to wipe the smile off her face!"

LOL

What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?

The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.

Bobby Ray and Susie Jane were fooling around out in the cornfield when Bobby Ray said, "Oh Susie Jane, I am getting so horny, you just have to let  me have some." Susie Jane said, "Well, maybe I will, but it is going to cost you a quarter." Bobby Ray dug down in his pocket and said, "Susie Jane, I only got ten cents, and you just have to let me do it for ten  cents." Susie Jane said, "Ain't no way I am going to do it for no ten cents, I said a quarter."

Bobby Ray said, "I tell you what Susie Jane, how about you just give me ten cents worth?"

Susie Jane said, "You must think I be crazy, cause you know you won't stop when I say you got ten cents worth.

Bobby Ray said, "Oh Susie Jane, I promise, I promise I will stop when you say I got ten cents worth."

So they get down between two rows of corn and start going at it. After about a minute, Susie Jane said,

"Bobby Ray, BOBBY RAY" and he said, "Oh Susie Jane, now don't tell me I have got ten cents worth already", and she said,

"Bobby Ray, do you see that big cornstalk over there on your left side?

Bobby Ray said, "Uhuh."

And she said, "Bobby Ray, do you see that big cornstalk over there on your right side?"

Bobby Ray said, "Uhuh."

Susie May said, "BOBBY RAY, you better grab a hold of those two big cornstalks, cause I'm a fixin to loan you fifteen cents".

"It's important to pay close attention in school. For years I thought that bears masturbated all winter."

Damon R. Milhem

Did you hear about the blond who had two chances to get pregnant?

She blew it both times.

Deb and Jeff had just finished a vigorous round of passionate sex when Jeff discovered that the condom he was using had come off.

 After the initial panic wore off and expletives were issued, Jeff, in a fit of humor, grabbed a flashlight, and while pointing it towards Deb's private parts yelled:

"Swim toward the light!  Swim toward the light!"

An old couple were sitting in their rocking chairs on the verandah and the old guy leaned over and said to the woman "F*ck you".

She rocked back and forth for a bit then leaned to him and said

 "F*ck you too".

They rocked on in silence and some 10 minutes later she leaned over and said

"I don't think much of this oral sex, do you?"

WHAT DO YOU GET IF YOU CROSS A DONKEY WITH AN ONION?

Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears.

But every once in a while, you luck out and get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

A drunk was sitting on a train behind two women discussing pain.

Both women agreed that nothing could be more painful than childbirth.

The drunk leaned forward and tapped one lady on the shoulder and said

"Pardon me, but have either of you ladies ever been kicked in the nuts?"

   "In my case," said the student to the sex researcher, "when I get it part way in, my vision blurs.  And when it's all the way in, I can't see a thing."

"Now, that's an most interesting optical reaction, that may well have anatomical as well as physiological basis." the researcher replied. "If you don't mind young man, I should like to have a look at it."

So, the student volunteer shrugged, and he stuck out his tongue.

Campfire Bill's favorite Amish pickup line:

"Are thee up for some plowing?"

What do you call 88 rednecks in an orgy?

A family reunion.

What did the redneck do with his his first 50 cent piece?

He married her!

In reality, prostitutes are pretty much regular folk:

They take your pants off one leg at a time like everybody else.

Airplanes can kill you quickly; a woman takes her time.

Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

Airplanes don't get mad if you 'touch and go.'

Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.

Airplanes operate inverted.

Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.

Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.

Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.

Airplanes don't come with in-laws.

Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown before.

Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.

Airplanes don't complain if you hose them down.

Airplanes don't mind if you like to look at other airplanes.

Airplanes can get high without throwing up.

Airplanes expect to be tied down.

Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.

Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.

However, when airplanes go quiet, just like a woman, it's a bad thing.

"Genetic scientists say that one day it will be possible to grow new body parts, like new breasts and new hands. It's going to be a huge moneymaker, because you know that as soon as women grow another breast, men will want another hand"

How many chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb?

None!  let the bitch cook in the dark!

Sheep don't have a gag reflex, or upper teeth

You can get a better grip on a sheep's ear

Sheep don't shy away from boots and leather

Cotton mouth is easier to get rid of than a social disease

Nuttin' beats mutton

Sheep won't argue about whose turn it is to go get a towel

Sheep won't drink your liquor, smoke your weed, snort your coke, and then tell you they have to be home early

Sheep never ask if you're ready to settle down

Did you hear about the blonde with a PhD in Psychology?

She'll blow your mind, too.

Why don't blondes talk when having sex?

Their Mommies taught them never to speak with their mouths full.

Why do some bikers prefer fat, tattooed women?

They give shade in the summer time, heat in the winter time and moving pictures all year 'round!

The loneliness of a middle-aged man and woman - both divorcees, eventually blossomed into love and finally marriage, but the wedding night turned into a real disaster.

"You just do not fulfill me sexual expectations," the bride commented the following morning.

You're right about that." replied the new husband.

"But when I promised to fill the void in your life, I simply had no idea that it would be so blooming large!"

Q) How do you make a hormone?

A) Put sand in the Vaseline.

Don't throw a brick straight up.

Don't take long naps while driving.

Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.

Your body has the correct number of holes in it. Don't make any more.

Don't microwave yourself too often.

Don't stick body parts into electrical outlets.

When using an acetylene torch, don't feel the flame to see if it's sufficiently hot.

If you're on a ball field and someone shouts "Heads up!" don't actually raise your head up. Cover it with your arms and duck.

Don't tie yourself to an airplane propeller.

When you are in bed remember to close your eyes.

No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.

You're Probably a Redneck if...

You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.

Redman sends you a Christmas card.

Did you hear about the prostitute who was into bondage?

She was strapped for cash.

Little Johnny was all out of sorts one morning. When his father asked him what the problem was the kid said,

"I'm mad at mommy, cause she eats birds."

His father said he didn't know what Little Johnny was talking about. Little Johnny replied,

"I was up late last night and heard noises coming from your bedroom.

When I listened at your door, I heard mom say,

'should I swallow it or let it fly'!"

Have you heard about Kellogg's foray into the medical field?

They have a new cereal specifically for men with erectile dysfunction

It's called "Nuttin' Raisin Honey

There was a black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican guy were all outside a local pub. They all had been in the bar for a while and saw this drop dead gorgeous woman who said she wanted to make love to all of them.  So, they made a bet to see who could make the woman scream during sex.

The black guy goes in, comes out, and the woman is laughing.

The white guys goes in, well after he comes out she is laughing even louder.

The Mexican guy goes in and after a few moments she is screaming bloody murder.

He comes out, and the other two guys asked,

"How in the world did you do that?"

The Mexican guy says,

"Me Mexican, me play trick, me put hot sauce on my dick!"

Little Johnny paints a sign that reads:

"WE MOVE ANYTHING FOR A DIME."

He tells his buddy Roy to get his wagon and both sit under a shade tree in Johnny's front yard, waiting for business.

Kathy, across the street is not to be outdone, so she paints a bigger sign that reads:

"WE MOVE ANYTHING FOR A NICKEL."

She tells her friend Nellie to get her wagon, and they both sit in Kathy's yard.

Johnny's pissed ... how dare that GIRL?  Then, a flash and Johnny hauls Roy across the street ...  "Let's get some laughs" ...

"Say, Kathy, you move ANYTHING?"

"Give me a nickel and I'll prove it to you."

"Roy, give me your nickel!" Johnny takes it and hands it to Kathy.

"What you want moved, boy?"

"Move my BOWELS!" Johnny said and starts laughing.

So Kathy kicked the shit out of him.

A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant.

The woman, concerned about her friend's welfare, went up to the surgeon who was going to perform the operation and said,

"Doctor, I'm worried about my friend. What if her body rejects the organ?"

The doctor replied

"Well, she's 34 years old and is in extremely good health, except for her heart condition. How long has she been in the business?"

The patient's friend replied

"She's been working since she was 18 years old, but what's that got to do with anything?"

"Well," said the doctor, "if she's been working for 16 years and hasn't rejected an organ, I don't think she's about to start now!"

Q: What do you call someone in the White House who is honest, ethical, intellectual, law abiding, and truthful?

A: A tourist.

One gay guy is trying to convince the other gay guy that he's pregnant.

The second guy says,

"Well, if you are pregnant, who's the father?"

The first guy says,

"How the hell should I know? Do you think that I have eyes in the back of my head?"

Mr & Mrs Carrot
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/carrot.shtml

Cactus Cowboy
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/cactus.shtml