Hold a mirror opposite of your genitals and the crabs will think that there is another crotch to jump off onto.
2.
Shave off half of your pubic hair, set the other half on fire and stab the crabs with an ice pick when they run out of the first half.
3.
Go to a movie; buy a box of popcorn, a coke, and a pack of milk duds. When the movie is really getting to a point of real excitement be sure to drop some of the popcorn into your lap so the crabs can eat some of the popcorn. The salt in the popcorn will make the crabs really thirsty, and they will go to the lobby to get some water. While they are gone, you get up and move to another seat.
I think the Chief would order up some drawn butter and put on his lobster bib.
HONEY POT
This lady goes to the gynecologist but won't reveal to the receptionist what's wrong with her, just that she must see a doctor right away.
After hours of waiting, her name is called and she's taken to the examination room. The Doctor asks, "Ok my good woman what is your problem?"
"Well, she says, my husband is a very compulsive gambler and every nickel he can get his hands on he gambles. I have scrimped and saved every dollar I could to save up $500. I didn't know a safe hiding place, so I stuffed it up my vagina. But now, I can't get it out!
The doctor says, "Don't be nervous, I see things like this all the time."
He asks her to remove her clothes and sit on the edge of the examination table with her legs apart. As he's putting on his rubber gloves, he glances up at her and asks.
"I only have one question. What am I looking for?
Bills or loose change?"
Good Reasons to Try On Your Mate to Get Some Head:
"If I eat a lot of sugar first, it'll be just like those Cadbury Creme Eggs that you like so much."
"Honey, I was thinking: you know how you like fresh salmon and steamed clams?"
"No, I swear, Honey, the TV remote is in there somewhere. Just keep looking."
"So, twenty bucks then?"
"No honey, that's not moss growing out of my navel -- it's mistletoe!"
"With my thighs covering your ears, you won't have to listen to Oprah."
"Honey, try this and tell me if it tastes funny to you."
"At work today Brad Johnson said *his* wife could out-blow *my* wife! Can you imagine!?"
"Look, do you want that raise or not?"
"The Taliban has outlawed it -- it's your patriotic duty, dammit!"
Q. What's the difference between a chorus of blondes and a magician?
A. The magician has a cunning array of stunts.
The fisherman called his guide on his mobile phone to make arrangements for the following day.
"I'm going fishing and I need two punts and a canoe," he said.
When he arrived, there were two tart looking women waiting for him at the fishing lodge.
"What the bloody hell is this?" he asked his guide.
"Well", replied the guide, "when you phoned, I was in the bar and there was a great deal of noise on the line. I managed to get a couple of the local ladies, but what in the hell is a panoe?"
Q: Why do women have two sets of lips?
A: One set to bitch at you with, and the other to apologize with.
Paddy was looking for work, and his mate told him that they needed someone up at the Blacksmiths. Paddy went to see the bloke, and said, "My mate tells me your looking for someone to work here."
"Yes, that's right." said the Blacksmith, "Can you shoe Horses?"
"I'm not sure," said Paddy, "but I once told a Donkey to fuck off."
A man goes in bar. A mouse jumps out of his pocket. Bartender says, "nice mouse!"
The man says, "No ordinary mouse though, this little feller talks!"
The Bartender says "oh yeah, what about?"
The man says, "See that woman at the end of the bar, the mouse will tell me what color panties she has on."
Bartender says "really? This I gotta see."
The man points to woman says to mouse; "Mouse: woman!" Mouse runs down sees woman's panties from the floor and comes back and says "pink."
"Wow, the bartender says. will he do that for me?"
The man says "Sure."
The bartender sees a woman sitting at a table, points to her, says "Mouse: woman!" Mouse runs out, comes tearing back, bounces off the bar into the bartenders pocket shaking like a leaf.
The bartender says "What's wrong with you?"
Mouse says "I taught I taw a puddy tat!"
Q: How do you know when you're really ugly?
A: Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
Q: Why do women have two sets of lips?
A: One set to bitch at you with, and the other to apologize with.
A young boy and a young girl are playing in a sunny field alone. After a while they both are very hot, so after much discussion they take off their shirts; that helps a lot and they continue playing.
At some time later the boy asks the girl,
"What are those things?" (pointing to her breasts).
She says, "They are my headlights; look you have them too but they are kinda smaller," so they continue playing.
Later, the boy has a bee fly up his pant leg so he hurriedly removes his pants. The young girl asks (pointing at his penis)
"What is that?"
He replies, "Why that's my plug, don't you have a plug?" (It's beginning to get dark by now.)
She says "No -- I have this." (She removes her pants.)
The boy says, "I can't see too well, but it looks like you have a socket.
Hey, I have a idea! If I stick my plug into your socket it will make our headlights light up!"
A guy is walking through a fairground one day, when he notices a stunning redhead sprawled on the ground unconscious.
Kneeling next to the beauty, he lightly slaps her face. No response. Then he rubs her wrists. Nothing. He even tries mouth to mouth. The gorgeous woman does not respond. Finally, the guy takes another tack. He unbuttons the girl's blouse, and slides it off her body. Then, unhooking her bra, he begins to massage and fondle her firm, soft breasts.
The girl begins to moan and gasp in pleasure, her nipples stiffening, and finally her eyes flutter open.
"Oh thank you," she sighs. Looking down at the guy's hands, still massaging her tits, she goes on. "Tell me, how did you think of such a novel way to revive me?"
"It wasn't my idea," he says. "That guy over there kept shouting, "Rubber balloons ..... Rubber balloons!"
I'm Not Saying She's Easy, But:
She's been on her knees more times than Billy Graham.
She's been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum.
She's done more screwing than Black and Decker.
She's responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood.
She's turned more tricks than Harry Houdini.
She's been boarded more times than Amtrak.
She's been mounted more often than Trigger.
Men Are Useless Things!
Did you know that a man is made up of many useless "things?"
He has an Adams apple that isn't an apple.
Two calves that will never become cows.
A nose bridge that doesn't lead anywhere.
A roof of the mouth that won't cover anything.
Twenty nails that won't hold a board.
A chest that won't hold linen.
Two tits that won't give milk.
Two buns that won't feed anyone.
A belly button that won't button.
Two balls that won't roll.
An ass that won't pull a plow.
An organ that won't play music.
A cock that won't crow.
And what are YOU Women laughing about?!
You've got a pussy that won't catch mice!
What do women and police cars have in common?
They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.
A young girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself.
Since she was very good-looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her.
Her mom said, "It's very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, ask him, 'What will be the name of our baby?' That'll scare them off."
So off she went.
After a little while at the party, boy started dancing with her, and little by little he started kissing her and touching her.
She asked him, "What will our baby be named?"
The boy found some excuse and disappeared.
Some time later, the same thing happened again.
A boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders ... and she stopped him and asked about the baby's name, and he ran off.
Later on, another boy invited her for a walk.
After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she asked him, "What will our baby be named?"
He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off.
"What will our baby be named?" she asked once more.
He began to have sex with her.
"What will our baby be named?!" she asked again.
After he was done, he took off his "full" condom, tied the end in a knot, and said,
"If he gets out of this one... David Copperfield!".
An Army guy is sitting at a bar wearing a shirt that says "Marines suck." Sure enough, two marines walk up. One of the Marines says, "WHAT DOES THAT SHIRT SAY!?!?!?!" The Army guy responds, "That's the first thing I hate about Marines. they cant read."
The other Marine growls, "What did you say!?!" The Army guy responds, that's the second thing I hate about Marines; they cant hear."
Then the first Marine demands that they take this outside. Two minutes later the Army guy walks back into the bar unharmed. The bartender asks what happened to the two Marines. The army guy responds, "That's the third thing I hate about Marines -- they bring knives to gunfights."
My Favorite Things
By Bill Clinton (To the Sound of Music's "Favorite Things)
Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,
Big Macs and French fries and girls with big faces,
Lots of nice cleavage that makes Willie spring,
These are a few of my favorite things
Susan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers,
Horny young interns who while 'way the hours,
Profits from futures that Hillary brings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Beating the draft board and getting elected,
Naming to judgeships some hacks I've selected,
Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing,
These are a few of my favorite things
Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury,
Coming out fine after having knee surgery,
falling down drunk that required knee surgery,
Stars in the White House who come here to sing,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony,
States of the Union with lots of baloney,
Winning debates and the joy of my flings,
These are a few of my favorite things
BRIDGE
When that Jones bites,
When Ken Starr stings,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad
A young, very attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso.
The guy was getting sexually excited as the masseur approached the towel. The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows.
"You wanna wank?", she asked.
"You bet," came the excited reply. "O.K.," she said, "I come back in ten minutes."
A study in Italy showed that people who eat a lot of pizza are less likely to get colon cancer. And another study says masturbation reduces risk of prostate cancer.
It's what I've always said: Diet and exercise.
Jay Leno
Monica Vs. Marilyn!
Similarities Between Monica Lewinsky and Marilyn Monroe:
Monroe has six letters and begins with M-O-N. Monica has six letter and begins with M-O-N
Marilyn posed nude for Hugh Hefner. Monica posing nude looks like a heifer!
Kennedy watched Marilyn while he invaded Cuba. Bill invaded Monica with a Cuban cigar!
Marilyn watched Kennedy debate. Monica watched Bill masturbate.
Marilyn could not avoid Jackie. Monica could not avoid what Bill Jacked.
Marilyn believed that men prefer blondes. Monica believed that men preferred blow jobs.
Marilyn did Bob and Jack. Monica bobbed and jacked.
Jackie made John cut his ties with Marilyn. Hillary made Bill cut up his ties from Monica.
Norma Jean just didn't fit Marilyn. Normal jeans just don't fit Monica.
The Kennedy Presidency was stained by Marilyn. The Clinton Presidency stained Monica.
Marilyn sang Happy Birthday to the president. Monica hummed Happy birthday on the president.
Sally (a blonde) was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend, Liz, never saw Sally looking' so sad.
Liz, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay...but you look so sad. Why?"
Sally, "Cause I just can't get a man."
Liz, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."
Sally, "Don't be so silly. I know that. But I went in the woods 'cause I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it."
Liz, "I don't understand what you're talking about."
Sally, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage."
Liz, "So, how's that gonna help you get a man."
Sally, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters."
Why Sheep are better than Women
You can get a better grip on a sheep's ear.
Sheep don't shy away from boots and leather.
Cotton mouth is easier to get rid of than a social disease.
Nuttin' beats mutton!
Sheep won't argue about whose turn it is to go get a towel.
Sheep won't drink your liquor, smoke your weed, snort your coke, and then tell you they have to be home early.
The doctor was surprised to find old Mr. Jones sitting on the bed holding up his middle finger and sticking out his tongue. He walked over to the nurse who was taking his vitals.
"Excuse me," said the doctor, "but why is Mr. Jones sitting like that?"
The nurse replied, "I told him that you were going to want to examine his sexual organs."
Signs Your Swimming Pool Needs Cleaning:
That green tarp covering your pool? Look again.
Neighborhood kids ask if they can jump on your trampoline.
Kids still pee in your pool, but they refuse to get in it first.
Skipping rocks across it causes sparks.
New algae species attract a Discovery Channel film crew to your backyard.
The Grim Reaper shows up in his Speedo.
"DREDGE ME" spelled out in algae on the bottom.
You can walk on the water, even though you're only the son of Gus.
Dr. Kervorkian seen filling IV bottles at poolside.
Your recently installed pool filter resembles the Marlboro Man's chest x-ray.
SICK CHICK
A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.
The Bear says: "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."
The Lion says: "If I roar in the desert, the entire desert is afraid of me."
Then the Chicken says: "Big deal. I only have to cough, and the entire planet shits itself."
According to "Men's Health" magazine, 71% of men feel their dog understands them at some telepathic level. That's because men and dogs have the same interests:
Eat, sleep, play ball, and hump.
Jay Leno
Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
A: Cause their balls show
Movie Ratings
G: Nobody Gets The Girl.
PG: The Good Guy Gets The Girl.
PG-13: The Bad Guy Gets The Girl.
R: The Bad Guy And The Good Guy Get The Girl.
X: Everybody Gets The Girl.
XXX: Everybody gets the girl, her mother, and their cocker spaniel.
Little Johnny is delivering newspapers. He knocks on a door, a lady answers, and he says, "Collect... that'll be five dollars."
She says, "I'm a little short on cash, but if you want, I'll give you sex instead."
Johnny says, "All right." He walks in, she undoes his pants, pulls them down, and there's the biggest dick she's ever seen.
Johnny reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls out a handful of huge washers, and starts sliding them onto his dick.
She says, "You don't have to do that...I can take all of it."
He says, "Not for five bucks you can't."
The kissing booth at the Charity Fair displayed a large sign:
"Kisses - $5 to $50."
Todd asked Nina, the girl in the booth, if the price range was a matter of duration. "Nope!" she smiled. "Lip placement."
Q. What did they call the guy who drove a sled team all the way across Canada?
A. A Husky fucker.
One day, while driving with my then 5 year old daughter, Melody, I blew the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at me as if she was demanding an explanation.
I said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that....'cause you didn't say 'SHITHEAD!' or 'ASSHOLE' after blowing your horn!"
Q: Did you hear about the new combination of Viagra and Doan's pills?
A: It's so the back won't peter out and the peter won't back out.
Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin's penis was twisted like a corkscrew.
"Wow," Gary said. "I've never seen one like that before."
"Like what?" Martin said.
"All twisted like a pig's tail," Gary said.
"Well, what's yours like?" Martin said.
"Straight, like normal," Gary said.
"I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Martin said.
Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants.
"What did you do that for?"
Martin said. "Shaking off the excess drops
" Gary said. "Like normal."
"&%$#@ !," Martin said. "And all these years I've been wringing it."
Do you know the difference between "meat" and "fish"???
If you beat your "fish" they'll die.
Mary had a little lamb, She kept it in a bucket. And every time the lamb got out, The dog would try to...........
V
V
Put it back into the bucket!
What did you think, perverts?
Seen On a Movie Theater Marquee:
"Erin Brockovich Screwed My Dog Skip."
A woman goes on a game show trying to win the top prize of $50,000. She keeps answering question after question, and the prize money keeps building up.
Finally she gets to the last question and the host says, "Okay, now. For fifty thousand dollars, here is your final question:
What are the three most important parts of a man's body?"
Suddenly the buzzer sounds. "Oh, I'm sorry," says the host, "our time is up for today. We'll have to come back next week and ask you that question again. If you can answer it correctly, though, you will win fifty thousand dollars!"
So the woman goes home that night, and her husband is really excited.
"Wow, honey!" he exclaims as he hugs her. "You did great! That was fantastic! And just wait until next week! We'll win fifty thousand dollars!"
So the wife says to him, "Well, tell me, honey. What are the three most important parts of a man's body?"
The husband answers, "It's the head, the heart, and the penis."
"Oh, okay," she says. "Great!"
So for the next few days, the husband keeps testing her with the question. She's in the shower when he suddenly sticks his head in around the curtain and barks, "What are the three most important parts of a man's body?"
She quickly replies, "HEAD, HEART, AND PENIS!"
"Great!" says the husband.
All week long he keeps testing her, asking her at the strangest moments, and trying to catch her off guard. But she always gets the right answer.
Finally the big night arrives, and she is very excited as she arrives at the television studio. The lights go on, and soon as they go on the air, the host says to her,
"All right! You've had a week to prepare!
Now…for fifty thousand dollars…what are the three most important parts of a man's body?"
The studio audience falls to a hush. The hot bright lights are shining down, the cameras push in for a close up, and the woman starts to get flustered.
"U"...um...um...the...the...uh...the HEAD!"
"That's ONE!" says the host.
"Uh…uh…uh," stammers the woman, "uh…the HEART!"
The host shouts out, "That's TWO!"
Now the woman is so nervous that she can hardly think.
"Oh, I know it, I know it," she says, "it's right on the tip of my tongue…I could spit it out…it's been drilled into me all week."
The host says, "Aaah, that's close enough. You win!"
What every woman is looking for in a mirror.
Q. Why did the blonde give up bowling for screwing?
A. The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.
A doctor was walking down the street and saw Little Johnny with a bottle of iodine that he was spilling on the sidewalk.
The doctor said to him, "Son, you shouldn't waste that iodine. I put some on a lady this morning and she passed a baby."
Little Johnny looked up and said, "Hell, Doc, that's nothing! I put some on my dog's ass and he passed a motorcycle!"
