I see your face when I am
dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming.
My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "Go to hell."
Of loving beauty you float with grace;
If only you could hide your face.
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you're not.
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
I love your smile, your face, your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
I saw your face as you walked by
But then I saw a better guy.
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
The sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
I saw a commercial for
Cialis. The end of their commercials always have some
"warnings" about using it. One of their warnings stated
something like
"Erections lasting more
than 4 hours may need immediate medical attention."
I can see this guy going to
an emergency room and saying, "I've got a hard on that won't
go away!"
"Well, sir, would you like
to see a doctor?"
"No, maybe a nurse or two."
YOU KNOW YOU'RE LIVING IN
2006 WHEN.
1. You accidentally enter
your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played
solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15
phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person
who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not
staying in touch with friends and family is that they
don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your
own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is
home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on
television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house
without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first
20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for
panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the
morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting
your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this
and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know
exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to
notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled
back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
I never Touch the Stuff
"I feel sorry for people
who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as
good as they're going to feel all day."
Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of
alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,
smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
"24 hours in a day, 24
beers in a case. Coincidence?
I think not."
Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of
alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
Sometimes when I reflect
back on all the wine I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into
the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and
all of their hopes and dreams If I didn't drink this wine,
they might be out of work and their dreams would be
shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It
is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come
true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of
alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to
your bra and panties.
"Guess what I heard in
the bar today?" a man asks his wife upon returning home.
"They think the milkman
has slept with every woman on our block except one."
His wife replies, "I'll
bet it's that stuck-up Phyllis in No. 23."
Old guy walking down the
street in Tacoma, sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says
to her,
"Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for
$100 dollars?
"Are you nuts? !!" she
replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs
around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
"Would you let me bite your
breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that
kind of woman! Got it?"
So the guy runs around the
next block and faces her again.
"Would you let me bite your
breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"
She thinks about it for a
while and says,
"Hmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once,
but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley,
where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect
breasts in the world.
As soon as he sees them, he
grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly,
kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not
biting them.
The woman finally gets
annoyed and asks,
"Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"
"Nah", he replies. "Costs
too much."
At a convention of
biological scientists, one prominent researcher
remarked to another,
"Did
you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to
lawyers for our experiments?"
"Really?" The other researcher
replied. "Why did you switch?"
"Well, for three reasons.
First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. Second,
the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and
thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do."
A shy, drunken, innocent
young Sailor walked up to a beautiful young woman in a pub
and said, "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?"
"Yes I do," replied the
beautiful young woman, "But go ahead, as I'm sure you're
going to ask me anyway."
"OK," said the shy,
drunken, innocent young man, "How many men have you slept
with?"
"That's my business!"
snapped the woman.
"Oh, cool!" said the
young man. "I didn't realize you made a living at it!"
A married couple were
having a disagreement while
sitting in bed.
The wife said to her
husband, "You're impossible."
To which the husband
replied, "No. I'm next to impossible."
"Would someone please give
him a blowjob so we can impeach him!"
You might be a REDNECK.
If you have a house thats
mobile and 14 cars that aren't.
If your wife has ever said
move this transmission so I can take a bath.
If you think the
nuttcracker is something you did off the high dive.
If someone came to your
house thinking it was a yard sale in the frontyard.
If you have holes in your
teeth from opening beer bottles.
If you were at a party and
you dreamt that you drank the biggest margarita
in the world but, you wake up by the toilet and the seat is
covered with salt.
The ambitious coach of a
girls track team gives the squad steroids. The team's
performance soars. They win the county and state
championship until one day they are favored to win
nationals easily.
Penelope, a sixteen-year-old hurdler
visits her coach and says,
"Coach, I have a problem.
Hair is starting to grow on my chest."
"What!" the coach says in
a panic, "How far down does it go?"
She replies, "Down to my
balls. That's something else I want to talk to you about."
One day, after striking
gold in Alaska a, a lonesome miner came down from the
mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town.
"I'm lookin' for the meanest toughest and roughest hooker in the
Yukon," he said to the bartender.
"We got her" replied the
bartender. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right."
The miner handed the
bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers.
He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the
door open on the second door on the right and yelled,
"I'm
looking for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the
Yukon."
The woman inside the room
looked at the miner and said,
"Well, you found her."
Then
she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.
"How do you know I want
that position first?" asked the miner.
"I don't," replied the
hooker, "but I thought you might want to open those beers
first."
A company was looking to
hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed
dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three
people. In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to
give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours
and the one with the best answer would get the job.
The question was: A man and
a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side
with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his
side facing the woman's back.
What is the man's name?
After the 24 hours was up,
the three were brought in to give their answers. The first
one says
"My answer is, there IS no answer."
The second one says
"My
answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with
the information we were given."
The THIRD one says
"I'm not
exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names, it's
either, Willie Turner or Willie Nailer" ...HE GOT THE JOB
A professor was giving a
lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to first year
medical students.
Realizing that this was not
the most riveting subject the professor decided to lighten the mood
slightly.
He pointed to a young woman
in the front row and said,
"Do you know what your ass hole
is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
"Yes." she replied.
"He's
probably drinking beer at the bar
with his friends"
The Inventor
This man goes along to
the Patent Office with some of his new designs.
He says to the clerk,
"I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding
bottle."
"OK," says the clerk.
"What do you call it?"
"A fottle, replies the
inventor."
"A fottle? That's a
stupid! Can't you think of something else?"
"I can think about it.
I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."
"And what do you call
that?" asks the clerk.
"A farton", replies the
inventor.
"That's rude. You can't
possibly call it that!"
"In that case," says the
inventor...
"You're really going
to hate the name of my folding bucket."
It's not the men in my
life that count -- it's the life in my men.
Mae West (1892-1980)
One of the keys to
happiness is a bad memory.
Rita Mae Brown
Never judge someone by
who he's in love with; judge him by his friends. People
fall in love with the most appalling people. Take a cool,
appraising glance at his pals.
Cynthia Heimel
Love is much nicer to be
in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher
tax bracket, or a holding pattern over Philadelphia.
Judith Viorst
Love may not make the
world go round, but I must admit that it makes the ride
worthwhile.
Sean Connery
Love is like the measles;
we all have to go through it.
