A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was
going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in
the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began
to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter. "My love," he
wrote, "we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already
I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here
in the evenings. Besides that, we're constantly surrounded by
young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of
some kind I would not be tempted?"
His wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "why don't you
learn to play this?"
Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back
to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get you into
bed so that we make passionate love!"
She kissed him and said, "First let's see you play that
harmonica."
Q. What is the leading
cause of death among lesbians?
A. Hairballs.
Q. Define "Egghead:"
A. What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.
An old couple who hadn't celebrated
Halloween in a long time decided to dress up and go out. The old
woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked and tied a lemon
between her legs. When she came out, the old man cried, "You
can't go out like that!" She said, "I can go anyway I like and
so can you." Whereupon he retired to the bedroom and came out
stark raving naked with a potato tied to his tallywhacker. The
old woman says, you're going out like that?" And he replies,
"Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a dick-tator.
A drunk guy is sitting in a bar. There is a very buxom blonde
lady a few seats down -- I'd estimate a 44DD bra.
A fellow at the end of the bar calls for a beer. The
bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the
blonde's breasts and spills all over them. The bartender goes
over, retrieves the glass and licks the beer off of her breasts.
This happens a couple more times. The next time, the drunk jumps
up and starts to lick her breasts. She decks him! He's laying on
the floor and moans, "Why do you let the bartender do it?" She
replies, "because he has a liquor license! You don't!"
Q. Why did the Avon lady walk
funny?
A. Her lipstick
A nurse
was telling a gorgeous co-worker about the Canadian sailor who
was a patient in Ward Ten. "He's tattooed," she confided in a
low voice, "in a very intimate place!" "You mean-" gasped the
beautiful nurse. "Yes, Isn't that odd? There's actually a word
tattooed there: 'Swan."' "This I've got to see," exclaimed the
voluptuous one, and she hurried off to Ward Ten. Half an hour
later, she returned. "You were right," she said, "he is tattooed
there. But the word is 'Saskatchewan'!"
Two medical residents were invited to a costume
party after their shift ended. They stopped at the Army/Navy
store to see if they could find costumes but but only had enough
money to buy one pair of fatigues. One wore the top half and one
one wore the bottom half.
Q.
What did were they?
A.
An upper and lower GI.
The male
"escort" had accepted a check in payment for his services. It
was returned when he tried to deposit it though. The check had a
stop payment order issued on it.
On the back were written the words: "insufficient fun."
Yesterday I got my
Preparation 'H' mixed up with Poli - Grip. Now I talk like an
asshole .
"I think we
should go Dutch," the nurse said to the doctor in the dimly lit
restaurant.
"You pay for dinner and the movie, and the rest of your night
can be on me."
Virginity, n.
A big issue over a little tissue.
"Brokeback Mountain" Titles
That Didn't Make It..
10. " Damn My Ass is Sore"
9. " The Horse Lisperer"
8. " Oklahomo"
7. " Humpback Mountain"
6. " Little Bathhouse on the Prairie"
5. " Lasso my Asso"
4. " Cowboys' Leapfrog"
3. " Clint Eastwood's Nightmare"
2. " How the West was Hung"
and the # 1 title that didn't make it ---
1. " Fist Full of Cowboy "
I was sitting here watching my hubby play pool the
other night. It was his turn to break, so he took his turn. He
did not sink any balls. His comment to that was.... "Talk about
a woman's shot."
Well, now how would you women take that comment???
Exactly...so when I asked him what he meant he said, "All
bust... no balls."
A New York judge is
presiding over the divorce proceedings of a Jewish couple. When
the final papers have been signed and the divorce is complete,
the woman thanks the judge and says, "Now I'll go arrange for a
Get."
The judge inquires what she means by a Get.
So the woman explains that a Get is a religious ceremony
required for recognition of a divorce by Jews. The judge says,
"You mean like a Bris, that circumcision ceremony?"
"Yes," she says, "Very similar, only in this case you get rid
of the entire prick."
A
woman was determined to get her newly retired husband some
attractive leisure clothes. She went into a men's clothing store
and told the salesgirl, "I'm looking for something youthful,
something wild in a men's pair of slacks."
"Oh," sighed the salesgirl. "Aren't we all?"
The Top 15 Redneck Porno Movies
I Know You Done Your Sister Last Summer Turn Her and Hooch
Urban Cow, Boy! Debbie Does Dullards I Am Curious, Ol' Yeller 9
1/2 Teeth The Silence of the Sheep (God Willing) Nasty NASCAR
Nimphama--, uh, Nymfama--, uh, Crazy Nekkid Gals! Deep Goat
Crouchin' Brother, His'n Sister Auntie Get Your Gums The Girl
Who Could Not Run Faster Than Her Brothers Behind the Green
Teeth Bob and Carol and Bessie and Babe
and the Number 1 Redneck Porno Movie...
Three Men and a Beatty
Jim was playing piano in an intimate and dimly lit club. He
couldn't help but notice a couple locked in a passionate embrace
on a love seat right in front of the piano. They were rather
distracting, but finally they came up for air long enough to
make a breathless request. "Uh, could you play 'After the Lovin'?'"
"Sure thing," Jim agreed. "Just let me know when you're
through."
A guy is in a supermarket and a beautiful
blonde waves at him, and says "hello." he can't place where
he knows her from, so he says "do i know you?" she replies "i
think you're the father of one of my kids." now he thinks
back and says, "oh my god, are you the stripper from my
bachelor party that i laid on the pool table with all my
buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet
celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt?" she said "no,
i'm your son's math teacher"
A construction worker was
whistling and verbally harassing a young girl as she walked by
the construction site. She completely ignored him, and just kept
on walking.
Annoyed the worker yelled "Well you're an ugly bitch anyway!"
The girl turned around and replied "It must be terrible when
even an ugly bitch won't give you the time of day?"
Tom was in Las Vegas gambling and having a run of
bad luck. He lost all his money and was now waiting for his bank
to wire him some more. He was on his way up to his hotel room
when he meets a beautiful hooker in the elevator. He is smitten
with her and tells her that he wants to make love to her right
now.
The hooker says, "Honey, if you got the cash, we can make
your wish come true."
Tom realizes he doesn't have any money on
him yet and tells the hooker that he will have the money in
about an hour or so.
The hooker says, "No money, no lovin.'"
Tom
pleads with her but the hooker does not give in. She tells him
that when he gets the money she will be more than happy to
oblige him, but she actually does find Tom attractive so she
reaches over to his pants, unzips his fly, takes his penis in
her hand and then proceeds to write on it the following - Gloria
357-6262, when you have $$$.
Tom returns to his room and a
couple of hours later, the money from his bank finally arrives.
He immediately rushes to the phone to call his "dream woman." He
unzips his pants so he can retrieve the number off his penis,
but alas his erection was gone and in order to read the number
he starts rubbing his penis frantically. At that very moment,
the maid entered his room to clean and shrieked at this sight.
Tom says to the maid, "Don't worry, I'm just trying to make a
phone call."
Confucius Says
He who sneeze without tissue, take matter in own hands.
Wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn
Man piss in wind,
wind piss back
Man who pull out too soon, leave rubber
behind
Man with tool in woman's mouth, not necessarily
dentist
Girl who marry detective, like to kiss dick
Men may have more hair on chest than woman, but on the whole,
women have more.
Q: Why don't witches wear panties?
A: They get a better grip on their brooms.
Q. Why is a pap smear called a pap
smear?
A. Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt
scrapes.
Q. Have you heard about
the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the
woman.
Q. What is the cheapest
meat?
A. Deer balls, there under a buck.
Q. How did Pinocchio find out
he was made of wood?
A. When his hand caught on fire.
Q. What did the blind man say
as he passed the fish market?
A. Good morning Girls
Q.
Did you hear Richard Simmons had plastic surgery to get his love
handles removed?
American Graffiti (This is a great site, scroll down to
change the song ) Metamorfose Digital - 50 anos de Playboy XXX (
50 years of Playboy-1953-2005 ) CLEANINGHUNK.COM (LOL)
Innkeeper
Recipes and Cookbooks- Bed & Breakfast Inns ONLINE - Cooking *
Food * Dining Back of the Box Brand Name Recipes Cook Book
Online New Crockpot Slow Cooker Recipes at CDKitchen
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