Three cowboys are sitting around the campfire out on the prairie; each with the bravado for which he is famous A night of tall Tales.

The guy from Montana says, "I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why , just the other day, a bull got loose in the coral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth"

The Guy from Colorado couldn't stand to be bested. "That's nothing, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot Diamondback Rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands bit it's head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp and I'm still here today."

The Cowboy from Arkansas remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker.

Q:  What's the difference between secretaries and wives?

A:  Secretaries get a little behind at work; wives get a big behind at home.

You know you have a problem when....

You stink so bad you make Right Guard turn left, Speed Stick slow down, Secret obvious, and Sure confused.

A man walked into a restaurant and seated himself. Soon, the waitress came over to take his order.". . .and to drink?" she asked. The man said he would like coffee. The waitress promptly returned with a cup of coffee, but spilled it on the man's lap when she stopped at the table.
"Oh my God; I am so sorry!" "That's OK," the man said, sopping up the puddle on his pants with his a napkin - "but tell me, is this regular or decaf?"

"Regular," she replied.

"Oh great, now this thing is going to be up all night!"

Whore House Slogans

1. More Fuck for your Buck!

2. More Honey for your Money!

3. More Gash for your Cash!

4. More Hole for your Pole!

5. More Head for your Bread!

6. More Booty for your Looty!

7. More Strange for your Change!

8. She'll Wear a Collar for a Dollar!

9. Will suck for a buck!

10. We'll Tally Whack Your Ban!

What can make you feel really good or be very annoying?
A woman's mouth!

Perry fancied himself quite a ladies man, so when his cruise ship went down in a storm and he found himself stranded on a desert island with six women, he couldn't believe his good fortune.

They quickly agreed that each woman would have one night a week with the only man.

Perry threw himself into the arrangement with gusto, working even on his day off, but as the weeks stretched into months, he found himself looking forward to that day of rest more and more eagerly.

One afternoon he was sitting on the beach and wishing for some more men to share his duties when he caught sight of a man waving from a life raft that was bobbing on the waves. Perry swam out, pulled the raft to shore, and did a little jig of happiness. "You can't believe how happy I am to see you," he cried.

The new fellow eyed him up and down and cooed, "You're a sight for sore eyes, too, you gorgeous thing!"
"Shit," sighed Perry, "there go my Sundays."

Q: Did you hear what happened to the energizer bunny when they put the batteries in backwards????

A: Instead of going going going
    He kept cumming cumming cumming

A cocktail party is an affair where
a man’s gets stiff,
a woman gets tight,
and they return home to find that
neither is either.

Two women are hiking in the woods. After an hour or so, they come to a stream. Unable to cross, they decide to walk along the stream and look for a narrower place. Fortunately they come to an old bridge spanning the stream.

Deciding the bridge safe, the two women proceed to cross. Halfway across, one woman stops and says to the other, "I've always wanted to be like
the guys, and urinate off a bridge."

The other woman looks around and says, "Well, I don't see anyone around, now's your chance!"

The first woman drops her hiking shorts and backs over to the side of the bridge. As she begins to urinate, she looks over her shoulder.

"Holy shit!" she exclaims, "I just pissed in a canoe!"

Alarmed, the second woman hurries over and peeks at the stream. "Calm down," she says. "That wasn't a canoe you pissed in, it was only your reflection."

Two old ladies are sitting in their rocking chairs at the nursing home, reminiscing. One turns to the other and says,

"Mildred, do you remember the minuet?"

"Good lordy, no," Mildred replied,"

 I can't even remember the ones I screwed."

+------- Bizarre Town Names ----+

  
Horneytown, North Carolina

Whynot, North Carolina

Hicksville, Ohio

Knockemstiff, Ohio

Slaughterville, Oklahoma

Idiotville, Oregon

Virginville, Pennsylvania

Sweet Lips, Tennessee

Ding Dong, Texas

Looneyville, Texas

Butts, Virginia

Imalone, Wisconsin

Toad Suck, Texas

Intercourse, Pennsylvania

Unalaska, Alaska

French Lick, Indiana

Q: What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?

A: They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. "What are those? Asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger. "Well, what on earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Fookin Hell", says the Irishman, "BMW think of everything."

Why do blondes get confused in the bathroom?  

They have to pull their own pants down.

Researchers have recently unearthed the text of the first transcontinental telegraph message. Reportedly, it reads

ENLARGE YOUR MALE MEMBER STOP GUARANTEED RESULTS STOP.

Once in a medieval times...there was a King who was getting sort of bored after dinner one night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the court had the mightiest "weapon". The first knight stood up and proclaimed that he had the mightiest weapon...he pulled down his pants and tied a 5 pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners...and the band played appropriate music.

Another knight stood up and yelled that he had the mightiest weapon. He
dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth
rose. The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band played appropriate music.

After several more knights tried to prove their superiority...the King finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound, but a 40 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners...and the band played

"God Save the Queen."

SEX:  The only activity where you start at the top and work your way
to the bottom, while getting a raise.

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FUNNY CITY NAMES
http://www.crazynews.net/dp/1-93.htm

Check out to see if your driver's licence is posted on the web.

http://www.license.shorturl.com/

Happy Thanksgiving

http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.asp?code=0183913358

What are 3 problems about being an egg?

You only get laid once, the only woman to sit on your face
is your mother, and it takes 4 minutes to get hard.

This guy was out hunting one day; he had all the gear, the jacket the boots and the double-barreled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, right on his penis. So he went to the doctor and got put under the gas.

When he woke up, he found that the doctor had done a marvelous job repairing it. When he was completely awake and ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card.

"This is my brothers card. I'll make an appointment for you to see him."

The guy says, "Is your brother a doctor too?"

The doctor replies,

"No, he plays the flute. He'll show you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye."

Q: What's the best way to avoid rape?

A: Beat off your attacker.

A blonde woman strode angrily into the large store, slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction.

The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?"

The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell me that 'Pussy Treats' are for cats?"

Q: What's the difference between a sewing machine and a lady jogging?

A: A sewing machine only has one bobbin.

Two blonde girls walk into a department store.
They go up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.

Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it.

"That's quite nice, don't you think, Susan?"

"Yeah.  What's it called, Sharon?"

"Viens a moi."

"Viens a moi?  What does that mean?"

At this stage,the store clerk offers some help.

"Viens a moi,ladies, is French for 'come to me'."

Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Susan again saying,
"That doesn't smell like come to me.  Does it smell like come to you?"

Bill Clinton was seen at the New York auto show recently.

They always have the most beautiful auto show models, showing off all the latest cars.

Bill was seen talking to one of the models, supposedly about the price for a hummer.

Man: "Can I buy you a whiskey?"

Lady: "No you can't, whiskey is bad for my legs"

Man: "That's a shame, do they swell?"

Lady: "No, they open!"

A young guy was laying on his back on a massage table, wearing  
only a towel over his groin.

A young, very attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso. The guy was getting sexually excited as the masseur approached the towel. The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows.  

"You wanna wank?" she asked.

"You bet," came the excited reply.

"O.K.," she said. "I come back in ten minutes."

   Two women were talking.  One woman says to another, "I can't understand why you haven't gone to see that new gynecologist yet!"
    
  "My gynecologist is fine.  I don't need to change."
   
   "But the new one's so young and handsome, while your gynecologist is so old!"
    
  The other woman replies with a smile, "Yeah, I know.  His hands shake all the time!"

Rejected titles by Dr. Seuss

* The Cat in the Blender
* Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
* Fox in Detox
* Who Shat in the Hat?
* Yentl the Lentil
* My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
* Oh, the Places You'll scratch and Sniff!

"An Evangelist" was delivering a flaming sermon on vice that shook the rafters of the mission.

"Listen to me, all you cigarette suckers," he thundered, "all you pipe suckers, all you bottle suckers"

Just then a high squeaky voice interjected from the back row,

"Don't forget us!"

Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

There was a promiscuous young couple making out in the back seat of a car. Temperatures were rising and things were getting pretty intense, and finally the girl gasped, "Oh darling, darling, kiss me where it smells."

So he drove her to New Jersey.

An Australian kiss is the same as a French kiss......
BUT down UNDER!

A pregnant woman and her husband asked the doctor if it was okay to have sex during her pregnancy.

He told them that during the first trimester they could do it normal-style, during the second trimester they should do it dog-style and during the third trimester they were limited to wolf-style.

"Wolf-style?" queried the husband. "What's that?"
"You lie next to the hole and howl," replied the doctor.

A guy wakes up one morning after a night of heavy drinking and goes to the bathroom to take a piss. He looks down and sees two rings on his private, a brown one near the base, and  a bright red on about an inch up. Not knowing what they are and not remembering what happened the previous night he goes to the doctor.  

The doctor looks at him and says,

"Well, I got good news and I got bad news. Which do you want first?"  

"Give me the good news first." the guy nervously replies.  

"The good news is the red ring is lipstick."  

"Whew, that's a relief. What's the bad news?"  

"The brown ring is chewing tobacco."

Did you hear about the new combination of Viagra and Doan's pills?

It's so the back won't peter out and the peter won't back out.

Q:   What do you call two nuns and a blonde?

A:   Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

Q: What is LXIX?

A: 69, the hard way.

Did you hear about the nympho at the hotel pool?
She was barred from the area after the lifeguard saw her go down for the third time.

CONFUCIUS SAY:

"Woman who springs on innerspring this spring, gets offspring next
spring."

"Before becoming master fisherman, must be master baiter."

"Sex on beach is like American beer - very near water."

"Woman who pounce on dead rooster, go down on limp cock."

"Man who buy drowned cat, must pay for stinking wet pussy."

"Girl who is wallflower at party, may be dandelion in bed."

"Man who keep feet firmly on ground, have trouble putting on pants!"

"Woman who slides down banister, makes monkey shine"

Advice to Young Ladies

Beware of the fickle martini,
And only have one at the most.
After two you'll be under the table,
After three you'll be under the host!

The young boy arrived home after having lunch at his father's office.  He ran into the kitchen and said, "Hey, Mom, guess what?  We're getting a kitty cat."

       The puzzled woman said, "Where did you hear that?"
       "From Dad."

       "Your father hates animals.  I can't believe he'd buy you one."

       The boy shrugged.

"I heard him plain as day.  He told another guy in the office that as soon as I left, he was going out to get a little pussy."

An old Italian couple is walking around in the mall. After a while they get separated so the woman goes up to the first saleswoman she sees and asks,

"Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony? He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?"

The saleswoman answers that she hasn't seen her husband.

So the Italian woman goes to ask another saleswoman.

"Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?"

"No, I'm sorry maam, I haven't seen your husband."

The Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and asks,

"Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?"

The saleswoman answers,

"Yes I saw him, he ran out of here lickety-split."

"No no no, thatsa not-a my Tony. He pinch-a the bum, grab-a the breasts...
but he no lickety split!"

What does a blonde call a blow job in a Honda?

Her Civic duty.

I wonder if the person who invented the  vibrator was moved to act by
ghostly voices  chanting . . . "If you build it, they will come."

Tomorrow is the big day when President Bush pardons a turkey for yet another year.

v

v

Then Maybe again he won't pardon him LOL